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Only fun forwards for fun ...

Gail Mikels
Ranch Hand

Joined: May 07, 2001
Posts: 634
I died laughing when I read this - just had to share.....

A Mood Ring
My husband, not happy with my PMS mood swings, bought me a mood ring the
other day so he'd be able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood, it
turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big freakin' red mark on
his forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.


Gail Mikels
Anonymous
Ranch Hand

Joined: Nov 22, 2008
Posts: 18944
Gang of Sardars plan to loot bank ;
break & open bank safe & find chilled lassi-gulp happily.
Next day headlines
Sardars looted "SPERM BANK"
Anonymous
Ranch Hand

Joined: Nov 22, 2008
Posts: 18944
> An army Major visiting the sick army men, went to one soldier and asked,
> "What's your problem, Soldier?"
> "Chronic syphilis, Sir."
> "What treatment are you getting?"
> "Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
> "What's your ambition?"
> "To get back to the front, Sir."
> "Good man," said the Major.
>
> He went to the next bed, "What's your problem, Soldier?"
> "Chronic piles, Sir."
> "What treatment are you getting?"
> "Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
> "What's your ambition?"
> "To get back to the front, Sir."
> "Good man," barked the Major.
>
> He moved to the next bed where Santa was lying and asked, "What's your
> problem, Soldier?"
> "Chronic gum disease, Sir"
> "What treatment are you getting?"
> "Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
> "What's your ambition?"
> "To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir!"
>
>
Anonymous
Ranch Hand

Joined: Nov 22, 2008
Posts: 18944
First Affair
There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful teen-aged daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
After months of trying, the Wife became pregnant and sure enough, nine months later delivered healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the father of that child.
"Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered." Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"
The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Second Affair
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery:
Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "But I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity." And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home.
The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase.
"Oh my God!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Third Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry!" she said, "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted Him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered." Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.
Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
"Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Fourth Affair
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.
"My darling Becky," he whispered.
"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Shhh, don't talk."
He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice "I have something I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky.
"Everything's all right, go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your Mother!"
"I know" Becky whispered softly. "That's why I poisoned you"
Balaji Loganathan
author and deputy
Bartender

Joined: Jul 13, 2001
Posts: 3150
Old one i think!..
> >Subject: FW: Cow Economics
> >
> >
> > > TRADITIONAL ECONOMICS
> > > You have two cows.
> > > You sell one and buy a bull.
> > > Your herd multiplies and the economy grows.
> > > You retire on the income.
> > >
> > >
> > > CHINESE ECONOMICS
> > > You have two cows.
> > > You have 300 people milking them.
> > > You claim full employment, high bovine
> > > productivity and arrest anyone
> > > reporting the actual numbers.
> > >
> > >
> > > INDIAN ECONOMICS
> > > You have two cows.
> > > You worship them.
> > >
> > >
> > > PAKISTAN ECONOMICS
> > > You don't have any cows.
> > > You claim that the Indian cows belong to you.
> > > You ask the US for financial aid,
> > > China for military aid,
> > > Britain for warplanes,
> > > Italy for machines,
> > > Germany for technology,
> > > France for submarines,
> > > Switzerland for loans,
> > > Russia for drugs and
> > > Japan for equipment.
> > > You buy the cows with all this and claim of
> > > exploitation by the world.
> > >
> > >
> > > AMERICAN ECONOMICS
> > > You have two cows.
> > > You sell one and force the other to produce the
> > > milk of four cows.
> > > You profess surprise when the cow drops dead.
> > > You put the blame on some nation with cows &
> > > naturally that nation will be a danger to mankind.
> > > You wage a war to save the world and grab the cows.
> > >
> > >
> > > FRENCH ECONOMICS
> > > You have two cows.
> > > You go on strike because you want three cows.
> > >
> > >
> > > GERMAN ECONOMICS
> > > You have two cows.
> > > You reengineer them so that they live for 100 years,
> > > eat once a month and milk themselves.
> > >
> > >
> > > BRITISH ECONOMICS
> > > You have two cows.
> > > They are both mad.
> > >
> > >
> > > ITALIAN ECONOMICS
> > > You have two cows.
> > > You don't know where they are.
> > > You break for lunch.
> > >
> > >
> > > SWISS ECONOMICS
> > > You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
> > > You charge others for storing them.
> > >
> > >
> > > JAPANESE ECONOMICS
> > > You have two cows.
> > > You redesign them so that they are one-tenth the
> > > size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then
> > > create cute cartoon cow images called Cowkimon and market them
> > > worldwide.
> > >
> > >
> > > RUSSIAN ECONOMICS
> > > You have two cows.
> > > You count them and learn you have five cows.
> > > You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
> > > You count them again and learn you have 17 cows.
> > > You give up counting and open another bottle of vodka.
> > >
> > >
> > > MALAYSIAN ECONOMICS
> > > You have two cows.
> > > You slaughter one for Hari Raya Puasa and
> > > the other for Hari Raya Haji. Just before that, both
> > > the cows were wondering along the PLUS Highways.
> > >
Balaji Loganathan
author and deputy
Bartender

Joined: Jul 13, 2001
Posts: 3150
collecting here.....
A Nun's Kiss
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver
won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring. He
replies, "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend
you."
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I
am and have been a Nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and
hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could
say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a Nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that:
#1, you have to be single and
#2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single; and
I 'm Catholic too!"
"OK" the Nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
He does and the Nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would
make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me Sister, but I have sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm
married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a
Halloween party."
Vinod John
Ranch Hand

Joined: Jun 23, 2003
Posts: 162
Originally posted by <R K Singh>:
Gang of Sardars plan to loot bank ;
break & open bank safe & find chilled lassi-gulp happily.
Next day headlines
Sardars looted "SPERM BANK"

Ashish Agrawal
Ranch Hand

Joined: Nov 02, 2003
Posts: 112
Amazing Jokes.....Best Collection Ever...Keep it up ranchies....this page deserves to be on the first page of Meaningless Drivel always. n'joy..
- Ashish Agrawal.
Anonymous
Ranch Hand

Joined: Nov 22, 2008
Posts: 18944
SHE: Can I buy you a drink?
HE: Actually I'd rather have the money.
SHE: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
HE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.
SHE: Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
HE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.
SHE: How did you get to be so handsome?
HE: I must've been given your share.
SHE: Will you go out with me this Saturday?
HE: Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.
SHE: Your face must turn a few heads.
HE: And your face must turn a few stomachs.
SHE: Go on ,don't be shy. Ask me out.
HE: Okay, get out.
SHE: I think I could make you very happy.
HE: Why? Are you leaving?
SHE: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
HE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.
SHE: Can I have your name?
HE: Why? Don't you already have one?
SHE: Shall we go see a movie?
HE: I've already seen it.
SHE: Where have you been all my life?
HE: Hiding from you.
SHE: Haven't I seen you some place before?
HE: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.
SHE: Is this seat empty?
HE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
SHE: So, what do you do for a living?
HE: I'm a male impersonator.
SHE: Where have you been all my life?
HE: Where I'll be the rest of your life - in your wildest dreams.
Amit KumarS
Ranch Hand

Joined: Oct 10, 2003
Posts: 100
here are a few...
Santa Singh and Banta Singh queuing behind his friend at an ATM machine.
Santa: What are you looking at?
Banta: I know your Pin number, hee hee!
Santa: Alright, what is my Pin number, if you saw it?
Banta: Four asterisks!

**************************************************************
Santa Singh and Banta Singh landed up in Mumbai. They managed to get into a double-decker bus. Santa Singh somehow managed to get a bottom seat, but unfortunate Banta got pushed to the top. After a while when the rush was over, Santa went upstairs to see friend Banta Singh. He met Banta in a bad condition clutching the seats in front with both hands, scared to death. Santa says, "Arey, Banta Singh! What the heck is goin' on? Why are you so scared ? I was enjoying my ride down there?"
Scared Banta replies. "Yeah, but you've got a driver!�
**************************************************************
Santa Singh walked into a gas station and told the manager, "I locked my keys in my car and I was wondering if you had a coat hanger I could stick through the window and unlock the door."
"Why, sure," said the manager, "we have something that works especially for that."
A couple minutes later, the manager walked outside to see how Santa was doing.
He heard another voice.
"No, no, a little to the left," said Banta inside the car.
**********************************************************************
A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, "What happened to your ears?" He says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and (hold iron to ear) shhh! I accidentally answered the iron." The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?" He says, "Well, jeez, I had to call the doctor!"
***********************************************************************
The female reported for her University final examination, which consists of "yes/no" type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Yes for Heads and No for Tails. Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating.
The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.
"I finished the exam in half an hour. But now I am rechecking my answers."
******************************************************************
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. However, their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.
When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
**********************************************************************
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
"You'll get your chance in court." said the Desk Sergeant.
"No, no no !" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

Enjoy!!
Amit


****************************<br />In 24 hrs Earth rotates once on its Axis.
Amit KumarS
Ranch Hand

Joined: Oct 10, 2003
Posts: 100
here are few more..
enjoy!!!

The bear and the rabbit
There once was a bear and a rabbit that hated each other. One day, they found a genie in a lamp who said he would grant them each three wishes.The bear went first and he said,"I wish to be the only male bear in this forrest." And he got his wish.
The rabbit said, "I want a motercycle helmet." And he got his wish.
The bear went up and said, "I wish to be the only male bear in the United States, and all the rest to be female." And he got his wish.
The rabbit said, "I wish I had a motorcycle to go with that helmet." And he got his wish.
The bear said, "I wish I was the only male bear in the world, and all the rest were females." And he got his wish.
It was the rabbit's turn, and he said, "I wish that bear was gay."

*********************************************************************
One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister."
Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."
*******************************************************************
Amit
Anonymous
Ranch Hand

Joined: Nov 22, 2008
Posts: 18944
.Welldone
R K Singh
Ranch Hand

Joined: Oct 15, 2001
Posts: 5371
SOFTWARE COMPANY METHODS OF KILLING A LION

Infy method:
hire a lion and ask him to meow like a cat ..he will die eventually of
frustration.
TCS method:
hire a lion, give him a hell lot of work and pay him government
salary, lion dies of hunger and frustration
MBT method:
hire the lion, make him take 14 tests and tell him that if he doesn't score
60% he will lose the job. lion dies of the strain.
COSL Method:
hire a lion ..tell him to merge with Goats (polaris) and reduce his
allowance...lion dies from fear that tomorrow he might become a goat...
Polaris Method :
hire ..sorry....purchase a lion(COSL) ...change his timings...(instead of 9
AM...change it to 8:30 AM) ...cut down his allowance (coupons etc) ..lion dies
from fear of becoming CAT...
Silverline Method:
hire a lion, declare a scandal and don't pay him... he dies of hunger.
IB! ! M's method:
hire a lion, give him a pink slip in an hr ... he dies of
unemployment.
Quinnox method:
hire the lion. either give him no work or ask for a premature delivery.Lion
either dies of boredom or intense physical & mental activity.
Patni method:
hire a lion, give him a salary of a cat...the lion dies before joining..
Nucsoft method:
hire a lion,give him job of grass eating (IBBS Support)..the lion dies from
lack of eating meat.
Satyam method:
hire a lion ,give him net access..no work..and deport him to Chennai
centre...no water..no electricity..no hindi speaking ppl...lion dies in
oblivion....
Wipro method:
hire a lion...give him lots of work...transfer him to Wipro Lights
division..lion dies due to exhaustion .


"Thanks to Indian media who has over the period of time swiped out intellectual taste from mass Indian population." - Chetan Parekh
R K Singh
Ranch Hand

Joined: Oct 15, 2001
Posts: 5371
>
> A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first
> grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on "No
> Baby Talk"! You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding
> them.
>
> She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend? "I went to visit my
> Nana."
>
> "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big people' words!"
>
> She then asked Mitchell what he had done "I took a ride on a
> choo-choo."
>
> She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big
> People" words.
>
> She then asked Alex what he had done? "I read a book," he replied.
>
> "That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said."What book did you read?"
>
> Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his little chest with
> great pride, and said, "Winnie the SHIT."
Amit KumarS
Ranch Hand

Joined: Oct 10, 2003
Posts: 100
some more
Three very macho mice are standing around trying to outdo each other. The first mouse says, "You know those little pellets they put out around the house trying to poison us? I love those things. I eat 'em like candy." The second mouse, not to be outdone says, "Oh yeah? Well, you know those mousetraps they put out to try to catch us? What I do is get on the trap, grab the cheese, and then flip over onto my back, and when the steel bar comes swinging down I grab it and do bench presses with it." The third mouse says, "You guys are really a couple of tough mice, and I'd love to keep hangin' out with you here, but I gotta go fuck the cat."
***********************************************************************
At a jewelry store, a young man bought an expensive locket as a present for his girlfriend. "Don't you want her name engraved upon it?" asked the jeweler. The young man thought for a moment, and then, ever the pragmatic, steadfastly replied,
"No, just engrave it: To My One And Only Love. That way, if we break up and she throws it back to me in anger, I can use it again."
*************************************************************************
If Microsoft Built Cars...
1. A particular model year of car wouldn't be available until after that year instead of before it.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would just die for no reason, and you'd have to restart it. For some strange reason, you'd just accept this.
4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought a Car 95 or a Car NT. But then you'd have to buy more seats.
5. Sun Motorsystems would make a car that was powered by the sun, twice as reliable, and five times as fast - but it would only run on 5 percent of the roads.
6. The oil, engine, gas, and alternator warning lights would be replaced with a single "General Car Fault" warning light.
7. People would get excited about the "new" features in Microsoft cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other cars for years.
8. We'd all have to switch to Microsoft gas.
9. The U.S. government would be GETTING subsidies from an automaker, instead of giving them.
10. New seats would force everyone to have the same-size butt.
********************************************************************
Three engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers bought only one ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an accountant."Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.
They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective seats, but the three engineers all crammed into a rest room and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, "Ticket, please". The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took it and moved on. The accountants saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea.
So, after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to ride without a ticket"? said one perplexed accountant."Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer. When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a restroom and the three engineers crammed into another one nearby. The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants were hiding.
He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please".
********************************************************************
Enjoy
Amit
Amit KumarS
Ranch Hand

Joined: Oct 10, 2003
Posts: 100
Hi all,
Some more...
Random Rude Joke
1. Cats do what they want, when they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. They whine when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play they want to be left alone.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
8. They're moody.
9. They leave their hair everywhere. 1
0. They drive you nuts.
Conclusion: Cats are small women in fur coats
**********************************************************************

A newlywed couple on their honeymoon gets to the hotel room. When they start to have sex, the wife says that she has something to confess. The husband says, "I will love you no matter what it is, tell me." So the wife tells him that she is actually extremely flat chested. The husband says, "I can deal with that." He takes off her shirt and shouts, "Boy! you are small, but I love you nyway." The husband says, "I have something to confess also." She says, "No matter what I will still love you." He says, "Okay.I am built like a baby down there." She says, "I can deal with that." So he pulls down his pants and his wife passes out! He fans her and she finally gets up. She says, "I thought you said you were built like a baby?" He says, "Yeah....7lbs, 21inches."
**********************************************************************
Three guys die and end up at the gates of heaven, talking to St. Peter. "So," Peter asks the first guy, "how many times did you cheat on your wife?" "None. I had a perfect marriage." "Great," says Peter. "You get to cruise around heaven in a Mercedes. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?" "Only twice, I think," says the second guy. "Okay. You get to cruise around heaven in a Cadillac. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?" "12 times. Maybe 13," says the third guy. "Okay," says Peter. "You get a rusty Ford." Later that day, the guy in the Cadillac sees the guy in the Mercedes crying. "What's wrong?" "I just saw my wife." "So?" "She was riding a skateboard."
**********************************************************************
Once there was a man with a girlfriend named Loraine. He was cheating on her with a girl named Clearly. Then Loraine died. At the funeral the man stood up and sang, ''I can see Clearly now Loraine is gone....''
**********************************************************************
Why doesn't Osama bin Laden have sex with his five wives? Because every time he spreads their legs he sees Bush.
**********************************************************************
Q. Why are guys faster than girls?
A. They have a stick shift and ball bearings.
**********************************************************************
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates." About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."
So, he sat down and wrote, "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But, the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But, the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom.
Lesson of the day: Don't lie to your mother.
**********************************************************************
This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine. The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive." The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?" The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed. "Well," the doctor continued, "Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing." The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly. Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head. "How did it go?" the doctor asked. "Terrible, doctor, terrible." "Did it not work?" "Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years." "Then what is the problem, ma'am?" "Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."
**********************************************************************
There was this guy who always went out drinking with his friends. He would always come home very late. One night, while he was at the bar he told them his secret for being able to sneak in late. "When I walk in the house, before the wife can say anything, I lay her down, take off her panties, and give her the best oral sex she's ever had, until she has such an orgasm that she falls into a deep sleep. Then, I wash up and go to bed. By morning, she is so pleased, she doesn't care what time I came home." One of his friends thinks this is a great idea. So he stays out late, comes home, sneaks into the bedroom, gives his wife the best oral sex she's ever had, and goes to wash up. His wife walks into the bathroom, obviously upset that he's home so late. "Hey, why aren't you sleeping?" he asks. "I was was, but I came in to tell you that we've got to sleep on the couch tonight, 'cause my mother is sleeping in our bedroom."
**********************************************************************
What do electric trainsets and women's breasts have in common?
They were both originally intended for children, but it's the men who play with them.
**********************************************************************
A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?" His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."
The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother. "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?" "Don't tell your father, but yes, I would."
He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?" She replies, "Omigod! Definitely!" The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with two sluts."
Enjoy
Amit
Shalu Ban
Ranch Hand

Joined: Feb 18, 2003
Posts: 72
Smart guys

A bunch of smart MBA students about to give their final paper just got nicely drunk & did not study. Next day morning remorse filled them & they thought of a brilliant idea of fooling their dean to cover their absence. They painted their hands & dresses with oil & grease &, with disheveled hair, they burst in the examination hall where the paper was going on. They painted a sob story of how their car developed a flat tyre the previous night on a desolate road & how they didn't get any help & had to rough out back to the campus which they reached just a few minutes earlier. They pleaded for a re-exam after a few days. The dean said he was a reasonable man & he would give the re-exam after three days. The boys worked hard for the three days & went to the hall confidently. The dean explained that since this was an extraordinary request, the four students will give the examination from four different halls, the question paper being the same.
The question paper was given to the four halls.
It had 100 marks.
The first question which had just 5 marks was simple.
The second question which had 95 marks was:-
�WHICH TYRE??�
******************************************************
Team work is essential!!!


Happiness is doing what is right.
Richard Hawkes
Ranch Hand

Joined: Jan 28, 2003
Posts: 1340
From an e-mail I got today:
Quotes from Leaving Cert Essays:
She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances
like underpants in a tumble dryer
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a
bowling ball wouldn't.
McMurphy fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a paper bag
filled with vegetable soup.
Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the centre
The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan
set on medium.
Her vocabulary was as bad as, kinda' like, sorta, whatever.
He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you
fry them in hot grease
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across
the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one
having left Ballina at 6:36 pm travelling at 55 mph, the other from
Claremorris 4:19pm at a speed of 35 mph.
The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the full stop after the
Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who
had also never met.
The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet
of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
The red brick wall was the colour of a brick-red crayon.
Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only
one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.
Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
The plan was simple, like my brother Phil. But unlike Phil, this
plan just might work.
The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating
for while.
"Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her bre@$ts heaving like a
student on 50 cent-a-pint night.
He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either,
but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land
mine or something.
Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can
tell butter from the "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter" ad.
She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes
just before it throws up.
It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had
ever seen before.
The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender
leg behind her, like a dog at a lamppost.
The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated
because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a
surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free cashpoint.
It was a working class tradition, like fathers chasing kids around
with their power tools.
He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard
bells, as if she were a dustcart reversing.
She was as easy as the Independent crossword.
She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was
room-temperature British beef.
Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a first-generation
thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightened. It hurt the
way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other
sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
R K Singh
Ranch Hand

Joined: Oct 15, 2001
Posts: 5371
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man
around that they offered a Rs 10,000 bet. The bartender would
squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the
lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice
out would win the money. Many people like weightlifters, wrestlers,
body builders, etc had tried over time, but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a
safari suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the
bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK,
grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled
remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter
turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the
lemon and 5-6 drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the
bartender paid the Rs 10,000, and asked the little man, "What do you
do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?"
"No," replied the man. "I work as project manager for the IT Dept."
R K Singh
Ranch Hand

Joined: Oct 15, 2001
Posts: 5371
Arranged Marriage & Love Marriage..........
ALL the matter below is unintentional and only for enjoyment.
Love Marriage: Resembles procedural programming language. We have some set
functions like flirting, going to movies together, making long
conversations on phone and then try to fit all functions to the candidate
we like.
Arranged Marriage: Similar to object oriented programming approach. We
first fix the candidate and then try to implement functions on her. The
main object is fixed and various functions are added to supplement the
main program. The functions can be added or deleted.
Love Marriage: It is a throwaway type of prototype as client requirements
rises with time thus it is a dynamic system and difficult to maintain.
Arranged Marriage: Requirements are well defined so use of waterfall model
is possible.
Love Marriage: Family system hangs because hardware called parents are not
responding.
Arranged Marriage: Compatible with hardware Parents.
Love Marriage: You are the project leader so u are responsible for
implementation and execution of PROJECT- married life.
Arranged Marriage: You are a team member under project leader (parents) so
they are responsible for successful execution of project Married life.
Love Marriage: Client expectations include exciting feature as spouse
cooking food, washing clothes etc.
Arranged Marriage: All these features are covered in the SRS as required
features.
Love Marriage: Acceptance test possible you can try before you Buy.
Arranged Marriage: Product is sold on an as is where is basis. Product
once sold will not be taken back!Arranged Marriage is like Unix..boring n
colorless... still extremely reliable n robust.
Love Marriage is like Windows, beautiful n seductive........ yet one
never knows when it will crash........
R K Singh
Ranch Hand

Joined: Oct 15, 2001
Posts: 5371
There was just one cinema Theatre in the
Village. The village people, though backward were very patriotic. In
fact as a Cinema screen the owner of the theatre had installed a khaadi
dhoti. The villagers were very happy with the idea of a Khaadi Dhoti screen.
> > >They decided to dedicate the theatre to
> >
> > >Mahatma Gandhiji,
> >
> > >and
> >
> > >Named the
> >
> > >theatre: GANDHI KEE DHOTI
> >
> > >Some of the Up coming attractions at
> >
> > >GANDHI KEE DHOTI as
> >
> > >advertised in
> >
> > >the
> >
> > >Local Newspaper were:
> >
> > >Gandhi kee Dhoti mein KACHHE DHAGE .
> >
> > >Gandhi kee Dhoti mein HAL-CHAL
> >
> > >Gandhi kee Dhoti mein Daraar.
> >
> > >Gandhi kee Dhoti mein Chuppa Rustom .
> >
> > >Gandhi kee Dhoti mein Baazigar
> >
> > >Gandhi kee Dhoti mein Do Jasoos .
> >
> > >Gandhi kee Dhoti mein Aandhi
> >
> > >Gandhi kee Dhoti mein Garam Hawaa .
> >
> > >Gandhi kee Dhoti mein Hero No. 1 .
> >
> > >Gandhi kee Dhoti mein Sabse Bada Khilaadi
> >
> > >Gandhi kee Dhoti mein Kuchh Kuchh hota
> >
> > >hai.
> >
> > >Gandhi kee dohti mein Raju Ban Gaya
> >
> > >Gentlemen.
> >
> > >Gandhi kee dohti mein Josh
> >
> > >Gandhi kee dohti mein Joru ka Ghulam
> >
> > >
> >
> > >Gandhi kee dohti mein Mere Do Anmol Ratan
> >
> > >Gandhi kee dohti mein Judwaa
> >
> > >Gandhi kee dohti mein Refugee
> >
> > >Gandhi kee dohti mein Tera Jadoo Chal Gaaya
> >
> > >Gandhi kee dohti mein Jungle
> >
> > >Gandhi kee dohti Mein 100 days (starring
> >
> > >madhuri)
> >
> > >Gandhi kee dohti mein Hera Pheri
> >
> > >gnadhi kee dohti mein Koyla
> >
> > >Gandhi kee dohti mein Nothing to Lose
> >
> > >(english movie)
> >
> > >Gandhi kee dohti mein Gone in Sixty Seconds
> >
> > >(english movie)
Anonymous
Ranch Hand

Joined: Nov 22, 2008
Posts: 18944
Originally posted by R K Singh:
> >
> > >Gandhi kee Dhoti mein KACHHE DHAGE .(Raw strings in Gandhi's Underwear(GU))
> >
> > >Gandhi kee Dhoti mein HAL-CHAL--movement in GU
> >
> > >Gandhi kee Dhoti mein Daraar.
> >
> > >Gandhi kee Dhoti mein Chuppa Rustom .
> >
> > >Gandhi kee Dhoti mein Baazigar..winner in GU
> >
> > >Gandhi kee Dhoti mein Do Jasoos .Spy in GU
> >
> > >Gandhi kee Dhoti mein Aandhi..
> >
> > >Gandhi kee Dhoti mein Garam Hawaa .Hot Air in GU
> >
> > >Gandhi kee Dhoti mein Hero No. 1 . Hero Number 1 in GU.
> >
> > >Gandhi kee Dhoti mein Sabse Bada Khilaadi..Biggest player in GU
> >
> > >Gandhi kee Dhoti mein Kuchh Kuchh hota..something happens in GU
> >
> > >hai.
> >
> > >Gandhi kee dohti mein Raju Ban Gaya
> >
> > >Gentlemen...Raju becomes Gentelman in GU
> >
> > >Gandhi kee dohti mein Josh..energy in GU
> >
> > >Gandhi kee dohti mein Joru ka Ghulam..Spade Jack in GU
> >
> > >
> >
> > >Gandhi kee dohti mein Mere Do Anmol Ratan..My two precious stones in GU
> >
> > >Gandhi kee dohti mein Judwaa..Twins in GU
> >
> > >Gandhi kee dohti mein Refugee..Refugee in GU
> >
> > >Gandhi kee dohti mein Tera Jadoo Chal Gaaya..Your magic worked in GU
> >
> > >Gandhi kee dohti mein Jungle..Jungle in GU
> >
> > >Gandhi kee dohti Mein 100 days (starring
> >
> > >madhuri)
> >
> > >Gandhi kee dohti mein Hera Pheri...Scam in GU
> >
> > >gnadhi kee dohti mein Koyla..Charcoal in GU
> >
> > >Gandhi kee dohti mein Nothing to Lose
> >
> > >(english movie)
> >
> > >Gandhi kee dohti mein Gone in Sixty Seconds
> >
> > >(english movie)
Anonymous
Ranch Hand

Joined: Nov 22, 2008
Posts: 18944
With that this is the end of this Garbage Thread .
Thanks to Ravish Kumar who finds a lot of time from his work to find the garbage.Thanks also to Maza Thulli fro New Hampshire for sharing her garbage information to the rest of the world.
R K Singh
Ranch Hand

Joined: Oct 15, 2001
Posts: 5371
Understanding Engineers -Take One
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass
is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to
be.

Understanding Engineers - Take Two
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to
him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He
bent
over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up
again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful
princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the
frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The
frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer
took
the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally,
the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful
princess, and that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you
want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer.
I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's
cool."

Understanding Engineers - Take Three
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these
guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such
ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's
have a
word with him."
Hi George! Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather
slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of
blind fire-fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from
a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group
was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think
I'll say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea.
And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's
anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys
play at night?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Four
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil
Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons and Civil Engineers build
targets.

Understanding Engineers - Take Five
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it
was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he
enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an
enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress,
because the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said,
"I like both."
" Both? "
"Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you
are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get
some work done."
Understanding Engineers - Take Six

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said,
"Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well,
I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a
beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground,
took off
all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." "The second engineer
nodded approvingly, "Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have
fit."
Understanding Engineers - Take Seven

Once engineers from all fields get together for a discussion. The
topic is " To which engineering field does GOD belong " . Mechanical
Engineer: I guess He must be a machine or else he couldn't have
developed such a beautiful and symmetrical body. Chemical Engineer:
Definitely
God is a chemical engineer ... .just look at the various complex
chemical processes in the human body. Computer Engineer: He is indeed a
computer engineer. Who else could

have written the software for the brain to work? Civil Engineer: He
is a Civil engineer for sure coz who else could have built a drainage pipe
in a recreational area !!!
Balaji Loganathan
author and deputy
Bartender

Joined: Jul 13, 2001
Posts: 3150
You've gotta read this. It's hilarious!
Be sure to read the warning at the bottom.


Did you know that you can tell from the skin whether a person is
sexually active or not?

1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women
make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which makes hair

shine and skin smooth.

2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering
dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the
pores and
makes your skin glow.

3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that
romantic dinner.

4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and
tones up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable than
swimming 20 laps, and you don't need special sneakers!

5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases endorphins
into

the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with
a feeling of well-being.

6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually
active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones.

These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!

7. Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE
EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM.

8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages
saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that

causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.

9. Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release
the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain.

10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural
antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever.

This message has been sent to you for good luck in sex. The original
is in a room in Palaiseau. It has been sent around the world nine times.
Now
sex has been sent to you. The "Hot Sex Fairy" will visit you within four

days of receiving this message, provided you, in turn, send it on. If
you
don't, then you will never receive good sex again for the rest of your
life. You will eventually become celibate, and your genitals will rot
and fall
off.
This is no joke! Send copies to people you think need sex
(who doesn't?). Don't send money, as the fate of your genitals has
no price.
Do not keep this message. This message must leave your e-mail in 96
hours. Please send ten copies and see what happens in four days. Since
the
copy must tour the world, you must send it. This is true, even if you
are
not superstitious. GOOD SEX, but please remember: 10 copies of this
message must leave your e-mail in 96 hours or you will not have good sex
again
for the rest of your life!!!
Balaji Loganathan
author and deputy
Bartender

Joined: Jul 13, 2001
Posts: 3150
Take your OWN meaning
1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play -
normally one club and two balls.
2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the
hole and keep the balls out.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft.
Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play
begins.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to
avoid damage to the hole.
6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as
necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.arrival at the course.
7. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the
entire course with special attention to well formed bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have
played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being
played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players equipment for
this reason.
9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their
own protection.
10. Players should ensure themselves that their match has been
properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played the
first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they
discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private
course.
11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at
all
times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course
to be
temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely
tactful in
this situation. More advanced players will find alternative
means of
play when this is the case.
12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning
any bush
around the hole to allow for improved viewing of, alignment
with, and
approach to the hole.

13. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission
before
attempting to play the back side.

14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared
to
proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course
owners
request.
R K Singh
Ranch Hand

Joined: Oct 15, 2001
Posts: 5371
How to Tell the Gender of a Fly
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 Males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
Mani Ram
Ranch Hand

Joined: Mar 11, 2002
Posts: 1140
Santa Singh wanted to be an accountant, so he went for an aptitude test:
Tester: If I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Santa Singh: SEVEN!
Tester : No, listen carefully again. If I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Santa Singh: SEVEN!
Tester: Let's try this another way. If I give you two bottles of beer, and two bottles of beer, and another two bottles of
beer, how many bottles of beer have you got?
Santa Singh: SIX.
Tester : Good! Now, if I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Santa Singh: SEVEN!
Tester : How on Earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?
Santa Singh: I've already got one rabbit at home.


Mani
Quaerendo Invenietis
R K Singh
Ranch Hand

Joined: Oct 15, 2001
Posts: 5371
Three contractors were visiting a tourist attraction on the same day. One was from New York, another from Texas, and the third from Florida. At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living. When they all replied that they were contractors the guard said, ''Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys take a look at it and give me a bid?'' So to the back fence they all went.
First to step up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, ''Well I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.''
Next was the Texas contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, ''Looks like I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.''
Without so much as moving, the New York contractor said, ''$2,700.'' The guard, incredulous, looked at him and said, ''You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?''
''Easy,'' he said. ''$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Texas.''
R K Singh
Ranch Hand

Joined: Oct 15, 2001
Posts: 5371
Two guys were working at a sawmill when one of the guys got too close
to the blade and cut off his arm. His buddy put the severed arm in a
plastic bag and rushed it down to the hospital to get re-attached. The
next
day he goes to see his chum, and finds him playing tennis.
"Incredible!" says his friend. "Medical science is amazing."
Another month goes by and the same two guys are again at the sawmill
working when the same guy gets too close to the spinning blade and
this time his leg gets cut off. Again his buddy takes the leg, puts it
in
a plastic bag and takes it to the hospital to get re-attached. The next
day, he goes down to see his chum and finds him outside playing
football.
"Incredible!" says his friend. "Medical science is amazing!"
Well another month goes by and again the same two friends are at the
mill cutting wood when suddenly the same guy bends down too close to
the
blade and off comes his head. Well his friend takes the head, puts it
in a
plastic bag, and heads to the hospital to get it re-attached.
The next day he goes to see his friend but can't find him. He sees
the doctor walking down the hall and says, "Doc, where is my friend? I
brought him in yesterday."
The doctor thinks for a minute and says, "Oh yeah, some idiot put his
head in a plastic bag and he choked to death owning to severe
suffocation."
R K Singh
Ranch Hand

Joined: Oct 15, 2001
Posts: 5371
Why did they stop printing Pamela Anderson stamps in U.S ???
Because the people started licking the wrong side!
========================================================================
Lady : "I want a good vibrator"
Salesman: "Ma'am you mayselect one from our range that is displayed on
that wall"
Lady : "O.K. I'll take that red one "
Salesman: "Sorry, that's our fire-extinguisher"
*******************************
Carlos walks into a bar, sits down next to another guy and
immediately notices the guy has a very large BIC cigarette lighter.
Carlos says "Wow, cool lighter...where did you get it?"
"A genie from a bottle granted me one wish."
"Great, can I try it?"
"Sure."
Carlos rubs the bottle and the genie appears. "You are granted one
wish says the genie."
The guy says, "I want a million bucks!"
"Done" says the genie and disappears.
A few minutes go by and suddenly the bar door swings open and
thousands and thousands of ducks start falling all over each other
through the bar
door.
"I can't believe this," says the guy who had just placed his wish,
"I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"
The second guy then says, "Do you really think I wished for a 12"
BIC?"
*****************************A boy and his father were playing catch in the front yard when the
boy saw a honeybee. He ran over and stomped it. "That was a
HONEYbee,"
his father said, "one of our
friends. For stomping him you will do without honey for a week."
Later the boy saw a butterfly, so he ran over and stomped it.
"That was a BUTTERfly," his father said, "one of our friends, and for
stomping him you will do
without butter for a week."
The next morning the family sat down for breakfast. The boy ate his
plain
toast with no honey or butter.
Suddenly a COCKroach ran out from under the stove. His mother stomped
it.
The boy looked at his father and said, "Are you going to tell her,
Dad, or
should I?"
==========================
A MAN'S GUIDE TO WHAT A WOMAN IS REALLY SAYING:
>
>I JUST NEED SOME SPACE.
>.... without you in it.
>
>DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS?
>We haven't had a fight in a while.
>
>NO, PIZZA'S FINE.
>.... you cheap slob!
>
>I JUST DON'T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW.
>I just don't want you as a boyfriend now.
>
>I DON'T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
>I can't believe you have nothing planned.
>
>COME HERE.
>My puppy does this, too.
>
>I LIKE YOU, BUT...
>I don't like you.
>
>YOU NEVER LISTEN.
>You never listen.
>
>I'LL BE READY IN A MINUTE.
>I'm ready, but I'm going to make you wait because I
>know you will.
>
>OH, NO, I'LL PAY FOR MYSELF.
>I'm just being nice; there's no way I'm going dutch.
>
>OH YES!!! RIGHT THERE!!
>Well, near there; I just want to get this over with.
>
>I'M JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS.
>We're gonna make fun of you and your friends.
>
>~~~~~~~~
>
>A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself
>with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured
>if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in
>nine holes before he had to head home. Just as he
>was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto
>the tee and asked if he could accompany the young
>man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say
>no, he allowed the old gent to join him.
>
>To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly.
>He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along
>consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally,
>they reached the 9th fairway and the young man
>found himself with a tough shot. There was a large
>pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly
>between his ball and the green.
>
>After several minutes of debating how to hit the
>shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I
>was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
>
>With that challenge placed before him, the youngster
>swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the
>top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the
>ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.
>
>The old man offered one more comment, "Of course,
>when I was your age that pine tree was only three
>feet tall."
==================
Ben Ga y
This guy walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist "
Listen, I have 3 girls coming over tonight. I never had 3
girls at once, I need something to keep me horny,
keep me potent."
So the pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks
the bottom drawer and takes out a small black cardboard
box marked with an "X" and says "Here, if you eat this you'll
go NUTS for 12 hours!"
The guy says "gimmee 3 boxes".
Same guy walks into the same pharmacy, right up to the
same pharmacist and pulls down his pants. The pharmacist
looks in horror as he notices the man's dick is black blue, the
skin's hanging off in places. The man says "gimmee a
bottle of Ben Gay."
To which the pharmacist replies "Ben Gay? You're not
going to put BEN GAY on that are you?"
The guy says, "No it's for my arms, the girls didn't show up".
___________________________________

Birthday Gift
While purchasing some condoms, Little Johnny remarked
with a smile, "I'm giving my girl a birthday present
tonight."
"Yes, sir," smiled the drug clerk. Then he added,
forcing a straight face, "would you perhaps like these
gift-wrapped?"
"That wouldn't make much sense," said Little Johnny.
"They're the gift wrapping."
_____________________________________
Where Babies Come From!
A young boy knows about sex and where babies come from because his mother told him that "the man puts his penis inside the woman and she gets pregnant."
A few days later, after pondering this for some time, the boy asks in all the innocence and wonder of a child, "Does the man ever get his penis back?" (not if I had my way)
=============================
> ZEN THOUGHTS
>
> 1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
>
> 2. A day without sunshine is like, night.
>
> 3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
>
> 4. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
>
> 5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
>
> 6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
>
> 7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
>
> 8. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
>
> 9. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
>
> 10. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
>
> 11. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
>
> 12. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the
cheese.
>
> 13. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
>
> 14. Support bacteria. They're the only Culture some people have.
>
> 15. MONDAY is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.
>
> 16. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
>
> 17. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
>
> 18. Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!
>
> 19. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
>
> 20. Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
>
> 21. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
>
> 22. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...
>
> 23. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
>
> 24. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
>
> 25. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously
overlooked
something.
>
> 26. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
>
> 27. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
>
> 28. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
>
> 29. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
>
> 30. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
>
> 31. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
>
> 32. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
>
> 33. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
>
> 34. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
>
> 35. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what
happened.
>
> 36. If the early bird catches the worm, what's the worm's incentive
to
get up early?

=========================
>The vaseline and the girlfriend's parents
>
>A guy was around a mates house before having to go meet his girlfriends parents. They were checking out his motorbike but the guy wanted advice on how to keep it from having streaks left over after the rain... His friend had the answer...Vaseline...just rub it on quite thinly as it's about to rain.
>
>So he rides off to his girlfriends parent's house on his bike, with a small tub of vaseline in his jacket pocket incase the weather looks grim.
>
>As his girlfriend opens the door, she says "look, at dinner we have one rule, who ever speaks first, does the dishes" and so he sits down to dinner and not a word is uttered. He kisses his girlfriend and the parents don't say a word... He then starts to finger her...but still not a word is uttered. Then he grabs her, lays her out on the table and screws her right infront of her parents... Still not a word said. The guy thinks... right lets see how far I can take this...and then starts screwing his girlfriends mother. Nobody says a word.
>
>Suddenly as a chance glimpse out the window would show him that there were really grey clouds and the guy thinks...crap...my bike. And he gets the vaseline out of his jacket pocket...to which his girlfriends dad says "OK OK, I'll do the washing up!"
>
R K Singh
Ranch Hand

Joined: Oct 15, 2001
Posts: 5371
* * * * *Strange U.S. Sex Laws
-- In Bakersfield, California, anyone having intercourse with Satan
must use a condom. (An asbestos one we presume.)
-- In Oblong, Illinois, it's punishable by law to make love while
hunting or fishing on your wedding day.
-- In Minnesota, it is illegal for any man to have sexual intercourse
with a live fish. (Apparently it's OK for woman.)
-- No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic,
onions, or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota. If his wife
so requests, law mandates that he must brush his teeth.
-- Warn your hubby that after lovemaking in Ames, Iowa, he isn't
allowed to take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with
you -- or holding you in his arms.
-- Bozeman, Montana, has a law that bans all sexual activity between
memb ers of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown --
if they're nude.
-- In hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, every room is required to
have twin beds. And the beds must always be a minimum of two feet apart
when a couple rents a room for only one night. And it's illegal to make
love on the floor between the beds!
-- The owner of every hotel in Hastings, Nebraska, is required to
provide each guest with a clean and pressed nightshirt. No couple, even
if they are married, may sleep together in the nude. Nor may they have
sex unless they are wearing one of these clean, white cotton
nightshirts.
-- An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming, specifically bans couples from
having sex while standing inside a store's walk-in meat freezer!
-- A state law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors should be called
master, not mister, when addressed by their female counterparts.
-- In Romboch, Virg inia, it is illegal to engage in sexual activity
with the lights on.
-- In Merryville, Missouri, women are prohibited from wearing corsets
because "the privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of
a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American
male."
-- It's safe to make love while parked in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho. Police
officers aren't allowed to walk up and knock on the window. Any
suspicious officer who thinks that sex is taking place must drive up
from behind, honk his horn three times and wait approximately two
minutes before getting out of his car to investigate.
-- A law in Helena, Montana, mandates that a woman can't dance on a
table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two
ounces of clothing. (Ouch! These pasties hurt!)
-- Anywhere in the U.S., it's illegal to use any live endangered
species, excepting insects, in public or private sexual displays, shows
or exhibits depicting cross-species sex. (Insectophiles apparently were
successful in their lobbying efforts.)
-- Lovers in Liberty Corner, New Jersey, should avoid satisfying their
lustful urges in a parked car. If the horn accidentally sounds while
they are frolicking behind the wheel, the couple can face a jail term.
-- In Carlsbad, New Mexico, it's legal for couples to have sex in a
parked vehicle during their lunch break from work, as long as the car or
van has drawn curtains to stop strangers from peeking in.
-- Women aren't allowed to wear patent-leather shoes in Cleveland, Ohio
- a man might see the reflection of something "he oughtn't!"
-- No woman may have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance within
the boundaries of Tremonton, Utah. If caught, the woman can be charged
with a sexual misdemeanour and "her name is to be published in the local
newspaper." The man isn't charged nor is his name revealed.
-- It is illegal for any member of the Nevada Legislature to conduct
official business wearing a penis costume while the legislature is in
session.
* * * * *
A newlywed couple goes on their honeymoon in Hawaii. They get a master suite in their hotel. The man's wife leaves, but the staff fails to notice.
A few hours later, the man goes to the manager at the desk, and says, he is "checking out."
The manager asks him where his wife is.
The man tells the manager that she left him.
The manager asks, "Why, didn't you have a good time last night?"
The man replies, "No, I had the best night of my life last night." The manager asks, "Then why did she leave you?" The man replies, "It was with the maid."
* * *

One morning, seventy-five year old Marvin is reminded by his secretary that it his wife's birthday. At lunch, Marvin goes to the local mall and tries to find a gift for her. Upon passing a lingerie store, Marvin realizes that his wife has never bought any lingerie in her life. He gets the idea to buy his wife something sexy to make her feel good and young. Marvin goes into the store and tells the clerk to wrap up the most expensive, sheerest negligee she has.
Marvin takes the gift and excitedly runs home to his wife. Upon finding her in the kitchen he tells her to take the gift upstairs and unwrap it. He'll wait in the kitchen. His wife thanks him and goes up to the bedroom.
Once the package is opened she realizes that this is something she's never had before. She also sees that it is so sheer it leaves nothing to the imagination. She thinks for a moment and then decides that she'll really surprise Marvin and go downstairs without any clothes on at all.
So sh e leaves the negligee on the bed and starts down the stairs stark naked. She calls out, ''Marvin, come out to the hallway and look.''
Marvin walks out to the staircase, looks up at his wife, and exclaims, ''All that money and they didn't even iron it?!''

-------------------------
The Five Secrets of a Perfect Relationship
-------------------------

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home,
who cooks and cleans from time to time, and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you
laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust
and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed
and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women
don't know each other.
R K Singh
Ranch Hand

Joined: Oct 15, 2001
Posts: 5371
> Here you will find the top 45 oxymorons. An oxymoron is a combination of
> two
> words that are completely opposite in meaning. You've probably heard many
> of
> these before but didn't realize that they fall within this category. Read
> to the end.
>
> 45. Act naturally
> 44. Found missing
> 43. Resident alien
> 42. Advanced BASIC
> 41. Genuine imitation
> 40. Airline Food
> 39. Good grief
> 38. Same difference
> 37. Almost exactly
> 36. Government organization
> 35. Sanitary landfill
> 34. Alone together
> 33. Legally drunk
> 32. Silent scream
> 31. Living dead
> 30. Small crowd
> 29. Business ethics
> 28. Soft rock
> 27. Butt head
> 26. Military intelligence
> 25. Software documentation
> 24. New classic
> 23. Sweet sorrow
> 22. Child Proof
> 21. "Now, then ..."
> 20. Synthetic natural gas
> 19. Passive aggression
> 18. Taped live
> 17. Clearly misunderstood
> 16. Peace force
> 15. Extinct life
> 14. Temporary tax increase
> 13. Computer jock
> 12. Plastic glasses
> 11. Terribly pleased
> 10. Computer security
> 9. Political science
> 8. Tight slacks
> 7. Definite maybe
> 6. Pretty ugly
> 5. Twelve-ounce pound cake
> 4. Diet ice cream
> 3. Working vacation
> 2. Exact estimate
> ...And the number 1 oxymoron is..
> 1. Microsoft Works
>
>
R K Singh
Ranch Hand

Joined: Oct 15, 2001
Posts: 5371
In GEETA SAAR

Hey PARTH,
Increment nahin mila, bura hua
Salary cut ho raha hai, bura ho raha hai
Retrenchment hoga, wo bhi bura hi hoga...
Tum pichhla review na hone ka paschataap na karo
Tum agle review na hone ki chinta na karo
Recession chal raha hai...

Tumhare pocket se kya gaya jo tum rote ho ?
Tum company ke liye kya business laye the jo tumne kho diya ?
Tumne aisa kaun sa product banaya tha jo fail ho gaya ?

Tum koi experience le kar nahin aaye the...
Jo experience liya company se liya...
Jo project kiya company ke liye...
Degree le kar aaye, experience lekar chale jaoge...

Jo function aaj tumhara hai,
Wo kal kisi aur ka tha... parson kisi aur ka hoga...
Tum ise apna samajh kar kyon magan ho rahe ho

Hey Paarth, Yahi khushi tumhare tension ka kaaran hai...
Kyon wyarth tension lete ho, kis se wyarth darte ho
Kaun tumhein nikaal sakta hai ?

Policy change to company ka rule hai
Jise tum policy change kehte ho, woh to Management ki trick hai...
Ek pal mein tum Increment ke baare mein sochte ho
Doosre hi pal mein tum stipend par aa jate ho...

Review, increment etc. etc. sab mann se hataa do
Vichar se mita do, phir company tumhari hai, tum company ke ho...
Na yeh increment wagerah tumhare liye hain, na tum iske kabil ho,
Parantu job secure hai, aisa socho phir tumhein tension kyon hoga ?

Tum apne aap ko Company ko arpit kar do
Yahi sabse bada Golden Rule hai...
Jo is Golden Rule ko janta hai
Wo review, incentive, recession,retrenchment aadi bhramon se Sada sarvada muqt hai.

Chal UTH, Kaam Kar, Promotion Ki Chinta mat kar Parth..
Karm hi Tera Bhagya hai.....

- Bhagawan Shri Krishna
R K Singh
Ranch Hand

Joined: Oct 15, 2001
Posts: 5371
Read this true story and let everybody you know in and
around Bangalore especially Bannerghatta Road .....
My friend lives in Malleshwaram.One day he went to
Bannerghatta Road to visit his uncle for some days as
his parents had to attend a wedding in Coimbatore. One
evening he and some other of my college friends went
to Yellahanka for a movie. He had so much fun that he
forgot that it's very late. He caught the last local
bus to Bannerghatta Road. He reached Bannerghatta Road
around midnight ......
He had to walk about a mile from the bus stop to home
....
As he was walking alone, he could sense that the night
felt very creepy as dark. While walking, he was
astonished to see an old creepy looking guy selling
some books. It was a very unusual thing to see a thing
like that.....
He got the shivers on him when he noticed that this
old guy is unusually pale and staring at him...
The old guy said "Son why don't you get a book...it
would keep you company".
Then he did something which he would regret for the
rest of his life......
My friend started to act brave & thought why not & had
a look at his collections...
My friend's hair started to rise up as he noticed that
all the books were related to supernatural activities,
but he found one that was very interesting. So he
asked the old man "how much is it,uncle?"....
The old guy replied, "Well son...this is an
interesting book, it's only for Rs 250. My friend
was shocked and said "but...but...it's expensive" This
time the old man stared which freaked my friend. My
friend quickly checked all his pockets & found Rs. 200
& said "This is all I have."
The old guy replied "It's OK son ...you can have the
book for that price"
As my friend was just about to run for home... the old
man called back & said "Son ... whatever happen, you
don't ever flip the book to it's last page...
remember these words or you would regret...!!!" My
friend nodded and never looked back ...
Reaching home...he quickly asked his Uncle whether
there was any new old book ...we've heard that there's
1 old man who comes once in a while during full moon
nights but heard that there is something creepy about
it...why son?"
My friend freaked out... he told his uncle "nothing
uncle...just asking".
He started reading the book with the old man's words
on his mind. At night, 12 0'clock, as he went to bed,
a gush of wind blew which chilled him up to his bones.
At that glimpse, he noticed the wind had blown the
pages to its last page. He remembered what the old man
has said! But we humans tend to have the tendency to
know. Out of curiosity, he flipped to the last page &
fainted...
What he saw at the last page is stated below:










Original price:--Rs 20/- Promotion price:--Rs 10/-
Arjun Shastry
Ranch Hand

Joined: Mar 13, 2003
Posts: 1874
Ravish,Please go to Job Discussion forrum,Sonny is waiting for your suggestions.


MH
manasa teja
Ranch Hand

Joined: May 27, 2002
Posts: 325
Originally posted by R K Singh:



Original price:--Rs 20/- Promotion price:--Rs 10/-



excellent.. i was actually thinking abt some horror movie story..
good one!!


MT
sunitha reghu
Ranch Hand

Joined: Dec 12, 2002
Posts: 937
One night a guy took his girlfriend home. As they were about to wish
each other goodnight at the front door, the guy started feeling a

little in the mood.


With an air of confidence, he leaned with his hand against the wall and

smiling, he said to her "Honey, would you give me a kiss?"


Horrified, she replied, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"


" Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" He asked grinning at her.


"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"


"Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!" . "No way. It's just too risky!"


"Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?" . "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!" .


"Oh yes you can. Please?" .....................


"No, no. I just can't"
"I'm begging you ... "


Out of the blue, the light on the stairs went on, and the girl's older sister showed up in her pajamas, hair disheveled,

and in a sleepy voice she said, "Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss, or I can do it.

Or if need be, mom says she can come down herself and do it, but for God's sake and all of ours....




" TELL HIM TO TAKE HIS HAND OFF THE DOOR BELL ! ! "
Shalu Ban
Ranch Hand

Joined: Feb 18, 2003
Posts: 72
Its actually Intercom button i think. The guy had pressed it and everyone in the house cud hear what they were talking
Ashik Uzzaman
Ranch Hand

Joined: Jul 05, 2001
Posts: 2370

Would you like to be President of USA
History of Presidents Elected in years ending in Zero!
This is too weird!
Look what happens when a President gets elected in a year with a "0"
at the end.
1840: William Henry Harrison (died in office)
1860: Abraham Lincoln (assassinated)
1880: James A. Garfield (assassinated)
1900: William McKinley (assassinated)
1920: Warren G. Harding (died in office)
1940: Franklin D. Roosevelt (died in office)
1960: John F. Kennedy (assassinated)
1980: Ronald Reagan (survived assassination attempt)
2000: George W. Bush ???
And to think that we had two guys fighting it out in the courts to
be the one elected in 2000.
You might also be interested in this.
Have a history teacher explain this if they can.
Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head.
Now it gets really weird.
Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln.
Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.
Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.
Now hang on to your seat.
Lincoln was shot at the theater named "Ford."
Kennedy was shot in a car called "Lincoln" made by "Ford."
Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.
And here's the "kicker":
A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe
--- Ashik
How much I have to pay to get rid of the offer to become president of USA?
[ December 25, 2003: Message edited by: Ashik uzzaman ]

Ashik Uzzaman
Senior Member of Technical Staff, Salesforce.com, San Francisco, CA, USA.
 
wood burning stoves
 
subject: Only fun forwards for fun ...