The First Affair
>
> A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them > and they took off for her house, where they made
> passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted
> from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening
> around 8:00 p.m. As the man threw on his
> clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes
> outside and rub them through the
grass and
> dirt.
> Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped
> into his shoes and drove home.
>
> "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when
> he entered the house.
>
> "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having
> an affair with my secretary and we've been
> having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and
> didn't wake up until eight o'clock."
>
> The wife glanced down at his shoes and said,
> "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!".
>
> ---------------------------------------
>
> The Second Affair
>
> There was a middle-aged couple that had two
> stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. The
> couple decided to try one last time for the son
> they always wanted. After months of trying,
> the wife finally got pregnant and sure enough,
> delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later.
> The joyful father rushed into the nursery to
> see his new son.
>
> He took one look and was horrified to see the
> ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his
> wife and told her there was no way he could be
> the father of that child.
>
> "Look at the two beautiful daughters I
> fathered!"
> Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have
> you been fooling around on me?"
>
> The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not
> this time!"
>
> ----------------------------------
>
> The Third Affair
>
> A mortician was working late one night. It was
> his job to examine the dead bodies before they
> were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he
> examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who
> was about to be cremated, he made an amazing
> discovery. Schwartz had the longest private
> part
> he had ever seen!
>
> "I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz", said the mortician,?
> but I can't send you off to be cremated with a
> tremendously huge private part like this. It
> has to be saved for posterity."
>
> With that, the coroner used his tools to remove
> the dead man's scaling. He stuffed his prize
> into a briefcase and took it home. The first
> person he showed it to was his wife.
>
> "I have something to show you that you won't
> believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase.
>
> "Oh my God!" the wife screamed, "Schwartz is
> dead!"
>
> -----------------------------------
>
> The Fourth Affair
>
> A woman was in bed with her lover when she
> heard her husband opening the front door.
> "Hurry,"
> she said, "stand in the corner." Then she
> quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then
> dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move
> until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just
> pretend
> you're a statue."
>
> "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as
> he entered the room.
>
> "Oh, it's a statue," she replied nonchalantly.
> "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I
> liked it so much, I got one for us too."
>
> No more was said about the statue, not even
> later when they went to sleep. Around two in
> the
> morning, the husband got out of bed, went to
> the kitchen and returned a while later with
> a sandwich and a glass of milk.
>
> "Here," he said to the statue, "eat something.
> I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three
> days and nobody offered me as much as a glass
> of water."
>
> -----------------------------------
>
> The Fifth Affair
>
> A man walks into a night club one night. He
> goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.
> "Certainly, Sir, that'll be 1 pence."
> "One pence?", exclaimed the man.
> The bartender replied, "Yes."
> So the man glances over at the menu and asks,
> Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with
> chips, peas and a fried egg?"
> "Certainly Sir," replies the barman, "but that
> comes to real money."
> "How much money?" inquires the man.
> "4 pence," the bartender replied.
> "Four pence?", exclaimed the man. "Where's the
> guy who owns this place?"
> The bartender replies "He's upstairs with my
> wife!"
> The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with
> your wife?"
> The bartender replied, "The same thing as I'm
> doing to his business."
>
>
---------------------------------------------------------------
>
> The Sixth Affair
>
> Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was
> maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side.
> She held
> his fragile hand, tears running down her face.
> Her praying roused him from his slumber. He
> looked up and his pale lips began to move
> slightly.
>
> "Becky my darling," he whispered.
> "Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."
> He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired
> voice, "I have something that I must confess."
>
> "There's nothing to confess," replied the
> weeping Becky, "everything's all right, go to
> sleep."
>
> "No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I .... I
> slept with your sister, your best friend, her
> best friend and your mother!"
>
> "I know, my sweet one" whispered Becky,
> "that's why I poisoned you."
==================================
James Bond Style : The character James Bond has a peculiar style of introducing himself by calling first Bond, then followed by great smile & finally James Bond. His style is absolutely killing but he doesn't
know the consequences when he meets our great South Indian guy. When Bond meets a Hyderabad guy......
James Bond: "My name's Bond...(smiles and then says).... James Bond."
James Bond: And you?
Telugu Guy : I am Sai...
Venkata Sai...
Siva Venkata Sai.
Laxminarayana Siva Venkata Sai....
Srinivasulu Laxminarayana Siva Venkata Sai.
Rajasekhara Srinivasulu Laxminarayana Siva Venkata Sai.....
Sitaramanjaneyulu Rajasekhara Srinivasulu Laxminarayana Siva Venkata Sai....
Bommiraju Sitaramanjaneyulu Rajasekhara Srinivasulu Laxminarayana Siva Venkata Sai.....
and James Bond faints!!!
==================================
ADULT PUNS
Why don't Episcopalians play chess?
Because they have trouble telling the difference between a bishop and
a queen.
________________________________
A gentleman staying at the Ritz Hotel in London removes a card offering
sexual services from a telephone box on Piccadilly. Back at the hotel
he rings the number. A lady with a silky soft voice answers and asks if she can be of assistance. The gentleman says, "I'd like a blow job, some missionary work, a little doggie-style, some mild bondage, finishing off with a pearl necklace. What do you think?" The lady says, "I think it sounds intriguing, sir, but you might like to press 9 first to get an outside line.
________________________________
It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused
the trouble in the garden.
________________________________
A streetwalker was visiting her doctor for a regular checkup. "Any
specific problems
you should tell me about?" the doctor asked. "Well, I
have noticed lately that if I get even the tiniest cut, it seems to
bleed for hours," she replied. "Do you think I might be a hemophiliac?"
"Well," the doctor answered, "hemophilia is a genetic disorder and it is more often found in men, but it is possible for a woman to be a
hemophiliac.
Tell me, how much you lose when you have your period?" After
calculating for a moment the hooker replied, "Oh, about seven or eight hundred dollars, I guess."
________________________________
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong"
________________________________
There was a black guy, a white guy, and a chinese guy. They all had
been in the bar before and saw this gorgeous woman. Well they made a bet to see who could make the woman scream. The black guy goes in a comes out and the women is laughing, ?nd then the white guys goes in, well after he comes out she is laughing even harder. The chinese guy goes in and after a few minutes she is screaming bloody murder. Then he comes out, and the other two guys said how did you do that, and the chinese guy goes "Me play trick, me put hot sauce on my dick!"
________________________________
What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman?
Sexual harassment.
What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?
$3.99 a minute.
________________________________
During his monthly visit to the corner barbershop, this fellow asked
his barber for any suggestions on how to treat his increasing baldness.
After a brief pause, the barber leaned over and confided that the best thing he'd come across was, er, female juices. "But you're balder than I am," protested the customer.?True," admitted the barber, "but you've gotta admit I've got one hell of a moustache!"
________________________________
"Say when," said the fellow as he poured out her drink. "Right after
the next drink," she replied.
________________________________
Michael Jackson asks Woody Allen "do you have two fives for a ten?"
________________________________
A man thinks with his dick, a woman dicks with his thinking.
________________________________
A couple had been split up for about six months, but still remained
good friends. This worked out pretty good since they lived in the same
apartment building. One day the man slipped on the ice and broke his
arm.
He met his ex-wife in the elevator and she asked if there was anything
she could do to help. He said, "Well, if it's not too much trouble, could you help me take a bath?" She readily agreed and soon was washing him when she saw a gradual erection begin to appear. "Now isn't that sweet," she cooed.
"Look John, it still recognizes me."
________________________________
Virginity can be cured.
________________________________
A guy goes to a single's bar to find a bedmate for the night. He sits
at the bar and has a couple of drinks while surveying his possibilities.
He finally decides on a cute redhead that seems to be having a great time dancing with different guys. So he has another quick drink while
waiting for the music to stop, making sure he is positioned to ask her for the next dance. He gets it, but after gyrating madly on the dance floor with the gal, after the dance he feels a bit woozy from the drinks he'd had.
"How many drinks does it take to make you dizzy?" he asks the perky
redhead. "Oh, four or five." she answers, adding "And don't call me
Dizzy."
________________________________
What do you get if your donkey bites the legs off of my rooster?
Two feet of my cock in your ass.
________________________________
A Blond Hollywood girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter. "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress." she says. "Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear. "No" she replies. "This time it's mayonnaise."
________________________________
Why are hurricanes normally named after women ?
When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take
your house and car with them.
________________________________
Michael Jackson has checked into the Betty Ford Rehab center to cure
him of his 12 year old crack habit.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world. Those that want to get
ahead, and those that just want to get head.
________________________________
The only thing about sex outside marriage that is missing in marriage
is the hot throb of boiling blood, the desperate rip of impeding cloth, the quivering, trembling, panting, sweaty, drooling, dirty, groping and writhing of 2 animals in fever-pitch, passionate abandon. That is good too, but nobody, who is not in on it, is glad you're happy.
________________________________
What is it about submarines that women love so much?
The concept of a long, hard cylinder filled with seamen.
________________________________
Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.
________________________________
A waitress walks up to a table where three Japanese men are seated.
When she gets to the table, the waitress notices that the three men are
furiously masturbating. She asks, "What the hell are you three perverts
doing?"
One man replies, "We all very hungry!" She answers, "But why
are you jerking off?" Another man answers, "Because menu say" 'First Come, First Served!'"
________________________________
Did you hear about the three gay men who attacked a woman?
Two held her down while the third did her hair...!
________________________________
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
________________________________
I really do appreciate my new negligee, darling, but I know that later
you'll just want to try to talk me out of it.
________________________________
What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
One US leader.
________________________________
Muttering a few words The guy considered himself lucky to have been
able to attract and bed such a luscious looking dish. He was even
considering trying to establish a relationship instead of just a one night stand.
But he couldn't help but wonder why she wasn't already in one. "I can't help feeling that we've met before." he said. "Yeah, I know." sighed the girl stretching. "It happens to me a lot. I think they call this 'deja screw'."
________________________________
What is the difference between excess and surplus?
Excess is the part of breast that does not fit in your mouth and
surplus is the other breast.
________________________________
There was a plain, skinny spinster with a speech impediment. She longed
for a man, and used to comfort herself by reading 'respectable' erotic
stories, namely the adventures of great classical gods. This only made
her worse, but one night a strange thing happened. She dreamed that a big blond naked man came to her bed, ripped off her long nightgown, and made passionate love to her again and again. In the morning, as he was about to leave through the window, she begged him to stay. "I must return to Valhalla," he boomed, "I'm Thor." "Tho am I, but wathn't it marvellouth!"
________________________________
What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
You can unscrew a light bulb.
________________________________
What are three words you dread the most while making love?
"Honey, I'm home."
________________________________
"Are you and Larry serious?" the one girl asked her friend while they
were talking over cocktails.
"We're still a little short of a meeting of the minds." she replied. "I want a big, old-fashioned June wedding, and he wants a quickie in the back seat."
________________________________
Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.
________________________________
The difference between war and peace is there never has been a good
war.
________________________________
A truck driver was pulled over by a Highway Cap. The patrolman told him to get out of the truck, and noticed that the driver appeared to be putting something in his mouth as he stepped out of the cab. Figuring that the driver was putting away his pep pills, the patrolman asked "Did I just see you swallow something?"
"Yep, that was my birth control pill." said the driver. "Birth control pill?" asked the patrolman. "Yep, when I saw your light, I knew I was fucked."
________________________________
What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.
________________________________
A certain young lady was invited up to her boy friend's apartment the
other evening to look at his etchings. When they arrived at his
apartment, she was surprised to find no etchings at all. In fact, to her amazement, she discovered he had no chairs, no tables, no furniture, at all. She was floored.
________________________________
Why did God give men penises ?
So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
________________________________
===============================
Pony: What a Southerner says of his injured leg joint (Cynthia
MacGregor)
California Condor: Main gate at San Quentin. (Ken Pinkham)
Lambaste: Periodically pouring gravy over a leg of lamb to keep it
moist.
(Stan Kegel)
Nobility: Lacking the required skills. (Jason Dias)
Pun: Two disparate strings of thought tied together by an acoustic
knot.
(Arthur Koester)
Preceding: the period of time before Hong-Kong's lease expired. (Jason
Dias)
Labrador: The entrance into the laboratory (Cynthia MacGregor)
Earwig: Fur cap extensions to keep your ears warm on cold nights (Stan
Kegel)
Embracable Ewe: Sheep herders love song. (Ken Pinkham)
Pelican: Regarding the abilities of a former star soccer player
(Cynthia MacGregor)
Insect: A popular new religious group (Stan Kegel)
Primate: What mamas hope their daughters find. (Ken Pinkham)
Liposuction: Letting the fat out of the bag. (M. Rose Pierce)
Goulash: Messy Mascara (Brandy Brandon)
Gossip: One who woulkd rather listen to dirt than sweep it. (Leopold
Fetchner)
Purpose: Somethoing a photographer has to put up with (Douglas Drill)
Ransom: Jogged a little (Rosalie Moscovitch)
Rooster: To regret swishing your
spoon through the ingredients in the
pot
(Cynthia MacGregor)
Donkey: What you need to get into the Godfather's house. (Stan Kegel)
Expired: a church after an earthquake. (Jason Dias)
Bobby Sox: Blows by a British policeman (Rosalie Moscovitch)
Incite: The place to build a hotel (Douglas Drill)
Hollandaise: Tuesday and Wednesday on the ten-day tour of Europe
(Cynthia MacGregor)
Dissenter: The tallest man on the basketball team (Stan Kegel)
Prophesy: University lecturer on a cruise ship (Rosalie Moscovitch)
Recoup: Overthrow the government a second time. (Jason Dias)
Sherbet: A wager which has no chance of losing (Doug Ditch)
Fundamentalism: To support a medium. (Gary Hallock)
Firm Belief: Faith in your company (Joseph Leff)
Bible: What an Amish farmer must do to increase his herd. (Trevor
Mytton)
Carmelite: Low-fat version of ice cream sundae with blonde topping
(Cynthia MacGregor)
Curtail: The part of the dog that wags (Rosalie Moscovitch)
Dark Ages: Knight time (Stan Kegel)
Latest: A French exam (Douglas Drill)
Disengage: Give back the ring (Brandy Brandon)
Orgy: A swap meat (M. Rose Pierce)
Tantrum: A percussion instrument the color of sun-exposed skin.
(Cynthia MacGregor)
Paradox: You somehow intuitively know the name of everyone in the world
who
is psychic, and you are not on the list. (Mike Bass)
Curate: Measure of chances of your doctor making you well (Stan Kegel)
Artifacts: Trivia about Picasso (Soupy Sales)
Banquet: When it rained on the Savings and Loan. (Rosalie Moscovitch)
Cornet: How farmers catch falling corn (Douglas Drill)
Wine: Asking the reason for something (Cynthia MacGregor)
Microbe: Gown worn by TV and Radio evangelists (Stan Kegel)
Kiwi: Used to open tiny luggage locks (Rosalie Mocovitch)
Incite: Still visable (Brandy Brandon)
Somersault: Seasoning used in July and August (Douglas Drill)
VERBAL ABUSE
Iraq: Iran is a country between IRAQ and a hard place. (Richard
Lederer)
Parasite: Did you prePARASITE for the tent? (Stan Kegel)
Moisturizer: I know you're sad; look how MOISTURIZER. (Jason Dias)
Habitat: The naked Mother Superior looked around her tiny room
frantically
and muttered "Where's my HABITAT?" (Cynthia MacGregor)
Heron: "It must be hereditary. I'm losing every HERON my head." (Stan
Kegel)
Often: Eight out OFTEN dentists agree... (Jason Dias)
Portrait: Stuttering is a PORTRAIT for a newscaster. (Stan Kegel)
Screen Din: When the installers are making a racket putting up the
stuff
that keeps out the mosquitoes on your terrace, it's a SCREEN DIN porch.
(Cynthia MacGregor)
Scripture: Is this the SCRIPTURE grandfather is buried in? (Douglas
Drill)
Lettuce: This New Year's eve LETTUCE celebrate together. (Stan Kegel)
Impotent: It is his immence power rather than his wealth that makes
IMPOTENT as an enemy (Douglas Drill)
Ferris Wheel: He's as FERRIS WHEEL get any judge to be. (Cynthia
MacGregor)
Condor: "I CONDOR into staying all night with me." (Stan Kegel)
Sandwich: Junior doesn't need a sand box. He can play in that SANDWICH
the
construction crew dumped in the backyard. (Doug Ditch)
Ejaculate: The boss said, "EJACULATE again, can't you ever be on time?"
(Ken Pinkham)
Exercise: You should see how large that hen is. I've never seen a bird
lay
EXERCISE. (Gary Hallock)
Decibel: If Desi had taken Lucy's name instead of the other way around,
he'd have been DECIBEL (Bob Dvorak) That HERTZ. (Stan Kegel)
Liquor: Each time she pet the dog, he would LIQUOR. (Stan Kegel)
Tzar: Excuse me, but those TZAR our seats you are sitting in." (Douglas
Drill)
Cowhide and Avoidable: "Did you see that COWHIDE to AVOIDABLE?" (Stan
Kegel)
Giggle: Never mind the long boat, sailor, the captain's GIGGLE do
(Douglas Drill)
Refuge: If you hadn't hollered at the REFUGE still be in the game.
(Douglas Drill)
Parasynthesis: The minister condemning sex and alcohol said, "What a
PARASYNTHESIS!" (Stan Kegel)
TOM SWIFTIES
"I don't think it is possible to know the mind of god," said Agnes
stoically. (Jason Dias)
"I loved drives through the country before all these signs came up,"
said
Bill bored. (Gunjan Saraf)
"I think I'll publish this Tom Sawyer book under a pseudonym," remarked
Wayne. (Gary Hallack)
"Somebody just broke my percussion instrument, " Tim bawled. (Gunjan
Saraf)
"But I can always do well with you as my partner," said Amy ably. (Bob
Dvorak)
"I dislike the whole of Greece," said Tom discretely. (Jason Dias)
"I'm going to just forge ahead," said Beau, "regardless of what I may
lose." (Bob Dvorak)
"We don't need a machine to do that," said Arti sans hesitation..
(Gunjan Saraf)
"I assisted the dressmaker today," said Tom formally. (Jason Dias)
"I don't know what (b2 - 4ac) equals and I don't care!" said Tom
indiscriminately. (Clinton Rogers)
"I love hot dogs," said Tom with relish. (Asa Sparks)
"I foresee things getting better," said Claire buoyantly. (Bob Dvorak)
"I helped reattach that man's organ," Tom remembered. (Jason Dias)
"I don't think the animal rights people have it quite right," Tom
inferred.
(Jason Dias)
"Have you ever been abducted by aliens?" Tom probed. (Jason Dias)
"I can't think of any more poetry," she said adversely. (Paul Dickson)
"There's a fee for crossing this bridge," Tom told us. "No, there's not
any
more," his supervisor extolled. (Gary Hallock)
"Why shouldn't I stir my yoghurt with a ball-point pen?" Tom bickered.
(Gill Krebs)
"My swimming coach made me cut my hair very short," Cathy cried very
distressed. (Stan Kegel)
MONDEGREENS
Will you need me, will you still feed me, when I'm six feet four? (...
when
I'm sixty-four) The Beatles "When I'm Sixty-Four" (Gavin Edwards)
There's a bathroom on the right. ( There's a bad moon on the rise) .The
Credence Clearwater Revival "There's a bad moon a risin'": (Jason Dias)
It's a hard egg (It's a heartache) Bonnie Taylor "It's a Heartache"
(Gavin Edwards)
You need Kool-Aid, baby I'm not foolin' (You need coolin', baby I'm not
foolin') Led Zeppelin "Whole Lotta Love" (Gavin Edwards)
Clown Control to Mao Tse-Tung (Ground control to Major Tom) David Bowie
"Space Oddity" (Gavin Edwards)
I want to rock 'n roll all night, and part of every day (I want to rock
'n
roll all night, and party every day) Kiss "Rock and Roll All Nite"
(Gavin Edwards)
CHIASMS
A long life is not good enough, but a good life is long enough. (Esther
Jungreis)
As I feasted at our company end-of-year dinner, I reflected on my
underpowered computer, noting that for dinner I was having rack of
lamb,
but at work I had a lack of RAM. (Mark Wadsworth)
It is better to be looked over than overlooked. (Archives)
QUOTES & BLOOPERS
"A nickel ain't worth a dime any more." (Yogi Berra)
"Predictions are difficult, especially about the future." (Yogi Berra)
"I really didn't say everything I said." (Yogi Berra)
"It's like deja vu all over again." (Yogi Berra)
"Always go to other peoples' funerals, otherwise they won't go to
yours."
(Yogi Berra)
He lives under a consumed name. (Syman Hirsch)
The residents were evaporated from the flood area. (Syman Hirsch)
A major problem in America is jubuilat delinquency. (Syman Hirsch)
Housework is so monogamous. (Syman Hirsch)
I've got to get the shock observers fixed. (Syman Hirsch)
Our mayor is a very extinguished man. (Syman Hirsch)
The accused man was arranged in court. (Syman Hirsch)
Quote from coroner's office re efforts to identify the person whose leg
washed ashore in Boluga Bay: "We were stumped, basically" (Nan Bell &
Elizabeth Lindsay/Dave Barry)
New Orleans Times-Piocayune article re a breakout at an animal research
facility: "Tulane Center monkeys escape. Half are captured in time for
dinner." (Roy Winter/Dave Barry)
Tip for Visitors : Avoid the traffic by using one of the park's shuttle
buses and view the elk rut with a park ranger (Dave Barry)
OTHERS
Dad's waistline = Father figure (Phillip W. Gilman)
Game for chubby birds = Round robin (Phillip W. Gilman)
Quick kill for a stag = Fast buck (Phillip W. Gilman)
Athletic girls' blouses = Broad jumpers (Phillip W. Gilman)
Make kindling for Chinese take-out = Chopsticks (Phillip W. Gilman)
Erotic Italian spasm = Romantic (Phillip W. Gilman)
Movie: The French-Fries Connection: Drug dealers use MacDonald?s to
distribute their products (Stan Kegel)
Movie: With Sex You Get Eggroll: A prostitute uses a takeout Chinese
Restaurant to offer her noontime services (Stan Kegel)
Movie: The Six Cents : Three Little League mothers each put their "two
cents" in telling the coaches how to play their children. (Stan Kegel)
Movie: The Umpire Strikes Out: A baseball umpire scores a perfect game
in
his bowling league (Stan Kegel)
Movie: Die Hard : A high draft pick is found dead after taking an
overdose
of Viagra. (Stan Kegel)
"I'm sorry tell you this Mr. Charles but you've developed a heart
condition. You've got arhythmia'n'blues." (Gary Hallock)
It's absolutely normal Mr. Lindbergh to have a little weakness after a
flew. (Gunjan Saraf)
The chimney sweep had the flue. (Jason Dias)
Well Moe, you've got to stop hitting those other stooges over the head.
You've got a busted cap'o'Larry. (Gary Hallock)
Mr. Einstein you seem to be inflicted by deeptheoryia ! (Gunjan Saraf)
Daffy, I can see your pants are down, but the real problem is your
chapped
lips. I can give you some medication for that. Shall I put it on your
bill?
(Gary Hallock)
Mr. Schulz, it's very unusual for a cartoonist to loose his voice, but
it
appears you've got a Charlie hoarse. (Gary Hallock)
Seen in a Farm Equipment sales office: The only machine we don't stand
behind is our manure spreader. (Sydes)
If Carmen McRae married and divorced Pierre Trudeau and married Rob
Roy,
she'd become Carmen Trudeau Roy. (Alvin Hattal)
A girl named Dory wanted to marry William Meadow so she could change
her
name to do re mi do. (Izzy Cohen)
There is a shoe store nearby run by a family named Talia. The problem
is
that their son wanted to marry a girl named Gena. (Stu Boyton)
What Do You Get When You Cross A Pigeon With An Army General? A
Military
Coo. (Sydes)
Headline: GAY BROTHEL HIRES HIMALAYAN MAN (Stephen Kramer)
Assertiveness Training Coach: Lois Steem (Lady Brie)
Chief of Tire Technology: Yessir Itsaflat (Lady Brie)
Customer Care Representative: Kurt Reply (Lady Brie)
Chief Justice: Judge Mental (Lady Brie)
Chief of Tire Technology: Yessir Itsaflat (Lady Brie)
Director of Purchasing: Lois Bidder (Lady Brie)
"Waiter, this sausage has meat at one end and bread at the other."
"Well,
sir, you know how hard it is to make both ends meet these days." (Paul
Dickson)
"Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!" "That's strange. What kind of soup
is
it?" (Paul Dickson)
"Hey, waiter, you've got your thumb in my bowl of soup!" "Don't worry,
sir,
the soup isn't hot." (Paul Dickson)
"Waiter, what's that in my soup?" "I'd better call the manager, sir, I
can't tell one insect from another." (Paul Dickson)
'Waiter, there's a hair in my soup." "That's not soup, it's rabbit
stew!
(Norman Gilbert)
"Waiter, what is this fly doing in my alphabet soup?" "Learning to
read?"
(Paul Dickson)
"Waiter, what is this fly doing in my alphabet soup?" "Learning to
read?"
(Paul Dickson)
"Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!" "Just wait until you see the main
course." (Paul Dickson)
=================================
"Sex is a drag! All I worry about is getting pregnant."
"I thought your husband had a vasectomy."
"He did! That's why I'm so worried."
__________________
"I'd like to buy some gloves for my wife," the young man said, eyeing
the attractive salesgirl, "but I don't know her size."
"Will this help?" she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his.
"Oh, yes," he answered. "Her hands are just slightly smaller that
yours."
"Will there be anything else?" the salesgirl queried as she wrapped
the gloves.
"Now that you mention it," he replied, "she also needs a bra and
panties."
__________________
Opposed to gay sex?
Remember what happened to *your* sex life after you were married?
__________________
A middle-aged woman was standing in front of her mirror admiring her
clothing. "Look, dear," she said to her husband, "I can still get into
the same skirts I had before I got married."
"Yeah," he snorted, "I wish I could say the same."
__________________
You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.
__________________
Researchers investigating the remarkably well-preserved 5,200-year-old
frozen body of an Alpine hunter found traces of semen in the pubic
area.
The iceman cometh!
__________________
Since the wife is eight months into her pregnancy, the husband has to
sleep on the floor to avoid any regrettable mistake, which might happen
pretty easily, for he has been desperate for quite a while now...
Just before lying down on the bed, she glances at him and sees the
poor guy curled up on the floor, eyes stare widely into the empty air,
filled with hopeless desire...
Feeling sorry for her husband, she opens the top drawer of the
cabinet, takes out a fifty dollar bill, and gives it to him: "Awww, my honey is so depressed... here, take this and go to the woman next door, she will let you sleep with her tonight... and remember that this happens only once... ok?... don't think about it again."
The husband rolls his eyes in disbelief, but afraid that she may
change her mind, he grabs the money and leaves quickly.
A few minutes later, he returns, hands the bill back to the wife and
says with much disappointment: "She said this is not enough, she wants
sixty..."
The wife's face slowly turns red with anger: "Damn that bitch... when
she was pregnant and her husband came over here... I only charged him
fifty!"
__________________
Two girls were comparing their experiences at the company's annual
Christmas party. "Did you get laid, Sherry ?"
"Twice."
"Only twice?"
"Yeah, once by the band and once by the accounting department!"
__________________
Sex is dirty only if it's done right.
__________________
A gay man is in a bar, on all fours, trying to pick up some money he
dropped.
A big bouncer says, "Hey, you! Move it or I'll give you a foot up the
ass!"
The gay man looks around and says, "I think you're bragging, but I'm game if you are."
__________________
Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get
or how long it is going to last.
__________________
Why is there no Disneyland in Japan?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides
__________________
"First," said the playboy, "I'm going to buy you a few drinks and get
you a bit loose."
"Oh no you're not," said the girl.
"Then I'll take you to dinner and ply you with a few more drinks."
"Oh no you're not."
"Then I'll take you to my place and keep serving you drinks."
"Oh no you're not."
"Then I'm going to make violent, passionate love to you."
"Oh no you're not."
"And I'm not going to wear a condom either!" said the guy.
"Oh yes you are!" said the girl.
__________________
Bill and Harry are bragging about how clever their dogs are.
"This'll clinch it" says Bill, and gives his dog a $10 bill, "Go off and buy me a newspaper".
The dog trots of obediently - but an hour later he's still not back.
Bill and Harry set off to look for the dog - and find him in the nearest alleygiving a very serious Humping to a pretty french poodle.
"Rover" says Bill, "why didn't you come back to me like before ?"
Rover looks up and says "Never had this much money before..."
__________________
Mike finally comes out of the closet and admits to Ron that he is gay.
Ron says, "You're a homosexual?? Are you seeing a psychiatrist?"
"No," Mike said, "I'm seeing a lieutenant in the army."
__________________
What did the egg say to the boiling water?
"How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago."
__________________
Why were Paris Hilton's parents so upset when they saw her sex video?
The towels in the backgroung said, "Econo Lodge"
__________________
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any
__________________
A knockout blonde with a fine set of knockers complains to the doctor,
"I believe I am losing my mind. I can't remember ANYTHING after five minutes!"
The doctor answers, in his most comforting tone, "Just take off all
your clothes, miss, and lie down..."
__________________
Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
__________________
A Palestinian suspect was being grilled by Israeli police.
"Honest, I'm not a suicide bomber," he said. "I didn't say I wanted to blow myself up so I could sleep with 72 virgins. All I said was I'm dying to get laid."
__________________
What do a blonde and a Harley have in common?
It takes ten to fifteen minutes of messing with them to good ride, and when you stand them up, they leak.
__________________
A wife comes home unexpectedly one day and finds her husband in bed
with a lady midget.
Upset and furious over his actions, the woman screams, "You promised me two weeks ago that you would never cheat on me again!"
Trying his best to calm her down, the husband turns to his wife and says, "Take it easy Dear, Can't you see I'm trying to taper off?"
__________________
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.
==============================================
Some guys are really intelligent than us???
THE THERMODYNAMICS OF HELL
The following is an actual question given on University of Washington
chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the
professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet which is of course
why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs
heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas
cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some
variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
"First. We need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we
need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are
leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell,
it will not leave. Therefore no souls are leaving. As for how many souls
are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the
world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of
their religion you will go to Hell.
Since there is more than one of these religions and since
people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all
souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number
of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because
Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in
Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as
souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1) If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which
souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will
increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2) If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of
souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell
freezes over?
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year.
“. that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and
take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having an
affair with her. Then #2 above cannot be true, and thus
I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze over."
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"
===================================
Things I hate about everybody.... Billy Conolly - His own Words!!
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....I
know where my watch is pal, where the f*ck is yours? Do I point at
my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2. People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire
room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and
change the channel manually.
3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it
too". F*cking right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?
4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it
is. Why the f*ck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do
people do this? Who and where are they?
5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No
tosser, I paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the f*cking
floor.
6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give me
a choice there, did you sunshine?
7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new,
then there has never been anything before it. If it's an
improvement, then there must have been something before it.
8. When people say "life is short". What the f*ck?? Life is the
longest damn thing anyone ever f*cking does!! What can you do that's
longer?
9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus
come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, Knobhead?
10. People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'.
So what did they used to be? ears, Wellington boots?
11. When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No
it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.
12. People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's
an image I really didn't need.
13. McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you
insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering.....It's has to be a
McChicken Burger, just a
Chicken Burger get blank
looks...........Well
I'll have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you f*cking McTosser.
14. When you involved in a accident and someone asks 'are you
alright? Yes, fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off.
==============================
If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of
boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost
instantly removed.
Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone
else to hold them while you chop away.
High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while,
thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be
afraid to cough.
Have a bad toothache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will forget
about the toothache.
====================================
A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout-looking
hooker
catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the
hooker, "How much do you charge?"
Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job."
Guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Jesus Christ! No hand-job is
worth that kind of money!"
The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"
"Yes."
Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"
"Yes."
"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"
"Yes."
"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, I own
them
because I give a hand-job that's worth $500."
Guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try."
They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting
on
the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime,
worth
every bit of $P0.
He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?"
The hooker replies, "$1,500."
"I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"
The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see
that
casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own
it
because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500."
The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to
put
off the new car for another year or so, and says, "Sign me up."
Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He
can
scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He
decides
to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable
experience.
He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?"
The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you
something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out
before
us,
all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?"
"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"
"No," the hooker replies, "but I would if I had a pussy."
=============================