This week's book giveaway is in the OCAJP 8 forum. We're giving away four copies of OCA Java SE 8 Programmer I Study Guide and have Edward Finegan & Robert Liguori on-line! See this thread for details.
Once a young Brahmin went to the house of a very respectable old >>Brahmin >to >>ask for his young daughters hand. >> >>"My dear Sir", he goes "I have heard that your daughter has all >>the good >>qualities of a Bahu"? >> >>The old brahmin answered "Yes! More that that, she is SoundaryaVati >>and >>Padma Vati" >> >>" But can she cook and keep house ? " Asked the young man. >> >>"Oh yes, she is Dharma Vati" answered the old man. >> >>"Can she sew"? asked the young man. >> >>"Oh yes yes, she can not only sew, but she is KalaVati " answered >>the >old man. >> >>"What about her education"? >> >>Asked the young man "She is Vidya Vati" answered the old man. >> >>And the Vedas"? Asked the young man. >> >>"Oh yes yes , she is Veda Vati" answered the old man. >> >>The young man is very happy to find the perfect bride and gets >>married to >her. >> >>Two days later he comes back with his newly married bride in tow. >> >>The old Brahmin is surprised. >> >>He asks "What happened son"? Why do you look so upset? >> >>The young man says "Well sir you told me that your daughter is >>SoundaryaVati, PadmaVati, DharmaVati, Kala Vati, VidyaVati and >>VedaVati. >> >>But you did'nt tell me that she is "Garbha-Vati" also !!
Masterji was taking a class of standard VI in the village school. He had reached the chapter of Krishna Janma.
"Kansa", he said, " was a tyrant. So he was warned by the Gods of Indralok that that the eighth son of Devaki, his sister, will bring about his death!! Kansa was so infuriated by this, that he immediately had Vasudev and Devaki put into a cell in his dungeon. After a year, Devaki gave birth to a son. Kamsa had the infant killed with poison. The other sons of Devaki also followed the same fate". At this point, Raju, the brightest student of the class, raises his hand. Masterji is surprised at the interruption. "Beta Raju", he said, " the whole world has no doubts about the Mahabharat. What possible doubt could you have???" Raju replies," Masterji, if Kansa knew that Devaki's eighth son would kill him, why did he put her and Vasudev in the same cell???"
The wife is busy frying eggs, when her husband comes home. He walks into the kitchen and immediately starts yelling: "CAREFUL!!! CAREFUL!!! MORE OIL!!! TURN THEM!!! TURN THEM NOW!!! WE NEED MORE OIL!!! THEY ARE GOING TO STICK!!! CAREFUL!!! CAREFUL!!! TURN THEM!!! TURN THEM!!! HURRY UP!!! ARE YOU CRAZY!!! THE OIL IS GOING TO SPILL!!! USE MORE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!" The wife is very upset: "What the hell is wrong with you? Why are you yelling like this? Do you think I don't know how to fry an egg?"
The husband calmly replies: "This is to show you what it feels like, when I am driving and you sit next to me..."
Thoughts of a man > > > Thought 1: > When we are born, our mother's get the compliments and the > flowers. When we are married, our brides get the presents and the > publicity. When we die, our widows get the life insurance. What do women want > to be liberated from?
> > Thought 2: > The average man's life consists of -Twenty years of having > his mother > ask him where he is going; > Forty years of having his wife ask the same question; > And at the end, the mourners wondering too. > > > Thought 3: > A Man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from > behind: u take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head > and kill you." > The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of > him. The man > was astonished. He went on, and after a while he was going > to cross the > road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If > you take one > more step a car will run over you, and you will die." The > man did as he > was instructed, just as a car came careening around the > corner, barely > missing him. "Where are > you?" the man asked. "Who are you?" "I am your guardian > angel," the > voice answered. "Oh, yeah?" the man asked. "And where the > hell were you > when I got married?" >
> Statutory Warning : I am not responsible for the frustration and resulting > damage of property (personal , public) caused by you after reading the > following matter. The following situations are dangerous for ur health , I > urge you not to attempt to duplicate any of them J > > . > > > . > > > . > > > . > > > . > > > . > Question: You are in a boat in the middle of a river. you have 2 cigarettes > and have to light any one cigarette. you don't have anything else with you > in the boat? How will you do it? > . > > > . > > > . > > > . > > > . > > > . > > > . > > > . > > > . > > > . > > > . > > > . > > > . > > > . > > > . > > > . > > > . Give up...??? > Go further down...and get ready to be PJed...:-) > > > . > > > . > > > . > > > . > > > . > > > . > > > . > > > . > > > . > > > . > > > . > > > . > > > . > > > . > > > . > > > . > > ---------------------------------------- > > Answer: Take one cigarette and throw it in the water. so the boat will > become LIGHTER........using this LIGHTER you can light the other cigarette. > ---------------------------------------- > > Another solution: You throw a cigarette up and catch it. Catches win > Matches. Using these matches, you can light the cigarette.... > ---------------------------------------- > > Take water in your hand and drop it drop by drop...(TIP - TIP) "TIP TIP > barsa Pani. Pani ne aag lagayee." us aag se hamne cigarette jalayee. > ---------------------------------------- > > If the first solution is not working...you jump into the water...The boat > now definitely becomes LIGHTER...and then you know what to do... > ---------------------------------------- > > Otherwise take the boat at the end of the tunnel, u can catch the light > there..... > ---------------------------------------- > > another solution..u have 2 cig.. just look at one and tell other one " the > former looks better"... us cig ko jalan hogi aur wo jal jaayegi... (Now you > know Cig are feminine, isliye cig "jalati" hai, "jalataa" nahi!!) > ---------------------------------------- > > EK CIG PER DAAG LAGA DO AS PER SANJAY DUTT'S MOVIE........DAAG THE FIRE > therefore DAAG = FIRE; REST U KNOW WUT TO DO > ---------------------------------------- > > >
> Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. > They determined to > make this a real vacation by not wearing anything > that would identify > them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they > headed for a > store and bought some really outrageous shorts, > shirts, sandals, > sunglasses, etc. > > The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in > their "tourist" > garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a > drink, the sunshine > and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" blonde > in tiny bikini came > walking straight towards them. They couldn't help > but stare. As the > blonde passed them, she smiled and said, > > "Good morning, Father," "Good morning Father," > nodding and addressing > each of th! em individually, then passed on by. They > were both stunned. > How in the world did she know they were priests? > > The next day, they went back to the store, bought > even more outrageous > outfits. These were so loud, you could hear them > before you even saw > them. Once again, they settled on the beach in their > chairs to enjoy the > sunshine etc. After a while, the same gorgeous > blonde, wearing a string > bikini this time, came walking toward them. > > Again, she approached them and greeted them > individually: "Good > morning, Father," "Good morning, Father," and > started to walk away. > > One of the priests couldn't stand it and said, "Just > a minute, young > lady." > > "Yes?" she replied. > > "We are priests, and proud of it, but I have to > know, how in the world > ! did you know we are priests?" > > "Father, it's me, Siste r Helen."
"Thanks to Indian media who has over the period of time swiped out intellectual taste from mass Indian population." - Chetan Parekh
R K Singh
Joined: Oct 15, 2001
> > THE PERFECT COUPLE > > Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. > After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life > together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this > perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when > they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. > Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus > with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on > the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into > their vehicle. > Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the > driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus > had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. > > Question: Who was the survivor? (Scroll down for the answer. Trust me, > it's worth it) > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Answer: The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really > existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and > there is no such thing as a perfect man. > > ****Women stop reading here, this is the end of the joke. **** > > **** Men keep scrolling.**** > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have > been driving. This explains why there was a car accident. > > > ****Men keep scrolling**** > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > By the way, if you're a woman and you're still reading, this illustrates > another point: Women never listen. > > THE REAL END >
> Superb Love letter and a beautiful reply to it. Often happens in life > > A young teenage college guy Aakash send a love letter (in Q/A > format) to his class mate Swapna and he also got a reply from the girl, it > was as follows. > My Dear Swapna, <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns > = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com ffice ffice" /> > > > > > > Please answer the following questionaire. > For Options (a)10 marks,(b) 5 marks and (c) 3 marks. > > > If you have scored more than 40, then you are loving me. Don't delay in > expressing it. If you have scored between 30 and 40, love is budding in > your heart and it's getting ready to bloom. If you have scored less than > 30, you are in confusion whether to love me or not. > > 1) Whenever you enter the class room, your sight always falls on me because > > (a) of love > (b) you couldn't control seeing me > (c) really .... am I doing it > > > 2) Whenever professor cracks joke, you laugh and turn and look at me > because > (a) you always like to see me smiling > (b) you are testing whether I like jokes > (c) you are attracted by my smile > > > 3) When you were singing in the class, I entered and immediately you > stopped singing because > (a) you are so coy to sing before me > (b) my presence influenced you > (c) you feared that whether I'll like your song > > > 4) When you were showing your child photo, when I asked for it, you hid it > because > (a) you felt ashamed > (b) you felt uneasy > (c) you don't know > > > 5) During trekking, myself and my friend gave you hand for lifting you and > you took only my friend's because > (a) you enjoyed my disappointment > (b) you won't feel leaving my hand after grabbing > (c) you don't know > > > 6) You were waiting yesterday for bus and didn't get into your bus. > (a) you were waiting for me > (b) you were dreaming about me and didn't notice the bus > (c) that bus was crowded > > > 7) You introduced me to your parents whe! n they came to college because > (a) I am going to be your groom > (b) you just want to know what your parents think about me > (c) just you felt like introducing me to them > > > 8) I told that I like girls wearing roses. Next day, you came with a rose > on your head because > (a) to fulfill my wish > (b) you like roses > (c) by chance you got a rose > > > 9) On that day, it was my birthday. you too came to temple early at 6:00 AM > because > (a) you want to pray along with me > (b) you want to meet me before any one could meet on my birthday > (c) you want to wish me at temple because you are spiritual > > > Eagerly awaiting the result of Love Exam > - Aakash > > -------------------------------------------------------------------------- -- > > -------------------------------------------------------------------------- -- > > - > > Swapna's reply letter was also in Q/A format. > > Aakash, > Please answer the following Yes/No questionnaire. > > 1) If somebody sits in the first row, normally people entering the class, > sees them > (a) Yes > (b) No > > > 2) If a girls laughs and sees anyone, is it love ? > (a) Yes > (b) No > > > 3) While singing, if somebody forgets lines of the songs, will > he/she stop singing or not ? > (a) Yes > (b) No > > > 4) I was showing to my friends who are girls my child photo. You poked you > nose inside..... right ? > (a) Yes > (b) No > > > 5) I avoided to hold your hand during trekking. Couldn't you > understand yet? > (a) Yes > (b) No > > > 6) Should I not wait for my friend (girl) ? > (a) Yes > (b) No > > > 7) Shouldn't I introduce you to my parents as a friend ? > (a) Yes > (b) No > > > 8) You have said you also like Lotus, cauliflower, banana's flower. Is it > true ? > (a) Yes > (b) No > > > 9) Oh was that your birthday. Thats why I could see you in temple. I come > daily to <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns > = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com ffice:smarttags" />Temple. Do you know ? > (a) Yes > (b) No > > > If you have answered "Yes" to any of the question, then I am not > loving you. > If you have answered "No", then you don't know the meaning of Love. > - Swapna >
I am desperate for some help. I recently upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that the new program began unexpected child processing and also took up a lot of space and valuable resources. This wasn't mentioned in the product brochure. In addition Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialisation where it monitors all other system activity.
Applications such as Boys Night Out 2.5, and Golf 5.3 no longer run and crash the system whenever selected. Attempting to operate Sunday Football 6.3 always fails but Saturday Shopping 7.1 runs instead. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background whilst attempting to run any of my favourite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 but de-install doesn't work on this program. Please help!
This is a very common problem resulting from a basic misunderstanding. Many men upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program. Whereas Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM designed by its creator to run everything. You are unli kely to be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0 as Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this and it is impossible to de-install, delete or purge the program files from the system once installed.
Some people have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0, but have ended up with even more problems. (See in manual under Alimony/Child Support and Solicitors Fees). Having Wife 1.0 installed myself I recommend you keep it installed and deal with the difficulties as best you can.
When any faults or problems occur, whatever you think has caused them, you must run the C:\ APOLOGISE program and avoid attempting to use th e *Esc-key. It may be necessary to run C:\ I APOLOGISE a number of times, but hopefully eventually the operating system will return to normal. Wife 1.0 although a very high maintenance program can be very rewarding. To get the most out of it consider buying additional software such as Flowers 2.0 and Chocolates 5.0.
Do not under any circumstances install Secretary (Short Skirt version) as this is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and the system will almost certainly crash.
Best of luck Tech Support
> Is the Cat There? > > A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one > day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. > > As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. > > The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the > beast out and headed home. > > Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat! > > He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat > him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then > left, past the bridge, then right > again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe > distance from his home and left the cat there. > > Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?" > > "Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?" > > Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that @$#%#%^ on the phone, I'm > lost and need directions!"
Some of the Oracle real life messages...
Q. What if your Dad loses his car keys? A. 'Parent keys not found!' Q. What if your old girl friend spots you with your new one? A. 'Duplicate value on index!' Q. What if the golf ball doesn't get into the hole at all? A. 'Value larger than specified precision!' Q. What if you try to freak out with somebody else's girlfriend and being kicked out? A. 'Insufficient privileges on the specified object!' Q. What if you don't get any response from the girl next door? A. 'No data found!' or ' Query caused no rows retrieved!' Q. What if you get response from the girl next door and her Mom too? A. 'SELECT INTO returns too many rows!' Q. What if you dial a wrong number? A. 'Invalid number' or ' Object doesn't exist!' Q. What if you try to beat your own trumpet? A. 'Object is found mutating!' Q. What if you are too late to office and the boss catches you? A. 'Discrete transaction failed!' Q. What if you see 'theatre full' when you go to a movie? A. 'Maximum number of users exceeded!' Q. What if you don't get table in the lunch room? A. 'System out of tablespace!' Q. What if you need to go on a diet? A. Invalid Body Size
R K Singh
Joined: Oct 15, 2001
Possibly the funniest story in a while. This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board. This is a true story. Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure. . . .
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and trust the following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs.
Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.
You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 175 Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally, impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience a great deal of pain.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.
I hope this answers your inquiry.
What's the definition of trust? Two cannibals giving each other a blow job. __________________________ The pretty teacher is concerned about one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asks, "Johnny, why has your schoolwork been so poor lately?" "I'm in love," the boy sighs. Holding back an urge to smile, the teacher asks, "With whom?" "With you," he admits with a blush. "But Johnny," she says gently, "don't you see how silly this is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own one day, but I don't want a child." "Oh, don't worry, teacher," the boy replies reassuringly. "I'll use a condom." __________________________
Research Department has just come up with a stack of statistics proving that a considerable number of college students do not make love in parked cars. In fact, the report continues, the woods are full of them. __________________________
Jerry is hired to play his trumpet on the score of a movie, and he's excited. He's especially thrilled because he gets to take two long solos. After the sessions, which go great, Jerry can't wait to see the finished product. He asks the producer where and when he can catch the film. A little embarrassed, the producer explains that the music is for a porno flick that will be out in a month, and he tells Jerry where he can go to see it. A month later, Jerry, with his collar up and wearing glasses, goes to the theater where the picture is playing. He walks in and sits way in the back, next to an elderly couple who also seem to be disguised and hiding out. The movie starts, and it's the filthiest, most perverse porno flick ever...... group sex, S&M, golden showers... and then, halfway through, a dog gets in on the action. Before anyone can blink an eye, the dog has had sex with all the women in every orifice, and most of the men. Embarrassed, Jerry turns to the old couple and whispers, "I'm only here forthe music." The woman turns to Jerry and whispers, "We're here to see our dog." __________________________
It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married. __________________________
The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision. __________________________
Sally runs crying into the office. "What's wrong?" gasps her best friend Carol. "It's my boyfriend," gushes Sally, "He was working on the engine of his car when the hood came down and cut off his finger!" "My God," shrieks Carol, "did it amputate his whole finger?" "No thank goodness," sniffs Sally, "but it was the one right next to it!" __________________________
A guy wakes up one morning with a hangover. ''Honey, I know I made a fool out of myself at the party last night, so tell me what I did.'' ''You got in an argument with your boss.'' ''Well, piss on him!!!'' said the man. ''You did. He fired you.'' ''Well, screw him!'' ''I did.'' said his wife. ''You're back to work on Monday.'' __________________________
Did you hear about the stressed out Priest who went to the Doctor in a panic and asked him, "What does it mean Doc, when I go pee it burns like the Fire of Satan and I have this God awful drip?" The Doc smiled and said, "It means the Alterboy lied. He wasn't a Virgin." __________________________
Morris and his wife were vacationing in Hawaii when a violent earthquake occurred at 3 AM. As soon as morning came, the man went down to the hotel lobby to read the newspaper about what had happened. As he was reading the newspaper, a local gentlemen step up and ask him if he had felt the earthquake during the night. "I sure did. My wife and I are here on vacation from the mainland, and I have felt other earthquakes, but I have never felt a quake like that one, it was terrible. I thought the building was going to come down on us." The guy asks, "What were you doing during the earthquake?" "Gee, I was having the best sexual performance of my life as that earthquake was happening." "Is that right?" "And what did your wife think about it?" Morris said, "Well, it damn near woke her up!" __________________________
Did you follow my advice about kissing your girl when she least expects it?" asked the sophisticated college senior of his younger fraternity brother. "Oh, hell," said the fellow with the swollen eye, "I thought you said where." __________________________
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand. __________________________
The local Parent Teachers Association is running a lottery. "Third prize-a 32-inch color television-goes to Mrs. Carson!" "Second prize-a cookbook-goes to Mr. Jennings!" "Wait a minute!" grouse's Joe Jennings to his wife. "How come Myrtle Carson gets a big color television as third prize and I get a lousy cookbook for second?" "That's because the cookbook is written by the president of the PTA, and she's even signed it," explains Mrs. Jennings. "Big deal!" whispers Joe. "Fuck the president of the PTA! "But that's first prize." __________________________
What's the ultimate rejection? When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep. __________________________
The voluptuous redhead was walking down a dimly lit street when a man jumped out of the bushes. "Give me your money," he demanded. "I d-don't have any," she managed to reply. "Give me your money or I'll search you!" he threatened. She repeated that she didn't have any, then gasped as he made a tentative search. "You'd better give me your money now," he said menacingly, "or I'm going to rally search you!" "But I don't have any!" she protested, almost in tears. So he really searched her. "I guess you were on the level," he finally muttered angrily. "You don't have any money on you." "For heaven's sake," she wailed, "don't stop now. I'll write you a check." __________________________
Why do women close their eyes during sex ? They can't stand seeing a man have a good time. __________________________
The analyst was concerned about the results of a Rorschach Test he had just given, for the patient associated every ink blot with some kind of sexual activity. "I want to study the results of your test over the weekend," he said, "then I'd like to see you again on Monday morning." "OK, Doc," the man agreed, and then as he was slipping on his coat, he said, "I'm going to a stag party tomorrow night. Any chance I might be able to borrow those dirty pictures of yours?" __________________________
Two coeds are gossiping on their way home after high school. "Do you ever put out for your teachers?" asks Betty Jane. "No way!" says Norma Jo. "With me it's strictly a matter of principal." __________________________
A friend is teaching an introductory biology class at a local university. The topic last week was mammals, and she was preparing a Power Point slide show with images of various animals to illustrate the huge diversity of the mammals. Of course the obvious place to look for images is on the Internet, and she had great success with searches for "armadillo photos" and "whale photos" and "monkey photos." Then she made her mistake: she did a search for "beaver photos." __________________________
While making love to his wife, Carl discovered he couldn't concentrate. Though they'd been married only a few years, he reflected unhappily, their lovemaking had become infrequent and essentially joyless. Then quite suddenly, alarmed, he cried: "What happened? Did I hurt you?" "No," said his surprised wife. "Why do you ask?" "No reason, really," he replied with a sigh. "It was just that, for one moment there, I thought you moved." __________________________
Define Bra? A modern device used for the upliftment of the downfallen ones. __________________________
At a paternity trial, the blonde's lawyer asked, "On the night of July th last, at approximately 11:45 p.m., in the locale known generally as 'Lover's Lane' did the defendant have sexual relations with you?" "Yes." whispered the girl, her head bowed. "And did the defendant on that occasion, to the best of your knowledge, have a climax?" the lawyer continued. "Oh no." she replied, "I'm pretty sure he had one of them real fancy Mazdas." __________________________
A young buck went into a large store for a packet of rubbers. "Have you tried the rainbow ones?" asked the assistant, "We've got red ones, blue ones, green ones, orange ones, yellow ones, plus a few other different colors." "I'll try the lot," said the young man adventurously. Six months later, he appeared in the same store with a rather sorry looking young girl asking for maternity dresses. The same assistant served them asking, "What bust, madam?" "The blue one," The young man said sadly. __________________________
The recently married young woman was weeping and pouring out her heart and troubles to the church's appointed marriage counselor. -"Isn't there some way , without turning into a nag, that I can keep my husband in line?" The counselor scowled. "Well young lady," he said, "maybe that's the problem, Your husband shouldn't have to wait in line !" __________________________
"Dinner, wine, music, dancing, flowers -- he used all the moves to get me between the sheets," Jill confessed to her best friend. "And, what happened?" Jill sighs and says, "All of them worked!" __________________________
A housewife is at home when she suddenly hears a knock on the door. When she opens the door a man asks her if she has a vagina, the woman slams the door in disbelief of what a stranger has just asked her. The same thing happens three consecutive days and the woman decides to tells her husband. The husband says to the wife; "Tomorrow I am not going to work and when the man asks if you have a vagina say yes and I will be hiding behind the door." The next day the same man comes again and when the woman open the door he asks if she has the vagina and the woman says yes; the man then said to the woman, "Good, then please tell your husband to stop screwing my wife. __________________________
Our Unabashed Dictionary offers this definition of the difference between frustration and panic: Frustration is the first time you discover you can't do it the second time. Panic is the second time you discover you can't do it the first time. __________________________
What is a gay masochist? A sucker for punishment. __________________________
It has been determined that having sex before participating in athletic activity, such as a marathon race, does not impair the athlete's performance. In fact, men have known and displayed this for centuries. After sex, they glance at their watches and say, "Oops, gotta run!" __________________________
"Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love." __________________________
What is cunnilingus? An Irish airline. __________________________
A tourist from goes on his first overseas trip. Upon arriving, he is visibly puzzled filling his visa application. The border official looks over his shoulder, and sees the tourist trying to write 'Twice a week' into the small space labeled 'SEX'. The official explains: "No, no, no. That is not what we mean by this question. We are asking 'Male' or 'Female'." "Doesn't matter," the tourist answers. __________________________
To smart women everywhere!
1. I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb ... and I also know that I'm not blonde. -Dolly Parton-
2. You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. - Erica Jong-
3. I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours. -Rita Rudner-
4. I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. - Wendy Liebman-
5. Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. - Erma Bombeck-
6. If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them. - Sue Grafton-
7. I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on. -Roseanne Barr-
8. I think, therefore I'm single. -Lizz Winstead-
9. When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. -Elayne Boosler-
10. Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. - Maryon Pearson-
11. I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch. -Gilda Radner-
12. In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman. -Margaret Thatcher-
13. I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. -Gloria Steinhem-
14. I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night. -Marie Corelli-
15. Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths. - Baroness Edith Summerskill
16. If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck -Linda Ellerbee
17. I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. -Zsa Zsa Gabor-
Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return.
A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some husbands...
The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.
The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?"
This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." "Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went.
This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on! So up to the fifth floor they went.
The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are impossible to please!!
Please exit to the left.
A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three 3 wishes." The woman freed the frog.
The frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes- that whatever you wish for,your husband will get ten times more or better!" The woman said, "That would be okay."
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to. The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me." So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world.
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That will be okay because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, ..........And she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them !
Attention Lady Readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling better.
Male Readers, please
scroll down ......
The man had a 10 times milder Heart Attack !!!
Certainly makes you think twice about how bad your job could be!!
When you have an "I Hate My Job" day, try this. On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing and lie down on your bed. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken. Take out the literature and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement, "Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson is personally tested."
Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times: "I am so glad I do not work for quality control at Johnson and Johnson."
R K Singh
Joined: Oct 15, 2001
The First Affair > > A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them > and they took off for her house, where they made > passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted > from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening > around 8:00 p.m. As the man threw on his > clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes > outside and rub them through the grass and > dirt. > Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped > into his shoes and drove home. > > "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when > he entered the house. > > "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having > an affair with my secretary and we've been > having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and > didn't wake up until eight o'clock." > > The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, > "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!". > > --------------------------------------- > > The Second Affair > > There was a middle-aged couple that had two > stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. The > couple decided to try one last time for the son > they always wanted. After months of trying, > the wife finally got pregnant and sure enough, > delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later. > The joyful father rushed into the nursery to > see his new son. > > He took one look and was horrified to see the > ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his > wife and told her there was no way he could be > the father of that child. > > "Look at the two beautiful daughters I > fathered!" > Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have > you been fooling around on me?" > > The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not > this time!" > > ---------------------------------- > > The Third Affair > > A mortician was working late one night. It was > his job to examine the dead bodies before they > were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he > examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who > was about to be cremated, he made an amazing > discovery. Schwartz had the longest private > part > he had ever seen! > > "I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz", said the mortician,? > but I can't send you off to be cremated with a > tremendously huge private part like this. It > has to be saved for posterity." > > With that, the coroner used his tools to remove > the dead man's scaling. He stuffed his prize > into a briefcase and took it home. The first > person he showed it to was his wife. > > "I have something to show you that you won't > believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase. > > "Oh my God!" the wife screamed, "Schwartz is > dead!" > > ----------------------------------- > > The Fourth Affair > > A woman was in bed with her lover when she > heard her husband opening the front door. > "Hurry," > she said, "stand in the corner." Then she > quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then > dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move > until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just > pretend > you're a statue." > > "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as > he entered the room. > > "Oh, it's a statue," she replied nonchalantly. > "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I > liked it so much, I got one for us too." > > No more was said about the statue, not even > later when they went to sleep. Around two in > the > morning, the husband got out of bed, went to > the kitchen and returned a while later with > a sandwich and a glass of milk. > > "Here," he said to the statue, "eat something. > I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three > days and nobody offered me as much as a glass > of water." > > ----------------------------------- > > The Fifth Affair > > A man walks into a night club one night. He > goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. > "Certainly, Sir, that'll be 1 pence." > "One pence?", exclaimed the man. > The bartender replied, "Yes." > So the man glances over at the menu and asks, > Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with > chips, peas and a fried egg?" > "Certainly Sir," replies the barman, "but that > comes to real money." > "How much money?" inquires the man. > "4 pence," the bartender replied. > "Four pence?", exclaimed the man. "Where's the > guy who owns this place?" > The bartender replies "He's upstairs with my > wife!" > The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with > your wife?" > The bartender replied, "The same thing as I'm > doing to his business." > > --------------------------------------------------------------- > > The Sixth Affair > > Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was > maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. > She held > his fragile hand, tears running down her face. > Her praying roused him from his slumber. He > looked up and his pale lips began to move > slightly. > > "Becky my darling," he whispered. > "Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk." > He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired > voice, "I have something that I must confess." > > "There's nothing to confess," replied the > weeping Becky, "everything's all right, go to > sleep." > > "No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I .... I > slept with your sister, your best friend, her > best friend and your mother!" > > "I know, my sweet one" whispered Becky, > "that's why I poisoned you."
James Bond Style : The character James Bond has a peculiar style of introducing himself by calling first Bond, then followed by great smile & finally James Bond. His style is absolutely killing but he doesn't know the consequences when he meets our great South Indian guy. When Bond meets a Hyderabad guy......
James Bond: "My name's Bond...(smiles and then says).... James Bond." James Bond: And you? Telugu Guy : I am Sai... Venkata Sai... Siva Venkata Sai. Laxminarayana Siva Venkata Sai.... Srinivasulu Laxminarayana Siva Venkata Sai. Rajasekhara Srinivasulu Laxminarayana Siva Venkata Sai..... Sitaramanjaneyulu Rajasekhara Srinivasulu Laxminarayana Siva Venkata Sai.... Bommiraju Sitaramanjaneyulu Rajasekhara Srinivasulu Laxminarayana Siva Venkata Sai.....
and James Bond faints!!!
Why don't Episcopalians play chess? Because they have trouble telling the difference between a bishop and a queen. ________________________________ A gentleman staying at the Ritz Hotel in London removes a card offering sexual services from a telephone box on Piccadilly. Back at the hotel he rings the number. A lady with a silky soft voice answers and asks if she can be of assistance. The gentleman says, "I'd like a blow job, some missionary work, a little doggie-style, some mild bondage, finishing off with a pearl necklace. What do you think?" The lady says, "I think it sounds intriguing, sir, but you might like to press 9 first to get an outside line. ________________________________
It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden. ________________________________
A streetwalker was visiting her doctor for a regular checkup. "Any specific problems you should tell me about?" the doctor asked. "Well, I have noticed lately that if I get even the tiniest cut, it seems to bleed for hours," she replied. "Do you think I might be a hemophiliac?" "Well," the doctor answered, "hemophilia is a genetic disorder and it is more often found in men, but it is possible for a woman to be a hemophiliac. Tell me, how much you lose when you have your period?" After calculating for a moment the hooker replied, "Oh, about seven or eight hundred dollars, I guess." ________________________________
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby? They named him "Sum Ting Wong" ________________________________
There was a black guy, a white guy, and a chinese guy. They all had been in the bar before and saw this gorgeous woman. Well they made a bet to see who could make the woman scream. The black guy goes in a comes out and the women is laughing, ?nd then the white guys goes in, well after he comes out she is laughing even harder. The chinese guy goes in and after a few minutes she is screaming bloody murder. Then he comes out, and the other two guys said how did you do that, and the chinese guy goes "Me play trick, me put hot sauce on my dick!" ________________________________
What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman? Sexual harassment. What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man? $3.99 a minute. ________________________________
During his monthly visit to the corner barbershop, this fellow asked his barber for any suggestions on how to treat his increasing baldness. After a brief pause, the barber leaned over and confided that the best thing he'd come across was, er, female juices. "But you're balder than I am," protested the customer.?True," admitted the barber, "but you've gotta admit I've got one hell of a moustache!" ________________________________
"Say when," said the fellow as he poured out her drink. "Right after the next drink," she replied. ________________________________
Michael Jackson asks Woody Allen "do you have two fives for a ten?" ________________________________
A man thinks with his dick, a woman dicks with his thinking. ________________________________
A couple had been split up for about six months, but still remained good friends. This worked out pretty good since they lived in the same apartment building. One day the man slipped on the ice and broke his arm. He met his ex-wife in the elevator and she asked if there was anything she could do to help. He said, "Well, if it's not too much trouble, could you help me take a bath?" She readily agreed and soon was washing him when she saw a gradual erection begin to appear. "Now isn't that sweet," she cooed. "Look John, it still recognizes me." ________________________________
Virginity can be cured. ________________________________
A guy goes to a single's bar to find a bedmate for the night. He sits at the bar and has a couple of drinks while surveying his possibilities. He finally decides on a cute redhead that seems to be having a great time dancing with different guys. So he has another quick drink while waiting for the music to stop, making sure he is positioned to ask her for the next dance. He gets it, but after gyrating madly on the dance floor with the gal, after the dance he feels a bit woozy from the drinks he'd had. "How many drinks does it take to make you dizzy?" he asks the perky redhead. "Oh, four or five." she answers, adding "And don't call me Dizzy." ________________________________
What do you get if your donkey bites the legs off of my rooster? Two feet of my cock in your ass. ________________________________
A Blond Hollywood girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter. "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress." she says. "Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear. "No" she replies. "This time it's mayonnaise." ________________________________
Why are hurricanes normally named after women ? When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them. ________________________________
Michael Jackson has checked into the Betty Ford Rehab center to cure him of his 12 year old crack habit. There are 2 kinds of people in this world. Those that want to get ahead, and those that just want to get head. ________________________________
The only thing about sex outside marriage that is missing in marriage is the hot throb of boiling blood, the desperate rip of impeding cloth, the quivering, trembling, panting, sweaty, drooling, dirty, groping and writhing of 2 animals in fever-pitch, passionate abandon. That is good too, but nobody, who is not in on it, is glad you're happy. ________________________________
What is it about submarines that women love so much? The concept of a long, hard cylinder filled with seamen. ________________________________
Love your neighbor, but don't get caught. ________________________________
A waitress walks up to a table where three Japanese men are seated. When she gets to the table, the waitress notices that the three men are furiously masturbating. She asks, "What the hell are you three perverts doing?" One man replies, "We all very hungry!" She answers, "But why are you jerking off?" Another man answers, "Because menu say" 'First Come, First Served!'" ________________________________
Did you hear about the three gay men who attacked a woman? Two held her down while the third did her hair...! ________________________________
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? "Are you sure it's mine?" ________________________________
I really do appreciate my new negligee, darling, but I know that later you'll just want to try to talk me out of it. ________________________________
What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth? One US leader. ________________________________
Muttering a few words The guy considered himself lucky to have been able to attract and bed such a luscious looking dish. He was even considering trying to establish a relationship instead of just a one night stand. But he couldn't help but wonder why she wasn't already in one. "I can't help feeling that we've met before." he said. "Yeah, I know." sighed the girl stretching. "It happens to me a lot. I think they call this 'deja screw'." ________________________________
What is the difference between excess and surplus? Excess is the part of breast that does not fit in your mouth and surplus is the other breast. ________________________________
There was a plain, skinny spinster with a speech impediment. She longed for a man, and used to comfort herself by reading 'respectable' erotic stories, namely the adventures of great classical gods. This only made her worse, but one night a strange thing happened. She dreamed that a big blond naked man came to her bed, ripped off her long nightgown, and made passionate love to her again and again. In the morning, as he was about to leave through the window, she begged him to stay. "I must return to Valhalla," he boomed, "I'm Thor." "Tho am I, but wathn't it marvellouth!" ________________________________
What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb? You can unscrew a light bulb. ________________________________
What are three words you dread the most while making love? "Honey, I'm home." ________________________________
"Are you and Larry serious?" the one girl asked her friend while they were talking over cocktails. "We're still a little short of a meeting of the minds." she replied. "I want a big, old-fashioned June wedding, and he wants a quickie in the back seat." ________________________________
Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics. ________________________________
The difference between war and peace is there never has been a good war. ________________________________
A truck driver was pulled over by a Highway Cap. The patrolman told him to get out of the truck, and noticed that the driver appeared to be putting something in his mouth as he stepped out of the cab. Figuring that the driver was putting away his pep pills, the patrolman asked "Did I just see you swallow something?" "Yep, that was my birth control pill." said the driver. "Birth control pill?" asked the patrolman. "Yep, when I saw your light, I knew I was fucked." ________________________________
What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts? Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck. ________________________________
A certain young lady was invited up to her boy friend's apartment the other evening to look at his etchings. When they arrived at his apartment, she was surprised to find no etchings at all. In fact, to her amazement, she discovered he had no chairs, no tables, no furniture, at all. She was floored. ________________________________
Why did God give men penises ? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up. ________________________________
Pony: What a Southerner says of his injured leg joint (Cynthia MacGregor)
California Condor: Main gate at San Quentin. (Ken Pinkham)
Lambaste: Periodically pouring gravy over a leg of lamb to keep it moist. (Stan Kegel)
Nobility: Lacking the required skills. (Jason Dias)
Pun: Two disparate strings of thought tied together by an acoustic knot. (Arthur Koester)
Preceding: the period of time before Hong-Kong's lease expired. (Jason Dias)
Labrador: The entrance into the laboratory (Cynthia MacGregor)
Earwig: Fur cap extensions to keep your ears warm on cold nights (Stan Kegel)
Embracable Ewe: Sheep herders love song. (Ken Pinkham)
Pelican: Regarding the abilities of a former star soccer player (Cynthia MacGregor)
Insect: A popular new religious group (Stan Kegel)
Primate: What mamas hope their daughters find. (Ken Pinkham)
Liposuction: Letting the fat out of the bag. (M. Rose Pierce)
Goulash: Messy Mascara (Brandy Brandon)
Gossip: One who woulkd rather listen to dirt than sweep it. (Leopold Fetchner)
Purpose: Somethoing a photographer has to put up with (Douglas Drill)
Ransom: Jogged a little (Rosalie Moscovitch)
Rooster: To regret swishing your spoon through the ingredients in the pot (Cynthia MacGregor)
Donkey: What you need to get into the Godfather's house. (Stan Kegel)
Expired: a church after an earthquake. (Jason Dias)
Bobby Sox: Blows by a British policeman (Rosalie Moscovitch)
Incite: The place to build a hotel (Douglas Drill)
Hollandaise: Tuesday and Wednesday on the ten-day tour of Europe (Cynthia MacGregor)
Dissenter: The tallest man on the basketball team (Stan Kegel)
Prophesy: University lecturer on a cruise ship (Rosalie Moscovitch)
Recoup: Overthrow the government a second time. (Jason Dias)
Sherbet: A wager which has no chance of losing (Doug Ditch)
Fundamentalism: To support a medium. (Gary Hallock)
Firm Belief: Faith in your company (Joseph Leff)
Bible: What an Amish farmer must do to increase his herd. (Trevor Mytton)
Carmelite: Low-fat version of ice cream sundae with blonde topping (Cynthia MacGregor)
Curtail: The part of the dog that wags (Rosalie Moscovitch)
Dark Ages: Knight time (Stan Kegel)
Latest: A French exam (Douglas Drill)
Disengage: Give back the ring (Brandy Brandon)
Orgy: A swap meat (M. Rose Pierce)
Tantrum: A percussion instrument the color of sun-exposed skin. (Cynthia MacGregor)
Paradox: You somehow intuitively know the name of everyone in the world who is psychic, and you are not on the list. (Mike Bass)
Curate: Measure of chances of your doctor making you well (Stan Kegel)
Artifacts: Trivia about Picasso (Soupy Sales)
Banquet: When it rained on the Savings and Loan. (Rosalie Moscovitch)
Cornet: How farmers catch falling corn (Douglas Drill)
Wine: Asking the reason for something (Cynthia MacGregor)
Microbe: Gown worn by TV and Radio evangelists (Stan Kegel)
Kiwi: Used to open tiny luggage locks (Rosalie Mocovitch)
Incite: Still visable (Brandy Brandon)
Somersault: Seasoning used in July and August (Douglas Drill)
Iraq: Iran is a country between IRAQ and a hard place. (Richard Lederer)
Parasite: Did you prePARASITE for the tent? (Stan Kegel)
Moisturizer: I know you're sad; look how MOISTURIZER. (Jason Dias)
Habitat: The naked Mother Superior looked around her tiny room frantically and muttered "Where's my HABITAT?" (Cynthia MacGregor)
Heron: "It must be hereditary. I'm losing every HERON my head." (Stan Kegel)
Often: Eight out OFTEN dentists agree... (Jason Dias)
Portrait: Stuttering is a PORTRAIT for a newscaster. (Stan Kegel)
Screen Din: When the installers are making a racket putting up the stuff that keeps out the mosquitoes on your terrace, it's a SCREEN DIN porch. (Cynthia MacGregor)
Scripture: Is this the SCRIPTURE grandfather is buried in? (Douglas Drill)
Lettuce: This New Year's eve LETTUCE celebrate together. (Stan Kegel)
Impotent: It is his immence power rather than his wealth that makes IMPOTENT as an enemy (Douglas Drill)
Ferris Wheel: He's as FERRIS WHEEL get any judge to be. (Cynthia MacGregor)
Condor: "I CONDOR into staying all night with me." (Stan Kegel)
Sandwich: Junior doesn't need a sand box. He can play in that SANDWICH the construction crew dumped in the backyard. (Doug Ditch)
Ejaculate: The boss said, "EJACULATE again, can't you ever be on time?" (Ken Pinkham)
Exercise: You should see how large that hen is. I've never seen a bird lay EXERCISE. (Gary Hallock)
Decibel: If Desi had taken Lucy's name instead of the other way around, he'd have been DECIBEL (Bob Dvorak) That HERTZ. (Stan Kegel)
Liquor: Each time she pet the dog, he would LIQUOR. (Stan Kegel)
Tzar: Excuse me, but those TZAR our seats you are sitting in." (Douglas Drill)
Cowhide and Avoidable: "Did you see that COWHIDE to AVOIDABLE?" (Stan Kegel)
Giggle: Never mind the long boat, sailor, the captain's GIGGLE do (Douglas Drill)
Refuge: If you hadn't hollered at the REFUGE still be in the game. (Douglas Drill)
Parasynthesis: The minister condemning sex and alcohol said, "What a PARASYNTHESIS!" (Stan Kegel)
"I don't think it is possible to know the mind of god," said Agnes stoically. (Jason Dias)
"I loved drives through the country before all these signs came up," said Bill bored. (Gunjan Saraf)
"I think I'll publish this Tom Sawyer book under a pseudonym," remarked Wayne. (Gary Hallack)
"Somebody just broke my percussion instrument, " Tim bawled. (Gunjan Saraf)
"But I can always do well with you as my partner," said Amy ably. (Bob Dvorak)
"I dislike the whole of Greece," said Tom discretely. (Jason Dias)
"I'm going to just forge ahead," said Beau, "regardless of what I may lose." (Bob Dvorak)
"We don't need a machine to do that," said Arti sans hesitation.. (Gunjan Saraf)
"I assisted the dressmaker today," said Tom formally. (Jason Dias)
"I don't know what (b2 - 4ac) equals and I don't care!" said Tom indiscriminately. (Clinton Rogers)
"I love hot dogs," said Tom with relish. (Asa Sparks)
"I foresee things getting better," said Claire buoyantly. (Bob Dvorak)
"I helped reattach that man's organ," Tom remembered. (Jason Dias)
"I don't think the animal rights people have it quite right," Tom inferred. (Jason Dias)
"Have you ever been abducted by aliens?" Tom probed. (Jason Dias)
"I can't think of any more poetry," she said adversely. (Paul Dickson)
"There's a fee for crossing this bridge," Tom told us. "No, there's not any more," his supervisor extolled. (Gary Hallock)
"Why shouldn't I stir my yoghurt with a ball-point pen?" Tom bickered. (Gill Krebs)
"My swimming coach made me cut my hair very short," Cathy cried very distressed. (Stan Kegel)
Will you need me, will you still feed me, when I'm six feet four? (... when I'm sixty-four) The Beatles "When I'm Sixty-Four" (Gavin Edwards)
There's a bathroom on the right. ( There's a bad moon on the rise) .The Credence Clearwater Revival "There's a bad moon a risin'": (Jason Dias)
It's a hard egg (It's a heartache) Bonnie Taylor "It's a Heartache" (Gavin Edwards)
You need Kool-Aid, baby I'm not foolin' (You need coolin', baby I'm not foolin') Led Zeppelin "Whole Lotta Love" (Gavin Edwards)
Clown Control to Mao Tse-Tung (Ground control to Major Tom) David Bowie "Space Oddity" (Gavin Edwards)
I want to rock 'n roll all night, and part of every day (I want to rock 'n roll all night, and party every day) Kiss "Rock and Roll All Nite" (Gavin Edwards)
A long life is not good enough, but a good life is long enough. (Esther Jungreis)
As I feasted at our company end-of-year dinner, I reflected on my underpowered computer, noting that for dinner I was having rack of lamb, but at work I had a lack of RAM. (Mark Wadsworth)
It is better to be looked over than overlooked. (Archives)
QUOTES & BLOOPERS
"A nickel ain't worth a dime any more." (Yogi Berra)
"Predictions are difficult, especially about the future." (Yogi Berra)
"I really didn't say everything I said." (Yogi Berra)
"It's like deja vu all over again." (Yogi Berra)
"Always go to other peoples' funerals, otherwise they won't go to yours." (Yogi Berra)
He lives under a consumed name. (Syman Hirsch)
The residents were evaporated from the flood area. (Syman Hirsch)
A major problem in America is jubuilat delinquency. (Syman Hirsch)
Housework is so monogamous. (Syman Hirsch)
I've got to get the shock observers fixed. (Syman Hirsch)
Our mayor is a very extinguished man. (Syman Hirsch)
The accused man was arranged in court. (Syman Hirsch)
Quote from coroner's office re efforts to identify the person whose leg washed ashore in Boluga Bay: "We were stumped, basically" (Nan Bell & Elizabeth Lindsay/Dave Barry)
New Orleans Times-Piocayune article re a breakout at an animal research facility: "Tulane Center monkeys escape. Half are captured in time for dinner." (Roy Winter/Dave Barry)
Tip for Visitors : Avoid the traffic by using one of the park's shuttle buses and view the elk rut with a park ranger (Dave Barry)
Dad's waistline = Father figure (Phillip W. Gilman)
Game for chubby birds = Round robin (Phillip W. Gilman)
Quick kill for a stag = Fast buck (Phillip W. Gilman)
Athletic girls' blouses = Broad jumpers (Phillip W. Gilman)
Make kindling for Chinese take-out = Chopsticks (Phillip W. Gilman)
Erotic Italian spasm = Romantic (Phillip W. Gilman)
Movie: The French-Fries Connection: Drug dealers use MacDonald?s to distribute their products (Stan Kegel)
Movie: With Sex You Get Eggroll: A prostitute uses a takeout Chinese Restaurant to offer her noontime services (Stan Kegel)
Movie: The Six Cents : Three Little League mothers each put their "two cents" in telling the coaches how to play their children. (Stan Kegel)
Movie: The Umpire Strikes Out: A baseball umpire scores a perfect game in his bowling league (Stan Kegel)
Movie: Die Hard : A high draft pick is found dead after taking an overdose of Viagra. (Stan Kegel)
"I'm sorry tell you this Mr. Charles but you've developed a heart condition. You've got arhythmia'n'blues." (Gary Hallock)
It's absolutely normal Mr. Lindbergh to have a little weakness after a flew. (Gunjan Saraf)
The chimney sweep had the flue. (Jason Dias)
Well Moe, you've got to stop hitting those other stooges over the head. You've got a busted cap'o'Larry. (Gary Hallock)
Mr. Einstein you seem to be inflicted by deeptheoryia ! (Gunjan Saraf)
Daffy, I can see your pants are down, but the real problem is your chapped lips. I can give you some medication for that. Shall I put it on your bill? (Gary Hallock)
Mr. Schulz, it's very unusual for a cartoonist to loose his voice, but it appears you've got a Charlie hoarse. (Gary Hallock)
Seen in a Farm Equipment sales office: The only machine we don't stand behind is our manure spreader. (Sydes)
If Carmen McRae married and divorced Pierre Trudeau and married Rob Roy, she'd become Carmen Trudeau Roy. (Alvin Hattal)
A girl named Dory wanted to marry William Meadow so she could change her name to do re mi do. (Izzy Cohen)
There is a shoe store nearby run by a family named Talia. The problem is that their son wanted to marry a girl named Gena. (Stu Boyton)
What Do You Get When You Cross A Pigeon With An Army General? A Military Coo. (Sydes)
Headline: GAY BROTHEL HIRES HIMALAYAN MAN (Stephen Kramer)
Assertiveness Training Coach: Lois Steem (Lady Brie)
Chief of Tire Technology: Yessir Itsaflat (Lady Brie)
Customer Care Representative: Kurt Reply (Lady Brie)
Chief Justice: Judge Mental (Lady Brie)
Chief of Tire Technology: Yessir Itsaflat (Lady Brie)
Director of Purchasing: Lois Bidder (Lady Brie)
"Waiter, this sausage has meat at one end and bread at the other." "Well, sir, you know how hard it is to make both ends meet these days." (Paul Dickson)
"Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!" "That's strange. What kind of soup is it?" (Paul Dickson)
"Hey, waiter, you've got your thumb in my bowl of soup!" "Don't worry, sir, the soup isn't hot." (Paul Dickson)
"Waiter, what's that in my soup?" "I'd better call the manager, sir, I can't tell one insect from another." (Paul Dickson)
'Waiter, there's a hair in my soup." "That's not soup, it's rabbit stew! (Norman Gilbert)
"Waiter, what is this fly doing in my alphabet soup?" "Learning to read?" (Paul Dickson)
"Waiter, what is this fly doing in my alphabet soup?" "Learning to read?" (Paul Dickson)
"Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!" "Just wait until you see the main course." (Paul Dickson)
"Sex is a drag! All I worry about is getting pregnant." "I thought your husband had a vasectomy." "He did! That's why I'm so worried." __________________
"I'd like to buy some gloves for my wife," the young man said, eyeing the attractive salesgirl, "but I don't know her size." "Will this help?" she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his. "Oh, yes," he answered. "Her hands are just slightly smaller that yours." "Will there be anything else?" the salesgirl queried as she wrapped the gloves. "Now that you mention it," he replied, "she also needs a bra and panties." __________________
Opposed to gay sex? Remember what happened to *your* sex life after you were married? __________________
A middle-aged woman was standing in front of her mirror admiring her clothing. "Look, dear," she said to her husband, "I can still get into the same skirts I had before I got married." "Yeah," he snorted, "I wish I could say the same." __________________
You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women. __________________
Researchers investigating the remarkably well-preserved 5,200-year-old frozen body of an Alpine hunter found traces of semen in the pubic area. The iceman cometh! __________________
Since the wife is eight months into her pregnancy, the husband has to sleep on the floor to avoid any regrettable mistake, which might happen pretty easily, for he has been desperate for quite a while now... Just before lying down on the bed, she glances at him and sees the poor guy curled up on the floor, eyes stare widely into the empty air, filled with hopeless desire... Feeling sorry for her husband, she opens the top drawer of the cabinet, takes out a fifty dollar bill, and gives it to him: "Awww, my honey is so depressed... here, take this and go to the woman next door, she will let you sleep with her tonight... and remember that this happens only once... ok?... don't think about it again."
The husband rolls his eyes in disbelief, but afraid that she may change her mind, he grabs the money and leaves quickly. A few minutes later, he returns, hands the bill back to the wife and says with much disappointment: "She said this is not enough, she wants sixty..." The wife's face slowly turns red with anger: "Damn that bitch... when she was pregnant and her husband came over here... I only charged him fifty!" __________________
Two girls were comparing their experiences at the company's annual Christmas party. "Did you get laid, Sherry ?" "Twice." "Only twice?" "Yeah, once by the band and once by the accounting department!" __________________ Sex is dirty only if it's done right. __________________
A gay man is in a bar, on all fours, trying to pick up some money he dropped. A big bouncer says, "Hey, you! Move it or I'll give you a foot up the ass!" The gay man looks around and says, "I think you're bragging, but I'm game if you are." __________________
Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last. __________________
Why is there no Disneyland in Japan? No one's tall enough to go on the good rides __________________
"First," said the playboy, "I'm going to buy you a few drinks and get you a bit loose." "Oh no you're not," said the girl. "Then I'll take you to dinner and ply you with a few more drinks." "Oh no you're not." "Then I'll take you to my place and keep serving you drinks." "Oh no you're not." "Then I'm going to make violent, passionate love to you." "Oh no you're not." "And I'm not going to wear a condom either!" said the guy. "Oh yes you are!" said the girl. __________________
Bill and Harry are bragging about how clever their dogs are. "This'll clinch it" says Bill, and gives his dog a $10 bill, "Go off and buy me a newspaper". The dog trots of obediently - but an hour later he's still not back. Bill and Harry set off to look for the dog - and find him in the nearest alleygiving a very serious Humping to a pretty french poodle. "Rover" says Bill, "why didn't you come back to me like before ?" Rover looks up and says "Never had this much money before..." __________________
Mike finally comes out of the closet and admits to Ron that he is gay. Ron says, "You're a homosexual?? Are you seeing a psychiatrist?" "No," Mike said, "I'm seeing a lieutenant in the army." __________________
What did the egg say to the boiling water? "How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago." __________________
Why were Paris Hilton's parents so upset when they saw her sex video? The towels in the backgroung said, "Econo Lodge" __________________
Why is air a lot like sex? Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any __________________
A knockout blonde with a fine set of knockers complains to the doctor, "I believe I am losing my mind. I can't remember ANYTHING after five minutes!" The doctor answers, in his most comforting tone, "Just take off all your clothes, miss, and lie down..." __________________
Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got. __________________
A Palestinian suspect was being grilled by Israeli police. "Honest, I'm not a suicide bomber," he said. "I didn't say I wanted to blow myself up so I could sleep with 72 virgins. All I said was I'm dying to get laid." __________________
What do a blonde and a Harley have in common? It takes ten to fifteen minutes of messing with them to good ride, and when you stand them up, they leak. __________________
A wife comes home unexpectedly one day and finds her husband in bed with a lady midget. Upset and furious over his actions, the woman screams, "You promised me two weeks ago that you would never cheat on me again!" Trying his best to calm her down, the husband turns to his wife and says, "Take it easy Dear, Can't you see I'm trying to taper off?" __________________
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex? Because they have cotton balls.
Some guys are really intelligent than us???
THE THERMODYNAMICS OF HELL The following is an actual question given on University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet which is of course why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well: Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: "First. We need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion you will go to Hell.
Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1) If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2) If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over? So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year. “. that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having an affair with her. Then #2 above cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze over."
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"
Things I hate about everybody.... Billy Conolly - His own Words!!
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....I know where my watch is pal, where the f*ck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2. People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". F*cking right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?
4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the f*ck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No tosser, I paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the f*cking floor.
6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?
7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.
8. When people say "life is short". What the f*ck?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever f*cking does!! What can you do that's longer?
9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, Knobhead?
10. People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'. So what did they used to be? ears, Wellington boots?
11. When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.
12. People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an image I really didn't need.
13. McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering.....It's has to be a
McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger get blank looks...........Well I'll have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you f*cking McTosser.
14. When you involved in a accident and someone asks 'are you alright? Yes, fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off.
If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.
Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
Have a bad toothache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will forget about the toothache.
A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout-looking hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, "How much do you charge?" Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job." Guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Jesus Christ! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!" The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?" "Yes." Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?" "Yes." "And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?" "Yes." "Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500." Guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try." They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $P0. He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?" The hooker replies, "$1,500." "I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!" The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500." The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so, and says, "Sign me up." Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?" The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?" "Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?" "No," the hooker replies, "but I would if I had a pussy."
R K Singh
Joined: Oct 15, 2001
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood, then parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and started hassling him about where he got it.
He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep. However, they persisted until he finally gave in. "Okay, follow me," he said as he flapped out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.
Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees. Finally he slowed and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.
"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"YES, YES, YES!" all the other bats screamed in a frenzy.
"Good," shouted the bat, "Because I f***king didn't."
Psychiatric Hotline: Ring, ring, click...
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, have someone else press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4 and 5.
If you are paranoid-delusional, don't press anything. We know who you are and are having the call traced.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter what you press; no one will answer anyway.
If you are delusional and hallucinating, be aware that the thing you're holding on the side of your head is alive and is about to lick your ear.
THERE WAS AN ITALIAN FAMILY WITH A DAUGHTER WHO WAS GOING OUT ON HER FIRST DATE. HER MOTHER TOLD HER," SI HE TRIE TA KISSA YOU, YOU TELLA HIM NO, YOU DISGRACA THE FAMILY." THEN TOLD HER DAUGHTER,"SI HE TRIE TA TOUCHA YOU, YOU TELLA HIM NO, YOU DISGRACA THE FAMILY." THE MOTHER LASTLY TOLD HER," SI HE TRIE TA LAY ON TOPA YOU, YOU TELLA HIM NO, YOU DISGRACA THE FAMILY." THE DAUGHTER WENT OUT ON HER DATE COMPLETELY UNDERSTANDING ALL THAT HER MOTHER TOLD HER . WHEN SHE RETURNED FROM HER DATE HER MOTHER ASKED HER," HE TRIE TA KISSA YOU? " THE DAUGHTER SAID NO THE MOM ASKED, " HE TRIE TA TOUCHA YOU." THE DAUGHTER SAID NO SHE LASTLY ASKED, " HE TRIE TA LAY ON TOPA YOU." THE DAUGHTER SAID NO THE MOTHER ASKED, "SO WHAT HAPPENED." THE DAUGHTER REPLIED, " I KISSA HIM, I TOUCHA HIM, I LAYA ON TOPA HIM, I DISGRACA HISA FAMILY.
WELL THE DAUGHTER IN TIME FELL IN LOVE WITH THIS MAN AND THEY GOT MARRIED. WHEN THEY WERE ON THEIR HONEYMOON THE DAUGHTER WAS VERY NERVOUS BECAUSE SHE HAD NEVER BEEN WITH A MAN BEFORE. SHE TOOK OFF HER HUSBANDS SHIRT AND HE HAD HAIR ALL OVER HIS CHEST. SHE RAN DOWN STAIRS AND SAID TO HER MOTHER, " MOMA MOMA HE GOTTA HAIR ALL OVER HIS CHESTA. THE MOTHER SAID," YOU GO UPA STAIRS, YOU GO UPA STAIRS, THATSA YOUR HUSBAND, THATSA YOUR HUSBAND." THE DAUGHTER DOING AS HER MOTHER TOLD HER WENT UP STAIRS SHE TOOK OFF HER HUSBANDS PANTS AND SAW HE HAD HAIR ALL OVER HIS LEGS. SHE RAN DOWN STAIRS TO HER MOM AND SAID, " MOMA MOMA HE GOTA HAIR ALL OVER HIS LEGSA HE LOOKS LIKA GORILLA." THE MOTHER SAID," THATSA YOUR HUSBAND, THATSA YOUR HUSBAND, YOU GO UPA STAIRS, YOU GO UPA STAIRS." THE DAUGHTER WENT AGAIN AS TOLD UP STAIRS. WHEN SHE GOT THERE, SHE PULLED OFF HER HUSBANDS BOOTS AND SAW THAT HER HUSBAND HAD ONE FOOT AND THE OTHER WAS CUT OFF FROM THE WAR. THE DAUGHTER RAN DOWN STAIRS AND SAID, " MOMA MOMA HE GOT A FOOT AND A HALF." THE MOTHER REPLIED,' YOU STAY HERE, I GO UPA STAIRS!"
~~~ Kid's Answers to questions on Marriage ~~~
What exactly is marriage? (Too many adults can't answer this!)
"Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don't have to give her back to her parents!" - Eric, 6
"When somebody's been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says to her, 'I'll take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get divorced, but you got to do one particular thing for me.' Then she says yes, but she's wondering what the thing is and whether it's naughty or not. She can't wait to find out." - Anita, 9
Picky! Picky! How does a person decide whom to marry?
"You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one." - Kally, 9
"My mother says to look for a man who is kind....That's what I'll do....I'll find somebody who's kinda tall and handsome." - Carolyn, 8
We have a wide range of opinion on the proper age to get married;
"Eighty-four! Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore,and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom." - Carolyn, 8
"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife!" - Bert, 5
So tell us, how did your Mom & Dad meet?
"They were at a dance party at a friend's house. Then they went for a drive, but their car broke down...It was a good thing, because it gave them a chance to find out about their values." - Lottie, 9
"My father was doing some strange chores for my mother. They won't tell me what kind." - Jeremy, 8
What Do Most People Do on a Date?
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." - Martin, 10
"Many daters just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about love." - Craig, 9
Smoochers! When is it okay to kiss someone??
"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." - Allan, 10
"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you....If nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours." - Kally, 9
> From a kids' perspective, is it better to be single or >married??
"You should ask the people who read Cosmopolitan!" - Kirsten, 10
"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them!" - Anita, 9
"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." - Will, 7
- Source Unknown
A man escapes from prison where,he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house & breaks into it looking for money, guns & food. But only finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed & ties him up in a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed, he gets on top of her & kisses her on the neck. Then gets up & goes into the bathroom. while he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes ! He has obviously been inside for sometime & hasn't seen a woman for years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, just do what he wants & give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he could kill us. Be strong honey & remember I love you." To which his wife replied "He was not kissing my neck, he was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay & that he thought you were attractive & asked me if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong honey & remember I love you too."
R K Singh
Joined: Oct 15, 2001
Little Johnny keeps asking his Dad for a television in his bedroom, to which his Dad keeps saying "No".
After all the nagging, he agrees and says, "OK".
Several nights later Johnny comes downstairs and asks,
"Dad, what's Love, Juice?"
Dad is horrified, and after looking at Mum who's also gob smacked, proceeds to give his son the whole works, warts and all.
Johnny now sits on sofa with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad asks, "So, what is it you've been watching then Son?"
After a long night of making love this guy rolls over, was looking around when he noticed a framed picture of another man on the night stand by the bed.
Naturally, the guy began to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" He said hoping to be reassured.
No. no. no!!!" She said
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the surgery."
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either, just f#&k off and leave me alone. 2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre. 3. The darkest hours come just before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's milk and newspaper, that's the time to do it. 4. When we are born we are naked, wet, hungry, and we get smacked on our arse. From thereon in, life gets worse. 5. Don't aspire to become irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. 6. Remember, no-one is listening until you fart. 7. Never forget that like everyone else, you are unique. 8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet. 9. If you think nobody cares whether you're dead or alive, try missing a couple of mortgage payments. 10. Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you judge them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. 11. If at first you don't succeed, avoid skydiving. 12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. 13. Have you ever lent someone $20 and never seen that person again? It was probably worth it. 14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. 15. Some days we are the flies; some days we are the windscreen. 16. Remember not to forget that which you do not need to know. 17. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. 18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket. 19. A closed mouth gathers no feet. 20. There are two theories about how to win an argument with a woman. Neither one works. 21. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much if your lips are moving. 22. Never miss a good chance to shut up. 23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Molly Meldrum, Robbie Williams and Kylie Minogue went for a night on the town, as they left the night-club, Kylie, half-pissed, slipped and got her head stuck between the railings of the fence opposite the club. Robbie decided to take full advantage of this and lifted up her little skirt, pushed her thong to one side and gave her a good seeing to. "It's your turn now, Molly" grinned Robbie, but Molly started crying. Robbie asked, "Why are you crying, Molly? What's wrong?" Molly sobbed, "My head won't fit between the railings!!!"
Been Caught Cheating
A woman came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged her husband down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vise. She then secured it tightly and removed the handle.
Next she picked up a hacksaw.
The husband terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off are you?"
The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, said, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire." __________________________________________
The Last Chicken
A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says, "Sir, I'm afraid there has been a mistake. You see that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the same dish. The problem with this is that this is the last chicken in the house. I'm afraid I'll have to take this dish to him and arrange for another dish for you!"
The guy gets really upset and refuses to give up his food. The waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation to the officer.
A few minutes later the officer walks over to the man's table and says, "Listen up, pal. That is MY chicken you are about to eat and I'll warn you whatever you do to that chicken I'll do the same to you. You pull out one of its legs, I'll pull out one of yours. You break one of its wings, I'll break one of your arms!"
The man calmly looks at the chicken, then sticks his middle finger in the bird's rectum pulls it out and licks it. He then gets up, drops his pants, bends over and says, "Your turn!" __________________________________________
Sam and Bessie Goldberg are senior citizens, and, Sam always wanted an expensive pair of cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys a pair and wears them home, asking Bessie, "So, do you notice anything different about me?"
"What's different? It's the same shirt you wore yesterday, and the same pants. What's different?"
Frustrated, Sam goes into the bathroom, undresses and comes out completely naked, wearing only his new boots. Again, he says, "Bessie, do you notice anything different about me?"
"What's different, Sam? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and will be hanging down tomorrow."
Angrily, Sam yells, "DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN? Cause it's looking at my NEW BOOTS!"
Bessie replies, "You shoulda bought a hat!" __________________________________________
THE FIRST AFFAIR
There was a middle-age couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. The couple decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and, sure enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to find the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the father of the child.
"Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered," he cried. Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"
The wife smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time." _____________________________________________________________
THE SECOND AFFAIR
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr Schwartz, he made an amazing discovery - Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry, Mr Schwartz," said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity." And with that the coroner used his scalpel to remove the dead man's privates.
The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, opening his briefcase.
"Oh, my God!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!" _____________________________________________________________
THE THIRD AFFAIR
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner!" She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder."Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.
Around 2 a.m., the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the statue, "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water." _____________________________________________________________
THE FOURTH AFFAIR
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bartender and asks for a beer. "Certainly, sir," replies the bartender. "That'll be 1 cent." "ONE CENT!" exclaims the customer. The barman replies, "Yes."
So the guy glances over the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak with chips, peas and a fried egg?" "Certainly, sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the guy. "Four cents," the bartender replies. "FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The bartender replies, "Upstairs with my wife." The guy asks, "What's he doing with your wife?" The bartender replies, "Same as I'm doing to his business." _____________________________________________________________
THE FIFTH AFFAIR
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face.Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly, "My darling Becky," he whispered.
"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Shhh, don't talk." He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something I must confess to you." "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky.
"Everything's all right. Go to sleep." "No, no, I must die in peace, Becky. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother!"
"I know," Becky whispered softly, "That's why I poisoned you." _____________________________________________________________
THE SIXTH AFFAIR
An elderly gent was invited to his old friend's home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms - "Honey," "My Love," "Darling," "Sweetheart," "Pumpkin," etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.
While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names."
The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said "I forgot her name about 10 years ago."
> Not even Bill Gates can explain this one! > > Open a Word document and type > = rand (200,99) > Press Enter and wait 3 seconds... >
Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the play ground and go into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane in a "Passionate Embrace." Little Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly....
"MOMMY-MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAY-GROUND-AND-DADDY-AND.." Mommy tells him to slow down. She wants to hear the story. So Little Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.
I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy.." At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table, Mommy asks Little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny starts his story, describing the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and....."then Daddy and Aunt Jane did the same thing that Mommy, and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Marine Corps!" (Sometimes you just need to listen to the whole story, before you interrupt!)
Dilbert's Words of Wisdom
1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow's not looking good either.
2. I love deadlines. I especially love the swooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
3. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
4. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
5. Someday we'll look back on this and plow into a parked car.
6. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
7. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
8. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
9. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.
10. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
11. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and thought to myself - "Where the hell is the ceiling???"
12. My reality check bounced.
13. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
14. I don't suffer from stress - I'm a carrier . . .
15. You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through Peanut Butter!
16. Don't meddle in the affairs of dragons, cuz, like, you're crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
17. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo... And,
18. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
Maggie lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten out of her mourning stage. Her daughter is constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Maggie says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies, "Mama! I have someone for you to meet."
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. Their first night there, she undresses as he does. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties, he in his birthday suit. Looking at her he asks, "Why the black panties?" She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning." He knows he's not getting lucky that night.
The following night, the same scenario. She's standing there with the black panties on, and he is in his birthday suit, except that on his erection he has a black condom. She looks at him and asks, "What's with this... a black condom?" He replies, "I want to offer my deepest condolences.
> > > In case you haven't read this already..... > > > > > > A stranger was seated next to Johnny on the plane when > > the stranger turned to Johnny and said, "Let's talk, I've > > heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a > > conversation with your fellow passenger." > > > > Johnny, who had just opened a book that he wanted to > > read,closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What > > would you like to discuss?" > > > > "Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about > > nuclear power?" > > > > "OK," said Johnny. "That could be an interesting > > topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a > > deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes > > little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a > > horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose > > that is?" > > > > "Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea." > > > > "Well, then," said Johnny, "How is it that you feel > > qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?" > > > >
How do u CUT roads??? By LAUGHING..... Because "Haste Haste Cut jaye Raste" ==================================================================
Luv and Kush are going to a village & in between comes A well. Luv falls into the well. Why??? Because Luv (love) is blind !!! Now , Kush also jumps inside. Why?? Because Luv ke liye saala kush bhi karega!!!
=================================================================== > Jackie Chan ki saas ka naam kya hai?.. ??? socho....... nahi pata..?? Answer- D'Cold......Chan ki saans - D'cold
Chalo ab batao Jackie Chan ki bahu ka naam kya hai ? This is quite simple.. ..... Ans: D'Cold again.......Kyunki saans bhi kabhi bahu thi :-)) =================================================================
A beggar meets another beggar. A software engineer meets another software engineer. Both of them ask the same question to each other. What is the question ???
So, Which Platform are you Working on ???.... ================================================================
Question: What will u call a person who is leaving India?? Answer : Hindustan Lever (Leaver).
Question: What will u call a person who leaves India, but doesn't travel much?? Answer: Hindustan Lever Ltd (Limited). =================================================================
Q - RAM SITA HAI ... TO RAM KAUN HAI ?? Ans: TAILOR
Q - SITA RAM HAI TO SITA KAUN HAI Ans: Sita MEMORY hai ==================================================================
Q -Kalidas ka ek bhai joote banata tha us ka naam kya tha ? Ans: Adidas. ==================================================================
Q - Prasad asks Kumble to bring a pepsi... Kumble brings a bottle of pepsi but goes directly to Tendulkar. why ?? why ?? :-) Ans: Tendulkar is an opener
Q - What is similarity between "Satynarayan Pooja" and "Indian Cricket Team" Ans: Dono ke ant me "Prasad" aataa hai ==================================================================
Q - Who is Joe? "Kambakth ishq" - Because "Kambakth ishq hai Joe!"
--------------------------------------------------- [ May 22, 2004: Message edited by: R K Singh ]
SICKNESS: No excuse. We will no longer accept your doctor's statement as proof. We believe that if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
AN OPERATION: We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage any thoughts that you may need an operation. We believe that as long as you are an employee here, you will need all of whatever you have and should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for.
DEATH: Other than your own: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for them, and we are sure that someone else can attend to the arrangements. However, if the funeral can be held in the late afternoon, we will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently let you leave 1 hour early, provided your share of the work is ahead enough to keep the job going in your absence.
DEATH (YOUR OWN): This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as we feel it is your duty to train your replacement.
ALSO: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with "A" will go from 8:00-8:15, and so on. If you're unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again.
We appreciate your cooperation, THE MANAGEMENT [ May 26, 2004: Message edited by: Ashik uzzaman ]
Ashik Uzzaman Senior Software Engineer, TubeMogul, Emeryville, CA, USA.
Originally posted by Ashik uzzaman: [QB]Sick Leave poilicy
ALSO: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with "A" will go from 8:00-8:15, and so on. If you're unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again...
To: All employees From: Team Leader Subject: Restroom Trip Policy
In the past, employees have been permitted to make trips to the restroom under informal guidelines. Effective today, a restroom trip policy will be established to provide a more consistent method for accounting for each employee's time and ensuring equal treatment of employees. Under the policy, a "restroom trip bank" will be established for each employee. The first day of each month, employees will be given a restroom trip credit of twenty (20) trips. Restroom trip credits can be accumulated from month to month. Within two (2) weeks, the entrances to all restrooms will be equipped with personnel identification stations and computer linked voice print recognition devices. Before the end of June, each employee must provide two copies of voice prints (one normal, one under stress) to Human Resources. The voice print stations will be operational, but not restrictive, for the month of June. Employees should acquaint themselves with the station during this period. If the employee's restroom bank reaches zero, the doors to the restroom will not unlock for that employee's voice until the first of the next month. In addition, all restroom stalls are being equipped with timed toilet tissue retractors. If the stall is occupied for more than three (3) minutes, an alarm will sound. Thirty (30) seconds after the alarm sounds, the roll of toilet paper will retract into the wall, the toilet will flush, and the stall door will open. If you do not leave within fifteen (15) seconds, your picture will be taken. The picture will then be posted on the <department> bulletin boards. Anyone whose picture shows up three (3) times will be immediately terminated. If you have any questions about this policy, please advise your supervisor; they have all received advance instructions. [ May 26, 2004: Message edited by: Avi Nash ]
R K Singh
Joined: Oct 15, 2001
Originally posted by Tanga Palti: Ravish was playing chess . Ashik was watching the game
Ravish was playing chess with Tan Tan was also playing on behalf of his partner
Monica Lewinsky virus: Sucks all the memory out of your computer.
Ronald Reagan virus: Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.
Mike Tyson virus: Quits after one byte.
Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB.
Lorena Bobbit virus: Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy.
Dr. Jack Kevorkian virus: Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them.
Ellen Degeneres virus: Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC.
Titanic virus: Makes your whole computer go down.
Disney virus: Everything in the computer goes Goofy.
Prozac virus: Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care.
Sharon Stone virus: Makes a huge initial impact, then you forget it's there.
Tim Allen virus: Appears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive upon contact.
HBO virus: Runs the same programs over and over, week after week after week.
Woody Allen virus: Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card.
NFL Blackout virus: Will only let you run progams on a remote terminal that's more than 75 miles away.
Linda Tripp virus: Makes copies of your personal files and forwards them to the authorities.
Bill Clinton virus: Won't let you query the system for information.
Rush Limbaugh virus: Biases everything to the right.
Ken Starr virus: Expands a focused search of a specific file into a global interregation of every existing file. Creates links between unrelated data. Works extremely slow while searching and compiling results.
Al Gore virus: Runs quietly in background mode but doesn't appear to really do much of anything.
Saddam Hussein virus: Won't let you into any of your programs.
Tonya Harding virus: Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons.
George Michael virus: Runs its course, occasionally releasing excess data buildup.
Joey Buttafuoco virus: Only attacks minor files.
Jerry Seinfeld virus: Program about nothing that exits when you're really enjoying it.
David Caruso NYPD Blue virus: After running successfully for a while, it exits the program it was in and never works again.
Pee Wee Herman virus: Exposes your confidential files to everyone.
X-files virus: All your Icons start shape shifting.
Spice Girl virus: Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop.
AT&T virus: Every 3 minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back. [ June 02, 2004: Message edited by: Ashik uzzaman ]
1. Maxine on "Driver Safety" - "I can't use the cell phone in the car. I have to keep my hands free for making gestures."
2. Maxine on "Life" - "Life is like an oven. It burns my buns."
3. Maxine on "Lawn Care" - "The key to a nice-looking lawn is a good mower. I recommend one who is muscular and shirtless."
4. Maxine on "Body Piercing" - "I'd get my tongue pierced, but I still have a little bit of brain left in my head."
5. Maxine on "the Perfect Man" - "All I'm looking for is a guy who'll do what I want, when I want, for as long as I want, and then go away. Or wait nearby, like a Dust Buster, charged up and ready when needed."
6. Maxine on "Work" - "My performance at work has really improved over the years. Now I can nail a co-worker with a paper-clip shot from a rubber band at 20 yards."
7. Maxine on "the Technology Revolution" - "My idea of rebooting is kicking somebody in the butt twice."
8. Maxine on "Aging" - "Take every birthday with a grain of salt. This works much better if the salt accompanies a large margarita."
1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers. 2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door. 3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there. 4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone. 5. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway. 6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart. 7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable. 8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types. 9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it. 10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener. 11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital. 12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions. 13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque books. 14. Remember a sense of humour does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his. 15. Sadly, all men are created equal.
If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman If you don't, you are not a man If you praise her, she thinks you are lying If you don't, you are good for nothing If you agree to all her likes, you are a wimp If you don't, you are not understanding If you visit her often, she thinks it is boring If you don't, she accuses you of double-crossing If you are well dressed, she says you are a playboy If you don't, you are a dull boy If you are jealous, she says it's bad If you don't, she thinks you do not love her
If you attempt a romance, she says you didn't respect her If you don't, she thinks you do not like her If you are a minute late, she complains it's hard to wait If she is late, she says that's a girl's way If you visit another man, you're not putting in "quality time" If she is visited by another woman, "oh it's natural, we are girls" If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold If you kiss her often, she yells that you are taking advantage If you fail to help her in crossing the street, you lack ethics
If you do, she thinks it's just one of men's tactics for seduction If you stare at another woman, she accuses you of flirting If she is stared by other men, she says that they are just admiring If you talk, she wants you to listen If you listen, she wants you to talk
So simple, yet so complex So weak, yet so powerful So confusing, yet so desirable So damning, yet so wonderful...
A few minutes before the services started in a church, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the exits, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan strode up to the man and said, "Do you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Do you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying,AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope," said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked,
"Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."
A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves. A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy leaves. A week later the same guy sticks his head in the �shop �and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then doesn't come back." A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house! Your wife is alone there!"
R K Singh
Joined: Oct 15, 2001
------------------------- The Hypnotist -------------------------
A woman has had serious headaches for several years and has tried everything; been to several doctors and nothing has worked until one day she was having lunch with a friend who referred her to a hypnotist who, according to her friend "works wonders on anything."
The woman comes home from the hypnotist and tells her husband, "remember those headaches I have been having all of these years? Well, they are gone."
"No more headaches?!?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache, I DO NOT have a headache. I DO NOT have a headache." Believe it or not, it worked! The headaches are all gone."
The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last several years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"
The husband is unsure he wants to do that, but agrees to try it. Following his appointment with the hypnotist, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He rips off her clothes, puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move. I'll be right back." He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps on the bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Boy that was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back". He goes back into the bathroom, comes back a few minutes later for round 2 with his wife--even better than the first time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning. "This is really great!" Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that he goes back in the bathroom.
This time his wife follows and sees him through the open crack in the door standing at the mirror and saying, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's NOT my wife!"
During an International conference, three scientists, an American, a German, and an Indian, were talking and bragging about the technological advances their respective countries have achieved in the field of medicine.
The American said "In Washington, there was a baby boy born without arms so we attached artificial arms on him. And now that he's grown up and became a professional boxer and a gold medallist in the Olympics!"
The German replied, "That's nothing compared to what we have achieved. Back in Berlin, there was a baby girl born without legs so we attached a pair of artificial legs on her. Now she is a three-time Olympics marathon gold medallist!"
The Indian interjected, "Is that all you have achieved , just gold medallists? In Patna, Bihar, we had a baby boy born without a HEAD! We attached a COCONUT and he has grown up and now he is the railway minister of india!!
7 Engineers and 7 Doctors are going from PUNE to Mumbai. So they both gather at Pune Station.Both groups are desperately trying to prove their superiority.
SCENE 1 (PUNE- MUMBAI) : --------------------------------------- 7 engineers take only 1 Ticket and 7 doctors buy all 7 tickets.. Doctors are desperately waiting for TC to come...... When TC arrives, All 7 Engineers get in one toilet SO when TC knocks , one hand come out with the ticket and the TC goes away....Doctors say "Dekh lenge"
NOW on return Journey All of them don't get a direct train to PUNE. So they all decide to take a Passenger till Lonavala, from there they can easily get a LOCAL to PUNE
SCENE 2 (MUMBAI - LONAVALA) : ---------------------------------------------
Doctors decided, "this time we will prove that we too are equally SHAANE"....All 7 Doctors take 1 Ticket Engineers don't buy any ticket at all!!!.. TC arrives.... ALL DOCTORS IN ONE TOILET.ALL ENGINEERS IN THE OPPOSITE ONE..
One engineer gets out and knocks the door of Doctors toilet, One hand comes with the tickets, he takes the ticket and comes in engg Bathroom...
TC DRIVES out ALL the doctors from the toilet and they are heavily fined........ tai tai fissssssss..
SCENE 3 ( LONAVALA) : ----------------------------------------- SO now both the group r on LONAVALA station. Doctors planning their move for last chance, they board the local to Pune.
This time doctors decide that they will play the same(1 ticket) trick.
ALL Doctors take 1 tickets...Engineers BUY all 7 tickets this time... SO TC Comes.. All Engineers showed their tickets.....
Doctors are still searching for toilet in the LOCAL train...........
Conclusion: Technically intelligent ppl r geniuses, don't mess with Engineers.
Everyone on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says,"I want the men to form two queues - one line for the men who dominated their women,and the other one for the men who were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go away so that no man and woman can talk." Next time God comes back, the women are gone, and there are two lines. The line for the men who were dominated by their women is 100 miles long, and in the line of men who dominated their women there is only one man.
God gets mad and says, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons who stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
The man replies, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."
R K Singh
Joined: Oct 15, 2001
PRETTY SMART "OLDER" WOMEN!!!
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see....Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
MORAL: Don't Mess With Old Ladies
A Gujarati man and a Bengali woman who have never met before find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a train. After the initial embarrassment and uneasiness, they both go to sleep. The Gujarati man in the upper berth, and the Bengali woman in the lower berth.
In the middle of the night the Gujarati man leans over, wakes the Bengali woman and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly reach over and get me another blanket." The Bengali woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye says, "I have better idea. Just for tonight let's pretend that we are married." The Gujarati man happily says, "OK! AWESOME!"
Then the Bengali woman says "GOOD..... Get your own blanket, sleep besides me and turn your head other way."
Regular naps prevent old age... especially if you take them while driving. ==================================================== Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee. ===================================================== Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is husband ! ===================================================== I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash ================================================== A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms. ==================================================== Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent. ================================================= Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without,,, but whatever you do, you'll regret it later. =================================================== You can't buy love . . . but you pay heavily for it =================================================== True friends stab you in the front ==================================================== Forgiveness is giving up my right to hate you for hurting me. ================================================= Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote. ==================================================== Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired ================================================= Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway. ================================================= My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me. ================================================= Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others. ================================================= Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner. ================================================= A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person. ================================================= You're getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them. ================================================= It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss. ================================================= Early to bed, early to rise, your girl goes out with other guys. ================================================= Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books. ================================================= Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you. ================================================= Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something ================================================= They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak
Joined: May 07, 2001
Some Home Remedies
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs.. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
4. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad tooth ache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will forget about the tooth ache.
Joined: Nov 26, 2003
Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons.The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour,the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ....what? (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did. [ July 01, 2004: Message edited by: Sadanand Murthy ] [ July 01, 2004: Message edited by: Sadanand Murthy ]
Joined: Nov 26, 2003
Two cowboys from Texas walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail dust from their throats. They stand at the bar, drinking a beer and talking about the current cow prices.
Suddenly a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the cowboys looks at her and says, "Kin ya swaller?" The woman shakes her head no. "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head. The cowboy walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her panties and slowly runs his tongue from the back of her thigh up to the small of her back. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the cowboy walks slowly back to the bar and takes a drink from his beer.
His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there Hind Lick maneuver, but I ain't never seen nobody do it before."
Joined: Nov 26, 2003
Several cannibals were recently hired by a big corporation. "You are all part of our team now," said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can use the cafeteria, but please don't eat any of the other employees". The cannibals promised they wouldn't.
Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your performance. However, one of our secretaries has recently disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals all shook their heads no.
After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "OK, which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" One cannibal reluctantly raised his hand, to which the leader of the cannibals continued, "You fool! for four weeks we've been eating Managers and no one noticed anything, then you had to go and eat a secretary!"
R K Singh
Joined: Oct 15, 2001
It's a fine sunny day in the forest, and a rabbit is sitting outside his burrow, tippy-tapping on his typewriter.
Along comes a fox, out for a walk. Fox: "What are you working on?" Rabbit: "My thesis." Fox: "Hmm... What is it about?" Rabbit: "Oh, I'm writing about how rabbits eat foxes." Fox: "That's ridiculous! Any fool knows that rabbits don't eat foxes!" Rabbit: "Come with me and I'll show you!"
They both disappear into the rabbit's burrow.
After few minutes, gnawing on a fox bone, the rabbit returns to his typewriter and resumes typing.
Soon a wolf comes along and stops to watch the hardworking rabbit.
Wolf: "What's that you are writing?" Rabbit: "I'm doing a thesis on how rabbits eat wolves." Wolf: "you don't expect to get such rubbish published, do you?" Rabbit: "No problem. Do you want to see why?"
The rabbit and the wolf go into the burrow and again the rabbit returns by himself, after a few minutes, and goes back to typing.
Finally a bear comes along and asks, "What are you doing? Rabbit: "I'm doing a thesis on how rabbits eat bears." Bear: "Well that's absurd! Rabbit: "Come into my home and I'll show you"
As they enter the burrow, the rabbit introduces the bear to the lion.
Moral: IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW SILLY YOUR THESIS TOPIC IS. WHAT MATTERS IS WHO YOU HAVE FOR A SUPERVISOR.
In the context of the working world: IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW BAD YOUR PERFORMANCE IS; WHAT MATTERS IS WHETHER YOUR BOSS LIKES YOU.
R K Singh
Joined: Oct 15, 2001
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then: H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E 11+14++23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But, A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And, B-U-L-L-S-*-*-T 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you. A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close and Attitude will get you there, Bull***t and Ass kissing will put you over the top.
Tansen was a high ranking official in King Akbar's court. However he had one longstanding wish - to suck the queen's voluptuous breasts to his heart's desire.
Every time he passed the queen he would get frustrated. He revealed his desire to Birbal one day, and begged him to do something aboutit. Birbal, after much thought, agreed on the condition that Tansen could suck the breasts to his desire but later he would have to pay Birbal 1000 gold coins for it.Tansen agreed.
The next day Birbal prepared a high voltage itching lotion and poured it into the queen's bra while she was taking a bath. Soon the itching started and grew in intensity much to the king's anxiety.
Consultations with doctors and Birbal revealed that a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure it. Birbal also added that such a saliva was only in Tansen 's mouth. Akbar summoned Tansen and for the next 4 hours Tansen violently sucked the queen's breasts. Licking, biting, pressing, playing he got what he always desired. Satisfied he returned back and met Birbal, but in his lust and since his mission was over, he refused to pay Birbal anything and in fact shooed him away.
Tansen of course knew that Birbal could never report this matter to the emperor since he was instrumental in it himself. What Tansen did not know was what Birbal would do the next day......
These are supposedly supervisor quotes taken from employee performance evaluations: 1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig." 2. "I would not allow this employee to breed." 3. "This employee is really not much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be." 4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap." 5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change feet." 6. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle." 7. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy." 8. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them." 9. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot." 10. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better." 11. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together." 12. "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus." 13. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier." 14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime." 15. "He's been working with glue too much." 16. "He would argue with a signpost." 17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room." 18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell." 19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one." 20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on." 21. "A prime candidate for natural DE-selection." 22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it." 23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming." 24. "He's got two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for it." 25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week." 26. "If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change." 27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean." 28. It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm." 29. "One neuron short of a synapse." 30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled." 31. "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes." 32. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."
Q: What's the difference between cricketers and condoms? A: Cricketers drop the catches and condoms catches the drops.
Q: What is the difference between riding a bicycle and a woman? A: Riding a bicycle you fix your ass & move your legs, riding a woman you fix your legs & move your ass.
Q: What makes a happy man? A: Daughter is on the cover of Vogue, son on the cover of Sports Illustrated, mistress on the cover of Playboy and wife on the cover of Missing persons.
Q: What three things are common between the sun and woman's underwear? A: Both are hot, both look better while going down and both disappear at night.
Q: Why do men ask for a woman's hand in marriage? A: Because they are tired of using their own.
Q: What's common between men and video? A: Both go backward... forward... backward...forward... backward.... forward... stop and eject.
Q: What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period? A: Your salary, it comes once a month lasts about 5-7 days and if it doesn't come means you are in big trouble...
Q: What goes in dry, comes out wet, and gives warm satisfaction? A: A teabag.
7 qualities to be a perfect wife: Beautiful, Responsible, Energetic, Adorable, Sweet, Truthful and Self-Organized. In short, she must have good B.R.E.A.S.T.S
Q: Who is a gynecologist ? A: He is the only fool on the earth who looks for problems in a place,where most people find pleasure.
R K Singh
Joined: Oct 15, 2001
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her own head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it." The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!" _______________________________________________________________________
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father is a pharmacist." _______________________________________________________________________
At 3 AM a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens.
"It opens at noon" answers the clerk.
About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker.
"What time does the bar open?" he asks.
"Same time as before... Noon." replies the clerk.
Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered "Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?"
The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room service send something up to you."
There once were two Irishmen, named Shawn and Pat, who were the best of friends. During one particular night of revelry, the two agreed that when one passed on, theother would take and spill the contents of a bottle of fine, Irish whiskey over the grave of the fondly missed and recently dead friend. And as fate would have it, Shawn would be the first to pass. Pat, hearing of his friend's illness, came to visit his dear friend one last time. "Shawn, said Pat, can you hear me?" Faintly, Shawn replied, "Yes, Paddy, I can." Bashfully, Pat started, "Do you remember our pact, Shawn?" "Yes, I do Patty," Shawn strained. "And, you'll also remember that I was to pour the contents of a fine, old bottle of whiskey over your grave, which we have been saving for, going on 30 years now?" said Pat. "Yes Patty, I do," whispered Shawn. "It's a very old bottle now, you know," urged Pat. "And what are you gettin' at Pat?" asked Shawn, briskly. "Well Shawn, when I pour the whiskey over your grave, would ya mind if I filter it through my kidneys first?" _______________________________________________________________________
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. "Johnny wait until we say our prayer," his mother reminded him. "I don't have to," the boy replied. "Of course, you do," his mother insisted. "We say a prayer before eating at our house." "That's at our house," Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house, and she knows how to cook!" _____________________________________________________________________
The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and as she bends over to place her ball a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. "Good God! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded. "Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford to buy any." The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency here's 50 pounds, go and buy yourself some underwear." Next the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt blows up to show that she is wearing no undies "Bejesus woman. You've no knickers - why not?" She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me." He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency here's 20 pounds, go and buy yourself some underwear!" Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she too is naked under it. "Hoot, lassie! Why d'ye have no knickers?" She too explains, "You don't give me enough housekeeping money to be able to afford any." The Scot reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency here's a comb. Tidy yourself up a bit!" _____________________________________________________________________
Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite his 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night. Lulu, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.
After the show, Lulu said, "Sean, if Ah'm no bein too forward, Ah'd love tae have sex wi an aulder man. Let's go back tae mah place."
So they go back to her place and have great sex. Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have even better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my bawls in your left hand and my wullie in your right hand."
Lulu looks a bit perplexed, but says, "Okay."
He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before.
Then Sean says, "Lulu, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. But again, you must hold my bawls in your left hand, and my wullie in your right hand."
Lulu is now used to the routine and complies. The results are mind blowing.
Once it's all over, and the cigarettes are lit, Lulu asks "Sean, tell me, dis mah haudin yer bawls in mah left hand and yer wullie in mah right stimulate ye while ye're sleepin?"
Sean replies, "No, but the lasht time I shlept with a Glashwegian, she shtole my wallet _____________________________________________________________________
The Rewards Of A Healthy Lifestyle
The couple was 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade. One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven. They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now."
The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "Why, nothing," Peter replied, "remember, this is your reward in Heaven."
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.
"What are the greens fees?" grumbled the old man.
"This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play for free, every day."
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages. "Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the man. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy."
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked. "That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This IS Heaven!"
The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at?" "Not unless you want to," was the answer. "No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..." "Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself." The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your fucking bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!" _____________________________________________________________________
A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant and while sitting at his regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting all alone at a nearby table. He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her, knowing that, if she accepts it, she is his. The waiter gets the bottle and quickly brings it over to the woman, saying this is from the gentleman over there. She looks at the wine and sends a note over to the man. Her note reads: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and seven inches in your pants."
The man, after reading her note, chuckles, and sends a note of his own back to her. His note reads: "Just so you know, I happen to have a Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850, and a Mercedes 600 SL, in my garage. I have over twenty five million dollars in the bank. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off.
JUST SEND THE BOTTLE BACK."
Joined: May 07, 2001
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
Joined: Nov 26, 2003
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgery. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Cuddles has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.
"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!", she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been only $20, but what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan ...."
Joined: Feb 16, 2001
One day, a girl, 16yrs old, heard from her mother that if she will do a regular prayer for 4 yrs, a divine "Devi" will come to her dreams & give her 3 boons(Varadaan). So she decided to do it. She completed 4 yrs successfully, doing prayer regularly.
Now it was a day for "Devi" to come. So she slept earlier with thoughts in her mind to ask.
And, really a "Devi" comes in her dreams. Now this is the dialogue between them.
Devi: O Girl, you prayed to me regularly within last 4 yrs, so I am very very happy with you. I will complete any of your 3 wishes. You can ask anything you like, but there is one condition.
Girl: Condition!, what is that?
Devi: You have a boy-friend?
Devi: When you were doing a prayer, he was waiting for you, so he also sacrificed same as you. Moreover, he didnt know anything about boon and all, so he is also eligible for the boons. So whatever you will ask, he will get 10 times more than that of you. If you are agreed, then proceed for the 1st boon.
Girl: (After thinking for some time ... ): Yes, I am ready.
Girl: 1st, Make me 10 times richer than the richest person in the world.
Devi: But your boy-friend will be 10 times richer than you.
Girl: It's OK.
Devi: Be as you wish!
Girl: 2nd, Make me 10 times more beautiful than the most beautiful girl in the world.
Devi: But your boy-friend will be 10 times handsome than the most handsome boy in the world.
Girl: It's OK.
Devi: Be as you wish.
Devi: Now the last boon remains.
Girl: O Devi, please give me a MILD HEART-ATTACK.
Devi: What? Are you sure!
Girl: Yes. Very sure!
Devi: Be as you wish.
what happened to her boy-friend, he got a severe heart-attack & died at once, while the girl remained alive. Thus, the girl became the world's most beautiful girl and the richest one, too.
Moral of the story: So intelligent the girls are! Girls are really more intelligent than we believe about them to be. So be careful boys!
Now, girls please stop reading ... boys continue till the end of the mail
****** ****** ****** ****** ****** ****** ****** ****** ****** ****** ****** ****** ****** ****** ****** ****** ****** ****** ****** ****** ****** ****** ****** ****** ****** ****** ****** ****** ****** ****** ****** ****** ****** ****** ****** ****** Dear boys, dont worry, actually what happened is something different than what you all think!
Actually, the girl's boy-friend got a heart-attack, 10 TIMES MILDER than that of the girl. So the boy-friend lived longer than the girl, being world's richest and the most handsome boy.
Moral of the story:
By reading this girls u know urselves that u wont listen to others words..(just kidding) Dear boys, the girls are not really that much intelligent than what we believe them to be. So dont worry if you think that you have girl-friend, intelligent than you.
Remember ABBOTT and COSTELLO Jokes? In today's world, Bud ABBOTT and Lou COSTELLO's famous sketch "Who's on first?" might have turned out something like this....
ABBOTT and COSTELLO Buy A Computer
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT . . . .
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you? COSTELLO: Thanks.I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer. ABBOTT: Mac? COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou. ABBOTT: Your computer? COSTELLO: I don't own a computer.I want to buy one. ABBOTT: Mac? COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou. ABBOTT: What about Windows? COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here? ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows? COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows? ABBOTT: Wallpaper. COSTELLO: Never mind the windows.I need a computer and software. ABBOTT: Software for Windows? COSTELLO: No. On the computer!I need something I can use to write proposals,track expenses and run my business. What have you got? ABBOTT: Office. COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything? ABBOTT: I just did. COSTELLO: You just did what? ABBOTT: Recommend something. COSTELLO: You recommended something? ABBOTT: Yes. COSTELLO: For my office? ABBOTT: Yes. COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office? ABBOTT: Office. COSTELLO: Yes, for my office! ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows. COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, lets just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need? ABBOTT: Word. COSTELLO: What word? ABBOTT: Word in Office. COSTELLO: The only word in office is office. ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows. COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows? ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W". COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet? ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One. COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need! ABBOTT: Real One. COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I also want to see reel 2, 3 & 4. Can I watch them? ABBOTT: Of course. COSTELLO: Great! With what? ABBOTT: Real One. COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do? ABBOTT: You click the blue "1". COSTELLO: I click the blue one what? ABBOTT: The blue "1". COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w? ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word. COSTELLO: What word? ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows. COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows"! ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world. COSTELLO: It is? ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there. COSTELLO: And that word is real one? ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office. COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: I need money to track my money? ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer? ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge. COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much? ABBOTT: One copy. COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money? ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy money. COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money? ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
A FEW DAYS LATER . . ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you? COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off? ABBOTT: Click on "START"..........
Joined: May 07, 2001
Who's doing the "Work"?
The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.
14,800,000 people work for State and City Governments. That leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Given that there are 1,211,998 people in prisons, that leaves just two people to do the work, you and me.
And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes!
R K Singh
Joined: Oct 15, 2001
This is a memo to Indian staff This one is extremely funny. And what makes it funnier is the fact that it is a REAL memo from Microsoft.
Every word here is quite intact and no word has been altered."urn:schemas-microsoft-com ffice ffice"
MEMO TO INDIAN STAFF:
In view of the large number of Indians working in the USA, UK and many other countries with White People, it has become important for Human Resource Directors to issue directives to their Indian staff.
Hindi-speaking staff - It has been brought to our attention by several officials visiting our corporate headquarters that offensive language is commonly used by our Hindi-speaking staff. Such behavior, in addition to violating our policy, is highly unprofessional and offensive to both visitors and colleagues.
Staff will IMMEDIATELY adhere to the following rules:
Words like "CHUTIYA, GANDU" and other such expressions will not be used for emphasis, no matter how heated the discussion. You will not say "CHUTIYE AKKAL NAHI HAI KYA TEREKO" when someone makes a mistake, or "MADAR CHOD, BHENCHOD" when a major mistake has been made.
All forms derived from the verb "CHOD" are inappropriate in our environment. No project manager, section head or administrator, under any circumstances, will be referred to as "GADDHA", or "CHUTIYA".
Lack of determination will not be referred to as KAAMCHOR SALA. A persons who lack initiative should not be referred to as "AALSI BHOSADIKAA",
Do not say "GAND FATI NA", if a colleague is going through a difficult situation. Furthermore, you must not say "BHOSADE MEIN GAYA" when matters become complicated.
When asking someone to leave you alone, you must not say "CHAL PHUTT". Do not ever substitute 'May I help you?' with "BOL TERI KAISE GAND MARUU"? When things get tough, an acceptable statement such as 'We are going through a difficult time' should be used, rather than "GOTI MUH MEIN HAI".
Last, but not least, after reading this memo, please do not say "YE KAGAJ GAND PONCHNE KE LAAYAK BHI NAHI HAI". Just keep it clean and dispose it off properly.
We hope you will keep these directions in mind.
Steve Rider (Human Resources Director) Microsoft Corporation Inc.
> A Red Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket > of buffalo manure in the other. > > He says to the waiter, "Me want coffee." > The waiter says, "Sure chief, comin right up." > He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee, and the Indian drinks it down > in one gulp, picks up the bucket of manure, throws it into the air, > blasts > it with the shotgun, then just walks out. > > The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand > and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He walks up to the counter > and > says to the waiter, "Me want coffee." > The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from > yesterday. What the heck was all that about, anyway?" > The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me training for upper management > position: Come in, drink coffee, shoot some crap, leave mess for others > to clean up, disappear for rest of day."
Hi all, Here are some facts abt infosys.... enjoy them....
1. If you dont wear tie, you have to pay 500/- s as fine... 2. if you dont park ur car properly in ca lots, u have to pay 100/- as fine... 3. There are some special gates for car entry. if you enter the infy campus from wrong gates...again pay 100/- as fine
I liked this one
Mail from a frustrated victim of spamming ;-) interesting............
I wanted to thank all my friends and family who have forwarded chain letters to me in 2003 & 2004. Because of your kindness:
* I stopped drinking Coca Cola after I found out that it's good for removing toilet stains.
* I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infected with AIDS.
* I smell like a wet dog since I stopped using deodorants because they cause cancer.
* I don't leave my car in the parking lot or any other place and sometimes I even have to walk about 7 blocks for fear that someone will drug me with a perfume sample and try to rob me.
* I also stopped answering the phone for fear that they may ask me to dial a stupid number and the I get a phone bill from hell with calls to Uganda, Singapore and Tokyo.
* I also stopped drinking anything out of a can for fear that I will get sick from the rat feces and urine.
* When I go to parties, I don't look at any girl no matter how hot she is, for fear that she will take me to a hotel, drug me then take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.
* I also donated all my savings to the Amy Bruce account. A sick girl that was about to die in the hospital about 7,000 times. (Funny that girl, she's been 7 since 1993...)
* I went bankrupt from bounced checks that I made expecting the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL were supposed to send me when I participated in their special e-mail program would arrive soon.
* My free Nokia phone never arrived and neither did the free passes for a paid vacation to Disneyland.
Tired of calling divya singh (Siemens employee) who needs help for her hubby suffering from Lung cellular cancer especially when she was not married!!
If you do not send this e-mail to at least 1200 people in the next 10 seconds, a bird will crap on your head today at 5:30pm.
A man is taking a walk in Central park in New York. Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a wild dog. He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life. A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and >says: >"You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers: "Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl" The man says: - "But I am not a New Yorker!" "Oh then it will say in newspapers in the morning: 'Brave American saves life of little girl'" - the policeman answers. "But I am not an American!" - says the man. "Oh, what are you then?" The man says: - "I am a Pakistani!" and so .... The next day the newspapers says: "Islamic extremist kills innocent American dog. Connections to terrorist networks are being explored!