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arrange vs love marriage

Tony Alicea
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Joined: Jan 30, 2000
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    5
How about NO MARRIAGE altogether?

<h1>HA HA HA HA!</h1>
Jeroen T Wenting
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Joined: Apr 21, 2006
Posts: 1847
If there are less divorce cases in arranged marriages that's mostly because the societies involved are less accepting of divorce, and the partners are shamed by their families, friends, and their upbringing to stick together whether they want to or not.
After all, if you divorce your husband (or wife) you're effectively disgracing your family before theirs, reducing the status your marriage granted your parents (and you might be in breach of contract as well, as arranged marriages are business deals).


42
Mike Van
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Joined: Apr 06, 2006
Posts: 83
In the US, we use a number of various methods to decide who to marry. In most cases, marriages are the result of late-night binding in drunken lust, leading to the conception of a child out-of-wedlock. The actual marriage might be the result of one partner not wanting an abortion and the other's desire to do the "right" thing. Then, years later when the process of maturation is in flow, they realize how out of balance they are, begin hating each other, and have either highly disfunctional relationships or get a divorce.

As a testament to how love sucks, I've heard some women say "bang the hot-guy and marry the rich and powerful one". How many men in the US have kids who are not genetically thier own, and don't know?

Love may be blind, but it is also stupid. You see, as individuals we are hard-wired to seek out people based on thier physical attributes, not on thier long-term ability to complement us. As such, we are the best people to choose who will make our funny-parts tingle, and we are also the worst people to decide who we should be with for a long term period of time. As such, perhaps there is room for a matchmaker who makes invitations based on the craft of finding the right people for long-term relationships.

Frankly, sometimes it would be nice to have the counsel of a third-party who has been able to see you interact and knows you might be the best way to go. Of course, that only works if you're lucky enough to get the person who has an impeachable character.

So then, in closing, neither system works well, but it seems like matchmaking has a better track record. Of course, this is only if its based on things like long-term viability and compatability. At least, it appears to have a much better track record than our own chemical reactions based on the size of a woman's bust and curve of her hips while we are under the influence of inebriate spirits.


Mike Van
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Unless you really suck at it. Then, you might just want to try something else, if you dont' want to be a loser I mean.
Jeroen T Wenting
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Joined: Apr 21, 2006
Posts: 1847
and that's why "old fashioned" Christians values should be restored (and no, I'm not a Christian nor adhere to any religion).
No sex before marriage, no marriage without a cooling off period (engagement or however you want to call it).
In fact the minimum length of an engagement period used to be set in law here at something like 6 month, on the assumption that that would mean those partners completely incompatible would break up before getting married (and it worked quite often).

Shaming people into staying together by imposing a culture where you divorcing brings dishonour and/or financial ruin and loss of status to your family is not the answer, changing the attitude towards getting married is.
alfred jones
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Joined: Apr 19, 2005
Posts: 279
it seems some people are not giving value of arranged marriage decided by parents and the boy.

how can you ignore your parents decision !!
you are here because of them...they have some expection from you...they have brought up you 25 years...they are always with your needs and your welfare.
tomorrow when you become a father..wont you have your expectation from your child ?think about this.

discuss with your parents about your partner and if you and your parents are happy everything is fine.

love is a difficult word nowadays...unfortunately there is no measurement system to measure a true love.....so dont take any decision just because of this love and ignore your parents conscent.

someone told a 25 years old boy is all-in-all...he can decide anything!

NO...absolutely wrong...he is not all-in-all ....he needs some advice from old and experienced people.

And finally, i can tell you one thing,your parents are your closest friends and they always wants their children to be happy.
Jeroen T Wenting
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Joined: Apr 21, 2006
Posts: 1847
nothing against listening to advise, but with arranged marriage we're talking about force.
The wishes of the people being married off (or at least one of them) have nothing to do with that. To the parents the happiness and future of their offspring doesn't matter in most such cases, only their own social status does.
Children are treated as tradegoods, married off to the highest bidder.

How'd you feel if your parents told you you're to marry someone you've never seen because it will get your father a better job? That's the reality.
Michael Van
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Joined: Nov 25, 2003
Posts: 33
It makes me wonder why there isn't a profession anymore for the "matchmaker"? You know, that one unimpeachable person who can help you by finding the woman/man who is best suited for you?

Perhaps in cultures where the parents are the matchmakers and use money/influence to find the best spouse for thier child based upon economics, this isn't possible. However, in the US where children leave thier parents for college or the military at 18, maybe this would work better?

I'm gonna start a matchmaking service, high-end, and will interview and investigate all comers. I wonder, would this work?


Mike Van
Apache Software Foundation Committer
Jeroen T Wenting
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Joined: Apr 21, 2006
Posts: 1847
most people would find you utterly old fashioned, and not want other interfering with their private affairs.

But you're wrong, there are still matchmakers. Except they now call themselves dating services and seem to have shifted somewhat from providing suitable marriage candidates based on personality profiles to providing one night stands for some sex.
alfred jones
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Joined: Apr 19, 2005
Posts: 279
How'd you feel if your parents told you you're to marry someone you've never seen because it will get your father a better job?




then he is not your genetically parent
Deepak Bala
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Joined: Feb 24, 2006
Posts: 6662
    
    5


How'd you feel if your parents told you you're to marry someone you've never seen because it will get your father a better job?


That would be bad.

I guess we have a classification for arranged marriages now.

1. Arranged marriages that take into consideration status and money and are performed for personal gain ( not of the bride or groom's ).

2. Arranged marriages that are just... arranged marriages.

I am against both.


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Jeroen T Wenting
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Joined: Apr 21, 2006
Posts: 1847
Originally posted by alfred jones:




then he is not your genetically parent


in many cultures that's exactly what parents do with their children...
Deepak Bala
Bartender

Joined: Feb 24, 2006
Posts: 6662
    
    5


in many cultures that's exactly what parents do with their children...


I agree. But are such arrangements restricted to cultures or religion ? I think it depends on the person(s) in question.
Jeroen T Wenting
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Joined: Apr 21, 2006
Posts: 1847
In some cultures it's generally accepted (even expected), in others it happens but is not generally accepted.
Tony Alicea
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Joined: Jan 30, 2000
Posts: 3222
    
    5
"In the US, we use a number of various methods to decide who to marry. In most cases, marriages are the result of late-night binding in drunken lust, leading to the conception of a child out-of-wedlock. The actual marriage might be the result of one partner not wanting an abortion and the other's desire to do the "right" thing. Then, years later when the process of maturation is in flow, they realize how out of balance they are, begin hating each other, and have either highly disfunctional relationships or get a divorce."

That is a near genius statement: Congrats!
[ September 03, 2006: Message edited by: Tony Alicea ]
Ulf Dittmer
Marshal

Joined: Mar 22, 2005
Posts: 42282
    
  64
Originally posted by alfred jones:
it seems some people are not giving value of arranged marriage decided by parents and the boy.

how can you ignore your parents decision !!
you are here because of them...they have some expection from you...they have brought up you 25 years...they are always with your needs and your welfare.
tomorrow when you become a father..wont you have your expectation from your child ?think about this.

discuss with your parents about your partner and if you and your parents are happy everything is fine.

love is a difficult word nowadays...unfortunately there is no measurement system to measure a true love.....so dont take any decision just because of this love and ignore your parents conscent.

someone told a 25 years old boy is all-in-all...he can decide anything!

NO...absolutely wrong...he is not all-in-all ....he needs some advice from old and experienced people.

And finally, i can tell you one thing,your parents are your closest friends and they always wants their children to be happy.


I disagree strongly with most statements in this post. Obviously there are cultural differences at work here, but the statement of so many debatable personal opinions as fact bothers me quite a bit.


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Chetan Parekh
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Joined: Sep 16, 2004
Posts: 3636
Most important thing is marry to a right person.


My blood is tested +ve for Java.
Pradeep bhatt
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Joined: Feb 27, 2002
Posts: 8919

Originally posted by Chetan Parekh:
Most important thing is marry to a right person.


Have you found the girl to marry ?


Groovy
Chetan Parekh
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Joined: Sep 16, 2004
Posts: 3636
Originally posted by Pradip Bhat:


Have you found the girl to marry ?


Check your PM.
Chetan Parekh
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Joined: Sep 16, 2004
Posts: 3636
Originally posted by Tony Alicea:
How about NO MARRIAGE altogether?

<h1>HA HA HA HA!</h1>


Hey how to apply formatting?
[ September 04, 2006: Message edited by: Chetan Parekh ]
Dave Lenton
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Joined: Jan 20, 2005
Posts: 1241
Originally posted by Jeroen T Wenting:
No sex before marriage
I actually think that pre-marital sex can improve the chances of a relationship working. Although many people may not like to talk about it, sex is an important part of a relationship, and I think it is good if a couple can find out if they are sexually compatible before committing themselves to a marriage.

The same applies to other areas of life. Living together before getting married used to be called "living in sin" and described as a bad thing to do, but to me it seems a very good idea. By living together a couple can learn about each other and work out if they will be able to enter into a long term relationship. You can never really know someone until you live with them after all! It is better that a couple can live together for a while and then realise that they aren't compatible before getting married rather then after.

Shaming people into staying together by imposing a culture where you divorcing brings dishonour and/or financial ruin and loss of status to your family is not the answer, changing the attitude towards getting married is.
Indeed. While a marriage break up is unfortunate, sometimes it is better then staying together. It is not ideal for children to live in a single parent household when their parents split up, it may be less psychologically damaging then living in a household where both their parents can't stand each other.

Rather then attach stigma to divorce, it would be better if the stigma was attached to rushing into a marriage without getting to know each other properly before hand. Of course this wouldn't stop marriages failing, but it would help them succeed more often.


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Frank Silbermann
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Joined: Jun 06, 2002
Posts: 1387
Originally posted by Satish Chilukuri:

We talk about how bad it will be for children if the parents get divorced, but what about kids living in a house where the parents don't like each other and are constantly quarelling? Will they grow up any better?
Actually, yes. For a small child, the difference between having quarelling parents versus divorced parents is like the difference between having chronic soreness in one's legs versus having a leg amputated.

For a child, the difference between living with quarelling parents versus living with a divorced parent who remarries is like the difference between living in a home with a leaky roof versus having one's home destroyed and being taken in by strangers in their house.
Frank Silbermann
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Joined: Jun 06, 2002
Posts: 1387
Originally posted by Dave Lenton:
I actually think that pre-marital sex can improve the chances of a relationship working. Although many people may not like to talk about it, sex is an important part of a relationship, and I think it is good if a couple can find out if they are sexually compatible before committing themselves to a marriage.
Oddly enough, among all the people I've known in my life, I've never heard anyone explain that they stopped dating so-and-so due to sexual incompatibility. Are we talking about gross mismatches in genital size (not very common), or what?

Dave Lenton:
By living together a couple can learn about each other and work out if they will be able to enter into a long term relationship. You can never really know someone until you live with them after all! It is better that a couple can live together for a while and then realise that they aren't compatible before getting married rather then after.
Unfortunately, people living together tend to behave better than during marriage (just as junior professors tend to work harder before being awarded tenure than afterwards), so you don't learn that much after all.

That's not to deny that sex without committment is a lot of fun. Also, delaying sex until marriage is not pleasant.
Dave Lenton
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Joined: Jan 20, 2005
Posts: 1241
Originally posted by Frank Silbermann:
Actually, yes. For a small child, the difference between having quarelling parents versus divorced parents is like the difference between having chronic soreness in one's legs versus having a leg amputated.
This probably depends on the child in question, as situations will be different. My own personal experience is that it was better to be in a single parent household then in a house with both parents arguing. It could be different for other people though, and probably depends on a number of different factors.
Dave Lenton
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Joined: Jan 20, 2005
Posts: 1241
Originally posted by Frank Silbermann:
Oddly enough, among all the people I've known in my life, I've never heard anyone explain that they stopped dating so-and-so due to sexual incompatibility. Are we talking about gross mismatches in genital size (not very common), or what?
Of course there could be a physical element, but I was talking more about an emotional incompatibility. If people live together in a sexual relationship then they are likely to be intimate and emotionally open with each other. Some people may find that they are not comfortable doing this with a particular person, but may not realise that until they attempt it.

Unfortunately, people living together tend to behave better than during marriage (just as junior professors tend to work harder before being awarded tenure than afterwards), so you don't learn that much after all.
This could depend on how long they live together. Certainly at first they are likely to be on their best behaviour, but after a while things will probably normalise.

I've been living with my girlfriend for about 6 years now, and I think its been a great chance to learn about each other. Because of this I am confident that I have a good idea of how our life will be together after our upcoming wedding.

On the other hand, someone I know proposed to his girlfriend and then moved in with her a few weeks later. After about a month they realised they couldn't stand living with each other and split up. It was lucky for them both that they realised this before they got married.

I don't think every couple should move in with each other just to see how compatible they are, but I also think that there are certain things which a couple will not find out about each other until they live together. These aren't necessarily concrete things such as one person having bad hygiene (although that could be a problem!), but also emotional things. Its very hard for a person to know if they can feel relaxed in someone's presence over a large period of time unless it is given a go.
vasu maj
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Joined: Jul 12, 2001
Posts: 395
Can't generalize. Whether it is arranged or love, if the participants are mature, it works. Otherwise it won't.

To someone's insistence on finding out what is good in the initial years----- it is sex which makes it good. Till it becomes routine.
Heard about Seven yeras itch?


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