I found this on the net and thought others might find it amusing as well.
Dear Parent or Guardian:
On behalf of the faculty, staff, administration, and grief counselors of Rockwood District 603, please let me extend a warm welcome to you and your student for the upcoming 2005-6 school year at Rockwood Public Schools. In the enclosed information packet you will find your student's classroom assignment and schedule, a calendar of important dates, staff contact information, and a handbook of detailed first aid tips. Please read and review carefully. Your cooperation will help insure that your student enjoys an enriching and survivable year of educational opportunities.
As many of you know, the 2004-5 school year was an exciting and challenging period for all of us in the District 603 family. In October we were once again named an "Orange Ribbon District" by the State Secretary of Education, an elite honor reserved for the top 65% of statewide districts where nearly half of all students meet, or approach, minimum reading skills requirements. In November, we all cheered as the Lady Bulldogs once again reached the Substate quarterfinals of the State 6-A Girl's Field Hockey tournament. During the Winter Quarter, we welcomed over 100 new district students with the arrival of the Xenorxian Saucer Beings. And thanks to the passage of the emergency bond issue referendum, in May we began reconstruction of vaporized Wilson Middle School.
The upcoming school year promises to be equally exciting, with fresh opportunities for student learning and growth. My administration has worked hard over the summer to design and implement programs to insure student success toward key goals, with a particular emphasis on intergalactic diversity education. If I can be candid, some parents and students within District 603 have been less than welcoming of our growing Xenorxian immigrant community. Without "pointing fingers," this has too often led to unnecessary incidents of misunderstanding and vaporization.
That is why in June I appointed Assistant Superintendent Kevin Harris to head a District Diversity Task Force aimed at building an educational bridge to the Xenorxian community. Over the past 6 weeks Mr. Harris worked closely with community leaders, including Supreme Overlord Q'klogmu, to develop new educational guidelines and teaching materials to foster a district-wide spirit of tolerance. The complete list of changes can be found in the enclosed student handbook, but I would like to bring your attention to some of the highlights:
Student Conduct: The district has adopted a strict no-tolerance policy toward hurtful and/or speciesist behavior, language, or insolence of any kind. Students suspected of violating this policy will be molecutransported to a mandatory diversity seminar on Xenorxi Orbitor G-6a. Dress Code: In deference to Xenorxian standards of modesty, clothing of endoskeletal students must cover all jointed appendages. Holidays: Spring Break will be extended for an additional week, to coincide with the Xenorxian holy days of Fnok'qarp. This important period celebrates the Xenorxians' conquest of the Valrokian starcluster. Lunchroom: To adhere to Xenorxian dietary guidelines, the hot lunch program will now provide a nutritious daily menu of Valrokian flesh dishes.
I am also pleased to announce that beginning in September, Rockwood will be among the first districts in the state to offer a mandatory curriculum in Xenorxian studies. This exciting new program has been designed to introduce your student to the Xenorxians' vibrant culture, rich command language, and traditional weaponry. Some district parents have voiced concerns that this program will distract from "the basics" such as mathematics and history. I assure you these concerns are unfounded, and that Xenorxian Studies form an integral part of a well-rounded education. For example, a recent government study of local saucer landings and vaporizings indicate that Xenorxians will be a majority population in the Tri-County area by late next spring. This program will provide your student solid preparation as a successful, and surviving, subjugate.
We on the District 603 Administrative Team would like to thank everyone involved in the creation of our new diversity program -- Xenorxian community leaders, endoskeletal parents and teachers, and especially the late Mr. Harris. In commemoration of his tireless community outreach efforts, District 603 has created the Kevin Harris Memorial Scholarship for Intergalactic Understanding. This prestigious $750 scholarship will be awarded yearly to endoskeletal graduates of Rockwood High School who continue their Xenorxian studies at the college or university level. Supreme Overlord Q'klogmu has also announced that the winner will also be eligible to serve as a host organism for Xenorxian egg-pods.
Thank you once again for your cooperation. Together, we can build a great school system if we remember Rockwood's core values: respect, empowerment, and not making any sudden moves.
Sincerely,
Dr. Edwina G. Curran-Marino, Ed. D.
Superintendent of Schools
Rockwood School District 603
[ August 10, 2005: Message edited by: Jason Menard ]
