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Urgent Job Requirement - Computer Wizard Required

 
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URGENT, URGENT, URGENT. Computer Wizard Required...

We an international acclaimed dream company who are based in luxury offices in Slough, just next to the sewage works.

We are seeking the following for a new exciting role for a young talented Senior Solutions Developer / Architect / Programme Manager / DevOps / DBA / System Administer / Release (Cloud) Manager.
Have five years experience of latest Java 8 / JEE, and a total of thirty years Java experience. This must have been gained by a reputable international company, preferably with ourselves..
A least ten years experience with the all current fashionable technologies we could possibly consider using, and any others that we may think of using.
A least ten years experience in all of the other programming languages and / or technologies we may consider using in the future.
A deep understanding of all the legacy technologies that we may have used in the past, and some that we may not have used.
Ability to manage the whole programme and design the complete solution using vague ever changing requirements and adhering to tight unrealistic deadlines and budgets.
Provide "follow the sun" (24 hours) world wide DevOps support for all our offices throughout the world. As part of this requirement you should be able to converse in all of the native languages for the counties where we have offices, including counties where we are considering opening up new offices.

In order to be considered, any potential candidates should;
Have a good solid (computer) science or mathematics degree, preferable PhD, from one of the two universities. Non oxbridge undergraduates need not apply.
Due to the nature of the role you must have DV clearance, and be able to attend live operations in any theatre of war when required. Note you will have to provide your own security and transport during this time.
Be happy to start in the next hour, and able to work twenty hours each day until we terminate your zero hours contract...
 
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I can start last week.
 
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Move over MeatBag, did someone say they needed their computer bending?
 
Peter Rooke
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Great, can you bring your own infrastructure too? We are offering a unique payment scheme in which you pay us. This is as we are such a fantastic leading edge international wonder company and you are so lucky that we are giving you the opportunity to be associated with us.
 
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All jobs offered posts must include town in the thread title or they will be deleted.


Oh, it's Slough. I'll let you off, then
 
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Peter Rooke wrote:We an international acclaimed dream company who are based in luxury offices in Slough, just next to the sewage works.



Does that sewage works have settling ponds which might attract rare waders, or is it one of the modern ones where the sewage is all enclosed?
 
Campbell Ritchie
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It means you have to wear waders.
 
Consider Paul's rocket mass heater.
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