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Only fun forwards for fun ...

R K Singh
Ranch Hand

Joined: Oct 15, 2001
Posts: 5371
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 lbs.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes
One sperm says to the other, "How far is it to the ovaries?"
The other one says, "Forget about it. We just passed the
tonsils."
What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
Sexual harassment.
What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
$3.99 a minute.
How are women and rocks alike? You skip the flat ones.
Did you hear about the new blonde paint? It's not real
bright, but it's cheap, and spreads easy.
How can you tell if your wife is dead?
The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
Snowballs.
What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
They both like a tight seal.
What is the difference between Olympic swimmers, and Olympic divers?
Mark Spitz and Greg swallows.
What does Popeye do to keep his favorite tool from rusting?
Sticks it in Olive Oyl.
What did the lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog?
They're right! We do taste like chicken!
What did the banana say to the vibrator?
What are YOU shaking for? She is going to eat me!
What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
Erotic is using a feather... kinky is using the whole chicken.
What is the difference between ooooooh and aaaaaaah?
About three inches.
What is the difference between a hormone, and an enzyme?
You can't hear an enzyme.
What do you call a gay dinosaur?
Megasorass
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One... men will screw anything.
What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with...
the other is used to carry groceries.


"Thanks to Indian media who has over the period of time swiped out intellectual taste from mass Indian population." - Chetan Parekh
R K Singh
Ranch Hand

Joined: Oct 15, 2001
Posts: 5371
A couple of quickies for you today...
Social Security Sex
Two men were talking.
"So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not
enough to live on!"
Women's Humor
My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly
and said, "This will make you happy tonight."
He was right. When he went out of the bedroom,
I squirted it all over the doorknobs and he couldn't
get back in.
R K Singh
Ranch Hand

Joined: Oct 15, 2001
Posts: 5371
A married couple drives for a longer moment of time not speaking to
each
other after an earieler argument.
Suddenly wife notices a barn with some farm animals: cows, bulls,
fogs...
Your family? - wife asks sarcastically.
Yes, in-laws - husband ansers.
_______________
A man with balaclava rushes into a bank of sperm.
- Open the safe! - yells the guy to a woman.
She's trying to explain something to him that it is a bank of sperm and
he
must have got it wrong. But the guy ignores her.
- Pull out a container!
The woman executes obediently.
- Open it!
- Now, drink and swallow it!
She does as she is told.
Then the man takes off his cover and appears to be the woman's husband.
And
he says:
- So it can be done, honey?!
____________________
- why does blond stand in the corner when she feels cold?
- there is 90 degrees in the corner
---------------------------------------------------
- why do blonds feel uncomfortable at women's toilet?
- they must take off their pants by themselves
---------------------------------------------------
- what did blond say while watching a porno movie?
- oh, that's me!
---------------------------------------------------
- why did blond get bruised raking leaves?
- because she fell from a tree
---------------------------------------------------
- why are the blonds like scrambled eggs?
- they're simple, easy and tastes well
R K Singh
Ranch Hand

Joined: Oct 15, 2001
Posts: 5371
Kids went for a trip to the zoo and they're standing in front of the
paddock
for monkeys. Suddenly two monkeys start to copulate. Kids don't want to
be
pulled away from the cage. A female teacher got desperate and blushed
but
she notices a caretaker passing and speaks to him:
- Please, do something with these monkeys, kids are here. Perhaps you
should
give the monkeys a piece of sponge cake?! - suggests the teacher.
The man answers:
- Would you stop doing it for a piece of sponge cake?
======================
> Newton, Mithunda and Rajnikant
>
> Recently the father of physics made a visit to earth to watch a movie.He
> watched a few Indian movies and had his head spinning. He was convinced
> that all his logics and laws in physics were just a huge pile of junk and
> apologised for everything he had done.
> In the movie of Mithun chakravarthy Newton dada was confused to such an
> extent that he went paranoid. Here are a few scenes:
>
> 1) Mithunda has a Brain Tumor which, according to the doctors can't be
> cured and his death is imminent. In one of the fights, Our great Mithunda
> is shot in the head. To everybody's surprise, the bullet passes through
> his ears taking away the tumor along with it and he is cured. Long Live
> Mithunda
>
> 2) In one of the movies, Mithunda is confronted with 2 gangsters.Mithunda
> has a Gun but unfortunately only one bullet. Guess, what he does.......
> He holds a knife in his hand and shoots the bullet towards the knife.The
> knife cuts the bullet into 2 pieces and kills both the gangsters. Then,
> Mithunda utters the following dialogue
> "Apun ka naam hai HIRA, Apun ne sabko Chiraa".
>
> 3) Mithunda is chased by a gangster. Mithunda has a revolvver but he got
> no bullets in it. Guess, what he does. Nah not even in your remotest
> imaginations. He waits for the gangster to shoot. As soon as the gangster
> shoots, Mithunda opens the bullet compartment of his revolver and catches
> the bullet. Then, he closes the bulletc ompartment and fires his gun.
> Bang... And the gangster dies....
>
> 4) The heroine is tied to an electric chair and the remote is in the hands
> of the villain about 100 km away. As usual, the villain confronts the hero
> saying
> "Hathiyar phek do warna main yeh remote ka button dabake tumhari mehbooba
> ko mar doonga".
> The usual fight occurs and just as the hero makes the final blow, the
> villain dies but not before he presses than damn button. Now what to do?
> Sure enough, there is a horse and the hero jumps on it. Now there is a
> race:
> The current in the cable connected to the electric chair is moving fast
> but our hero and his horse are desparately trying to catch up.... goes on
> for a few km and just as the current would hit the chair, the hero jumps
> from the horse and picks the girl away from the chain and husssshhhh. She
> is saved. The poor electric current only goes to an empty chair. Climax,
> taaalian. Hero! Hero!! Hero!!!
>
>
> This was too much for our Newton to take and he was completely pissed off
> and he decided to go back. But he happened to see a Rajnikanth movie for
> one last time and thought that atleast one movie will follow his theory of
> physics.
> The whole movies goes fine and newton is happy that all in the world hasnt
> changed. Oops not so fast. The climax finally arrives. Rajni gets to know
> that the villian is on the the other side of a very high wall. So high
> that Rajni can't jump even if he tries like one of those superman
> techniques that our heroes normally use. Rajni has to desparalety kill the
> villian because its the climax Newton dada is smiling since it is
> virtually impossible).. Rajni suddenly pulls two guns from his pocket
> (Probably a backup). He throws one gun in the air and when the gun has
> reached the height of the wall ,he shoots at the trigger of the first gun
> in air, with his second gun. Now the first gun fires off and the villian
> is dead.
>
> Newton faints
>
>
R K Singh
Ranch Hand

Joined: Oct 15, 2001
Posts: 5371
A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert and realized
halfway
across that the camel they were using for transportation was about to
die. They set up a make-shift camp, hoping someone would come to their
rescue, but to no avail. Soon the camel died.
After several days of not being rescued, they agreed that they were not
going to be rescued. They prayed a lot (of course), and they discussed
their predicament in great depth. Finally the priest said to the nun,
"You know, Sister, I am about to die, and there's always been one thing
I've wanted here on earth -- to see a woman naked. Would you mind
taking
off your clothes so I can look at you?"
The nun thought about his request for several seconds and then agreed
to
take off her clothes. As she was doing so, she remarked, "Well, Father,
now that I think about it, I've never seen a man naked, either. Would
you mind taking off your clothes, too?"
With little hesitation, the priest also stripped. Suddenly the nun
exclaimed, "Father! What is that little thing hanging between your
legs?"
The priest patiently answered, "That, my child, is a gift from God. If
I
put it in you, it creates a new life."
"Well," responded the nun, "forget about me. Stick it in the camel!"
-----------------
A father takes his boy to the zoo one day , and soon they arive
at the elephant cages. "Dad, dad, what's that hanging on the
elephant?" asks the son.
DAD: "That's his trunk , son."
SON: "No dad , that thing on the other end."
DAD: "Thats his tail."
SON: "Not that , the thing between his legs."
DAD: "Oh , that's his penis."
SON: "Last time we were here mommy said it was nothing."
DAD: "Well son , you must remember , your mother is a spoiled woman!"

__________________

In the Garden of Eden, Adam had just met Eve and they got talking about
sex.
Eve was curious about what Adam did to have sex - after all, she was
the first woman on earth. So Adam took her by the hand and led her to a
nearby tree and showed her a hole in the tree trunk, just about the
right height for Adam to thrust his desires away.
Smiling, Eve said "Well now you don't have to have sex with the tree
because I've got a hole too so why don't you put it in me?"
She lay down on her back and opened her legs as wide as they would go.
Adam, looking forward to this impending moment of passion, took several
steps back.
"Come on, big boy!" said Eve.
Adam ran towards Eve and..... KICKED her between the legs as hard as he
could!
Eve : "What was that for???" asked Eve
Adam: "Oh, just checking for squirrels......"
R K Singh
Ranch Hand

Joined: Oct 15, 2001
Posts: 5371
I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my
sister
to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or
else... I
said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task. I withdrew the
cork
from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the
exception of one glass, which I drank.
I then withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with
it,
with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the
cork
from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I
drank.
I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the
bottle down the glass, which I drank.
I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of
it, and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the
next
glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then I corked the sink with
the
glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour. When I had everything
emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses,
corks,
bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the
houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses
in
one bottle, which I drank.
I'm not under tha affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep I am. I'm
not
half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don't know who is
me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get.
========================
There was this car that was going very slow. A State Trooper pulls it
over. The window to the car rolls down and he sees a nun.
"What have I done wrong, officer?" the nun askes.
"You are going 26mph on a major highway. There is a law against that,"
the officer sais to the nun. "You must at least go 50mph."
"But when I turned on the highway, the sign said 26!"the nun replies.
"HAHAHA!" The officer laughes out loud. "That is because this is
Interstate 26! The 26 isn't the speed limit!"
The nun sits back in her car seat and the cop sees another nun sitting
besids her. She looked like she had seen a ghost, she looked totally
stunned and shellshocked.
"What happened to her?" the officer askes.
"I don't know, but she has been that way ever since we got off of
interstate 160."
-------------------------
Subject: A little old lady

> A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front
door of
> an erotic sex shop.obviously very unstable on her feet, she shakily
hobbles
> the few feet across the store to the counter. finally arriving at the
> counter and grabbing it for support, she asks the salesman,''Ddddooo
youuu
> hhhave ddddildosss the man, politely trying not to burst out
laughing,
> replies, ''yes, madam. we do have dildos.''actually, we carry many,
many
> models.''the old woman then asks, ''and dddddooo yyyouuuu hhhave aaa
> pppinkk one, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt tttwoo inchesss
> thththiiiiiickkk the salesman responds,''yes, madam. we certainly do.
''
> weeellllll,''says the old dear. ''Ccccccannnn yyyyouuuu tttelll
mmmmeeee
> howwww ttttoooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ffuucccckkkkinggg ttthingggg offfff
!
>
-------------------
Subject: Joke

> A VET had had a hell of a day but when he got home from tending to
all
> the sick animals his wife was waiting with a long,cool drink and a
> romantic, candle lit dinner. Afterwards thay had a few more drinks
and
then
> went happily up to bed, where they started to make love. at about two
in
> the morning , the phone rang.Is this the vet.an elderly lady's voice
> asked. yes it is replied the vet.''Is this an emergency''well, sort
> of' said the old woman.there's a whole bunch of cats mating on the
roof
> outside my bedroom window and they'er making a terrible noise and I
Just
> can't get to sleep. what can I do about it there was a sharp intake
of
> breath from the vet, who then patiently replied; ''Just open the
window
and
> tell them that they're wanted on the phone really said the lady and
> do you think this will stop them should do said the vet It
> fucking well stopped me''
R K Singh
Ranch Hand

Joined: Oct 15, 2001
Posts: 5371
(true story)
Scientists at Roll Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead
chickens
at the windshields of airliners, and military jets , all traveling
at
maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents
of
collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the
windshields.
American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it
on the
windshields of their new high speed trains.
Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American
engineers.
When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken
hurled
out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed
it to
smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the
engineer's
back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the
cabin, like
an arrow shot from a bow.
The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of
the
experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged
the
British scientists for suggestions.
You're going to love this......

Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:
"Defrost the chicken."
R K Singh
Ranch Hand

Joined: Oct 15, 2001
Posts: 5371
A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference to an
organization...
Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and
noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his
shirt
pocket.
It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it. However, when the
busboy
brought out water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in
his shirt
pocket, then looked around the room and saw that all the staff had
spoons
in
their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the
spoon?"
"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Anderson,
Consulting experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our
processes.
After
several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that
customers drop
their spoons 73.84 percent more often than any other utensil.
This
represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table
per hour.
If
our personnel is prepared to deal with that contingency, we can
reduce
the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours
per
shift."
As luck would have it I dropped my spoon and he was able to
replace it with his spare spoon. "I'll get another spoon next time
I go to
the
kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."
I was rather impressed. The waiter served our main course and I
continued
to
look around.
I then noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of
the waiter's front. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters
had the
same
string hanging from their front. My curiosity got the better of me
and
before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you
tell me
why you have that string right there?
"Oh, certainly!" he answered, lowering his voice. "Not everyone
is
as observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned also found
out
that we can save time in the restroom."
"How so?"
"See," he continued, "by tying this string to the tip of our
......??, we
can pull it out over
the urinal without touching it and that way eliminate the need to
wash the
hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39
percent."
"Okay, that makes sense, but...if the string helps you get it out,
how do
you
put it back in?"
"Well," he whispered, lowering his voice even further, "I don't
know about the others, but I use the spoon."
--------------------------------
There were these 4 guys, a Russian, a German, an
American and a French, who found this small genie
bottle. When they rubbed the bottle, a genie appeared.
Thankful that the 4 guys had released him out of the
bottle,
He said, "Next to you all are 4 swimming pools, I will
give each of you a wish. When you run towards the pool
and jump, you shout what you want the pool of water to
become, then your wish will come true."
The French wanted to start. He ran towards the pool,
jumped and shouted "WINE". The pool immediately
changed into a pool of wine. The
Next is the Russian's turn, he did the same and
shouted, "VODKA" and immersed himself into a pool of
vodka.
The German was next and he jumped and shouted, "BEER".
He was so contented with his beer pool.
The last is the American. He was running towards the
pool when suddenly he steps on a banana peel. He
slipped towards the pool and shouted,
SHIT!!!........."
____________________________________________________
An American and a Japanese were sitting on the plane
on the way to LA when the American turned to the
Japanese and asked, "What kind of -ese are you?"
The Japanese confused, replied, "Sorry but I don't
understand what you mean."
The American repeated, "What kind of -ese are you?"
Again, the Japanese was confused over the question.
The American, now irritated, then yelled,
"What kind of -ese are you ... Are you a Chinese,
Japanese, Vietnamese!, etc......???"
The Japanese then replied, "Oh, I am a Japanese."
A while later the Japanese turned to the American and
asked What kind of 'key' was he.
The American, frustrated, yelled, "What do you mean
what kind of ' -kee' am I?!"
The Japanese said, "Are you a Yankee, donkee, or
monkee?"
____________________________________________________
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him
a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly
hit a bus, went upon the footpath, and stopped centimeters
from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver
said,"Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the
daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a
little
tap would scare you so much."
The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is
my
first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a van carrying
dead bodies for the last 25 years."
____________________________________________________
R K Singh
Ranch Hand

Joined: Oct 15, 2001
Posts: 5371
>
>Gabbar sends Kaalia and two others to Ramgad to collect the loot-maar
>software he had ordered. They reach Ramgad and start shouting: "Abe O
>thakur! Kahan hai wo loot-maar software? Last date to kab ka nikal
>gaya".
>
>Thakur [with anger]: "Chillao mat! jaakar Gabbar se kah do ki Thakur
>Software walon ne paagal kutton ke liye software banana bund kar diya hai."
>
>Kaalia: "Bahoot garmi dikha rahe ho thakur? Koi naye programmers hire kiye
>hain kya?"
>
>Thakur: "Nazar uttha ke dekh, Kaalia, tere sar par powerbuilder chal raha
>hai."
>
>Kaalia looks up and sees Viru (Dharmendra) working on a PC on one water
>tank and Jay (Amitabh) on another, using a laptop. Kaalia Starts laughing
>and says:"Ha ha... thakur ne phresers ko liya hai ye log
>programming karenge? In ko to DOS commands bhi nahin aate."
>
>Veeru shouts: "Chup-chaap chala ja kutte. Hum log consultants hain, kuch
>bhi kar sakte hain." Jay hits some commands on his keyboard, then says:
>"jaao
>kaalia, gabbar se kahna ki uska server down ho gaya."
>
>AT GABBAR'S DEN...
>
>Gabbar: "Kitne bugs the?"
>
>Kaalia: "Do sarkaar."
>
>Gabbar: "Wo do! Aur tum teen. Phir bhi fix nahi kar sake? Kya soch key aaye
>ho? Gabbar bahoot khush hoga? Naya assignment dega aur increment bhi? Iski
>saza milegi... barobar milegi."
>
>[Snatches an X terminal from Sambaa]. "Kitne sessions hain is machine
>mein?"
>
>Sambaa: "Chhey sarkaar."
>
>Gabbar: "Session chhey aur programmer teen. Bahoot naainsaafi hai.
>
>[logout - logout - logout]. Haan ab theek hai... ab tera kya hoga Kaalia?"
>
>Kaalia: "Sarkaar, maine aapka code likha tha."
>
>Gabbar: "To ab documentation kar!
>
R K Singh
Ranch Hand

Joined: Oct 15, 2001
Posts: 5371
*
|
/^\
/ \
| | ( ) | |
/^\ | /^\ \ / /^\ | /^\
|O| /^\ ( )|-----|( ) /^\ |O|
|_| |-| |^-^|---||-----||---|^-^| |-| |_|
|O| |O| |/^\|/^\|| | ||/^\|/^\| |O| |O|
|-| |-| ||_|||_||| /^\ |||_|||_|| |-| |-|
|O| |O| |/^\|/^\||( )||/^\|/^\| |O| |O|
|-| |-| ||_|||_|||| ||||_|||_|| |-| |-|
|O| |_| |___|___|||___|||___|___| |O| |O|
|_|_____________________________________|_|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As a Bachelor
Takdir hai, magar kismat nahi khulti
tajmahal banana chahata hoon
lekin mumtaz nahi milti
As a Lover
Takdir hai, magar kismat nahi khulti
tajmahal banana chahata hoon,
mumtaz mil gayi hai magar
woh shaadi nahi karti
As a married one
Takdir hai, magar kismat nahi khulti
tajmahal banana chahata hoon
lekin mumtaz nahi marti
------------------
One day Ron complained to his friend, "My elbow really
hurts. I guess
I should see a doctor."
His friend said, "Don't do that. There is a computer
at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker
and cheaper than a doctor.Simply put in a sample of
your urine, and the computer will diagnose your
problem and tell you what you can do about it. And it
only costs $10." Ron figured he had nothing to lose,
so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the
drug store.
Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and
deposited the $10. The computer started making some
noise and various lights started flashing. After a
brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper
which read:
You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.
It will be better in two weeks......
That evening while thinking how amazing this new
technology was
and how it would change medical science forever, he
began to wonder
if this computer could be fooled. He decided to give
it a try. He mixed
together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog,
and urine
samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he
mastur**** into
the concoction. He went back to the drug store,
located the computer,
poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.
The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its
lights, and printed
out the following analysis:
Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal
shampoo.
Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a
rehabilitation clinic.
Your wife is pregnant ... twin girls. They aren't
yours. Get a lawyer.
And if you don't stop jerking off, your elbow will
never get better.
R K Singh
Ranch Hand

Joined: Oct 15, 2001
Posts: 5371
> > A stranger was seated next to Johnny on the plane when
> > the stranger turned to Johnny and said, "Let's talk, I've
> > heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a
> > conversation with your fellow passenger."
> >
> > Johnny, who had just opened a book that he wanted to
> > read,closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What
> > would you like to discuss?"
> >
> > "Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about
> > nuclear power?"
> >
> > "OK," said Johnny. "That could be an interesting
> > topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a
> > deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes
> > little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a
> > horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose
> > that is?"
> >
> > "Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."
> >
> > "Well, then," said Johnny, "How is it that you feel
> > qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"
--------------------
> A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop, with
> > them are their 8
> > children.
> > A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the
> > bus arrives, they find
> > it overloaded and only the wife and her eight
> > children are able to fit in
> > the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to
> > walk. After a while the
> > husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick
> > of the blind man and
> > says
> > to him: "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the
> > end of your stick,
> > that
> > ticking sound is driving me crazy!!"
> >
> > The blind man replies: "If you would've put a rubber
> > on the end of YOUR
> > stick, we'd be sitting in the bus, so shut up!!!"
> >
> > From
> > Ministry of Family Welfare
>
----------------
Three friends boarded a crowded bus. Some how they sneaked their way to
the centre of the bus. They stopped besides a seat which was occupied by
three girls.The girls offered them their seat on one condition that
they(girls) Will sit on their(men) laps after having the seat.The men
agreed to the
condition and had the seat and the girls on their lap as well.
After some time one girl said to the man on whose lap she was sitting,
"Are you an electrical engineer?". The man was surprised and replied "yes
but how did you know that." The girl replied "I am receiving shocks from
your solder gun". After some time another girl asked the man on whose lap
she was sitting, "Are you a mechanical engineer."
The man was also surprised and replied "yes but how did you know that."
To that the girl replied "your piston is hurting my cylinder."After some
time the third girl asked her man if he was a civil engineer. The man was
also
surprised and asked her how she knew that. The girl replied "Your dam has
broken and flooded my village."
-----------------------
Kya bindaas hawa chal raheli hai,
birdy gana ga raheli hain,
cow log grass kha raheli hain,
shane log mail kar rahele hain ,
aur dhakkan log mail padh rahele hain!!!
---------------------------
>
> Once in delhi "RAM Leela" was about to take place and the
> scene which, was to take place was:
> Hanuman was supposed to get sanjivini booti for laxman.
> Unfortunately on that day hanuman was ill so, the organisers
> took another replacement from near by state haryana a
> "Jaat" who was requested to perform. He was nervous of
> performing the feat on rope, to go and get Sanjivini Booti. But
> he tries and suddenly the rope breaks and he falls on ram in
> front of the public. To save the scene:
> 'RAM SAYS: "HEY DAAS YEH KAISA MILAN"
>
> HANUMAN REPLIES IN A TYPICAL JAAT LANGUAGE:
> "DAAS KI MAA KA BHOSDA
> MILAN KI MAA KI CHUT
> BEES FOOT SE GIRA HUN! GAAND GAYI MERI TOOT
> MAA CHUDANE GAYI TERI SANJIVINI BOOTI
> LUND KE SAATH DO GOTI BHI TOOTI
> YEH BATA PEHLE RASSI KAISE TOOTI"
>
--------------------------
> The Gifted Child
>
> A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks was having
> trouble with one of her students.
>
> The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?"
> Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the
> first-grade. My sister is in the third -grade and
> I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in
> the third-grade too!"
>
> Ms Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the
> principal's office. While Harry waited in the
> outer office, the teacher explained to the
> principal what the situation was.
>
> The principal told Ms Brooks he would give the
> boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his
> questions he was to go back to the first-grade
> and behave.
>
> She agreed.
>
> Harry was brought in and the conditions were
> explained to him and he agreed totake the test.
>
> Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
>
> Harry: "9".
>
> Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
>
> Harry: "36".
>
> And so it went with every question the principal
> thought a third-grade should know.
>
> The principal looks at Ms Brooks and tells her,
> "I think Harry can go to the third-grade."
>
> Ms Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him
> some questions?" The principal and Harry both
> agree.
>
> Ms Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of
> that I have only two of?
>
> Harry, after a moment "Legs."
>
> Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have
> but I do not have?"
>
> Harry: "Pockets."
>
> Ms Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps
> into?"
>
> Harry: "Pants"
>
> Ms Brooks: What's starts with a C and ends with a
> T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin
> whitish liquid?
>
> Harry: Coconut
>
> Ms Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes
> out soft and sticky?
>
> The principal's eyes open really wide and before
> he could stop the answer, Harry was taking
> charge.
>
> Harry: Bubblegum
>
> Ms Brooks: What does a man do standing up, a
> woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?
>
> The principal's eyes open really wide and before
> he could stop the answer.
>
> Harry: Shake hands
>
> Ms Brooks: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of
> questions, okay?
>
> Harry: Yep.
>
> Ms Brooks: You stick your poles inside me.You tie
> me down to get me up.I get wet before you do.
>
> Harry: Tent
>
> Ms Brooks: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with
> me when you're bored. The best man always has me
> first.
>
> The Principal was looking restless and a bit
> tense.
>
> Harry: Wedding Ring
>
> Ms Brooks: I come in many sizes. When I'm not
> well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
>
> Harry: Nose
>
> Ms Brooks: I have a stiff shaft. My tip
> penetrates. I come with a quiver.
>
> Harry: Arrow
>
> Ms Brooks: What word starts with an 'F' and ends
> in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?
>
> Harry: Firetruck
>
> The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told
> the teacher, "Put Harry in the sixth-grade, I got
> the last ten questions wrong myself."
--------------------------
> Side Effects Of Alcohol!!!
>
> Symptom: Cold and humid feet.
> Cause: Glass is being held at incorrect angle.
> Cure: Maneuver glass until open end is facing upward.
>
> Symptom: The wall facing you is full of lights.
> Cause: You're lying on the floor.
> Cure: Position your body at a 90-degree angle to the floor.
>
> Symptom: The floor looks blurry.
> Cause: You're looking through an empty glass.
> Cure: Quickly refill with your favorite beverage.
>
> Symptom: The floor is moving.
> Cause: You're being dragged away.
> Cure: At least ask where they're taking you.
>
> Symptom: You see multiple reflections of your face.
> Cause: You're trying to puke in the toilet.
> Cure: Stick your finger in your mouth.
>
> Symptom: You hear echoes every time someone speaks.
> Cause: You have your glass on your ear.
> Cure: Stop making a fool of yourself.
>
> Symptom: The room is shaking a lot, everyone is dressed in white and the
> music is very repetitive.
> Cause: You're in an ambulance.
> Cure: Don't move. Let the professionals do their job.
>
> Symptom: Your dad and all your brothers are looking at you funny.
> Cause: You're in the wrong house.
> Cure: Ask if they can point you to your house.
>
> Symptom: A huge light is blinding you.
> Cause: You woke up in someone's lawn.
> Cure: Coffee and a long nap.
>
R K Singh
Ranch Hand

Joined: Oct 15, 2001
Posts: 5371

����� There was once a man and woman who had been married for more than 60
years. They had shared everything. They�had kept no secrets from each other
except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she
had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

������For all of these years he had never thought about the box, but one day the
little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and
took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it�was time that he should know
what was in the box.

���� When he opened it, he found two crocheted doilies and a stack of money
�totaling $25,000. He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be
�married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage
was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you I should just
keep quiet and crochet a doily."

���� The little old man was so moved, he had to fight back tears. Only two
�precious doilies were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times
in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness. "Honey,"
he said, "that explains the doilies, but what about all of this money? Where did
it come from? "Oh," she said, "that's the�money I made from selling the doilies
on Ebay."

-----------------------------
Recent research shows that there are 5 kinds of sex:

The 1st kind of sex is Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first
meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your
partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere,
even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your
partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have
sex in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your
partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say
"Fuck You".


The 5th kind of sex is Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your
wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.
-------------------------
GROCERY SHOPPING
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected a
quart of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of
romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon.
A drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of
the cashier. He said, "You must be single."
The woman, a bit startled but intrigued by the derelict's intuition,
looked at her six items on the belt.
Seeing nothing particularly unusual about her selections she said,
"Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did
you know that?"


The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly."
Ashik Uzzaman
Ranch Hand

Joined: Jul 05, 2001
Posts: 2370

Let me contribute a few as well to Ravish. The following is what I got from an email.
Problem Report After Upgrading From GirlFfriend7.0 To Wife 1.0
Problem Faced: Last year I upgraded from GirlFfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Smoking 10.3, Boozing 2.5 and Saturday Night Pubs 5.0 crash the system whenever selected.
I cannot keep wife 1.0 in background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications like Night Club 4.3, Dance Drunk 2.0 and Bachelor Party 7.77. I am thinking about going back to GirlFriend 7.0, but the un-install does not work on this program. Can you help me, please !!!
[ August 07, 2003: Message edited by: Ashik uzzaman ]

Ashik Uzzaman
Senior Member of Technical Staff, Salesforce.com, San Francisco, CA, USA.
Ashik Uzzaman
Ranch Hand

Joined: Jul 05, 2001
Posts: 2370

Reply From Technical Support After Getting The Problem Report
Ref : Problem Report After Upgrading From GirlFriend 7.0 To Wife 1.0
This is a very common problem that male users complain about, but it is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from GirlFriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITY & ENTERTAINMENT program. Wife 1.0 is actually an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its creator to run everything. It is impossible to un-install, delete, or purge Wife 1.0 from the system once installed. You cannot go back to GirlFriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install GirlFriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under "Warning-Alimony / Child Support" which was given to you at the time of registration with Wife 1.0. Having wife 1.0 installed myself, I feel the best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGISE.
In fact I would suggest that you use this command every time Wife 1.0 crashes on your system. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance. Consider buying additional s/w to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0 or even Movies 4.5 which will improve the performance of Wife 1.0.Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary with Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the OPERATING SYSTEM.
Best of luck,
Technical Support, Wife 1.0
Ashik Uzzaman
Ranch Hand

Joined: Jul 05, 2001
Posts: 2370

Advice From A Colleague On The Problem Report
There is a very simple "Wife 1.0" version which is actually called "Life 1.0" very popularly known as "VMware Workstation 4.0.1 build-5289" could be installed when the "Wife 1.0" is running.

But need to have a very high memory and processing power to control the Wife 1.0 under neath the "VMware Workstation 4.0.1 build-5289". Because if the "Wife 1.0" see anything going wrong between you and "VMware Workstation 4.0.1 build-5289" which causing unexpected child processing (mensioned in the problem) will automatically show an error line like this "Unexpected error occured-error massage cannot be retrive from Wife 1.0, try uninstalling any progeam(VM...) previously installed and reboot the machine".
Anonymous
Ranch Hand

Joined: Nov 22, 2008
Posts: 18944
Hello Everybody!
Anonymous
Ranch Hand

Joined: Nov 22, 2008
Posts: 18944
I feel happy too for Javaranch upgrades.
Hi, fellow ranches.
As I am starting my own business of "Learn how to draw over the telephone", may I make a request of sending donations or toys to my home office. And you guess it, anyone wanting to learn how to draw over the telephone don't even need extra gagdets, not even a videophone.
I will tell you drawing directions snd techniques over the phone and you would immediately graps what I telling you.
Please send your donations or items or toys or stationary to :
236 Bishan Street 22
#08-162 Singapore 570236
Thanks again fellow ranchers!
sunitha reghu
Ranch Hand

Joined: Dec 12, 2002
Posts: 937
Originally posted by <Suresh Nair>:
I feel happy too for Javaranch upgrades.
Hi, fellow ranches.
As I am starting my own business of "Learn how to draw over the telephone", may I make a request of sending donations or toys to my home office. And you guess it, anyone wanting to learn how to draw over the telephone don't even need extra gagdets, not even a videophone.
I will tell you drawing directions snd techniques over the phone and you would immediately graps what I telling you.
Please send your donations or items or toys or stationary to :
236 Bishan Street 22
#08-162 Singapore 570236
Thanks again fellow ranchers!

Donations( credit card #???)
Toys??(Adult toys???)
Stationary???( diapers, sanitary napkins etc )
BTW do u know how to draw Arnold Schwarenegger??
R K Singh
Ranch Hand

Joined: Oct 15, 2001
Posts: 5371
Originally posted by sunitha raghu:

Donations( credit card #???)
Toys??(Adult toys???)
Stationary???( diapers, sanitary napkins etc )
BTW do u know how to draw Arnold Schwarenegger??

Tu Kab Suderegee/gaa
[when will you improve?]
AW I came to post fwd .. today I was cleaning my hard-disk and deleted lot of mails..
AW this one some how survived .. so [dont know, I might have posted earlier]
Subject: FW: Johnny



TEACHER: Why are you late?
Johnny Martin: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
Johnny Martin: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go
Slow."
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
TEACHER: Johnny, why are you doing your maths sums on
the floor?
JOHNNY: You told me to do it without using tables!
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
JOHNNY: "HIJKLMNO"!!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
JOHNNY: Yesterday you said it's H to O!
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
TEACHER: Johnny, go to the map and find North America.
JOHNNY: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Johnny!
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
TEACHER: Johnny, name one important thing we have
today that we
didn't have ten years ago.
JOHNNY: Me!
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
TEACHER: Johnny, why do you always get so dirty?
JOHNNY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you
are.
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
JOHNNY: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
JOHNNY: Your name on this report card.
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting
insects?
JOHNNY: Don't bite any.
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
TEACHER: Johnny, give me a sentence starting with "I".
JOHNNY: I is...
TEACHER: No, Johnny. Always say, "I am."
JOHNNY: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the
alphabet."
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
Teacher: "Can anybody give an example of
"COIINCIDENCE?"
Johnny : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the
sameday
sametime."
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
Teacher: "George Washington not only chopped down his
father's
Cherry tree but also admitted doing it. Now do you
know why his
father didn't punish him?"
Johnny : "Because George still had the axe in his
hand."
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
Johnny: Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt?
Father: No. Why do you ask that?
Johnny: Well, where did you get THIS mummy then?
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
Teacher : What a pair of strange socks you are
wearing, one is
green
and one is blue with red spots!
Johnny : Yes it's really strange. I've got another
pair of the
same
at home.
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
Teacher: Now, children, if I saw a man beating a
donkey and
stopped
him, what virtue would I be showing?
Johnny: Brotherly love.
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
Teacher: Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say
prayers before
eating?
Johnny : No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good
cook.
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
Teacher: Johnny, your composition on "My Dog" is
exactly the same
as
your brother's. Did u copy his?
Johnny: No, teacher, it's the same dog
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
Teacher: What do you call a person who keeps on
talking when
people
are no longer interested?
Johnny : A teacher.
sunitha reghu
Ranch Hand

Joined: Dec 12, 2002
Posts: 937
Tu Kab Suderegee/gaa
[when will you improve?]

When u improve
AW I came to post fwd .. today I was cleaning my hard-disk and

Did u use a vacuum cleaner for that?//
R K Singh
Ranch Hand

Joined: Oct 15, 2001
Posts: 5371
Originally posted by sunitha raghu:

Did u use a vacuum cleaner for that?//

nope .. I have one big broom, it cleans all useless things in one shot... dont come near to that
I am becoming old .. today I saw one white hair in my moustache.
R K Singh
Ranch Hand

Joined: Oct 15, 2001
Posts: 5371
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a
little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to
understand
her at all.
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot
more
willing to die.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and
cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing
the
same thing to them at funerals.
R K Singh
Ranch Hand

Joined: Oct 15, 2001
Posts: 5371
Laloo Prasad Yadav talks to his son
Laloo : "I want you to marry a girl of my choice"
Son : "I want to choose my own bride".
Laloo : "But the girl is Ambani's daughter."
Son : "Well, in that case."
Next Laloo approaches Dhirubhai
Laloo : "I have a husband for your daughter."
Dhirubhai : "But my daughter is too young to marry."
Laloo : "But this young man is a vice
president of the World Bank."
Dhirubhai : "Ah, in that case."
Finally Laloo goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Laloo : "I have a young man to be recommended as a
vice president."
Vice President : "But I already have more vice presidents
than I need."
Laloo : "But this young man is Ambani's son-in-law."
Vice President : "Ah, in that case."
R K Singh
Ranch Hand

Joined: Oct 15, 2001
Posts: 5371
Mr.Santa Singh is a brilliant engineer from Patiala College of Engineering
and Mr.Banta Singh is his boss, a gold medalist from Jalandhar University.
Both of them are serving for Punjab Pipes whose owner is Ms.Gurujit Kaur.
In
one of the tenders Mr.Santa Singh has declared the pipe
specs. Go through it and I am sure it will be amusing.
Prepared by: SANTA SINGH
Approved by: BANTA SINGH
1. All pipe is to be made of a long hole surrounded by metal or plastic,
centered around the hole.
2. All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length - do not use
holes
whose length is different length from the pipe.
3. The ID (Inside Diameter) of all pipe must not exceed the OD (Outside
Diameter) - otherwise the hole will be on the outside.
4. All pipe is to be supplied with nothing in the hole, so that water,
steam
or other stuff can be put inside at a later date.
5. All pipe should be supplied without rust; this can be more readily
applied at the job site.
NOTE: Some vendors are now able to supply pre-rusted pipes. If available in
your area, this product is recommended, as it will save a great deal of
time at the job site.
6. All pipe over 500ft (150m) in length should have the words "LONG PIPE"
clearly painted on each side at the end, so that the contractor knows it's
a long pipe.
7. Pipe over 2 miles (3.2km) in length must also have the words "LONG
PIPE"
painted in the middle, so the contractor will not have to walk the entire
length of the pipe to determine whether or not it is a long pipe or a
short
pipe.
8. All pipe over 6ft (1.83m) in diameter must have the words "LARGE PIPE"
painted on it, so the contractor will not mistake it for small pipe.
9. Flanges must be used on all pipe. Flanges must have holes for bolts,
quite separate from the big hole in the middle.
10. When ordering 90 or 30 degree elbows, be sure to specify left-hand or
right-hand, otherwise you will end up going the wrong way.
11. Be sure to specify to your vendor whether you want level, uphill or
downhill pipe. If you use downhill pipes for going uphill, the water will
flow the wrong way.
12. All couplings should have either right-hand or left-hand threads, but
do not mix the threads otherwise, as the coupling is being screwed on one
pipe, it is being unscrewed from the other.
13. All pipes shorter than 1/8in (3mm) are very uneconomical in use,
requiring many joints. They are generally known as washers.
14. Joints in pipes for piping water must be water-tight. Those in pipes
for
compressed air, however, need only be air-tight.
15. Lengths of pipes may be welded or soldered together. This method is
not
recommended for concrete or earthenware pipes.
16. Other commodities are often confused with pipes. These include:
conduit,
tube, tunnel and drain. Use only genuine pipes.

============================================
Scientists at Roll Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at
the windshields of airliners, and military jets, all traveling at maximum
velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with
airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the
windshields of their new high-speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a
gun was sent to the American engineers. When the gun was fired, the
engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed
into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the
control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself
in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.
The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the
experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British
scientists for suggestions. You're going to love this...
Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:
"Defrost the chicken."

Supposedly a true story !!!
===============================================
A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker
to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a
lawyer."
The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for
passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the
stone.
However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a
man who was both honest and a lawyer.
That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they
would be certain to remark: "That's Strange!"
R K Singh
Ranch Hand

Joined: Oct 15, 2001
Posts: 5371
> > WHat Girls think about Engineers ...
> >
> >Comprehending Engineers - Take one.
> >
> >Two engineering students were walking across campus
> when one
> said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
> >The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking
> long yesterday
> minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode
> up on this bike.
> She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her
> clothes and
> said, "Take what you want."
> >The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good
> choice; the clothes
> wouldn't have fit anyway."
> >
> >Lesson: Don't bother to drop even the most obvious
> hint, they can't
> catch anyway.
> >(This is a reality! If you don't believe, test
> them!)
> >
> >Comprehending Engineers - Take Two
> >
> >To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the
> pessimist, the glass
> half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as
> big as it needs to
> be.
> >
> >Lesson: There is no philosophy to talk abt but
> calculations and
> calculations...
> >
> >Comprehending Engineers -Take Three
> >
> >A pastor, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting
> one morning for a
> particularly slow group of golfers.
> >The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We
> must have been
> waiting for 15 minutes!"
> >The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never
> seen such
> ineptitude".
> >The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens
> keeper. Let's have a
> word with him." "Hi John. Say, what's with that
> group ahead of us?
> They're rather slow, aren't they?"
> >The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group
> of blind
> firefighters. They lost their sight saving our
> clubhouse from a fire
> last year, so we always let them play for free
> anytime."
> >
> >The group was silent for a moment.
> >Then the pastor said, "That's so sad I think I will
> say a special
> prayer for them tonight."
> >The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to
> contact my
> ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he
> can do for
> them."
> >The engineer, after much thought said, "Why can't
> these guys play at
> night?"
> >
> >Lesson: No emotions please, only practicality works
> here.
> >
> >Comprehending Engineers -Take Four
> >
> >What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers
> and Civil
> Engineers?
> >Mechanical Engineers build weapons; Civil Engineers
> build targets.
> >
> >Lesson: They build and build and build and build
> and... to
> compliment one another.
> >
> >Comprehending Engineers -Take Five
> >
> >Three engineering students were gathered together
> discussing the
> possible designers of the human body.
> >One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look
> at all the
> joints."
> >Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer.
> The nervous system
> has many thousands of electrical connections."
> >The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer.
> Who else would run
> a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
>
> >
> >Lesson: All of them have their own theories. None
> for believing!
> >
> >Comprehending Engineers -Take Six
> >
> >"Normal people believe that if it ain't broke,
> don't fix it.
> Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't
> have enough
> features yet."
> >
> >Lesson: They are complicated and twisted.
> >
> >Comprehending Engineers -Take Seven
> >
> >An architect, an artist, and an engineer were
> discussing whether it
> was better to spend time with a wife or a mistress.
> >The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife,
> building a solid
> foundation for an enduring relationship.
> >The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress,
> because of the
> passion and mystery he found there.
> >The engineer said, "I like both.".
> >"Both?". "Yeah," replied the engineer. "If you have
> a wife and a
> mistress, they will each assume you are spending
> time with the other
> woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work
> done."
> >
> >Lesson: NEVER fall for an engineer!!!
> >
> >Comprehending Engineers - Take Eight
> >
> >An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog
> called out to
> him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a
> beautiful princess."
> He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his
> pocket.
> >The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me
> and turn me back
> into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for
> one week." The
> engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at
> it and returned
> it to the pocket.
> >The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn
> me back into a
> beautiful princess I'll stay with you and do
> ANYTHING you want."
> Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it
> and put it back
> into his pocket.
> >Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've
> told you I'm a
> beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a
> week and do
> anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
> >The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't
> have time for a
> girlfriend, but a TALKING frog, now that's cool!
> >
> >Lesson: Once again, NEVER fall for an engineer!!!
>
==============================
Subject: Sex


SOCIAL SECURITY SEX:
Two men were talking.
"So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know: I get a little each month,
but not enough to live on!"
LOUD SEX:
A wife went in to see a therapist and said,
"I've got a big problem, doctor.
Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes,
he lets out this ear splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural.
I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"
QUIET SEX:
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his
wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me
when you have an orgasm?" She glanced at him casually and
replied, "You're never home!"
CONFOUNDED SEX:
A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood"
was mangled and torn from his body.
His doctor assured him that modern medicine could
give him back his manhood, but that his insurance
wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered
cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for small, $6,500
for medium, $14,000 for large. The man was sure he would want a
medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his
wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the
phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the
room, and found the man looking dejected. "Well, what have the two of
you decided?" asked the doctor. The man answered, "She'd rather
remodel the kitchen".
WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX:
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th
wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting
you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As
Ever'." "Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a
headstone that
reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"
WOMEN'S HUMOR:
My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said,
"This will make you happy tonight."
He was right. When he went out of the bedroom,
I squirted it all over the doorknobs and he couldn't get back in.
===========================
Subject: Fw: SOME CARDS.....
NEVER SEE THE LIGHT OF THE
DAY!!!


1. I always wanted
To have someone to hold,
Someone to love.
After meeting you ... (inside card)
I changed my mind.
2. I must admit,
You brought religion into my life ... (inside card)
I never believed in Hell
Until I met you.
3. As the days go by,
I think how lucky I am ... (inside card)
That you're not here
To ruin it for me.
4. Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go ... (inside card)
Will you take the knife from my back?
You'll probably need it again.
5. Someday I hope to marry ... (inside card)
Someone other than you.
6. Happy birthday!
You look great for your age ... (inside card)
Almost lifelike!
7. When we were together,
You said you'd die for me.. . (inside card)
Now we've broken up,
I think it's time
To keep your promise.
8. We've been friends for a very long time ... (inside card)
What do you say we stop?
9. I'm so miserable without you ... (inside card)
It's almost like you're still here.
10. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. .
Did you ever find out who the father was
11. You are such a good friend
If we were on a sinking ship
And there was only one life jacket ... (inside card)
I'd miss you terribly
And think of you often.
12. Your friends and I wanted
to do something really special
for your birthday... (inside card)
So we're having you put to sleep.
13. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!

14. Looking back o'er the years
We've been together,
I can't help but wonder ... (inside card)
What was I thinking?
15. Congratulations on your wedding day!. . . (inside card)
Too bad no one likes your husband.
16. How could two people, as beautiful as you ... (inside card)
Have such an ugly baby?
Ashik Uzzaman
Ranch Hand

Joined: Jul 05, 2001
Posts: 2370

The following joke also from a friend's email.
LIE CLOCK

Donald Rumsfeld died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said Rumsfeld, "Whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie." "Incredible," said Rumsfeld. "And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

Where's Bush's clock?" asked Rumsfeld. "Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
R K Singh
Ranch Hand

Joined: Oct 15, 2001
Posts: 5371
Subject: Ant & Grasshopper!!!

Ant and the Grasshopper
CLASSIC VERSION...

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his
house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's
a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the
ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he
dies out in the cold.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
MODERN VERSION...

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his
house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's
a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and
demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed
while others are cold and starving.

BBC, CNN, NDTV show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper
next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled
with food.

The World is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be that this
poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?
Arundhati Roy stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house.
Amnesty International and Koffi Annan criticizes the Government for not
upholding the fundamental rights of the grasshopper.
The Internet is flooded with online petitions seeking support to the
grasshopper.
Opposition MP's stage a walkout.
Left parties call for "Bharat Bandh" in West Bengal and Kerala
demanding a Judicial Enquiry.
Finally, the Judicial Committee drafts the Prevention of Terrorism
Against Grasshoppers Act [POTAGA]", with effect from the beginning of
the winter.
The ant is fined for failing to comply with POTAGA and, having nothing
left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the
government and handed over to the grasshopper in a ceremony covered by
BBC, CNN and NDTV.
Arundhati Roy calls it "a triumph of justice".
Koffi Annan invites the grasshopper to address the UN General Assembly.
Gail Mikels
Ranch Hand

Joined: May 07, 2001
Posts: 634
1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.
2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.
3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path.
4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.
5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!
6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroids.
7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick.
8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.
9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quatro Sinko.
11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.
12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.
13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.
14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.
15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.
16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.
17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.
18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.
19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.


Gail Mikels
Ashik Uzzaman
Ranch Hand

Joined: Jul 05, 2001
Posts: 2370

Geography of a Woman
Between the ages of 15 - 20 a woman is like Africa.
She is half discovered, half wild.
Between the ages of 20 - 30 a woman is like America.
Fully discovered and scientifically perfect.
Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India & Japan.
Very hot, wise and beautiful.
Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France.
She is half destroyed after the war but still desirable.
Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Germany.
She lost the war but not the hope.
Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia.
Very wide, very quiet but nobody goes there.
Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England.
With a glorious past but no future.
After 70, they become Siberia.
"Everyone knows where is it, but no one wants to go there."
===========
Ashik
"Time makes the man"
Foundation & Empire by Isaac Asimov
Ashik Uzzaman
Ranch Hand

Joined: Jul 05, 2001
Posts: 2370

STUPID QUESTIONS WITH THE SMART ANSWERS
BOY : May I hold your hand?
GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.
GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me...
GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??
GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple
GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??
BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??
BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??

MARY : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly.What do u think, Peter?
PETER : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.
[ September 26, 2003: Message edited by: Ashik uzzaman ]
Ashik Uzzaman
Ranch Hand

Joined: Jul 05, 2001
Posts: 2370

STUPID QUESTIONS WITH THE SMART ANSWERS (CONTINUED)
Girlfriend : "...And are you sure you love me and no one else ?"
Boyfriend : "Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday".
Teacher : "Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?"
Pupil : "The moon".
Teacher : "Why?"
Pupil : "The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives us light only in the day time when we don't need it".
Teacher : "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?"
Pupil : "A teacher".
Waiter : "Would you like your coffee black?"
Customer : "What other colors do you have?"
My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called current affairs.
Teacher : "Sam, you talk a lot !"
Sam : "It's a family tradition".
Teacher : "What do you mean?"
Sam : "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher".
Teacher : "What about your mother?"
Sam : "She's a woman".
Tom : "How should I convey the news to my father that I've failed?"
David: "You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year's performance repeated".
Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?"
Student : "Brotherly love".
Teacher : "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
Sam : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook".
Patient : "What are the chances of my recovering doctor?"
Doctor : "One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've treated. The others all died".
Teacher : " Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
One Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day and at the same time."
Teacher : " George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him ?"
One Student: " Because George still had the axe in is hand."
Ashik Uzzaman
Ranch Hand

Joined: Jul 05, 2001
Posts: 2370

Always keep your condoms in your car
My friend and his girlfriend had been dating for over a year, and so they decided to get married. Their parents helped them in every way, their friends encouraged him, and his girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering him, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. His prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when quite near him and he got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked him to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when my friend arrived. She whispered to him that soon he was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for him that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told him that she wanted to make love to him just once before he got married and committed his life to her sister. My friend was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it, just come up and get me."
He was stunned. He was frozen in shock as he watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at him. He stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. He opened the door and stepped out of the house. He walked straight towards his car. His future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged him and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
The moral of this story is: "Always keep your condoms in your car".
Ashik Uzzaman
Ranch Hand

Joined: Jul 05, 2001
Posts: 2370

Globalization
Question: What is the Height of Globalization?
Answer : Princess Diana's death.
Question: How so?
Answer:
An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car, driven by a Belgian who was high on Scottish whiskey, followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles, treated by an American doctor. And this is sent to you by an Iranian, using Bill Gates' technology, and you are probably reading this on one of the IBM clones that use chips made in Hong Kong, and Korean made monitors, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by lorries driven by Indians, and shipped by ships owned by Greeks, using fuel produced by Arabs and finally sold to you by a South American salesman in a store owned by a Jewish guy!
Now, that's Globalization!!!
Varun Khanna
Ranch Hand

Joined: May 30, 2002
Posts: 1400
Recently the father of physics, Newton made a visit to India to watch a movie. He watched a few third grade
Indian movies and had his head spinning. In the movie of Mithun chakravarthy Newton dada was confused to such an extent that he went paranoid.
Here are a few scenes:
1) Mithunda has a Brain Tumor which, according to the doctors can't be cured and his death is imminent.
In one of the fights, Our great Mithunda is shot in the head. To everybody's surprise, the bullet passes through his ears taking away the tumor along with it and he is cured. Long Live Mithunda!
2) In one of the movies, Mithunda is confronted with 2 gangsters.Mithunda has a Gun but unfortunatelyonly one bullet. Guess, what he does....... He holds a knife in his hand and shoots the bullet towards the knife. The knife cuts the bullet into 2 pieces and kills both the gangsters. Then, Mithunda utters the following dialogue "Apun ka naam hai HIRA ,Apun ne sabko Chiraa".
3) Mithunda is chased by a gangster. Mithunda has a revolver but he got no bullets in it. Guess, what he does. Nah not even in your remotest imaginations. He waits for the gangster to shoot. As soon as the gangster shoots, Mithunda opens the bullet compartment of his revolver and catches the bullet. Then, he closes the bullet compartment and
fires his gun.Bang... And the gangster dies....
4) The heroine is tied to an electric chair and the remote is in the hands of the villain about 100 km away. As usual, the villain confronts the hero saying "Hathiyar phek do warna main yeh remote ka button dabake tumhari mehbooba ko mar doonga". The usual fight occurs and just as the hero makes the final blow, the villain dies but not before
he presses than damn button. Now what to do?
Sure enough, there is a horse and the hero jumps on it. Now there is a race: The current in the cable connected to the electric chair is moving fast but our hero and his horse are desparately trying to catch up.... goes on for a few km and just as the current would hit the chair, the hero jumps from the horse and picks the girl away from the chain and husssshhhh. She is saved. The poor electric current only goes to an empty chair. Climax, taaalian.Hero! Hero!! Hero!!!
This was too much for our Newton to take and he was completely shaken and he decided to go back. But he
happened to see a Rajnikanth movie for one last time and thought that at least one movie will follow his theory of physics.
The whole movies goes fine and newton is happy that all in the world hasnt changed. Oops not so fast. The climax finally arrives.Rajni gets to know that the villian is on the the other side of a very high wall. So high that Rajni can't jump even if he tries like one of those superman techniques that our heroes normally use. Rajni has to desparalety kill the villian because its the climax Newton dada is smiling since it is virtually impossible)..
Rajni suddenly pulls two guns from his pocket (Probably a backup).He throws one gun in the air and when the gun has reached the height of the wall,he shoots at the trigger of the first gun in air, with his second gun. Now the first gun
fires off and the villian is dead. Newton faints.


- Varun
Anonymous
Ranch Hand

Joined: Nov 22, 2008
Posts: 18944
About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Sikhs had
to
> leave
> > Italy. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Sikh community. So
> > the
> Pope
> > made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the
> > Sikh community. If the Sikhs won, the Sikhs could stay. If the Pope
> > won, the Sikhs would leave. The Sikhs realized that they had no
> > choice. So they picked a middle aged man named Santa Singh to
> > represent them. Santa
Singh
> > asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting,
neither
> > side would be allowed to talk. The Pope agreed. The day of the great
> debate
> > came. Santa Singh and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full
> > minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
> > Santa Singh
> looked
> > back at him and raised one finger.
> >
> > The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Santa Singh
> pointed
> > to the ground where he sat.
> >
> > The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Santa Singh pulled
> > out
an
> > apple.
> >
> > The Pope stood up and said, -"I give up. This man is too good. The
> > Sikhs
> can
> > stay."
> >
> > An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him
> > what
had
> > happened.
> >
> > The Pope said, First I held up three fingers to represent the
> > trinity.
He
> > responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still
> > one
> God
> > common to both our religions.
> >
> > Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around
> > us.
> He
> > responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also
> > right
> here
> > with us.
> >
> > I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us from
> > our
> sins.
> > He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin.
> >
> > He had answer for everything. What could I do?
> >
> > Meanwhile, the Sikh community had crowded around Santa Singh.
> >
> > What happened? they asked. Well, said Santa Singh, First he said to
> > me
> that
> > the Sikhs had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one
> > of
us
> > was leaving.
> >
> > Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Sikhs. I
> > let
him
> > know that we were staying right here.
> >
> > Yes, yes,.. and then??? asked the crowd.
> >
> > I don't know, said Santa Singh, He took out his lunch, so I took out
mine!
Anonymous
Ranch Hand

Joined: Nov 22, 2008
Posts: 18944
Friends,
read onn...
A gujarati family in gujarat was puzzled when the
coffin of their dead mother arrived from the U.S. It
was sent by one of the daughters.
The dead body so tightly squeezed into the coffin
there was no space left init.
When they opened the lid they found a letter on top
which read as follows:
My dear Brothers and Sisters,
I am sending our Mother's body to you since it was her
wish that she should be cremated in the Compound of
our ancestral home in Rajasthan.
Sorry I could not come along as all my paid leaves are
consumed.
You will find inside the coffin, under Amma's body, 12
cans of cheese, 10 packets of chocolate and 8 packets
of Badam. Please divide these among all of you.
On Mataji's feet you will find a new pair of Reebok
shoes (size 10 ) for Mohan.
Also there are 2 pairs of shoes for Radha's and
Lakshimi's sons.
Hope the sizes are correct. Mataji is wearing 6
American T- shirts. The large size is for Mohan and
the others are for my nephews. Just distribute them !
amongst yourselves.
The 2 new jeans that Mataji is wearing are for the
boys.
The Swiss watch that Rema wanted is on Mataji's left
wrist.
Shanta
Aunty, Mataji is wearing the necklace, earrings and
ring that you asked for.
Pleasetake them. The 6 pairs white cotton socks that
she is wearing must be divided among my teenager
nephews.
Please distribute all of these uniformly and if
anything more is required let me know since our dear
Pitaji is also not keeping well nowadays.
Your Sister
Love Aditi
Anonymous
Ranch Hand

Joined: Nov 22, 2008
Posts: 18944
This happened about a month or two ago near Lonavala and even though it sounds like something out of the X Files or from Alfred Hitchcock Presently... it's real! This guy drives from Mumbai to Pune and decides not to take the new expressway as he wants to see the scenery. The inevitable happens and when he reaches the ghats his car breaks down - he's stranded miles from nowhere. Having no choice he starts walking on the side of the road, hoping to get a lift to the nearest human abitation.

It's dark and raining and pretty soon he's wet and shivering. The night rolls on and no car goes by, the monsoon rains are so strong he can hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he sees a car coming towards him. It slows and then stops next to him - without thinking the guy opens the car's door and jumps in.
Seated in the back, he leans forward to thank the person who had saved him when he realizes there is nobody behind the wheel!!! Even though there's no one in the front seat and no sound of any engine, the car starts moving slowly. The guy looks at the road ahead and sees a curve coming (remember, this is in the hills and there is a steep,steep drop beyond the curve).

Scared almost to death he starts to pray, begging the Lord for his life. He hasn't come out of shock, when just before he hits the curve, a hand appears through the window and moves the wheel! The car makes the curve safely and continues on the road to the next bend. The guy, now paralyzed in terror, watches how the hand appears every time they are before acurve and moves the steering wheel just enough to get the car around each bend.Finally, the guy sees lights ahead. Gathering his courage he wrenches open the door of the silent, slowly moving car, scrambles out and runs as hard as he can towards the lights.It's a small town.

Wet and in shock goes to a roadside dhabba, which is open, and asks for a drink.They find some hooch and give him a shot. And he starts telling whoever is in the dhabba about the horrible experience he's just been through. A silence envelops everybody when they realize the guy isn't drunk, and is really frightened - he's crying and shaking. So they give him more hooch and talk about what they should do, whether to call the police or find a priest, or what.

But just then two guys(santa & banta) walk into the dhabba. One says to the other "Look, Banta - that's the guy who got in our car when we were pushing it
Anonymous
Ranch Hand

Joined: Nov 22, 2008
Posts: 18944
The chairman of the famous JEPPIAAR group of engineering colleges
talks to his students.
Jeppiar?....satyabama engg college,St.Joseph's engg college CEO!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
# About his family :
* I have two daughters. Both of them are girls...(?)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
# At the ground :
* All of you, stand in a straight circle.
* There is no wind in the balloon.
*The girl with the mirror please come her...{Meaning girl with
specs).
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
# To a boy, angrily :
* I talk, he talk, why you middle middle talk ?
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# Giving a punishment :
* You, rotate the ground four times...
* You, go and under-stand the tree...
* You three of you, stand together separately.
* Why are you late - say YES or NO ....(?)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
# Sir at his best :

Sir had once gone to a film with his wife.
By chance, he happened to see one of our boys at
the theatre, though the boy did not see them. So the
next day at school... ( to that boy ) - "
Yesterday
I saw you WITH MY WIFE at the Cinema Theatre"
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Inside the Class :
* Open the doors of the window. Let the atmosphere
come in.
* Open the doors of the window. Let the Air Force
come in.
* Cut an apple into two halves - take the bigger
half.
* Shhh...Quiet, boys...the principal just passed
away in the corridor
* You, meet me behind the class. (meaning AFTER
the class .. )
* Both of u three, get out of the class.
* Close the doors of the windows please. I have
winter in my nose today ...
* Take Copper Wire of any metal especially
of Silver.....
* Take 5 cm wire of any length....
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
once jeppiar had come late to a college function, by
the time the function had started, so he went to the
dais, and said, sorry i am late, because on the way my
car hit 2 muttons (Meaning goats).
--- End forwarded message ---
Anonymous
Ranch Hand

Joined: Nov 22, 2008
Posts: 18944
Magic of Math
1 x 8 + 1 = 9
12 x 8 + 2 = 98
123 x 8 + 3 = 987
1234 x 8 + 4 = 9876
12345 x 8 + 5 = 98765
123456 x 8 + 6 = 987654
1234567 x 8 + 7 = 9876543
12345678 x 8 + 8 = 98765432
123456789 x 8 + 9 = 987654321
Malhar Barai
Author
Ranch Hand

Joined: Aug 17, 2001
Posts: 399
Magic of Math - Part 2
1 x 9 + 1 = 10
12 x 9 + 2 = 110
123 x 9 + 3 = 1110
1234 x 9 + 4 = 11110
12345 x 9 + 5 = 111110
123456 x 9 + 6 = 1111110
1234567 x 9 + 7 = 11111110
12345678 x 9 + 8 = 111111110
123456789 x 9 + 9 = 1111111110
cheerz
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subject: Only fun forwards for fun ...