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Story Association

Rahul Rathore
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Joined: Sep 30, 2000
Posts: 324
I too want to make it big in the association game. So I hereby launch a new association business. I will start a story. Each poster must take up the story-line from the previous post and continue it. The contribution may be in one sentence or multiple sentences - Crazier the better.
So here goes:-

Once upon a time a red-nosed dog named Drivel boarded the space-shuttle Meaningless ...
Stevie Kaligis
Ranch Hand

Joined: Feb 04, 2001
Posts: 400
and as soon as Drivel arrived, Drivel start barking... "Anyone from India here? "
Nanjangud Nanjundaiah
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Joined: May 15, 2001
Posts: 186
The captain (Apu) of the shuttle, stroked his expansive forehead, and said "You! Wandering mongrel! Get out of my Mom and Pop operation."

The Rancher Formerly Known As Nanhesru Ningyake.
Sahir Shibley
Ranch Hand

Joined: Apr 08, 2000
Posts: 275
Originally posted by Rahul Rathore:
I too want to make it big in the association game


Tch, tch , tch. You disappoint us immensely brother Rahul. We are severely displeased with your indulgence in such plebian pursuits, hence we hereby revoke your right to be counted among the patricians.
Claudius Ignoramus Pompous IV
Emperor


[This message has been edited by Sahir Shibley (edited June 18, 2001).]
Stevie Kaligis
Ranch Hand

Joined: Feb 04, 2001
Posts: 400
Originally posted by Sahir Shibley:
Rahul...
we hereby revoke your right to be counted among the patricians.
Claudius Ignoramus Pompous IV
Emperor

Not to diminish your excitement Emperor Ignoramus, but it happens automatically after Rahulamus Baldamus Popeyeous have posted 32 messages ...
Hairyous Dudeous the Greatoust XXXIV


[This message has been edited by Stevie Kaligis (edited June 18, 2001).]
Rahul Rathore
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Joined: Sep 30, 2000
Posts: 324

Friends, Romans, Countrymen ... I have a dream. To establish the mightiest Association Empire on JRanch. If you think I will be distracted by the ramblings of petty jealous minds then think again. Baldamus shall conquer all - Veni, Vedi, Vici. So I continue the story from where Nan left off
Originally posted by Nanjangud Nanjundaiah:
The captain (Apu) of the shuttle, stroked his expansive forehead, and said "You! Wandering mongrel! Get out of my Mom and Pop operation."

Drivel, being a pedegree dog, was intensely enraged by this rude reaction. Captain Apu, the ugly offspring of the lusty Mom and Pop operation , had bitten off more than he could chew - more precisely - he was about to be bitten and chewed. So while Lieutenant Claudius and Lieutenant Hairyious looked on aghast, the dog pounced on Captain Apu and ate him up, especially savouring the delectable "expansive forehead". But Claudius and Hairyious were hardly prepared for what happened next. Suddenly POOF! Drivel had turned into a bewitching maiden. Unfortunately this transformation was not complete, and one could see something wagging in the rear. This spectacle was too much for poor Claudius. He swooned and fell into the arms of Hairyious. Hairyious himself was giving a good imitation of a rain-forest lashed by strong-winds. Meanwhile the countdown for the launch started ...


[This message has been edited by Rahul Rathore (edited June 18, 2001).]
Eager Beaver
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Joined: Feb 26, 2001
Posts: 187
Rahul,
Well, well, the whole thing seems to have taken a twist in the form of spawning 2 idealogically diff groups. The Plebians headed by Rahul and The Patricians guided by Johnson Chongson(SS). The Plebians are a zealous lot and driven by their commitment to improving the living conditions of its proletariats. The Patricians' ever oblivious to needs of its society are engrossed in their luxurious world tending to their HAIR and LOOKS and their slogan is 'If you don't have bread to eat then eat cake instead'.
An avowed Plebian.
Rahul Rathore
Ranch Hand

Joined: Sep 30, 2000
Posts: 324
Originally posted by Rahul Rathore:
...Meanwhile the countdown for the launch started ...


The countdown was however aborted due to an unforseen circumstance. At the last second, it was discovered that a Shuttle crew-member, Dr. Avowed Plebian, was missing ! Dr. Plebian, having gorged himself on Sattvic food the previous night, had overslept. He had nearly missed the shuttle. A special SAP team was sent to rouse Dr. Plebian. He was rushed to the launch center and kicked into the Shuttle, still bleary eyed and mumbling. But when he saw the lovely Drivel, his eyes nearly popped out and he whistled like a steam engine. Drivel would have none of it. She barked out orders, sending Claudius, Hairyous and Dr. Plebian scurrying to their respective stations. Meanwhile the countdown restarted ...


[This message has been edited by Rahul Rathore (edited June 18, 2001).]
Eager Beaver
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Joined: Feb 26, 2001
Posts: 187
Meanwhile words are making the round that the Flight Co-ordinator(RR) at the Earth Station has e(RR)ed in his duties by missing out on certain important preliminaries which also includes overseeing the diets of its crew. He will have to present himself before the Tribunal for Investigation of Botched Flights where he would be grilled by the top Hawks in the establishment for his unpardonable lapses. Blast off! The rocket takes off to a grand start.....soaring high....its a nebulous glow moving steadily upward. While the members at the Earth station are in a jubiliant mood at the successful launch RR is understandably perturbed.
Sahir Shibley
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Joined: Apr 08, 2000
Posts: 275


Stevie,
Hehehehe! I like that name Rahulamus Baldamus Popeyeous
Cheers
Sahir
Anonymous
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Joined: Nov 22, 2008
Posts: 18944
Guys can we PLEASE go back to the topic.
Anonymous
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Joined: Nov 22, 2008
Posts: 18944
May I know how to be a King?
Sahir Shibley
Ranch Hand

Joined: Apr 08, 2000
Posts: 275
Originally posted by Eager Beaver:
Well, well, the whole thing seems to have taken a twist in the form of spawning 2 idealogically diff groups. The Plebians headed by Rahul and The Patricians guided by Johnson Chongson(SS). ......

EB,
Since the Chongson conspiracy is now de-classified, I may as well tell you this , I am not Chongson, rather I am not specifically Chongson. The truth is, Chongson is legion, he is hydra. A hundred heads spring up to replace a compromised head. It is impossible to kill Chongson.
Cheers
Sahir
P.S. However the identities of the other Chongsons are still classified.


[This message has been edited by Sahir Shibley (edited June 18, 2001).]
Johnson Chongson
Greenhorn

Joined: May 16, 2001
Posts: 26
Originally posted by Sahir Shibley:
It is impossible to kill Chongson.

He is right.
Rahul Rathore
Ranch Hand

Joined: Sep 30, 2000
Posts: 324
Sahir, QUIET ! Don't you dare destroy my thread. You are making powerful enemies. Together, Wasabe and I will wreak terrible vengence. For starters we will inform your better-half about your dubious activities on the JRanch.
Now ignoring the despicable attempts to derail my thread, I continue the story from where Eager left off:-
Originally posted by Eager Beaver:
Meanwhile words are making the round that the Flight Co-ordinator(RR) at the Earth Station has e(RR)ed in his duties by missing out on certain important preliminaries which also includes overseeing the diets of its crew. He will have to present himself before the [b]Tribunal for Investigation of Botched Flights where he would be grilled by the top Hawks in the establishment for his unpardonable lapses. Blast off! The rocket takes off to a grand start.....soaring high....its a nebulous glow moving steadily upward. While the members at the Earth station are in a jubiliant mood at the successful launch RR is understandably perturbed.
[/B]


And thus new Captain Drivel, Lt. Claudius, Lt. Hairyous and Dr. Plebian soared to greatness. Whoever had said that "Heights attained by great men were not attained by sudden flight ..." was obviously talking through his hat. As the Shuttle moved into the gravity-free space, Drivel ordered Dr. Plebian to come on a space walk with her. Looking handsome in his space suit, Dr. Plebian accompanied Drivel into the space. Claudius and Hairyous were jealous and resentful. Outside in space, while Drivel repaired a damaged satellite, Dr. Plebian gave her a learned spiritual discourse. Drivel threw a large instrument in Dr. Plebian's direction. Fortunately for the spiritual world, she missed and the instrument plunged into orbit. Meanwhile unknown to the brave space-walkers there was trouble brewing aboard the shuttle. Claudius and Hairyous were making secret plans ...
Meanwhile closer to terra-firma Flight Coordinator Baldamus (alias RR) presented himself before the Tribunal for Botched Flights presided over by Hon'ble Mr. Justice Wasabe King. It may be recalled that Hon'ble Wasabe King had earlier decided the famous case of Asian men v/s White women. His tough no-nonsense approach would be a boon for the Botched Flights case. Unfortunately the first hearing was adjourned because Hon'ble King was suffering a stomach disorder. He had fallen victim to his Wasabe diet. The Wasabe diet it may be recalled had the potential to act as an alternative rocket fuel for future space launches. Relieved by this reprieve Baldamus took his ex-girlfriend's dog to the JRanch Pub to have a beer and do Yoga ...

Sahir Shibley
Ranch Hand

Joined: Apr 08, 2000
Posts: 275
[comment]
Hey, I am trying to help by providing you guys with ideas on how to develop your story. How about an encounter with a many headed serpent named Johnson Chongson from the planet Twerpo ? And going by the "if you cant beat 'em , join 'em" paradigm I shall contribute a paragraph.
[/comment]
[story]
That night Capt Drivel wrote in her diary. Dear diary,
The lieutenants Hairyous and Claudius are the most handsome men I have ever seen. In fact Lt.Hairyous is the spitting image of Mel Gibson. I wish I could get one of them alone away from those icky, bald asian fatties Dr. Plebian and Baldamus. But dear diary I doubt if anything will come of it. Being men of lofty moral standards they would not consider "having it off" with an ex doggie. Meanwhile I have to seriously consider reporting Dr.Plebian and Baldamus to the intergalactic tribunal for sexual harassment.
[/story]

[This message has been edited by Sahir Shibley (edited June 18, 2001).]
Rahul Rathore
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Joined: Sep 30, 2000
Posts: 324
The diary entry was a deliberate attempt by Drivel to mislead Hairyious and Claudius. She could smell trouble and wanted to get to the bottom of it. During her absence, C & H sneaked into her cell, and read her diary. "Good" they thought. "She suspects nothing" they thought. Then lulled into a false sense of security, they acted out their master plan. They unwrapped "tamsic" food which had been strictly banned by Dr. Plebian as a danger to national security. They commenced their party, unaware that Cap was watching this mutinous action. Suddenly the Cap Drivel appeared on the scene. As Claudius and Hairyious sat petrified, Cap Drivel underwent a terrible transformation. Suddenly she turned into a male hydra-headed monster. Drivel then proceeded to uproot the hair of Hairyious and stuff it down the throat of Claudius. Claudius saw his entire life passing before his eyes ...
Stevie Kaligis
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Joined: Feb 04, 2001
Posts: 400
while Lt.Claudius impounds himself in his room...., Lt.Hairyous decided to join Lt.Baldamus at JRanch Pub, when he got there something strange happen, everybody panic... screaming heard all over the place, Lt.Hairyous couldn't find Lt.Baldamus, but he saw his ex-girlfriend's dog siting on the corner crying, barking very loudly..., finally Lt.Hairyous saw Dr.Plebian, Mr.Justice Wasabe King & Lt.Baldamus on the stage, it looks like they were fighting...Dr.Plebian punch Lt.Baldamus on his face.., Mr.Wasabe grab the leg of Lt.Baldamus, while Captain Drivel (a red-nosed dog half Shark Klingon) keeps yelling...
pull..pull...get his foot out of his mouth

[This message has been edited by Stevie Kaligis (edited June 18, 2001).]
Anonymous
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Joined: Nov 22, 2008
Posts: 18944
This is appalling crap. Stop this extreme drivel immediately.
Stevie Kaligis
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Joined: Feb 04, 2001
Posts: 400
Originally posted by Concerned Rancher:
This is appalling crap. Stop this extreme drivel immediately.

suddenly there is an announcement form secretary of defenses department (Lt.RosRos Dutchers)...
Allert...Allert...We are under attack by Appallous Anonymous Crapous, they launch the missiel...I repeat, they launch the missiel... All trooper ready in position, we are going to strikes back...
[On The Deck]
Drivel : "On Screen..."
Capt Apu : "Aye Sir..."

Capt Apu : "Incoming plasma torpedo sir.."
Drivel : "Shields Up..."
meanwhile...the audio timer's still counting .. 16 seconds to the destination...15 seconds to the destination..

[This message has been edited by Stevie Kaligis (edited June 18, 2001).]
Eager Beaver
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Joined: Feb 26, 2001
Posts: 187
Hey Stevie,
You have all the makings of a web page designer. I loved your last post with those visuals!! Good one.
-EB.
Eager Beaver
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Joined: Feb 26, 2001
Posts: 187
Hey Concerned Rancher,
I see you as a 'Raucous Rancher' trying to spoil the fun. We would be only too happy to have people come and contribute heartily to this thread. Come on join in or stay away. Any more bickering would make u a 'Cornered Rancher'

-EB.

[This message has been edited by Eager Beaver (edited June 19, 2001).]
Eager Beaver
Ranch Hand

Joined: Feb 26, 2001
Posts: 187
The diary entry was a deliberate attempt by Drivel to mislead Hairyious and Claudius. She could smell trouble and wanted to get to the bottom of it. During her absence, C & H sneaked into her cell, and read her diary. "Good" they thought. "She suspects nothing" they thought. Then lulled into a false sense of security, they acted out their master plan. They unwrapped "tamsic" food which had been strictly banned by Dr. Plebian as a danger to national security. They commenced their party, unaware that Cap was watching this mutinous action. Suddenly the Cap Drivel appeared on the scene. As Claudius and Hairyious sat petrified, Cap Drivel underwent a terrible transformation. Suddenly she turned into a male hydra-headed monster. Drivel then proceeded to uproot the hair of Hairyious and stuff it down the throat of Claudius. Claudius saw his entire life passing before his eyes ...

Well, the slimy Hairyious just about manages to slip out of the clutches of the multi-headed hydra with his mop intact and the flexible Claudius making most of his gymnastic skills hops over and above the head of the slow moving hydra monster and runs for the safety of his bunker. Meanwhile Dr. Plebian is all eyes to the giant monitor in the control room....charting the path of the shuttle and taking evasive action to keep clear of passing meteors and asteroids WHEN his intergalactic beeper goes off. There is a news flash.....'An unexpected and sudden twist to the whole drama of delayed take off,there is much to it than meets the eye. The sleuths who have been relentlessly investigating the case since the shuttle's initial call-off have found evidence of subterfuge in the episode. The needle of suspicion is steadily pointing toward RR the flight co-ordinator and he has been arrested inside a pub in a state of stupor owing to uninhibited bouts of beer,lying on the dance floor....legs turned up and tucked behind his head, hands spread wide....probably a yogic stance. Meanwhile the shuttle continues sailing smoothly.....

-EB

[This message has been edited by Eager Beaver (edited June 19, 2001).]
Rahul Rathore
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Joined: Sep 30, 2000
Posts: 324
However the hydra-headed Drivel managed to catch them, and complete her unfinished mission. Hairyious screamed and Claudius let out deathly moans. The rainforest had brutally shifted location from Hairyious' head to Claudius throat. The Intergalactic undertaker watched on expectantly, smelling a business opportunity.
At this point, the lay reader may be excused for feeling slightly lost . "Cap Apu had been eaten by Drivel, long ago", the reader would say, referring to the missile attack post of SK ... "How then does Apu reappear on the scene?", the reader would ask, with justifiable agitation.
To resolve the reader's confusion, we rewind to the scene immediately after Drivel had consumed Cap Apu ... Drivel found to her misfortune, that Cap Apu was not easily digestible! ... The indigestion may be attributed to the effects of hearing a spiritual discourse delivered by Dr. Plebian, in the gravity-free environment. So our Cap Apu survived, the morning after. But being half-digested he could never regain his leadership. Now he discharged his duties under Drivel, keeping a strict vigil for incoming missile launched by the Intergalactic pirates.
The aware reader, however, is not so easily mollified . "What of Hairyious ?", he asks, referring to the JRanch Pub post of SK ... "Last we heard, he was safely ensconsed in the space-shuttle", the reader says ... "So, how the devil, does he meet Baldamus on mother earth ?", the reader demands.
The author here asks the reader to be more sympathetic. The reader may recall that Lt. Hairyious had his hair pulled out from his roots. The reader would agree that it is indeed an extremely painful and traumatic experience. The poor Lt. Hairyious may therefore be forgiven for babbling and hallucinating. What the poor deforested soul needs is a sympathetic shoulder to cry on ...
Meanwhile fast-forwarding to the current events, we watch with bated breath, the missile attack launched by the intergalactic rogue, Appallous Anonymous Crapous on the Shuttle Meaningless.
While Drivel and Cap Apu were bravely fending off the deadly missile attack, Dr. Plebain was delivering a solemn sermon to Sheriff Angela, ruler of the planet JRanch. Displaying the uncaring attitude reminiscent of one Mary Antoinette of France, the ruler was trying to shrug off her moral duty to give support to Wordperfect users. Dr. Plebian was trying to make her realize the folly of her ways.
Meanwhile Baldamus was becoming the subject of malicious rumours sponsored by Dr. Plebian. There was talk of "needle of suspicion" pointing to Baldamus. However Baldamus had more pressing concerns. The JRanch pub owner found Baldamus writhing, with his foot firmly wedged in his mouth. All efforts to get the foot unstuck were in vain. An international conference of foot and mouth surgeons was called to tackle this medical challenge. At the conference there was some confusion, because many of the participants thought it was about some cattle desease ...
And what of poor Claudius aboard the shuttle ? Claudius was still recovering from his Near Death Experience . His breathing was laboured and painful, ... what with all that hair in his mouth. However, he perked up slightly, on receiving a parcel by Intergalactic post, sent by his loving wife. He opened the parcel to find a moving symbol of her undying love, a rotten fish ...

[This message has been edited by Rahul Rathore (edited June 19, 2001).]
Eager Beaver
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Joined: Feb 26, 2001
Posts: 187
When last contacted the Earth Station was resonating with the near hysterical laughter of Baldamus at Hairyous discomfiture and Claudious's obvious unease and suffocation thus exhibiting a sadist side to his beguiling personality. Dr.Plebian, the good samaritan that he is, wastes no time in bringing relief to Hairyous's scalp and advises Claudious to strike the yogic pose of 'Shirshasana'(standing upside down) and cough out hard to eject the lump of entangled hair. Meanwhile Baldamus is cooling his heels in the dank cells where he has been incarcerated and awaits an enquiry later in the day. The officer on duty was contacted for his analysis of the whole affair. Apparently the dossier on Baldamus has been extracted from deep archives of the citizens' statistics bureau....records show his deep seated ambition to make it big on planet JRanch. This coupled with his strong belief in the adage 'Means justify the ends' may have driven him to be hand in glove with some foreign power seeking to thwart the space program. Dr.Plebian has been dumb struck by the new revelation which undermines his trust in Baldamus. Cap Drivel and Apu are wearing a much sombre look and are going about their work.Its day 3 on shuttle Meaningless.....the dust is seeming to settle. Flash news 'Dr. Plebian has been successful in deploying a protective electro-magnetic shield around the shuttle which acts to hide the ship from the scouring eyes of Appallous Anonymous Carpous's radar system'.
-EB.
PS : The whole episode has had a soul stirring affect on the Queen of JRanch. She has suddenly realised the folly of her arrogance and empathized with Hairyous and Claudious and in a bid to undo her previous wrongs has pledged total support to the WordPerfect guys.


[This message has been edited by Eager Beaver (edited June 19, 2001).]
Rahul Rathore
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Joined: Sep 30, 2000
Posts: 324
Baldamus was led out in Handcuffs to the Court of Hon'ble Mr. Justice Wasabe King. Justice Wasabe King looked sternly at Baldamus, but then suddenly he jumped up from his seat, and rushed to the judge's chamber. It was the Wasabe diet playing up, once again.
The Court waited for Hon'ble Wasabe. An hour later the sound of Hon'ble flush was heard. Then the "seat of justice" walked back regally, and sat down. Again he directed a stern look at Baldamus.
Baldamus winked and blew Hon'ble Wasabe a kiss. At this Justice Wasabe flared up. But anger was bad, very bad, when combined with Wasabe diet. So Justice Wasabe again jumped up, and rushed to his chamber.
An hour later, the grand majesty of justice again resumed his seat and stern stare. Then for the first time Hon'ble Wasabe noticed something - Baldamus had a red nose ! Again the Hon'ble Judge mimicked jumping jack and rushed back to his chamber.
But this time he did not return. The Court was informed by the Warrant Officer that Hon'ble Justice Wasabe King had left on an urgent trip to Bali. Intriguingly he also carried a carton of red paint with him. The case was adjourned indefinitely.
Baldamus was released on bail. To celebrate this temporary reprieve, Baldamus took Hairyious' ex-girlfriend's dog's sister to the JRanch pub to have beer and do Yoga ...

Conrad Kirby
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Joined: Jun 17, 2001
Posts: 178
Meanwhile, in a Galaxy far far away, Spock decided he was going to blow up something. So he blew up the universe. Oh well! Back where Drivel was doing stuff, he looked up to the sky. He only saw the blinding light for a split-second before being enveloped by the hellish fire. So it goes.
At any rate, all that happened to the story is now everything is set in Hell. Other than that, it's pretty much the same! Here's a visual of everyones mood now that they are all living in hell:

P.S. Drivel had a sex change!
[This message has been edited by Conrad Kirby (edited June 19, 2001).]
Anonymous
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Joined: Nov 22, 2008
Posts: 18944
Originally posted by Eager Beaver:
I see you as a 'Raucous Rancher' trying to spoil the fun.

May I know where is the fun here?
Stevie Kaligis
Ranch Hand

Joined: Feb 04, 2001
Posts: 400
Thank's to Dr. Plebian for has been successful in deploying a protective electro-magnetic shield around the shuttle which acts to hide the ship from the scouring eyes of Appallous Anonymous Carpous's radar system', in fact even Raucous Rancher can crack the system is not because he is smart, but it's because Dr.Plebian let him to do that so that Dr.Plebian can use the electro magnetic to make Raucous Rancher iron teeth stuck on the shield...so finally after using large hammer to break the Raucus iron teeth...the Uglyous Raucous Rancher got arrested...and lock him up on a quarantine room as a prisoner.
later on Lt.Baldamus paging Hon'ble Justice Wasabe King to get back from Bali and order him leave the Blondes so he can return to the ship asap...so justice can be made for Uglyous Raucous Rancher
while waiting for Hon'ble Justice Wasabe King, Dr.Plebian put his formula on Raucous glass, and soon it will turn Raucous into a Racoon....
histerycal Raucous crying, begging and kissing Dr.Plebian's foot, asking Dr.Plebian to turn him back to original..., and Raucous promise will do anything, so Dr.Plebian ordered him to stand in the corner for 2 hours and soon he must write "I am willing to learn how to have fun by putting my foot in my mouth" 100.000 times on wall....
Drivel smile...well done Dr.Plebian !

[This message has been edited by Stevie Kaligis (edited June 19, 2001).]
Rahul Rathore
Ranch Hand

Joined: Sep 30, 2000
Posts: 324
The story now takes an unexpected romantic turn. Since Dr. Plebian had a soft heart, he took pity on Raucous. Dr. Plebian now turned Raucous into a handsome strapping lad, wearing low slung six-shooters. Our hero, the strapping Racous walked into the JRanch Pub and there he found red-nosed Baldamus imitating an Octopus. Taking an instant dislike to Baldamus, Racous then pistol-whipped Baldamus. Leaving Baldamus in a horrible Yogic posture, Raucous walked out. The prettiest girl in JRanch town, the lovely Pet Peeve, had seen this magnificent display of male strength. She winked at Racous. Racous got down on his knees, took her hand, and said fervently: I lv u m grl. This was a great turn-on for Pet Peeve. What followed has been censored, since it constitutes illegal viewing even if you are above 18. Suffice it is to say that Racous and Pet Peeve were very much in love. This love only deepened when Racous later whipped Baldamus into more entertaining contortions. Racous and Peeve got married and lived happily ever after.
The story then takes a tragic turn. The Shuttle Meaningless which had warded off the attack from Appallous Anonymous Crapous, was now under attack from a far more powerful enemy - the intergalactic villain MicroSoftus. It turns out that Claudius was a Microsoftus mole. He sabotaged all defences on the space-shuttle leaving it helpless. What followed is too tragic to relate ...
Eager Beaver
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Joined: Feb 26, 2001
Posts: 187
Its day 4.....spaceship Meaningless sailing smoothly on its meaningful mission to unravel the mystery of this ever expanding universe. Things are going as per schedule and there has been no report of any untoward incident aboard the spaceship. Dr.Plebian is smugly complacent as he sits mulling over his succesful attempt at saving the ship from damage due to missiles fired from Appallous Anonymous Crapous. His diary contains an account of a rare telepathic vision he had yesterday which had him virtually catapulted to the bar on Earth where Baldamus and Raucuous were engaged in a brawl which concluded with Raucuous forcing Baldamus to strike a yogic pose. This display of raw masculine power had Pet Peeve hallucinating about Raucuous as a white male tearing apart a tough piece of meat....and she thought....yes! a dexterous hunter....my provider....my MAN and instantly fell for him.
Now, there seems to be a new danger looming ahead in the form of the intergalactic villian but the ship crew is unfazed for they know that in this new world of intergalactic missions which parallels the internet world on the Earth they are the Pioneers. Their ship is propelled by the perennial source of energy....the blazing redhot Orb....the Sun. With several missile thwarting aces up his sleeve Dr.Plebian is in the least perturbed. The highly sophisticated technology at work the spaceship has this ability to detect well in advance any potentially lethal missile that is fired at it and then set off a ultra fast process which would cause a blob of plasma from the Sun to be directed at the missile.....enough to turn it to cinders in no time. Thus equipped the Space ship sails smoothly boldly exploring new frontiers.
-EB.

[This message has been edited by Eager Beaver (edited June 20, 2001).]
Sahir Shibley
Ranch Hand

Joined: Apr 08, 2000
Posts: 275
Episode 31
The crew of Meaningless are detained on her majesties pleasure
Suddenly Lt Hairiyous' voice rang out "Unidentified object approaching from south east at altitude -4% Capn".
"This is exploratory vessel Meaningless, please identify yourself" Captain Drivel spoke into her headset. There was a brief crackle of static from the radio and then an ominous silence. "I repeat this is exploratory vessel Meaningless, you are getting too close for comfort, please identify yourself." said Captain Drivel sounding slightly hysterical. "This is Royal Airforce VX322, Commander Greg Harris speaking, please standby for docking". "Whats up Commander" said Drivel sounding slighly relieved. "I have orders to board your ship and escort you back to earth. Consider yourself relieved of your command". What ensued was rather unpleasant. An airforce warrant officer and flight lieutenant boarded Meaningless and locked up the entire crew in the cargo hold, where they were held until the ship landed at Heathrow. Then they were unceremoniously bundled into a police vehicle and taken to HMP Brixton. Early next morning they were woken up from their sleep and driven to the Blackfriars Crown Court in Pockock Street where they were presented before the presiding beak Wasabus Loudfartus. Meanwhile Drivel had turned herself back into a doggie. "Get that animal out of my court" the beak snarled at an officer of the court. The greatly relieved Drivel was shooed away by the officers of the court. Then judge Wasabe Loudfartus lowered his half moon reading glasses and impaled the unfortunate four with a baleful glare.
To be continued........


[This message has been edited by Sahir Shibley (edited June 21, 2001).]
Sahir Shibley
Ranch Hand

Joined: Apr 08, 2000
Posts: 275
Episode 32
The Trial
ACT I SCENE I
Blackfriars Crown court.
Loudfartus : Order in the court, please be seated. [glares at the defendants again]. Please read the charges.
Court Clerk : The accused Baldamous Popeyous , Hairyous Dudus , Dr. Plebius Beaverus and Claudius Ignoramus are charged with hijacking threads at Javaranch.
Loudfartus : Have you heard the charges?
Gang of four : [in unison] Yes me lud.
Loudfartus : How plead you?
Gang of four : Not guilty me lud.
[ a loud trumpeting of wild elephants fills the courtroom. The court clerk giggles. Loudfartus silences her with a glare]
Loudfartus : Do you have an attorney to represent you.
Gang of four : No me lud.
Loudfartus : Very well. Your trial will continue as soon as the court appoints an attorney to represent you. If you will excuse me I must go to the loo. The court is adjourned.
[Trumpeting of wild elephants is heard again from the chambers of justice Loudfartus]

[This message has been edited by Sahir Shibley (edited June 21, 2001).]
Rahul Rathore
Ranch Hand

Joined: Sep 30, 2000
Posts: 324
Shirshasana
.H
.|
!O!

Flashback
The Yoga Guru Baldamus knew that Yoga's Shirshasana, ought not to be performed unless there is a thick cushion of hair on the head. But testerone dulls the mind. And no one can stop Baldamus, when he is trying to impress his dog's ex-girlfriend's sister. And so Baldamus inverted himself in the classic Shirshasana stance ...
The resulting pressure on the head, caused damage to that portion of Baldamus' brain which keeps track of moral values. Consequently Baldamus started indulging in criminal and immoral activities. Baldamus was joined by Claudius, Hairyious and Dr. Plebian who had escaped from Brixton prison. This notorious gang brazenly hijacked others' space Shuttles (colloquially called "threads") causing wide-spread panic and suffering. Their most infamous crime was the Hijack of the Shuttle IWantFallInLove.
However the law ultimately triumphs. The harried Shuttle-owners of JRanch petitioned their ruler, to restore law and order. An ambush was laid for the notorious hijackers. They were trapped and handcuffed and then paraded to the Court of Hon'ble Mr. Justice Wasabus Loudfartus.
Fast-forwarding back to the current events.
The next date of hearing arrived. The Hon'ble Mr. Justice W. Loundfartus, fortified with antiacids, entered the Court. As the Hon'ble Justice lowered his ample "seat of justice" into his chair, a loud trumpeting of Wild Elephants, filled the Court Room. Officers of the Court solemnly sprayed room-freshners.
The Hon'ble Justice Loudfartus fixed Baldamus and his cronies with his now famous stern glare. The jury assembled. The proceedings of the Court commenced. Victims and Witnesses gave tearful testimony. Just when things looked bleak for Baldamus, a dramatic thing happened. Suddenly Baldamus bawled loudly and displayed his barren pate to the jury. This made the jury extremely sympathetic. They returned a verdict of not guilty.
The delighted Baldamus and his cronies were released. However being deeply religious men, they wanted to atone for their sins. Thus they went to confessional and performed community service building up new shuttles to replace the ones they had so brutally hijacked. Finally the High Priestess of JRanch Church Mother Lingus Wus blessed them and said they had been forgiven.
Thus infused with a spirit of holyness and goodness, Baldamus went to the JRanch pub to have beer and do Yoga. Hairyious, Claudius and Dr. Plebian were meanwhile busy repairing the damage to the Shuttle Meaningless.


[This message has been edited by Rahul Rathore (edited June 22, 2001).]
Anonymous
Ranch Hand

Joined: Nov 22, 2008
Posts: 18944

Baldamus,
Dont jump the gun. The trial continues. There are also a few hidden clues on the identity of Chongson in this scene.

<CENTER>ACT I Scene II</CENTER>

<PRE>
<center> Blackfriars Crown Court.
</center>
Court Clerk : Case number 2232/122-35.
Crown vs Popeyous , Beavurus , Dudus and Ignoramus. The honourable
Justice Wasabus Loudfartus presiding. Appearing for the crown
Mr. Righteous Indignatus and for the defense Mr. Ambulance Chaserus.
Loudfartus : Mr. Indignatus, you may proceed with your opening arguments.
[A slight commotion at the back of the courtroom. Raised voices are heard.
A bevy of lawyers lead by Sir Johnson Chongson walk down the aisle]
Chongson : Your honour I am Johnson Chongson from the law firm
Yingst , Paul , Bozeman , Carver and Chong. I shall be representing the defendants.
Hairyous : Hey, who hired this expensive dude to represent us ?
[tittering from the spectator's gallery]
Loudfartus : Quiet. [bangs his gavel and glares at Hairyous]
You are excused Mr Ambulance Chaserus. Has the defense prepared its brief?
Chongson : Yes your honour.
Loudfartus : You may proceed Mr. Indignatus.
Indignatus : Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury. The prisoners have been guilty
of the most despicable crimes ranging from hijacking threads ,
making lewd and vulgar comments, interfering with the love life of
fat asians and offending the sensibilities of delicately nurtured
chinese ladies. They have made sane discussions impossible and
torture the javaranchers with their weak attempts at humour.
As witness for the prosecution I wish to call Mr. Metallicus Tintinnus.
Court usher : Mr. Metallicus Tintinnus . Mr.Metallicus Tintinnus.
[Metallicus takes the stand and is administered the oath]
Court Clerk : State your full name and address please.
Metallicus : Metallicus Goofus Ridiculous Tintinnus. 82B Bakers Street.
Court Clerk : Nice name. Are you married?
Metallicus : Au contraire, mon amie. Single, unattached and a virgin to boot.
Court Clerk : [Moved] Coo!
Metallicus : Eh!
Court Clerk : You are a precious lamb. Would you like to ....
Loudfartus : [Thundering]SILENCE. [Court clerk shoots a dirty look at Loudfartus]
Indignatus : Mr. Tintinnus, could you tell the court how the gang of four
interfered with your love life and made life a living hell for
all and sundry at javaranch.
Chongson : Objection your honour.
Loudfartus : Shoot.
Chongson : I beg your pardon?
Loudfartus : State your objection counsellor.
Chongson : Attempt to lead the witness your honour.
Loudfartus : I dont think so. I will allow that question.
Metallicus : They destroyed my love thread, guv.
Indignatus : Were you upset by all this Mr.Tintinnus ?
Metallicus : Very much guv.
Indignatus : Thats all your honour.
Loudfartus : Do you wish to cross examine the witness ?
Chongson : You bet.
Loudfartus : [Frowning at this lack of respect] Your witness counsellor.
Chongson : Mr. Tintinnus, where is the body of the dead thread buried?
Metallicus : There was no body left guv, It was completely pulverised by them.
Chongson : I see. What you do for a living Mr Tintinnus ?
Metallicus : I am a computer programmer guv.
Chongson : Are you good at math ?
Metallicus : All programmers are good at math.
Chongson : That doesnt answer my question.
Metallicus : Yes.
Chongson : What is the square root of minus one?
Metallicus : Eh!
Chongson : What is the square root of minus one?
Metallicus : I dont know.
Chongson : May that point be noted your honour.
Court Clerk : I dont know how to spell squire root.
Loudfartus : Just put it down as "the witness was proved to be a jackass".
[Metallicus looks crestfallen]
Chongson : I have no more questions your honour.
[Loudfartus produces a note that would have put Louis Armstrong to shame]
Hairyous : Wow. Maestro.
Loudfartus : Are you a jazz fan Mr.Hairyous?
Hairyous : Yes your honour.
Loudfartus : You are a good man Mr.Hairyous. I like you [smiles].
Very well then, the court will adjourn for lunch now.
[exeunt]
</PRE>


Anonymous
Ranch Hand

Joined: Nov 22, 2008
Posts: 18944

Baldamus,
Dont jump the gun. The trial continues. There are also a few hidden clues on the identity of Chongson in this scene.

<CENTER>ACT I Scene II</CENTER>

<PRE>
<center> Blackfriars Crown Court.
</center>
Court Clerk : Case number 2232/122-35.
Crown vs Popeyous , Beavurus , Dudus and Ignoramus. The honourable
Justice Wasabus Loudfartus presiding. Appearing for the crown
Mr. Righteous Indignatus and for the defense Mr. Ambulance Chaserus.
Loudfartus : Mr. Indignatus, you may proceed with your opening arguments.
[A slight commotion at the back of the courtroom. Raised voices are heard.
A bevy of lawyers lead by Sir Johnson Chongson walk down the aisle]
Chongson : Your honour I am Johnson Chongson from the law firm
Yingst , Paul , Bozeman , Carver and Chong. I shall be representing the defendants.
Hairyous : Hey, who hired this expensive dude to represent us ?
[tittering from the spectator's gallery]
Loudfartus : Quiet. [bangs his gavel and glares at Hairyous]
You are excused Mr Ambulance Chaserus. Has the defense prepared its brief?
Chongson : Yes your honour.
Loudfartus : You may proceed Mr. Indignatus.
Indignatus : Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury. The prisoners have been guilty
of the most despicable crimes ranging from hijacking threads ,
making lewd and vulgar comments, interfering with the love life of
fat asians and offending the sensibilities of delicately nurtured
chinese ladies. They have made sane discussions impossible and
torture the javaranchers with their weak attempts at humour.
As witness for the prosecution I wish to call Mr. Metallicus Tintinnus.
Court usher : Mr. Metallicus Tintinnus . Mr.Metallicus Tintinnus.
[Metallicus takes the stand and is administered the oath]
Court Clerk : State your full name and address please.
Metallicus : Metallicus Goofus Ridiculous Tintinnus. 82B Bakers Street.
Court Clerk : Nice name. Are you married?
Metallicus : Au contraire, mon amie. Single, unattached and a virgin to boot.
Court Clerk : [Moved] Coo!
Metallicus : Eh!
Court Clerk : You are a precious lamb. Would you like to ....
Loudfartus : [Thundering]SILENCE. [Court clerk shoots a dirty look at Loudfartus]
Indignatus : Mr. Tintinnus, could you tell the court how the gang of four
interfered with your love life and made life a living hell for
all and sundry at javaranch.
Chongson : Objection your honour.
Loudfartus : Shoot.
Chongson : I beg your pardon?
Loudfartus : State your objection counsellor.
Chongson : Attempt to lead the witness your honour.
Loudfartus : I dont think so. I will allow that question.
Metallicus : They destroyed my love thread, guv.
Indignatus : Were you upset by all this Mr.Tintinnus ?
Metallicus : Very much guv.
Indignatus : Thats all your honour.
Loudfartus : Do you wish to cross examine the witness ?
Chongson : You bet.
Loudfartus : [Frowning at this lack of respect] Your witness counsellor.
Chongson : Mr. Tintinnus, where is the body of the dead thread buried?
Metallicus : There was no body left guv, It was completely pulverised by them.
Chongson : I see. What you do for a living Mr Tintinnus ?
Metallicus : I am a computer programmer guv.
Chongson : Are you good at math ?
Metallicus : All programmers are good at math.
Chongson : That doesnt answer my question.
Metallicus : Yes.
Chongson : What is the square root of minus one?
Metallicus : Eh!
Chongson : What is the square root of minus one?
Metallicus : I dont know.
Chongson : May that point be noted your honour.
Court Clerk : I dont know how to spell squire root.
Loudfartus : Just put it down as "the witness was proved to be a jackass".
[Metallicus looks crestfallen]
Chongson : I have no more questions your honour.
[Loudfartus produces a note that would have put Louis Armstrong to shame]
Hairyous : Wow. Maestro.
Loudfartus : Are you a jazz fan Mr.Hairyous?
Hairyous : Yes your honour.
Loudfartus : You are a good man Mr.Hairyous. I like you [smiles].
Very well then, the court will adjourn for lunch now.
[exeunt]
</PRE>

 
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