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Stupid Elephant Jokes

Junilu Lacar
Bartender

Joined: Feb 26, 2001
Posts: 4474
    
    6

How do you kill a Blue elephant?
Shoot it with a Blue elephant gun
How do you kill a Pink elephant?
There's no such thing as a Pink elephant gun, dummy. You pinch its trunk until it turns blue and then shoot it with a Blue elephant gun.
How do you hide an elephant in the jungle?
Paint its b*lls red and stick it up a cherry tree
Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?
See, it works!
How do you fit an elephant in a yellow Volkswagen?
Put him in the front seat
How do you fit two elephants in a yellow Volkswagen?
Put both in the front
How do you fit three elephants in a yellow Volkswagen?
Two in the front, one in the back.
How do you fit four elephants in a yellow Volkswagen?
Two in the front, two in the back.
How do you fit five elephants in a yellow Volkswagen?
You can't fit five elephants in a Volkswagen, dummy.
How do you know there are four elephants in your house?
There's a yellow Volkswagen parked in your driveway
How do you know there are four elephants hiding in your backyard?
There's a yellow Volkswagen parked in your driveway, your house is empty and you have a cherry tree in your backyard.
What do you do when a herd of elephants comes through your window?
Swim for your life
What's the loudest sound in the jungle?
Tarzan finding an elephant while picking cherries

Anybody got more stupid elephant jokes?


Junilu - [How to Ask Questions] [How to Answer Questions]
Chumma Fun
Ranch Hand

Joined: May 04, 2001
Posts: 92
A rat in a forest had crush on a female elephant. Oneday it expressed his desire, to have sex with the elephant. Stunned elephant, agreed for rat's request. They went to a coconut farm near by, and rat started its action. While rat reaching his climax, a coconut falls on elephant's head. Elephant made a big noise.. Unaware of this coconut incident, rat asked, "Is it painful..?"

Enjoy!
Dave Vick
Ranch Hand

Joined: May 10, 2001
Posts: 3244
How do tell if there is an elephant hiding in your refridgerator?
footprints in the jello.


Dave
Cindy Glass
"The Hood"
Sheriff

Joined: Sep 29, 2000
Posts: 8521
Why do elephants paint their toenails red?
So they can hide in a strawberry patch.


"JavaRanch, where the deer and the Certified play" - David O'Meara
Junilu Lacar
Bartender

Joined: Feb 26, 2001
Posts: 4474
    
    6

One day, while swinging through the trees, Tarzan takes a bad fall and breaks his arms, legs, and badly injures his "little Johnny". All the animals wanted to help their friend so they decide to donate some body parts. The chimpanzees give Tarzan two arms and the cheetahs give him two legs. After a while, the elephants come forward with a trunk to replace "little Johnny". A few months later, Tarzan has recovered and the animals come to visit to see how he was doing. "How are the new body parts, Tarzan?" Tarzan says "Oh, they're working out well, thank you. I can swing through the trees a lot better now with these arms and I can run a lot faster with these legs." After an awkward pause, the elephants can no longer stand the suspense. "What about the trunk, how is that working out?" "Well," says Tarzan, "Jane is very happy with it." "But, what?" ask the elephants, sensing that something is bothering their friend. "Well," says Tarzan, "my one complaint about it is that every time I go past a banana tree, it reaches out, grabs one, and stuffs it up my a**!"
Stevie Kaligis
Ranch Hand

Joined: Feb 04, 2001
Posts: 400
King of the Jungle
There was this tiger, who woke up one morning, and just felt great. He just felt so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" And this poor quaking little monkey replied: "You are of course, no one is mightier than you."
A little while later this tiger confronts a deer, and just bellows out: "WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages to stammer: "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle."
The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an elephant that was quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?"
Well, this elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams him down; picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of orange and black; and finally throws him violently into a nearby tree.
The tiger staggers to his feet and looks at the elephant and says: "Man, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so pissed."
George Brown
Ranch Hand

Joined: Sep 26, 2000
Posts: 919
How does an elephant get down from a tree?
it sits on a leaf and waits for autumn
Richard Boren
Ranch Hand

Joined: Mar 01, 2001
Posts: 233
An elephant with a tattoo of a skull on its trunk walks into a bar and ask for a drink.
The bartender tells the elephant, "I can't serve an elephant."
The elephant puts his trunk around the bartender and says, "What if I do a trick?"
The bartender nervously says, "Okay. For a trick."
Just then the elephant grabs up the bartender in his trunk and slams the bartender to the ground.
The elephant then says, "Now where's my drink."
Junilu Lacar
Bartender

Joined: Feb 26, 2001
Posts: 4474
    
    6

Originally posted by Richard Boren:
The elephant then says, "Now where's my drink."

I don't get it...
Dave Vick
Ranch Hand

Joined: May 10, 2001
Posts: 3244
me neither.
Or is something to do with the fact the elephant didn't do a trick?
Paul Ralph
Ranch Hand

Joined: Aug 10, 2000
Posts: 312
The trick was picking the bartender up and slamming him to the ground. Perhaps you just didn't find it funny.
Paul R
Junilu Lacar
Bartender

Joined: Feb 26, 2001
Posts: 4474
    
    6

Originally posted by Paul Ralph:
The trick was picking the bartender up and slamming him to the ground. Perhaps you just didn't find it funny.
I suppose you'd have to be a wrestling fan to appreciate it...
Richard Boren
Ranch Hand

Joined: Mar 01, 2001
Posts: 233
Hey!! Do I get an award for the stupidest elephant joke
First you have to have a very dry sense of humor to get this one.
Slamming the bartender into the ground is the elephant's trick, which in reality is not a trick at all. And to add insult to injury the elephant finishes off by still demanding the bewildered (from being slammed) bartender serve him his drink.

I guess I should have went with:
Where does an eight ton elephant sit?
Any place it wants.
Thomas Paul
mister krabs
Ranch Hand

Joined: May 05, 2000
Posts: 13974
How do you get down off an elephant?
You don't... you get down off a duck.
I think I heard that one when I was in the third grade.


Associate Instructor - Hofstra University
Amazon Top 750 reviewer - Blog - Unresolved References - Book Review Blog
C Joshi
Greenhorn

Joined: Nov 21, 2002
Posts: 3
---- Poor Joke ------
thiz iz abt elephant and ant...
happened in the fall of 00 long before the economic crisis...
elephant and ant went to bay area in search of job..
both were having 2 years solid java experience..
ant got a job immediately where az elephant didn't
even now the elephant is searching for job....
Why did ant got a job immediately eventhough both are equally qualified.....???

coz ant is sun certified.....
John Bateman
Ranch Hand

Joined: Mar 09, 2000
Posts: 320
coz? abt? az? thiz? iz?
Too hard to read all these abbreviations. it's like reading pig latin.
I can understand a typo here and there (I make alot myself) but man I had to pull out my hooked on phonics book just to understand what was being said.
P.S. Bad username!


SOURCE CODE should be SURROUNDED by "code" tags.
John Bateman
Ranch Hand

Joined: Mar 09, 2000
Posts: 320
How do you get a one armed elephant out of a tree?
Wave.
Cindy Glass
"The Hood"
Sheriff

Joined: Sep 29, 2000
Posts: 8521
Originally posted by cj:

coz ant is sun certified.....

a REAL java joke!
Or maybe this is a jakarta joke???
For those who doubt:
http://jakarta.apache.org/ant/

[This message has been edited by Cindy Glass (edited July 25, 2001).]
Aakanksha
Ranch Hand

Joined: Jul 17, 2001
Posts: 60
Here's another poor joke......

An ant and an elephant fell in love. Mama elephant was against it. On of their dates, they see mama elephant coming, ant says to elephant, 'quick hide behind me!'
C Joshi
Greenhorn

Joined: Nov 21, 2002
Posts: 3
sorry for all the abbreviatons.....
Another ... poor joke ...
Ant went and told something in elephant's ear...
Elephant fainted instantly...
What did ant said ...???
Ant said..
"Iam carrying your baby..."
Mike Stern
Greenhorn

Joined: Jul 26, 2001
Posts: 1
How do you trap an elephant?
Dig a pit that is 20 feet deep by 20 feet in diameter, line the bottom of the pit with ashes (so the elephant doesn't get hurt), cover the pit with leaves, and then line the rim of the pit with peas.
Then, when the elephant bends over to pick up a pea, kick him/her in the ash-hole
Sandra Lavigne
Greenhorn

Joined: Jul 30, 2001
Posts: 26
how do you put an elephant into a refridgerator?
open the door and stick him in
how do you get a giraffe into a refridgerator?
take out the elephant, put the giraffe in
the lion king is having a party and all the animals are there but one. who's missing?
the giraffe - he's still in the fridge.


------------------
live cruelty free ~ don't eat meat or use products tested on animals


live cruelty free ~ don't eat meat or use products tested on animals
lehmanra
Greenhorn

Joined: May 08, 2001
Posts: 27
How can you tell that an elephant has been in the Frig?
Simple, He leaves footbrings in the pizza.....


Richard A Lehman
Ronnie Johnson
Ranch Hand

Joined: Jul 28, 2001
Posts: 106
Where does a 9000000000 lb. blue elephant sit. Everywhere!
Craig Berry
Author
Greenhorn

Joined: Aug 02, 2001
Posts: 25
Why do elephants have big ears?
Because Noddy wouldn't pay the ransom


Craig Berry<br />Author of <a href="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1861005083/ref=ase_electricporkchop" target="_blank" rel="nofollow">Professional EJB</a>
paul wheaton
Trailboss

Joined: Dec 14, 1998
Posts: 20586
    ∞

How can you tell if elephants have been having sex in your back yard?

The garbage can liners are missing.


permaculture Wood Burning Stoves 2.0 - 4-DVD set
Mani Ram
Ranch Hand

Joined: Mar 11, 2002
Posts: 1140
A sexy female elephant passes by. What do the loafer elephants say about her?
Look, 36000 - 24000 - 36000!


Mani
Quaerendo Invenietis
shan Iyer
Ranch Hand

Joined: Jul 13, 2005
Posts: 391
A sexy female elephant passes by. What do the loafer elephants say about her? Look, 36000 - 24000 - 36000!



[ July 27, 2007: Message edited by: Shankar Iyer ]

Warm Regards, S.Iyer
SCJP1.4, SCWCD1.4
Mani Ram
Ranch Hand

Joined: Mar 11, 2002
Posts: 1140
Originally posted by Mani Ram:
A sexy female elephant passes by. What do the loafer elephants say about her?
Look, 36000 - 24000 - 36000!


On second thought, should it be 36000 - 48000 - 36000 instead? Which will be sexier for an elephant? :roll:
Anoushka Sharma
Ranch Hand

Joined: Apr 10, 2006
Posts: 113
Q: What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants in the distance?

A: "Look, a herd of elephants in the distance"


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Q: What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants with sunglasses

A: Nothing. He doesn't recognize them.


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Q: What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of giraffes in the distance?

A: "Haha! You fooled me once with those disguises, but not this time!"


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Q: What is the difference between en elephant and a plum?

A: An elephant is grey.


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Q: What does Jane say when she sees a herd of elephants in the distance?

A: "Look! A herd of plums in the distance" (Jane is colour blind)


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Q: How do you get four elephants into a Mini?

A: Two in the front, two in the back.


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Q: What game do four elephants in a mini play?

A: Squash


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Q: How do you get an elephant into the fridge?

1. Open door.
2. Insert elephant.
3. Close door.


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Q: How do you get a giraffe into the fridge?

1. Open door.
2. Remove elephant.
3. Insert giraffe.
4. Close door.


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Q. The lion, the king of the jungle, decided to have a party. He invited all the animals in the jungle, and they all came except one. Which one?

A. The giraffe, because he was still in the fridge.


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Q: How do you know there are two elephants in your fridge?

A: The door won't close.


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Q: How do you know there are three elephants in your fridge?

A: There'll be one waiting outside in the Mini.


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Q: How can you tell that an elephant has been in your fridge?

A: By the footprints in the butter.


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Q: How do you get an elephant out of the water?

A: Wet.


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Q: How do you get two elephants out of the water?

A: One by one.


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Q: Why do elephants wear shoes with yellow soles?

A: So you don't see them when they float upside down in a bowl of custard.


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Q: Have you ever seen an elephant floating upside down in a bowl of custard?

A: No, of course not.


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Q: Why do elephants live in herds?

A: To get a wholesale reduction on the shoes with yellow soles.


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Q: How do you smuggle an elephant across the border?

A: Put a slice of bread on each side, and call him "lunch".


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"An elephant is a mouse with an operating system"


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Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?

A: With a blue elephant gun, of course.


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Q: How do you shoot a yellow elephant?

A: Ever seen a yellow elephant?!!!


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Q: Why are elephants wrinkled?

A: Have you ever tried to iron one?


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Q: Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?

A: Because it was dead.


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Q: Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree?

A: It was glued to the first one.


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Q: Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree?

A: It thought it was a game.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: And why did the tree fall down?

A: It thought it was an elephant.


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Q: How many legs does an elephant have?

A: Four, two in the front, two in the back.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why did the elephant cross the road?

A: Chicken's day off.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What was the elephant doing on the motorway?

A: About 5 mph (8kph in the rest of the world)


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: How do you get an elephant into a VW?

A: Open the car door, put the elephant inside, close the door.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: How do you put an elephant into a fridge?

A: Open the VW door, take the elephant out, close the VW door, open the fridge, put the elephant inside, close the fridge.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: How do you get 4 elephants into a Volkswagen?

A: 2 in the front and 2 in the back


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: How do you know if there are 3 elephants in your fridge?

A: Can't get the fridge door closed.


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Q: How do you know if there are 4 elephants in your fridge?

A: There's a VW parked outside it.

Q: How do you get 8(!) elephants in a fridge?

A: Put four in a VW, four in another VW, put the two VW's in the fridge, A fridge large enough to hold two elephants can surely hold two VW's!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: How do you get Tarzan in the fridge?

A: Open door, get two VW's out, put Tarzan in, close door.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: How do you know Tarzan is in the fridge?

A: You can hear Tarzan scream OYOYOYOIYOIYOOOOOO


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Q: How do you get two Tarzans in the fridge?

A: You can't, silly. There is only one Tarzan!


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Q: Why are there so many elephants running around free in the jungle?

A: The fridge isn't large enough to hold them all.


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Q: How many elephants can you actually put in a fridge?

A: Depends on the number of elephants.


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Q: What did the fifth elephant in the VW discover?

A: The sun roof.


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Q: The Lion (king of the animals) gathered all the animals for a meeting, all of them showed up except the elephants. Why?

A: They were stuck in the VW.


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Q: How many giraffes can you fit in a VW?

A: None, the elephants are in there!


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Q: What do you call two elephants on a bicycle?

A: Optimistic!


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Q: What do you get if you take an elephant into the city?

A: Free Parking.


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Q: What do you get if you take an elephant into work?

A: Sole use of the elevator.


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Q: How do you know if there is an elephant in the pub?

A: It's bike is outside.


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Q: How do you know if there are two elephants in the pub?

A: There is a dent in the cross-bar.


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Q: How do you know if there are three elephants in the pub?

A: Stand on the bike and have a look in the window.


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Q: Why do elephants wear tiny green hats?

A: To sneak across a pool table without being seen.


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Q: How many elephants does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Don't be stupid, elephants can't change light bulbs.


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Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant with a whale?

A: A submarine with a built-in snorkel.


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Q: How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed?

A: Your nose is touching the ceiling.


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Q: Why do elephants wear sandals?

A: So that they don't sink in the sand.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why do ostriches stick their head in the ground?

A: To look for the elephants who forgot to wear their sandals.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: How do you make a dead elephant float?

A: Well, you take 10 dead elephants, 10 tons of chocolate ice-cream, 5 tons of bananas,.....


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Q: How do you get an elephant on top of an oak tree?

A: Stand him on an acorn and wait fifty years.


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Q: What if you don't want to wait fifty years?

A: Parachute him from an airplane.


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Q: Why isn't it safe to climb oak trees between 2 and 4 in the afternoon?

A: Because that is when the elephants practice their parachute jumping.


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Q: What is a furry alligator?

A: A bear that went into the woods at 3 o'clock.


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Q: Why do ducks have flat feet?

A: From stamping out forest fires.


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Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?

A: From stamping out flaming ducks.


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Q: Why are elephants feet shaped that way?

A: To fit on lily pads.


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Q: Why isn't it safe to go onto the lily pads between 4 and 6 in the afternoon?

A: That's when the elephants are walking on the lily pads.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why are frogs so short?

A: They go onto the lily pads between 4 and 6 in the afternoon.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?

A: 5 O'clock (trick question - not "Time to get a new fence..")


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Q: Why do elephants paint the soles of their feet yellow?

A: So that they can hide upside-down in bowls of custard.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Did you ever find an elephant in your custard?

A: No? Well, it must work.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What do you know when you see three elephants walking down the street wearing pink sweatshirts?

A: They're all on the same team.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: How do you know if there's an elephant in bed?

A: He has a big 'E' on his pajamas jacket pocket.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging?

A: Take away his credit card.


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Q: Why do elephants have trunks?

A: Because they would look silly with glove compartments.


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Q: What did the elephant say when he saw a dead ant on the road?

A: Deadant! Deadant! Deadant!!! (to be sung).


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What did he say when he saw a live ant on the road?

A: He stamped it to death and then said "Deadant! Deadant! Deadant!!!".


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Q: What do you give a seasick elephant?

A: Lots of room.


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Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with an ant?

A: A dead ant.


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Q: How many elephants does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Two, but you need a real big bulb.


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Q: What has two tails, two trunks and five feet?

A: An elephant with spare parts


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Q: What is more difficult than getting an elephant into the back seat of your car?

A: Getting TWO elephants into the back seat of your car!


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Q: What's grey and puts out forest fires?

A: Smokey the Elephant.


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Q: What happens when an elephant sits in front of you at the movies?

A: You miss most of the picture!


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Q: What did the peanut say to the elephant?

A: Nothing, peanuts can't talk.


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Q: How many elephants can you fit into a Mercedes?

A: 5. Two in the front, two in the back, and one in the glove compartment.


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Q: How do you know when an Elephant has been in the baby carriage?

A: By the footprints on the baby's forehead!


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Q: What is beautiful, gray and wears glass slippers?

A: Cinderelephant.
Burkhard Hassel
Ranch Hand

Joined: Aug 25, 2006
Posts: 1274
Howdy, ranchers!


The following I translated from the following web site:
http://www.linuxi.de/wiefaengtmaneinenelefanten.html



How to catch an elephant

C programmers
first estimate the memory needed with sizeof, try to allocate it, forget to check the result and eventually fire wild pointers towards the elephant.

C++ programmers
insist that TheElephant is a class and therefore has to care about the methods how to catch it on its own. In any case the elephant leaves Africa, its destructor will be called automatically.

Computer scientists (bachelors)
hunt elephants by invoking



Assembler programmers
run algorithm A on hands an knees.

Computer scientists (masters)
change algorithm A in the way, that they place an animal known as "elephant" in Cairo to assert that the programm will terminate properly in any case.

Windows programmers
first ask somebody to explain them, what an elephant is. Then they proceed with algorithm A interrupting it periodically to give duck hunters the chance to go on with their hunt for an certain amount of time. During the waiting time, they redraw the map of Africa.
If there is a fox hunt at the same time, the duck hunters will reduce their speed, so they will be slower than the ducks. The duck hunters will have their pauses longer and longer because they are not cooperative to give the elephant hunters more time for their hunt. Eventually the task to catch an elephant will be declared a fatal error and the hunters freeze and stay motionless just where they are at that time point.

Engineers
hunt elephants by going to Africa and catching every grey animal. They take it as an elephant if its weight is in a 15% range of a previous caught elephant.

Lawyers
send a subpoena to all elphants residing in africa threatening coercive fine and to bring the accused before the judge in hand cuffs.

Lisp programmers
build a maze of braces hoping the elephant will get lost in it.

Mathematicians (bachelors)
catch elephants by going to Africa, removing everything that is not an elephant and finally catch an element of the residual set.

Mathematicians (masters)
first try to prove the existence of an unambigous elephant before proceeding like the bacholors, taking the hunt as an unimportant mock test.

Professors for mathematics
proove the existence of at least one definite elephant leaving the tracing and hunting of the elephant up to their students.

Modula programmers
import an elephant to/from a zoological garden.

Natural programmers
order an elephant from ADABAS

Pascal programmers
mark a point on the map, write END left from that point and hope Niklaus Wirth will be trampled on.

Social education workers
hunt elephants in Argentina.

Probation officers
first try to understand the elephant.

SQL programmers
simply use SELECT Elephant FROM Africa.

Statisticians
catch the first animal they find n times and call it "elephant".

System analists
are theoretically in the position to estimate a correlation between the size of the hats and the hit indices if only somebody would tell them what an elephant is.

Economists
don't hunt elephants. But they are convinced, that the elephants would surrender themselves if they are payed enough.

Management consultants
don't hunt elephants. And many management consultants have never ever caught anything. But you can hire them hourwise for good advice.

US army scientists
develop a biological weapon that annihilates all plants and animals in Africa except elephants. After firing it, they send the Marines to clean up.

Virus programmers
send a mouse to the Cape and wait in Cairo for the stampede.

Archaeologists
only catch elephants when they are covered with at least 100 ft of soil.

Biologists
are happy with analysing elephant dung.

Java Programmers
instantiate class AnElephantInAfrica an let the garbage collector do the rest.

Perl Programmers
again make it easy for themselves: $_ =~ s/elephant/deadElephant/g;





Yours,
Bu.
Steph Buzdygan
Greenhorn

Joined: Aug 15, 2008
Posts: 2
How do you fit five elephants in a VW?
- Two in the front, two in the back and one in the glove compartment

How do you know if one elephant has been in your fridge?
- There is one set of tracks in your butter.

How do you know if two elephants have been in your fridge?
- There are two sets of tracks in your butter.

How do you know if three elephants have been in your fridge?
- There are three sets of tracks in your butter.

How do you know if four elephants have been in your fridge?
- There are four sets of tracks in your butter.

How do you know if five elephants have been in your fridge?
- There's a VW parked outside

How do elephants disguise themselves in a strawberry patch?
- They paint their toenails red.

Have you ever seen an elephant in a strawberry patch?
- Then it obviously works!

Stupid and meaningless I know but its really funny when you tell them quickly.
[ August 15, 2008: Message edited by: Steph Buzdygan ]
Pat Farrell
Rancher

Joined: Aug 11, 2007
Posts: 4659
    
    5

How do you know if an elephant is hiding in your dining room?

The smell of peanuts on his breath.
Ylva Degerfeldt
Ranch Hand

Joined: Feb 12, 2008
Posts: 30
Q: What do you get if you cross a kangaroo and an elephant?
A: HUGE holes all over Australia.

Q: What do female elephants use as tampons?
A: Sheep.

(That was really ugly. I know..)
 
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subject: Stupid Elephant Jokes