How do you kill a Blue elephant? Shoot it with a Blue elephant gun How do you kill a Pink elephant? There's no such thing as a Pink elephant gun, dummy. You pinch its trunk until it turns blue and then shoot it with a Blue elephant gun. How do you hide an elephant in the jungle? Paint its b*lls red and stick it up a cherry tree Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? See, it works! How do you fit an elephant in a yellow Volkswagen? Put him in the front seat How do you fit two elephants in a yellow Volkswagen? Put both in the front How do you fit three elephants in a yellow Volkswagen? Two in the front, one in the back. How do you fit four elephants in a yellow Volkswagen? Two in the front, two in the back. How do you fit five elephants in a yellow Volkswagen? You can't fit five elephants in a Volkswagen, dummy. How do you know there are four elephants in your house? There's a yellow Volkswagen parked in your driveway How do you know there are four elephants hiding in your backyard? There's a yellow Volkswagen parked in your driveway, your house is empty and you have a cherry tree in your backyard. What do you do when a herd of elephants comes through your window? Swim for your life What's the loudest sound in the jungle? Tarzan finding an elephant while picking cherries
A rat in a forest had crush on a female elephant. Oneday it expressed his desire, to have sex with the elephant. Stunned elephant, agreed for rat's request. They went to a coconut farm near by, and rat started its action. While rat reaching his climax, a coconut falls on elephant's head. Elephant made a big noise.. Unaware of this coconut incident, rat asked, "Is it painful..?"
One day, while swinging through the trees, Tarzan takes a bad fall and breaks his arms, legs, and badly injures his "little Johnny". All the animals wanted to help their friend so they decide to donate some body parts. The chimpanzees give Tarzan two arms and the cheetahs give him two legs. After a while, the elephants come forward with a trunk to replace "little Johnny". A few months later, Tarzan has recovered and the animals come to visit to see how he was doing. "How are the new body parts, Tarzan?" Tarzan says "Oh, they're working out well, thank you. I can swing through the trees a lot better now with these arms and I can run a lot faster with these legs." After an awkward pause, the elephants can no longer stand the suspense. "What about the trunk, how is that working out?" "Well," says Tarzan, "Jane is very happy with it." "But, what?" ask the elephants, sensing that something is bothering their friend. "Well," says Tarzan, "my one complaint about it is that every time I go past a banana tree, it reaches out, grabs one, and stuffs it up my a**!"
King of the Jungle There was this tiger, who woke up one morning, and just felt great. He just felt so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" And this poor quaking little monkey replied: "You are of course, no one is mightier than you." A little while later this tiger confronts a deer, and just bellows out: "WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages to stammer: "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle." The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an elephant that was quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?" Well, this elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams him down; picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of orange and black; and finally throws him violently into a nearby tree. The tiger staggers to his feet and looks at the elephant and says: "Man, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so pissed."
An elephant with a tattoo of a skull on its trunk walks into a bar and ask for a drink. The bartender tells the elephant, "I can't serve an elephant." The elephant puts his trunk around the bartender and says, "What if I do a trick?" The bartender nervously says, "Okay. For a trick." Just then the elephant grabs up the bartender in his trunk and slams the bartender to the ground. The elephant then says, "Now where's my drink."
Originally posted by Paul Ralph: The trick was picking the bartender up and slamming him to the ground. Perhaps you just didn't find it funny. I suppose you'd have to be a wrestling fan to appreciate it...
Joined: Mar 01, 2001
Hey!! Do I get an award for the stupidest elephant joke First you have to have a very dry sense of humor to get this one. Slamming the bartender into the ground is the elephant's trick, which in reality is not a trick at all. And to add insult to injury the elephant finishes off by still demanding the bewildered (from being slammed) bartender serve him his drink.
I guess I should have went with: Where does an eight ton elephant sit? Any place it wants.
---- Poor Joke ------ thiz iz abt elephant and ant... happened in the fall of 00 long before the economic crisis... elephant and ant went to bay area in search of job.. both were having 2 years solid java experience.. ant got a job immediately where az elephant didn't even now the elephant is searching for job.... Why did ant got a job immediately eventhough both are equally qualified.....???
coz? abt? az? thiz? iz? Too hard to read all these abbreviations. it's like reading pig latin. I can understand a typo here and there (I make alot myself) but man I had to pull out my hooked on phonics book just to understand what was being said. P.S. Bad username!
SOURCE CODE should be SURROUNDED by "code" tags.
Joined: Mar 09, 2000
How do you get a one armed elephant out of a tree? Wave.
Joined: Sep 29, 2000
Originally posted by cj: coz ant is sun certified.....
An ant and an elephant fell in love. Mama elephant was against it. On of their dates, they see mama elephant coming, ant says to elephant, 'quick hide behind me!'
Joined: Nov 21, 2002
sorry for all the abbreviatons..... Another ... poor joke ... Ant went and told something in elephant's ear... Elephant fainted instantly... What did ant said ...??? Ant said.. "Iam carrying your baby..."
How do you trap an elephant? Dig a pit that is 20 feet deep by 20 feet in diameter, line the bottom of the pit with ashes (so the elephant doesn't get hurt), cover the pit with leaves, and then line the rim of the pit with peas. Then, when the elephant bends over to pick up a pea, kick him/her in the ash-hole
how do you put an elephant into a refridgerator? open the door and stick him in how do you get a giraffe into a refridgerator? take out the elephant, put the giraffe in the lion king is having a party and all the animals are there but one. who's missing? the giraffe - he's still in the fridge.
------------------ live cruelty free ~ don't eat meat or use products tested on animals
live cruelty free ~ don't eat meat or use products tested on animals
C programmers first estimate the memory needed with sizeof, try to allocate it, forget to check the result and eventually fire wild pointers towards the elephant.
C++ programmers insist that TheElephant is a class and therefore has to care about the methods how to catch it on its own. In any case the elephant leaves Africa, its destructor will be called automatically.
Computer scientists (bachelors) hunt elephants by invoking
Assembler programmers run algorithm A on hands an knees.
Computer scientists (masters) change algorithm A in the way, that they place an animal known as "elephant" in Cairo to assert that the programm will terminate properly in any case.
Windows programmers first ask somebody to explain them, what an elephant is. Then they proceed with algorithm A interrupting it periodically to give duck hunters the chance to go on with their hunt for an certain amount of time. During the waiting time, they redraw the map of Africa. If there is a fox hunt at the same time, the duck hunters will reduce their speed, so they will be slower than the ducks. The duck hunters will have their pauses longer and longer because they are not cooperative to give the elephant hunters more time for their hunt. Eventually the task to catch an elephant will be declared a fatal error and the hunters freeze and stay motionless just where they are at that time point.
Engineers hunt elephants by going to Africa and catching every grey animal. They take it as an elephant if its weight is in a 15% range of a previous caught elephant.
Lawyers send a subpoena to all elphants residing in africa threatening coercive fine and to bring the accused before the judge in hand cuffs.
Lisp programmers build a maze of braces hoping the elephant will get lost in it.
Mathematicians (bachelors) catch elephants by going to Africa, removing everything that is not an elephant and finally catch an element of the residual set.
Mathematicians (masters) first try to prove the existence of an unambigous elephant before proceeding like the bacholors, taking the hunt as an unimportant mock test.
Professors for mathematics proove the existence of at least one definite elephant leaving the tracing and hunting of the elephant up to their students.
Modula programmers import an elephant to/from a zoological garden.
Natural programmers order an elephant from ADABAS
Pascal programmers mark a point on the map, write END left from that point and hope Niklaus Wirth will be trampled on.
Social education workers hunt elephants in Argentina.
Probation officers first try to understand the elephant.
SQL programmers simply use SELECT Elephant FROM Africa.
Statisticians catch the first animal they find n times and call it "elephant".
System analists are theoretically in the position to estimate a correlation between the size of the hats and the hit indices if only somebody would tell them what an elephant is.
Economists don't hunt elephants. But they are convinced, that the elephants would surrender themselves if they are payed enough.
Management consultants don't hunt elephants. And many management consultants have never ever caught anything. But you can hire them hourwise for good advice.
US army scientists develop a biological weapon that annihilates all plants and animals in Africa except elephants. After firing it, they send the Marines to clean up.
Virus programmers send a mouse to the Cape and wait in Cairo for the stampede.
Archaeologists only catch elephants when they are covered with at least 100 ft of soil.
Biologists are happy with analysing elephant dung.
Java Programmers instantiate class AnElephantInAfrica an let the garbage collector do the rest.
Perl Programmers again make it easy for themselves: $_ =~ s/elephant/deadElephant/g;