More from Steve Wright:
I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time"
So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot
cards.
I got a full house and four people died.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
I think I've forgotten this before.
I went to a general store.
They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery.
When I got there, the guy was locking the front door.
I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours"
He said, "Yes, but not in a row"
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
So I had to buy them again.
While I was gone, someone stole everything in my apartment
and replaced it with an exact replica.
When I told my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?"
I installed a skylight in my apartment.
The people who live above me are furious!
In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything.
Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check.
Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany.
She said, "Cut it out"
On the ceilings in my house,
I have paintings of the rooms above so I never have to go upstairs.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.
You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone.
When I came back the entire area was missing.
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights.
Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.
Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish.
My dreams were broadcast all over the world.
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me,
"Did you sleep well?"
I said, "No, I made a few mistakes"
I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information.
She said, "Hello, Information"
I said, "I can't find my socks"
She said, "They're behind the couch"
I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.
I was born by Caesarian section...but not so you'd notice.
It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.
When I was a little kid we had a sand box.
It was a quicksand box.
I was an only child...eventually.
Well, you know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so far that you almost fall over backwards, but at the last instant you catch yourself? That's how I feel all the time.
I was reading the dictionary.
I thought it was a poem about everything.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
I had some eyeglasses.
I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
I have the world's largest collection of seashells.
I keep it on all the beaches of the world...perhaps you've seen it.
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck,
but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
My friend has a baby.
I'm writing down all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
Today I dialed a wrong number.
The other side said, "Hello?" and I said,
"Hello, could I speak to Joey?"
They said, "Uh, I don't think so...He's only two months old"
I said, "I'll wait"
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture.
You don't have to go.
You'll just be walking down the street,
and...ooooohhhhhh, that's much better.
I went to a museum where they had all the heads and arms from all the statues in all the other museums.
I lived in a house that ran on static electricity... If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head.