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best one liners

Anuj Anand
Ranch Hand

Joined: Nov 18, 2000
Posts: 96
Watz your best liners pals......
Mine is
"If it doesnt make cents, it doesnt make sense"
Cindy Glass
"The Hood"
Sheriff

Joined: Sep 29, 2000
Posts: 8521
From Steve Wright: http://www.ae.utexas.edu/~london/humor/SteveWright.html

I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.
I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is; it's always room-temperature.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
You can't have everything...where would you put it?
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time"
So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.
I got a full house and four people died.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
I think I've forgotten this before.
I went to a general store.
They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery.
When I got there, the guy was locking the front door.
I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours"
He said, "Yes, but not in a row"
I love to go shopping.
I love to freak out salespeople.
They ask me if they can help me, and I say,
"Have you got anything I'd like?"
Then they ask me what size I need, and I say,
"Extra medium"
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
So I had to buy them again.
While I was gone, someone stole everything in my apartment
and replaced it with an exact replica.
When I told my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?"
I installed a skylight in my apartment.
The people who live above me are furious!
In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything.
Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check.
Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany.
She said, "Cut it out"
On the ceilings in my house,
I have paintings of the rooms above so I never have to go upstairs.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.
You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
I have an answering machine in my car.
It says, "I'm home now.
But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out"
I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said,
"Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?"
"Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long"
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign.
He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?"
I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read"
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose.
Now when I get pulled over, the cop looks at it
[moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly],
and says, "Here, you can go"
The judge asked, "What do you plead?"
I said, "Insanity, your honor.
Who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"
When I get real bored,
I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot,
then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone.
When I came back the entire area was missing.
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights.
Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.
For a while I didn't have a car...I had a helicopter...no place to park it, so I
just tied it to a lamp post and left it running.
[slow glance upward]
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.
Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish.
My dreams were broadcast all over the world.
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me,
"Did you sleep well?"
I said, "No, I made a few mistakes"
I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information.
She said, "Hello, Information"
I said, "I can't find my socks"
She said, "They're behind the couch"
I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.
I was born by Caesarian section...but not so you'd notice.
It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.
When I was a little kid we had a sand box.
It was a quicksand box.
I was an only child...eventually.
Well, you know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so far that you almost fall over backwards, but at the last instant you catch yourself? That's how I
feel all the time.
I was reading the dictionary.
I thought it was a poem about everything.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
I had some eyeglasses.
I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
I have the world's largest collection of seashells.
I keep it on all the beaches of the world...perhaps you've seen it.
I have a map of the United States...actual size.
It says, "Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile"
I spent last summer folding it.
I also have a full-size map of the world.
I hardly ever unroll it.
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck,
but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
Smoking cures weight problems...eventually.
I took a course in speed waiting.
Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
My friend Winnie is a procrastinator.
He didn't get his birth mark til he was eight years old.
If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.
My friend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour.
I said, "The whole time"
I just bought a microwave fireplace.
You can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes.
My friend has a baby.
I'm writing down all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
I like to torture my plants by watering them with ice cubes.
Today I dialed a wrong number.
The other side said, "Hello?" and I said,
"Hello, could I speak to Joey?"
They said, "Uh, I don't think so...He's only two months old"
I said, "I'll wait"
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture.
You don't have to go.
You'll just be walking down the street,
and...ooooohhhhhh, that's much better.
I got a new shadow.
I had to get rid of the other one.
It wasn't doing what I was doing.
I was arrested today for scalping low numbers at the deli...sold #3 for $28 bucks.
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included...so I had to buy them again. What do batteries run on?
Why is the alphabet in that order?
Is it because of that song...guy who wrote that wrote everything.
I went to a museum where they had all the heads and arms from all the statues in all the other museums.
Why is it a penny for your thoughts, but you have to put your two-cents in.
Every once in a while I like to stick my head out the window, look up at the sky and smile...for a satellite picture.
I used to be a proofreader for a skywriting company.
Once I worked for a natural organic health food store in Seattle, Washington...one day a man walked in and said "If I melt dry ice can I swim without getting wet." I
said, "I don't know...let me ask Tony."
I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.
I bought a ticket on Airline Bizarre...a one-way round-trip ticket...
You leave any Monday and they bring you back the previous Friday...
that way you still have the weekend.
I got an answering machine for my phone...now, when I'm not home and somebody calls me up...they hear a recording of a busy signal.
Sorry...my mind was wandering...one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn't pay for.
I walked up to a beautiful woman in a bar and I said "Do you live around here often?"
And she said, "You're wearing two different colored socks"...and I said, "I know, but to me they're the same, I go by thickness."
I have the oldest typewriter in the world...it types in pencil.
I was walking my dog around my building on the ledge...a lot of people are afraid of heights...
not me, I'm afraid of widths.
My dog is an East German Shepherd.
My girlfriend has a Queen-size bed...
I have a CourtJester size bed...
it's red and green, has bells on it...
and the ends curl up.


"JavaRanch, where the deer and the Certified play" - David O'Meara
Pranav Jaidka
Ranch Hand

Joined: Sep 14, 2000
Posts: 264
One of my favourites.
Dont argue with a pig .
You both get dirty.
And the pig likes it.
Tevoc Roux
Greenhorn

Joined: Oct 11, 2001
Posts: 9
Great minds discuss ideas;
Average minds discuss events;
Small minds discuss people.
Objects can only be interacted with by sending them messages, and a system performs it's operations through the behavior associated with those messages.
my personal motto:
I am a pit bull on the pant leg of opportunity.

------------------
Whatever you will do will be insignifigant, but it is very important that you do it. ~Mahatma Gandhi
Amitabh Sharma
Ranch Hand

Joined: Oct 11, 2001
Posts: 126

"Never let morals stop you from doing the right thing"
- Unknown (to me)
Michael Ernest
High Plains Drifter
Sheriff

Joined: Oct 25, 2000
Posts: 7292

"Consistency is the hobgoblin of a small mind." - Mark Twain
"One must master the tools of the trade in order to throw them away effectively." - Lord Byron
"I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy." - Unknown
"Always tell the truth, and you'll have less to remember." - Twain

Make visible what, without you, might perhaps never have been seen.
- Robert Bresson
Amitabh Sharma
Ranch Hand

Joined: Oct 11, 2001
Posts: 126
Cindy,

All of them are funny (:-
This is my favourite among them:
Every once in a while I like to stick my head out the window, look up at the sky and smile...for a satellite picture.
zaeem masood ashar
Ranch Hand

Joined: Mar 17, 2001
Posts: 54
Life is like a dog-sled team..if you aint the lead dog the scenry never changes


SCJP2
Ashik Uzzaman
Ranch Hand

Joined: Jul 05, 2001
Posts: 2370

Code once, run anywhere.....
------------------
Muhammad Ashikuzzaman (Fahim)
Sun Certified Programmer for the Java� 2 Platform
--When you learn something, learn it by heart!


Ashik Uzzaman
Senior Member of Technical Staff, Salesforce.com, San Francisco, CA, USA.
Jan Bolinger
Greenhorn

Joined: Oct 30, 2001
Posts: 8
Excuses are the babysitters for our unproductivity!
What you tolerate now will be what destroys you later!
Commitment and Loyalty lies in trust and truth - JB
Love is blind, but when one receives ones' sight and can still love, that is true love - JB
A joy that is shared is doubled; A sorrow that is shared is halved.
Just like a bird, confined in a cage;
I cannot always choose my boundaries,
but I can choose my song!
It is a foolish person who won't give up, that which he cannot keep, for that which he cannot lose.
Love unexpressed is love unknown!
Don't doubt in the dark, what God has shown you in the light!
A lie will go half-way around the world before the truth gets its' boots on.
I'd rather step out into the darkness holding the hand of God, than walk the well-lit path without him.
You cannot borrow, nor can you lend, right standing with God.
If you lose the power to laugh, you lose the power to think - Clarence Darrow
If we expire when we die, shouldn't we inspire while we live? - George Goldtrap


jrebel7
Mike Curwen
Ranch Hand

Joined: Feb 20, 2001
Posts: 3695

My all time favourite one liner is:

***
Nice shoes, wanna f***?
***

Ok, maybe you meant a different kind of one-liner.
Here's a cleaner one anyways:

***
Did you clean your pants with Windex?
- Why?
Because I can see myself in them.
***

And yes, I frequently "go there".
Bob Reardon
Ranch Hand

Joined: Jun 01, 2000
Posts: 160
Another one form Steven Wright:
If you are in a vehicle traveling at the speed of light and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?
I have a huge crush on my dental hygenist. So while I am in the waiting room, I eat a whole bag of Oreo cookies.
Dave Vick
Ranch Hand

Joined: May 10, 2001
Posts: 3244
I like this one:
"Just becasue you're paranoid doesn't mean there isn't someone following you."

Dave
Jenn Green
Greenhorn

Joined: Nov 26, 2000
Posts: 28
I've always been a fan of "Two peanuts were walking in a park... one was assaulted"... makes me giggle every time.
JG
Jenn Green
Greenhorn

Joined: Nov 26, 2000
Posts: 28
AND, i forgot this one in the last post... in the movie Shrek when the Gingerbread, during interrogation by the evil Falstad, yells out "EAT ME!". That movie was far too entertaining to be pushed as a kids film!!!
JG
 
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subject: best one liners