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Only fun forwards for fun ...

R K Singh
Ranch Hand

Joined: Oct 15, 2001
Posts: 5371
here is mine ...

=================
day when you just need to take it out on someone !


Don't take that bad day out on someone you know, take it out on someone
you DON'T know...


Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I
had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered saying,
"Hello?" I politely said, "This is Fred Hanifin and could I please speak
to Robin Carter?"

Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that
anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and
called her. She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly. After I
hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my
desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more
answered, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and hung up.


Next to his phone number I wrote the word "asshole," and put it in my
desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a
really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and I'd yell, "You're an
asshole!" It would always cheer me up.


Later in the year the Phone Company introduced caIler ID. This was a
real setback for me; I would have to stop calling the asshole. Then one
day I had an idea. I dialed his number and when I heard his voice,
"Hello?" I made up a name. "Hi. I'm with the Telephone Company and I'm
just calling to see if you'd be interested in our caller ID program?"
"No!" he shouted and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back
and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"

Keep reading this, it gets better!........


A few days later I was driving into the local supermarket. An old lady
at the shopping center really took her time pulling out of a parking
space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car
began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot. I
backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. "Great",
I thought, she's finally leaving.


All of a sudden this black BMW comes flying up the parking aisle in the
wrong direction and pulls into her space. I hit the horn and started
yelling, "You can't do that. I was here first!" The guy climbed out of
his BMW completely ignoring me. He walked toward the shopping center as
if I didn't even exist. I thought to myself, this guy's another asshole;
there sure are a lot of assholes in this world. Then I noticed he had a
"For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the phone
number. Then I hunted for another place to park.


A couple of days later, I'm sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off
the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling, "You're an asshole!" (It's
really easy since I have his number on speed dial now.) I noticed the
phone number of the guy with the black BMW there on my desk and thought
I'd better call this guy, too. After a couple rings someone answered the
phone and said, "Hello." I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for
sale?"


"Yes, it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the car's
parked right out front."


I said, "What's your name?"


"My name is Don Hansen."
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home in the evenings."
"Listen Don, can I tell you something?"
"Sure..."
"Don, you're an asshole!" And I slammed the phone down.


Then, I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer. I must say, for a
while things seemed to be going much better for me. Now when I had a
problem I had two assholes to call. Then, after several months of
calling the assholes and hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable
as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought and came up
with this solution:


First, I had my phone speeddial asshole #1. A man answered nicely,
"Hello?"


I yelled "You're an asshole!", but I didn't hang up.


The asshole said, "Are you still there?"


I said, "Yeah."
He said, "Stop calling me."
I said, "Make me."
He said, "What's your name, pal?"
So I told him, "Don Hansen."
He said, "Where do you live?"
"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black BMW's parked
out front."
"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your
prayers."
"Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole!", and I hung up.


Then I called asshole #2. Don Hansen answered, "Hello?"
I said, "Hello, asshole."
He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?"
"I'll kick your ass."
"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now, asshole."
And I hung up. Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told
them I was on my way to 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to
kill my gay lover as soon as I got there. Another quick call to Channel
13 about the gang war going on down on West 34th Street... After that I
climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole
thing.


Glorious satisfaction! Watching two assholes kicking the crap out of
each other in front of 6 squad cars, a police helicopter and a news crew
was one of the greatest experiences of my life!

Well, Now you know what to do if you have a really bad day !!!

================
[ March 30, 2006: Message edited by: R K Singh ]

"Thanks to Indian media who has over the period of time swiped out intellectual taste from mass Indian population." - Chetan Parekh
R K Singh
Ranch Hand

Joined: Oct 15, 2001
Posts: 5371
****************************************************
Actual letter of resignation from an employee at Zantex Computers, USA, to his boss.

His boss apparently resigned very soon afterwards !

Dear Mr Baker,
As an employee of an institution of higher education, I have a few very basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superiors have an intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel.
After your consistent and annoying harassment of my co-workers and myself during the commission of our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few true genetic wastes of our time. Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little nuance of everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only a waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen. I was hired because I know how to network computer systems, and you were apparently hired to provide amusement to myself and her employees, who watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of "cut and paste" for the hundredth time.
You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as binary still gives you too many options. You will also never understand why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even though I am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an IP is. Your shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever will.
You walk around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for fault in others. You have a sharp dressed useless look about you that may have worked for your interview, but now that you actually have responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent will cover for your glaring ineptitude. In a world of managerial evolution, you are the blue-green algae that everyone else eats and laughs at.
Managers like you're a sad proof of the Dilbert principle.
Seeing as this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a full frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to tender my resignation, however I have a few parting thoughts.
1. When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal to give me a bad recommendation. The most you can say to hurt me is "I prefer not to comment." I will have friends randomly call you over the next couple of years to keep you honest, because I know you would be unable to do it on your own.
2. I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I know every password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to get cute, I am going to publish your "favourites list", which I conveniently saved when you made me "back up" your useless files. I do believe that terms like "Lolita" are not usually viewed favourably by the administration.
3. When you borrowed the digital camera to "take pictures of your mothers B-day", you neglected to mention that you were going to take pictures of yourself in the mirror nude. Then you forgot to erase them like the techno-moron you really are. Suffice it to say I have never seen such odd acts with a ketchup bottle, but I assure you that those have been copied and kept in safe places pending the authorising of a glowing letter of recommendation. (Try to use a
spell check please, I hate having to correct your mistakes.)
Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of recommendation on my desk by 8:00 am tomorrow. One word of this to anybody, and all of your little twisted repugnant obsessions will be open to the public. Never f*** with your systems administrator. Why? Because they know what you do with all that free time!
>
>Sincerely
>
>Darryl Brewer.
R K Singh
Ranch Hand

Joined: Oct 15, 2001
Posts: 5371
> Life isn't fair to men.
>
> Thought 1:
> When we are born, our mother's get the compliments and the flowers.
> When we are married, our brides get the presents and the publicity.
> When we die, our widows get the life insurance. What do women want to be
> liberated from?
>
>
>
> Thought 2:
> The average man's life consists of - twenty years of having his mother
> ask him where he is going;
> Forty years of having his wife ask the same question;
> And at the end, the mourners wondering too.
>
>
>
> Thought 3:
> A Man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind: u
> take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."
> The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him.
> The man was astonished. He went on, and after a while he was going to
> cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If
> you take one more step a car will run over you, and you will die."
> The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around
> the corner, barely missing him.
> "Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?" "I am your guardian
> angel," the voice answered. "Oh, yeah?" the man asked. "And where the
> hell were you when I got married?"
R K Singh
Ranch Hand

Joined: Oct 15, 2001
Posts: 5371
> >
> > >>Once there was a cooking competition, in which the
> > contestants were
> > >>an
> > >>>American, an Italian and a Sardar.
> > >>>The Judges are taking their rounds and visit the
> > American Kitchen
> > >>>they see
> > >>>the American making Burgers and Fries, they are good
> > but the
> > >>>Judges are
> > >>>not very impressed. Then they go to the Italian
> > kitchen where they
> > >>>smell
> > >>>Pizza's and Pasta and are quite impressed.
> > >>>When they come to the Sardar's kitchen he is seen
> > stirring
> > >>>something in a
> > >>>large frying pan on a very large stove with a lot of
> > smoke coming
> > >>>from the
> > >>>pan. As the judges are unable to see what he is
> > cooking they go
> > >>>closer to
> > >>>take a look and they find the pan completely empty.
> > They ask the
> > >>>Sardar
> > >>>"Tusi Ki bana rahe ho?" (What are you doing ??)
> > >>>Sardar says "This is our national dish, Main CHUTIYA
> > bana raha (I am fooling everyone)
> > >>>hoon."
> > >>
> >
R K Singh
Ranch Hand

Joined: Oct 15, 2001
Posts: 5371

TEACHER: Why are you late?
Johnny Martin: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
Johnny Martin: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go
Slow."
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
TEACHER: Johnny, why are you doing your maths sums on
the floor?
JOHNNY: You told me to do it without using tables!
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
JOHNNY: "HIJKLMNO"!!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
JOHNNY: Yesterday you said it's H to O!
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
TEACHER: Johnny, go to the map and find North America.
JOHNNY: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Johnny!
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
TEACHER: Johnny, name one important thing we have
today that we
didn't have ten years ago.
JOHNNY: Me!
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
TEACHER: Johnny, why do you always get so dirty?
JOHNNY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you
are.
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
JOHNNY: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
JOHNNY: Your name on this report card.
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting
insects?
JOHNNY: Don't bite any.
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
TEACHER: Johnny, give me a sentence starting with "I".
JOHNNY: I is...
TEACHER: No, Johnny. Always say, "I am."
JOHNNY: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the
alphabet."
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
Teacher: "Can anybody give an example of
"COIINCIDENCE?"
Johnny : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the
sameday
sametime."
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
Teacher: "George Washington not only chopped down his
father's
Cherry tree but also admitted doing it. Now do you
know why his
father didn't punish him?"
Johnny : "Because George still had the axe in his
hand."
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
Johnny: Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt?
Father: No. Why do you ask that?
Johnny: Well, where did you get THIS mummy then?
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
Teacher : What a pair of strange socks you are
wearing, one is
green
and one is blue with red spots!
Johnny : Yes it's really strange. I've got another
pair of the
same
at home.
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
Teacher: Now, children, if I saw a man beating a
donkey and
stopped
him, what virtue would I be showing?
Johnny: Brotherly love.
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
Teacher: Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say
prayers before
eating?
Johnny : No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good
cook.
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
Teacher: Johnny, your composition on "My Dog" is
exactly the same
as
your brother's. Did u copy his?
Johnny: No, teacher, it's the same dog
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
Teacher: What do you call a person who keeps on
talking when
people
are no longer interested?
Johnny : A teacher.
Anonymous
Ranch Hand

Joined: Nov 22, 2008
Posts: 18944
public class Ravish extends JokeThread
{
public static void main(String[] args)
{
Ravish ravish = new Ravish();
ravish.start();
}
public void run()
{
while(!getAudience())
{
System.out.println(postJokes);
}
}
public static boolean getAudience()
{
return false;
}
private char[] postJokes()
{
String garbage = "garbage"
return garbage.getChars();
/*
*/
}
}
R K Singh
Ranch Hand

Joined: Oct 15, 2001
Posts: 5371
Originally posted by <MyThread>:

.
.

Bad programming ... put this class in some package..
AW here is some more garbage ..
Indian heriones
Balaji Loganathan
author and deputy
Bartender

Joined: Jul 13, 2001
Posts: 3150
Originally posted by Ravish Kumar:
Indian Heronies

Let me guess
First one is Aish
then kajol
then Kareena
then Karishma
then Sonali
Am I right ??
Oh my God.. today I worked very hard..
Anonymous
Ranch Hand

Joined: Nov 22, 2008
Posts: 18944
My guess:
1) Diya Mirza
2) Kajol
3) kareina Kapoor
4) Karishma Kapoor
5) sonali bendre
6) Amisha Patel
Anonymous
Ranch Hand

Joined: Nov 22, 2008
Posts: 18944
when i die, i want to die like my Grand father in his sleep and not like the people sitting in his car SCREAMING!!
Anonymous
Ranch Hand

Joined: Nov 22, 2008
Posts: 18944
You want to die in Grandpa's sleep?
R K Singh
Ranch Hand

Joined: Oct 15, 2001
Posts: 5371
I think no. 1 is Madhuri...

AW here is more ..
==========

> >
> > Arjun is disillusioned & Krishna is trying to clear
> > that disillusionment...
> >
> > Krishna : Try to respect the e-mails of your elders,
> > Arjun.
> >
> > Arjun : But Vasudev, how dare I send junk mails to my
> > honorable elders and brothers who are logged on
> > honorable domain?
> >
> > Krishna : Paarth, at this moment they neither are your
> > friends nor your foes. They are mere mail-users.So
> > follow your Net-dharma. Logon and sending dozens of
> > junk mails is your Karma and this alone is your
> > Dharma.
> >
> > Arjun : Hey Murari ! After seeing all this I feel like
> > resigning from the Software Industry.
> >
> > Krishna : Bandhu, it seems you are caught in a vicious
> > circle of Maaya. In this material world you have None
> > and you are committed to None. Junk mails have
> > existed before you came to this world and shall remain
> > Long after you are gone. Rise above this Maaya and
> > Perform your duty. Just keep firing junk mails.
> >
> > Arjun : But Devki Nandan...........!
> >
> > Krishna : ......Victory or failure is not in Your
> > hands. So stop pondering about results. Don't waste
> > your knowledge on the junk shastra bestowed by
> > your Guru Dronacharya.
> >
> > Arjun : Hey Keshav, how is junk mail related to The
> > system ?
> >
> > Krishna : Junk mail is just junk mail. It has no
> > connection with hardware. However, it is another
> > aspect that it overloads the system....fills up the
> > hard disk.. but you are not supposed to worry about
> > it. Listen Kunti putra, the way Aatma leaves one
> > physical body and moves onto another, likewise
> > these junk mails move from system to system.
> >
> > Arjun : How can one define junk mail ?
> >
> > Krishna : Neither fire can burn it.., nor air can dry
> > it..neither can it be conqured nor can it be defeated.
> > He who sends junk mails cannot be looked down upon by
> > Mahadev.Junk mails are immortal.
> >
> > Arjun : Hey Narayan ! Now all my fundaas on junk mail
> > crystal clear. You have opened my eyes Yashoda Nandan,
> > I would have lost myself in Maaya and read all the
> > junk mails myself.
> >
> > ...............MAHAAABHAAAAARAT............
> > Thousands of years have passed since then,
> > Generations have come and gone, seasons have cycled,
> > Technology advanced, but Junk mails remain.
> > So, go on, contribute something to History by
> > Hitting that Forward button yet again to all !!
R K Singh
Ranch Hand

Joined: Oct 15, 2001
Posts: 5371
> Subject: FW: Who r u???
>
>
>
> Who r u???
>
> Are you a pro*titute or a programmer ?
> 1. You work very odd hours.
> 2. You are paid a lot of money to keep your client happy.
> 3. You are paid well, but your pimp gets most of the money.
> 4. You spend a majority of your time in an air-conditioned room.
> 5. You charge by the hour but your time can be extended for the right
> price.
> 6. You are not proud of what you do.
> 7. Creating fantasies for your clients is rewarded.
> 8. It's difficult to have a family.
> 9. You have no job satisfaction.
> 11. You are embarrassed to tell people what you do for a living.
> 12. People ask you, "What do you do?" and you can't explain it.
> 13. Your family hardly recognizes you at reunions (at least the reunions
> you attend.)
> 14. Your friends have distanced themselves from you and you're left
> hanging with other "professionals."
> 15. Your client pays for your hotel room plus your hourly rate.
> 16. Your client always wants to know how much you charge and what they
> get for the money.
> 20. When you leave to go see a client, you look great, but return
> looking like hell (compare your appearance on Monday AM to Friday PM)
> 21. You are rated on your "performance" in an excruciating ordeal.
> 22. Even though you get paid the big bucks, it's the client who walks
> away smiling.
> 23. The client always thinks your "cut" of your billing rate is higher
> than it actually is, and in turn, expects miracles from you.
> 24. When you deduct your "take" from your billing rate, you constantly
> wonder if you could get a better deal with another pimp.
> 25. Everyday you wake up and tell yourself, "I'm not going to be doing
> this stuff the rest of my life."
R K Singh
Ranch Hand

Joined: Oct 15, 2001
Posts: 5371
> A sign at a business establishment in Medina, OH:
>
> "WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000 PAKISTANI TERRORISTS THAN WITH A
> SINGLE INDIAN"
>
> This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in Bhopal.
> You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory
> statement.
>
> One would think that anti-hate groups from all across the country would be
> marching on this business... And that the CRPF might have to be called to
> keep the angry crowds back.
>
> But, perhaps in these stressful times one might be tempted to let the
> proprietors simply make their statement . . . We are a society who holds
> Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty . . . And after all, it
> is just a sign.
>
> You may ask what kind of business would dare post such a sign?
>
> Answer: A Funeral Home (Who said morticians had no sense of humor?)
>
>
>
R K Singh
Ranch Hand

Joined: Oct 15, 2001
Posts: 5371
> Subject: Bambaiya.....Our language ...the way Bombay speaks
>
> This is cool....
>
> THE QUICK REFERENCE
>
> U can take a bambaiyya out of bombay but u can never take out bombay out
> of a bambaiyya!!
>
> Bambaiyya bhasha Refresher course The best compilation. A must for
> newcomers.
>
> 1.Bus kya : The meaning of it is that com'on don't take me for granted.
>
> 2.Apun : It's actual meaning is WE but in B'hindi it means I or me...usage
> like : apun ko kya samjha tu ne, apne haath ka ek padega..
>
> 3.Chava / Chavi : Actual meaning of a chava is a lion's cub.However, in
> B'hindi it would mean a Boyfriend/GirlFriend(normally the one that's
> steady). Chava, is also used to describe to a good looking chap or the
> normal stud in the locality. No, Chavi would still
> mean the steady one.
>
> 4.Chikna : Stands for any good looking fellow.Chikna actually means
> smooth.Chikni is the female version of the same word.
>
> 5.Saala : literal meaning wife's brother....but in Mumbai it is used in
> every context...when friends meet and greet then it is kya saala kaisa
> hai.....when angry "abey saale....phoot na"... in fact this is the most
> common used word in mumbai.... and can be
> used when you are happy/ sad/depressed / angry / shy / vulgar / teasing/
> and when there is nothing else to say then use a saala....
>
> 6.Dhapnya / Battery / double battery : Refers to a person wearing
> prescription glasses. Dhapnya is a marathi word.The Ghati way of saying
> this would be "byatree".
>
> 7.Chaayla : The original meaning is quiet demeaning. The contemporary
> meaning is so flexible that "Cheryl" can be used anywhere in a casual
> conversation. gramatically speaking this word doesnt have any meaning.
>
> 8.Haila : This originated from "Hai Allah " but I don't think 99% of the
> users know about this. Haila would translate to "Oh God"
>
> 9.Keeda /SulemaniKeeda / RehmaniKeeda : An absolute pest.
>
> 10.Jhakaas : Superb. Excellent.
>
> 11.Mandvali / Mandavli : Compromise /Negotiation usage : bhai apun ko
> Mandvali karne ka hai.
>
> 12.Gangaram : For a barber. Gangaram is a guy's name.
> I guess some
> Gangaram must have played an immortal role in some
> play or movie
> for his name to stick on.
>
> 13.Chagan / Dhating / Hajaam / dakkan Hajaam : in its true sense would mean
> a barber. It refers to anyone with a moronic intellect or an Idiot.I
> think the meaning of the word "Chagan" better be left unsaid.
>
> 14.Atrangi : One meaning of this word is similar to Hajaam.Atrangi also mean
> something extraordinary.
>
> 15.Punter / Tapori : Roadside loafer. Taporiis among the most commonly used
> words in B'hindi.
>
> 16.Shana :literal meaning in marathi means wise..but mostly used in
> sarcastic way like "tu kya shana hai kya ??"
>
> 17.Dhid shana : The word dhid means 1 and half times the original one.
> that means 1 and half times shana.
>
> 18.ChappanTikkli :actual meaning 56 spots : this is not used nowadays. But
> in B'hindi it means one with lots of pimples/
> marks on his/her face.
>
> 19.Dum : Actual meaning is cigarette with marijuana for kick. but nowdays
> commonly used to refer ordinary cigarette..
>
> 20.Chota : when you ask a paanwala in mumbai he will give you a small
> Goldflake cigarette.
>
> 21.Charsi / Fookya / Soootya : A smoker. Charas is exactly marijuana.Charasi
> would mean any guy who smokes though.
>
> 22.Raanti / Saand : A boisterous or an exceeding brash guy.
>
> 23.Bevda / Gutter / Taankee / Batli / JohnnyWalker: A Drunk.Johnny Walker
> comes from either the actor by the name or the
> whiskey brand.
>
> 24.Rappak ( stress on "pp" ): means Slap. ( eg. Kaan kay neechay rappak
> lagaoonga. )
>
> 25.Tapri : A road side shop.
>
> 26.Chotaya : For any kid working in a Tapri. If the shop has more than one
> kid ... all would have to be Chotays.
>
> 27.Ramu : see "chotay" above
>
> 28.Mava / (120 300) EkSauBeesTeenSau : This is a type of paan that you get
> here. 120 and 300 are the flavors of tabacco.
> Mava is everything that paan has without the betelleaf. Terms also refer
> to the person who consumes it.If you want a combination, say ek 420 dena
> If you are...?
>
> 29.Manikchand: Manikchand is a famous brand of chewing tobacco.This term
> also stands for a person who consumes it.
>
> 30.dhakta : actual meaning is younger. in this case it is small manikchand
> packet.
>
> 31.Dhoop Chaav : Sun and Shade. Refers to the shops owned by the road
> side barbers who just have a rag for the Chaav
> and is obviously holeridden to let the Dhoop come in.
>
> 32.Chinese Gaadi : No this is not a Chinese make of an automobile Its the
> "Tapri" selling chinese food on the side of the
> road. You find one after every 10 meters. The best part is that all these
> Chinese Gaadis are red in color, have names like "Red Sun", "Red Dragon",
> "Fong's", or anything that sounds vaguely Chinese.The cook is normally a
> Nepali gurkha working as a night
> watchman in some nearby apartment complex. The only criteria to get a
> chef's job at a Chinese Gaadi is to have slanted eyes.
>
> 33.Mahim Matunga / Vasai Virar : This is a term used for squints. MM and VV
> are neighbouring localities in Bombay. The
> origin of this term is unknown.
>
> 34.Ghungroo Salmaan :This term is very new but catching on fast.Ghungroo
> refers to a curly haired guy. Salmaan (Khan)comes in
> the picture since the "Ghunroo Salmaan" fellow is obviously mistaking
> himself to be a Hindi film hero. It's used as a putdown.
>
> 35.Cutting : A little_more_than_half cup of Tea is a cutting.The Cutting
> concept would have been started by people who used
> to split a cup of tea between 2 people... and finally the tea vendor
> started selling half cup of tea and called it "cutting". A
> little_more_than_half is given to increase the patrons.
>
> 36.AndhaDhuni / AadvaPatta : These are a cricketing terms. AadvaPatta comes
> from Pune, means "Cross batted shot".
> AndhaDhuni means"Blind shot". But nowadays these refer to any guy who
> doesn't bat well.
>
> 37.Mama / Maushi : Mama and Maushi translate to the maternal uncle and aunt.
> These words are thoroughly misused to get
> some work done. Normally used while speaking Marathi. Every other Marathi
> speaking streetvendor would be a Mama or a Maushi.
>
> 38.Dada / Tai : Translate to elder brother or sister.Usage see Mama/Maushi.
>
> 39.Uncle / Aunty: Usage similar to Mama/Maushi... just that this is used
> for the more sophisticated public.Normally with the Marathi ignorant.
>
> 40.Ghaati Ghaatis : are the residents of the hilly/rural regions of
> Maharashtra.In B'hindi,a Ghati would mean any person whose mother tongue
> is Marathi. It's quiet demeaning..... and thus heard more frequently.
>
> 41.Gujju / Dandabai: Gujratis. The money men of Mumbai. These guys are
> easily spotted on the road either in colorful shirts,embroidered trousers,
> against the mirror of a parked vehicle combing their hair, or something
> equally funny. These guys are the second largest community in Bombay after
> the Marathispeaking people. Ganda acutally means mad.No need to explain
> why. every mumbaikar knows it...
>
> 42.Madrasi Madras : is a place in the southern part of India.Madrasi refers
> to any guy from a place to the south of Maharashtra.Doesn'tmatter where he
> is from. If he is from Bangalore he is a Madrasi.If he is from Goa he is
> still a Madrasi. Doesn't matter. And the best part of being a Madrasi is
> that you are supposed to eat idli sambar for breakfast, lunch, AND
> dinner. And rasamchaval is supposed to be the favourite dish.
>
> 43.Gulti:This is a fairly new term. Used for people from Andhra Pradesh. I
> don't have a clue about its origin or actual meaning.
>
> 44.Bhaiya/Pandit: Any guy from UP/ Bihar/ MP/ Delhi/ Northern states is
> called a Bhaiya. Pandit is also used interchangeably but is mostly used
> for the guys at the Lassi/Doodh shops or for Panwallas.
>
> 45.Paapay / Papajee: A Sikh. I assume that this term derives from the word
> "pappaji" and I am sure its not insulting or anything.
>
> 46.Pavwalla / Sausage: The Christians. I guess this started because of the
> fact that they eat bread instead of chapatis.Sausage is a fairly new.
>
> Do add to the list if anything you feel is left out.......
vi kam
Ranch Hand

Joined: Oct 14, 2002
Posts: 117
43.Gulti:This is a fairly new term. Used for people from Andhra Pradesh. I don't have a clue about its origin or actual meaning
When pronouncing Gulti is the reverse of Telugu.
Because people from Andhra talk in telugu and are supposedly perceived by others sarcasticcally do things in reverse than others. :roll:


Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings -- They did it by killing all those who opposed them
sunitha reghu
Ranch Hand

Joined: Dec 12, 2002
Posts: 937
Two Arabs boarded a flight out of New York after a hockey game. One sat
in
the window seat and the other sat in the middle seat. Just before
takeoff,
an American got on and took the aisle seat.
After takeoff, the American kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and
was
settling in when the Arabs in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up
and
get a beer." "No problem," said the American, "I'll get it for you."
While he was gone, one of the Arabs picked up the American's shoe and
spat
in it.
When he returned with the beer, the other Arab said, "That looks good, I
think I'll have one too."
Again, the American obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone,
the
other Arab picked up the other shoe and spat in it.
When the American returned to his seat, they all sat back and enjoyed
the flight
As the plane was landing, the American slipped his feet into his shoes
and knew immediately what had happened. "Why does it have to be this way?"
he asked. "How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations?
This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes, and pissing in beers?"
Anonymous
Ranch Hand

Joined: Nov 22, 2008
Posts: 18944
arab-american joke was actually paki-Indian(Santa singh)
R K Singh
Ranch Hand

Joined: Oct 15, 2001
Posts: 5371
> Subject: One Liners !!
>
> Should women have children after 35
> No, 35 children are more than enough!
> ----------------
> No one has ever complained of a parachute not
> opening..
> ----------------
> Living on Earth may be expensive, but it
> includes an annual free trip around the Sun..
> ----------------
> Your future depends on your dreams
> So go to sleep !
> ----------------
> ALCOHOL KILLS SLOWLY
> So what ? Who's in a hurry ?
> -----------------
> Work fascinates me
> I can look at it for hours !
> -----------------
> Do you know of a Sardar who parked his car in
> front of board which said FINE FOR PARKING
> -----------------
> A drunk was hauled into court. Mister, the judge
> began, you've been brought here for drinking..
> Great, the drunk exclaimed. When do we get
> started?
> ----------------
> Can you do anything that other people can't?
> Sure, I can read my handwriting..
> -----------------
> Divorce has become so common that my wife and I
> are staying married just to be different..
> -----------------
> When a wife was asked: What book do you like thebest?
> She answers: My husband's cheque book..
> ----------------
> Girlfriend: And are you sure you love me and no one else?
> Boyfriend: Dead Sure! I checked the whole list
> again yesterday.
> ----------------
> Waiter: Would you like your coffee black?
> Customer: What other colors do you have?
> -----------------
>
> My father is so old that when he was in school,
> history was called current affairs.
> ----------------
> Teacher: Now, children, if I saw a man beating a
> donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be
> Showing?
> Student: Brotherly love.
> -----------------
> Teacher: Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say
> prayers before eating?
> Sam : No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.
> ------------------
> Manager: Sorry, but I can't give u a job. I don't
> need much help.
> Job Applicant: That's all right. In fact I'm just
> the right person in this case. You see, I won't
> be of much help anyway!!
> --------------------
> Dad: Son, what do u want for ur birthday?
> Son: Not much dad, Just a radio with a sports car
> around it.
> --------------------
> Teacher: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is
> exactly the same as your brother's. Did u copy his?
> Desmond: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
> --------------------
> Diner: I can't eat such a rotten chicken. Call the
> manager!
> Waiter: It's no use. He won't eat it either.
> --------------------
> Diner: You'll drive me to my grave!
> Waiter: Well, you don't expect to walk there, do You.
> ---------------------
> Husband: U know, wife, our son got his brain from me.
> Wife: I think he did, I've still got mine with me!
> --------------------
> Man: Officer! There's a bomb in my garden!
> Officer: Don't worry. If no one claims it within
> three days, you can keep it.
> -------------------
> Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible
> to teach you anything!
> Son: That's why I say she's no good!
Anonymous
Ranch Hand

Joined: Nov 22, 2008
Posts: 18944
***********************************************
Apun ek shtory sunaenga:
Julie aur Sulie do ben log rehta hai. Ben log maane judwaa.
Lekin dono main fark bole to solid. Julie ekdum.
Smart, jhakaas aur Sulie ekdum halki re.
To kya hota hai maloom Sulie tho bachpan se, woh kya bolte hain
usko..Stubborn ..bole to ekdam jiddi.... rehti hai.
To julie jo bhi maangti hai na...Sulie ko woh maang ta-ich hai.
Julie ko gudiya mili to Sulie ko bhi maangta tha...
Julie ko kangan mila to Sulie ko bhi mangta hai.
Aisa karte karte bees saal guzar gaya.
To na, Julie ka shaadi ekdum karodpati ladka ke saath hota hai.
Aur Sulie ek fatichar funtoosh se shaadi banatha hai.
Shaadi ke baad Julie Fridge leti hai baap.Sulie bhi pati se fridge
maangtihai.Pat bechara garib. Lekin biwi ko khush karne ke waaste woh
Fridge khareed leta hai.
Abhi Julie agle mahine Air Conditioner khareed dalti hai. Sulie bhi
jiddkarti hai baap.
Bolti: AC nahin liya to khud ko tapka daloongi.
Pati bechara aur paiseudhaar leta hai aur AC khareed leta hai. Ab
Julie
car khareedti hai. Sulie bhi jidd karti hai. Pati ka dhimaag satak-ta
hai lekin phir bhi saala karega kya, pitaji ka zameen bech dalta hai
aur
gaadi khareedta hai.
Thode dinon ke baad Julie gaadi bech ke bus khareedti hai.
Sulie jidd karti hai Abhi pati solid bhadakta hai baap. Bolta hai "Ae
item, ab dhimaag ki dahi mat bana..bahut ho gaya tera natak. Abhi
apun
tera ek nahin sunega. Apun jaa rahela hai"
To Sulie ko chodke woh chala jaata hai. Sulie lekin apni gaadi
bechkar
aur paisa market se uthakar bus khareed leti hai.
To Julie aur Sulie apne apne bus main Ek din picnic ko jaata hai.
Bus ko park karke woh log ghoomne phirne ko jaata hai.
Wapas aake dekhta hai to saala dono bus main steering wheel gaayab,
seat
aayab, gear gaayab...sab kuch ghayab!! Sulie julie ko dekhti hai aur
kuch to bolti hai.

Abhi Ekdum simple koschan: Sulie Julie ko kya
bolti hai??

* * Ye tu bhol-na * * * * *
* * * Abe soch...... * * *

* * *la dhimag kaam nahi kar rehla hai? * * *
* * * Haar maan gaya kya??? * * *

* * * Accha chal bolich dalta hoon: * * *
"NA KUCH TERE BUS MAIN JULIE........ NA KUCH MERE
BUS MAIN..."
ae bhidu, apun ko gaali mat de, aur apun ke upar gussa mat hona kya?
Apun ko bhi kisi ne yeh bhej kar apna bheja kharab
kiya hai.

Tere ko lage to tu bhi kisi ko bhej dena.
Anonymous
Ranch Hand

Joined: Nov 22, 2008
Posts: 18944
Based on a True Story from one of the software firms in Silicon Valley:
contributed by Rupali Patel
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Notice at a Software firm in Silicon Valley - from Human Resources Director
To all Hindi-speaking staff
It has been brought to our attention by several officials visiting
our corporate headquarters that offensive language is commonly used by
our Hindi-speaking staff. Such behavior, in addition to violating our
policy,is highly unprofessional and offensive to both visitors and
colleagues.
Staff will IMMEDIATELY adhere to the following rules:
Words like "CHUTIYA,GANDU" and other such expressions will not be used for
emphasis, no matter how heated the discussion. You will not say "CHUTIYE
AKKAL NAHI HAI KYA TEREKO" when someone makes a mistake, or "MAA CHUDI
BEHENCHOD" when a major mistake has been made. All forms derived from the
verb "CHOD"are inappropriate in our environment.
No project manager, section head or administrator, under any
circumstances, will be referred to as"GADHA", or "CHUTIYA". Lack of
determination will not be referred to "KAAMCHOR SALA",and neither will
persons who lack initiative be referred to as "AALSI BHOSADIKAA", or
"MADARCHOD".
Unusual or creative ideas from your superiors are not to be referred to
"FUCK ALL". Do not say "GAND FADU" if a person is persistent, or if a task
is heavy to accomplish. In a similar way, do not use "GAND FATI NA", if a
colleague is going through a difficult situation.
Furthermore, you must not say "BHOSADE MEIN GAYA" when matters become
complicated. When asking someone to leave you alone, you must not say
"FUCK OFF". Do not ever substitute 'May I help you?' with "BOL TERI KAISE
GAND MARUU"?
When things get tough, an acceptable expression such as 'We are going
through a difficult time' should be used, rather than "MAA CHUDI PADI HAI"
or "GOTI MUH MEIN HAI" No salary increase shall be ever referred to as
"KHAIRAAT BAATI HAI".
Under no circumstances should you call our elderly corporate partners
"BADHIR LAVDA". Last, but not least, after reading this memo please do not
say "YE KAGAJ GAND PONCHNE KE LAAYAK BHI NAHI HAI". Just keep it clean and
dispose off it properly. We hope you will keep these directions in mind.
Sincerely,
Human Resources Director
Anonymous
Ranch Hand

Joined: Nov 22, 2008
Posts: 18944
Banta`s wife, Preeto, goes to England to attend a two-week, company training session. Banta drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
Preeto answers, "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?"
Banta laughs and says, "An English girl !!!
Preeto kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later Banta picks her up in the airport and asks, "So, honey, how was the trip?"
"Very good, thank you."
"And, what happened to my present?"
"Which present?"
"What I asked for, the English girl?!"
Oh, that! Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait a few months to see if its a girl !!!
*************************************************
Santa and Banta head out for a quick round of golf. Since they are short on time, they decide to play only 9 holes.
Santa says to Banta, `Let`s say we make the time worth the while, at least for one of us, and spot Rs 500 on the lowest score for the day.`
Banta agrees and they enjoy a great game. After the 8th hole, Banta is ahead by 1 stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th.
"Help me find my ball; you look over there," he says to Santa.
After 5 minutes, neither has had any luck, and since a lost ball carries a four-point penalty, Banta pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground.
"I`ve found my ball!" he announces triumphantly.
Santa looks at him forlornly, "After all the years we`ve been friends, you`d cheat me on golf for a measly five hundred?"
"What do you mean cheat? I found my ball sitting right here!"
"And a liar, too!", Santa says with amazement. `I`ll have you know I`ve been standing on your ball for the last five minutes!`"
*************************************************
Three dead bodies of Indian politicians turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The medical examiner calls the police to show them what has happened. A Detective Inspector is sent and is taken to the first body.
"He was a BJP leader, 65 years of age, died of heart failure whilst making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector," says the medical examiner.
The Detective Inspector is taken to the second dead man.
"He was a minister from ruling Congress party, was 70, made a pile from government funds, and spent it all on whiskey. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
"Nothing unusual here", thinks the Inspector, and asks to be shown the last body.
"Ah," says the medical examiner. "This is the most unusual one. MP from Bihar, 60, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?` inquires the Inspector.
To which the medical officer replies, "He thought he was having his picture taken."
*************************************************
Anonymous
Ranch Hand

Joined: Nov 22, 2008
Posts: 18944
GARY, Indiana - Last Monday FBI agents busted a $1,000-a-day cocaine ring being run out of City Hall, allegedly by the city`s chief computer programer and its payroll clerk.
Programer Arthur Harris, 46, and clerk Karen Laverne Shivers, 41, were arrested at their apartment Monday.
Agents seized 5 ounces of cocaine, 6 ounces of crack and $6,000. Federal agents said they taped three telephone conversations in which Harris, speaking on a City Hall phone, arranged to sell crack.
_________________________________________________
A lady bought a new $100,000 Mercedes and proudly drove it off the showroom floor to take home. Halfway home, she attempted to change radio stations and saw that there appeared to be only one station. She immediately turned around and headed back to the dealer.
Once at the dealer, she found her salesman and began to excitedly explain that her radio was not working, and they must replace it since she only had one radio station. The salesman calmed her down and told her that her car radio was voice-activated, and that she would only need to state aloud the type of music that she wanted and the car would find it.
She got into the car and started the engine and then said the word "country," and the radio changed to a station playing a George Strait song. She was satisfied and started home. After a while she decided to try out the radio and said "rock `n` roll;" the radio station changed and a song by the Rolling Stones came from the speakers. Quite pleased, the woman continued driving.
A few blocks from her house, another driver ran a light causing her to slam on her brakes to avoid a collision.
The woman angrily exclaimed, "Asshole!" ...The radio cut over to George Bush`s press conference.
_________________________________________________
George W. Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn`t that Bush and Powell sitting over there?"
The barman says, "Yep, that`s them."
So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?"
Bush says, "We`re planning World War III".
And the guy says, "Really? What`s going to happen?"
Bush says, "Well, we`re going to kill 140 million Iraqis and one intelligent blonde.
The guy exclaimed, "Intelligent blonde!! Why kill a blonde?"
Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says, "See, smart ass?! I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis!"
Anonymous
Ranch Hand

Joined: Nov 22, 2008
Posts: 18944
Ravish,You forgot to mention the another Bombay word 'Raapchik Maal' means beautiful girl
R K Singh
Ranch Hand

Joined: Oct 15, 2001
Posts: 5371
I think its best place is here, in *Fun* forwards:
===================
FROM: HENSHAW ADIO
REPUBLIC OF CONGO
EMAIL:henshaw01@rediffmail.com
SEEKING YOUR IMMEDIATE ASSISTANCE.
Please Permit me to make your acquaintance in so
informal a manner. This is necessitated by my urgent
need to reach a dependable and trust wordy foreign
partner. This request may seem strange and
unsolicited but I will crave your indulgence and pray
that you view it seriously. My name is MR Henshaw Adio of the Democratic
Republic of Congo and One of the
close aides to the former President of the Democratic
Republic of Congo LAURENT KABILA of blessed
memory, may his soul rest in peace.
Due to the military campaign of LAURENT KABILA to
force out the rebels in my country, I and some of my
colleagues were instructed by Late President Kabila
to go abroad to purchase arms and ammunition worth of
Twenty Million, Five Hundred Thousand United States
Dollars only (US$20,500,000.00) to fight the rebel
group. But when President Kabila was killed in a
bloody shoot-out by one of his aide a day before we
were schedule to travel out of Congo, We immediately
decided to divert the fund into a private security
company here in Congo for safe keeping. The security
of the said amount is presently being threatened here
following the arrest and seizure of properties of Col.
Rasheidi Karesava (One of the aides to Laurent Kabila)
a tribesman, and some other Military Personnel from
our same tribe, by the new President of the Democratic
Republic of Congo, the son of late President Laurent
Kabila, Joseph Kabila.
In view of this, we need a reliable and trustworthy
foreign partner who can assist us to move this money
out of my country as the beneficiary.
WE have sufficient ''CONTACTS'' to move the fund under
Diplomatic Cover to a security company in the europe
in your name. This is to ensure that the Diplomatic
Baggage is marked ''CONFIDENTIAL'' and it will not
pass through normal custom/airport screening and
clearance.
Our inability to move this money out of Congo all
This while lies on our lack of trust on our supposed
good friends (western countries) who suddenly became
hostile to those of us who worked with the late
President Kabila, immediately after his son took
office. Though we have neither seen nor met each
other, the information We gathered from an associate
who has worked in your country has encouraged and
convinced us that with your sincere assistance, this
transaction will be properly handled with modesty
and honesty to a huge success within two weeks. The
said money is a state fund and therefore requires a
total confidentiality.
Thus, if you are willing to assist us move this fund
out of Congo, you can contact me through my email
address above with your telephone, fax number and
personal information to enable us discuss the
modalities and what will be your share
(percentage) for assisting us.
I must use this opportunity and medium to implore You
to exercise the utmost indulgence to keep this Matter
extraordinarily confidential, Whatever your Decision,
while I await your prompt response. Thank you and
GodBless.
Best Regards
HENSHAW ADIO
R K Singh
Ranch Hand

Joined: Oct 15, 2001
Posts: 5371
A husband and a wife were out enjoying a round of golf about to tee off
on the third hole which was lined with beautiful homes. The wife hit
her
shot and the ball began to slice. Her shot was headed directly at a
very
large plate glass window. Much to their surprise, the ball smashed
through
the
window and shattered it into a million pieces. They felt compelled to
see
what damage was done and drove off to see what happened. When they
peeked
inside the house, they found no one there. The husband called out and
no
one answered. Upon further investigation, they saw a gentleman sitting
on
the couch with a turban on his head.
The wife said, "Do you live here?"
"No, someone just hit a ball through the window, knocked over the vase
you see there and freed me from that little bottle. I am so grateful,"
he
answered.
The wife said, "Are you a genie?"
"Oh, why yes I am. In fact, I am so grateful I will grant you two
wishes, the third I will keep for myself," the man replied.
The husband and wife agreed on two wishes...one was for a scratch
handicap for the husband, to which the wife readily agreed. The other
was
for an income of $1,000,000 per year forever.
The genie nodded and said, "Done!"
The genie now said, "For my wish, I would like to have my way with your
wife." I have not been with a woman for many years, and after all, I
have
made you a scratch golfer and a millionaire." The husband and wife
agreed.
After the genie and wife were finished, the genie asked the wife,
"How long have you been married?" to which she responded, "Three
years."
The genie then asked, "How old is your husband?" to which she
responded,
"31 years old." The genie then asked,
"How long has he believed in this genie stuff?"
sunitha reghu
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Joined: Dec 12, 2002
Posts: 937
very very funny.....
sunitha reghu
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Joined: Dec 12, 2002
Posts: 937
The little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.."
Anonymous
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Joined: Nov 22, 2008
Posts: 18944
Anonymous
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Joined: Nov 22, 2008
Posts: 18944
http://www.motherearth.org/bushwanted/wanted.jpg

(edited to put in link to picture)
[ March 07, 2003: Message edited by: Cindy Glass ]
R K Singh
Ranch Hand

Joined: Oct 15, 2001
Posts: 5371
Subject: Women are Complex Creatures
If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman
If you don't, you are not a man
If you praise her, she thinks you are lying
If you don't, you are good for nothing
If you agree to all her likes, you are a wimp
If you don't, you are not understanding
If you visit her often, she thinks it is boring
If you don't, she accuses you of double-crossing
If you are well dressed, she says you are a playboy
If you don't, you are a dull boy
If you are jealous, she says it's bad
If you don't, she thinks you do not love her
If you attempt a romance, she says you didn't respect her
If you don't, she thinks you do not like her
If you are a minute late, she complains it's hard to wait
If she is late, she says that's a girl's way
If you visit another man, you're not putting in "quality time"
If she is visited by another woman, "oh it's natural, we are girls"
If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold
If you kiss her often, she yells that you are taking advantage
If you fail to help her in crossing the street, you lack ethics
If you do, she thinks it's just one of men's tactics for seduction
If you stare at another woman, she accuses you of flirting
If she is stared by other men, she says that they are just admiring
If you talk, she wants you to listen
If you listen, she wants you to talk
In short:
So simple, yet so complex
So weak, yet so powerful
So confusing, yet so desirable
So damning, yet so wonderful...
..WOMEN!
Anonymous
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Joined: Nov 22, 2008
Posts: 18944
Ravish Kumar should be renamed as Joke Kumar or Garbage Kumar or Confused Kumar
R K Singh
Ranch Hand

Joined: Oct 15, 2001
Posts: 5371
Originally posted by <Confused Kumar>:
Ravish Kumar should be renamed as Joke Kumar or Garbage Kumar or Confused Kumar

No thanks Mr Confused Kumar , I dont want any of your names
AW thanks for suggestion.
Anonymous
Ranch Hand

Joined: Nov 22, 2008
Posts: 18944
1)
a man asked his friend
man - do u talk to ur wife wen u hv sex
friend- depends if i find the phone.
remember me.
***************************************
2)
a teacher asked a girl :
"which part of the body grows 10 times its original size when one gets excited?"
Girl says "Sir, you should be ashamed to ask questions like this to your class"
The teacher asks the same question to another student and he replies,"sir, its the pupil of the eye".
The teacher turns to the girl and says" I want to tell you 3 things
1) you lack knowledge
2) You have a dirty mind
3) your expectations are too high
************************************************'
3)
A French guy is asking an American, "What proof do you have that Iraq has weapons of mass destruction?"
The American replies, "We kept the receipts."
************************************************
R K Singh
Ranch Hand

Joined: Oct 15, 2001
Posts: 5371
Lalloo Jokes
When Lalloo completed 25 years of his rule over Bihar, he wanted a special postage stamp with his picture on it. He asked Rabri,stressingthat it should be world class. The stamps were released, and Lalloo was pleased.
But within a couple of days, he began hearing complaints that the stamp was not sticking properly, and became furious. He called Rabri and ordered her to investigate the matter. Rabri checked out at several post offices, and then reported to Lalloo Prasad: She said:"The stamp is really world class. The problem is, our Biharis are spitting on the wrong side."
=================
Once Laloo was coming out of an airport. As there was huge rush thesecurity guard told Laloo "Wait, please." Lalloo said, "65 kilo," and moved on...
=========
Once Laloo wanted to know the time difference between Bihar and LasVegas..So he called up the tourist department and asked them "Ji..could you tell me the time difference between Patna and Begas."
The man at the other end replied, "One second sir..." Lalloo immediately replied,"Thank you" and put the phone down.
=======
Lalloo's family planning policy... "DONT HAVE MORE THAN TWO CHILDREN IN ONE YEAR."
============
At a bar in New York, the man to Lalloo's left tells the bartender,
"JOHNNIE WALKER, SINGLE." And the man's companion says, "JACK DANIELS, SINGLE." The bartender approaches Laloo and asks, "AND YOU,SIR?" Lalloo
replies: "LALLOO YADAV, MARRIED."
===========
After having resigned as the CM of Bihar, Lalloo decides to go modeling.
Once he enters the herd of buffaloes and restin' his elbows on the back of the cattle he poses for the photo. Next day the photo appears front page of a newspaper. GUESS THE CAPTION!!! "Lalloo,
third from left!"
=================
Lalloo Prasad was hosting a Japanese Delegation for Business development in Bihar. The Japs were quite impressed with Bihar and their leader
said,"Bihar is an excellent state. Give us three years and we will turn it into an economic superpower like Japan." Lalloo was very surprised."You Japanese are very inepicient. Give me three days and I will turn
Japan into the next Bihar!"

=========================

After completing a jigsaw puzzle he'd been working on for quite
sometime, Lalloo proudly shows off the finished puzzle to a friend. "It took me
ONLY 5 MONTHS TO DO IT," Laloo brags. "FIVE MONTHS? THAT'S TOO LONG."
the friend exclaims.
"YOU ARE A FOOL," Lalloo replies. "READ THE BOX, IT SAYS 5-7 YEARS."

=======================

Bill Clinton decided to teach Lalloo English, so he invited him over
to the US. Lalloo arrives in full grandeur. Bill announces to the
nation that they should not be disturbed during the tuition. Inside the White
house, they are locked up in a room, and Bill starts teaching Lalloo
English.Days pass by and weeks pass by, but there is no sign of them
coming out. The whole country and the economy have come to a
standstill, and press reporters from all over the world are waiting outside eagerly to find the outcome.

At last one day, the door opens, and out comes Lalloo beaming his
plendent white smile, looking cool and unruffled. However,Bill looks
totally dazed, his clothes are torn, his hair is completely ruffled,
and he has scratch marks all over his face. The shocked reporters ask Bill,
"What happened Mr.President?" Bill replies, "Ee babua hamar kuchh bhi naahi sunta hai!" [Translation : This folk does not listen to me at all]
R K Singh
Ranch Hand

Joined: Oct 15, 2001
Posts: 5371
Project Leader is a Person who thinks Nine women can deliver a child in One month.
Software Engineer is a Person who thinks a single woman cannot deliver a child in nine months.
Onsite Coordinator is one who thinks single woman can deliver nine children in one month.
The client knows that it takes a man & a woman to deliver a child in nine months.
Graeme Brown
Ranch Hand

Joined: Oct 13, 2000
Posts: 193
The client wants a puppy, or maybe a kitten. Then changes his mind to baby.
Then wonders why what is finally delivered can't pull his plough.
R K Singh
Ranch Hand

Joined: Oct 15, 2001
Posts: 5371
One day Ron complained to his friend, "My elbow really
hurts. I guess
I should see a doctor."
His friend said, "Don't do that. There is a computer
at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker
and cheaper than a doctor.Simply put in a sample of
your urine, and the computer will diagnose your
problem and tell you what you can do about it. And it
only costs $10." Ron figured he had nothing to lose,
so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the
drug store.
Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and
deposited the $10. The computer started making some
noise and various lights started flashing. After a
brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper
which read:
You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.
It will be better in two weeks......
That evening while thinking how amazing this new
technology was
and how it would change medical science forever, he
began to wonder
if this computer could be fooled. He decided to give
it a try. He mixed
together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog,
and urine
samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he
mastur**** into
the concoction. He went back to the drug store,
located the computer,
poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.
The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its
lights, and printed
out the following analysis:
Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal
shampoo.
Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a
rehabilitation clinic.
Your wife is pregnant ... twin girls. They aren't
yours. Get a lawyer.
And if you don't stop jerking off, your elbow will
never get better.
Chumma Fun
Ranch Hand

Joined: May 04, 2001
Posts: 92

Enjoy!
Ashok Mash
Ranch Hand

Joined: Oct 13, 2000
Posts: 1936
Old one, but still good for a laugh. And still very true.
What Is Politics?

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny,
we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now!"
The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."


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