File APIs for Java Developers
Manipulate DOC, XLS, PPT, PDF and many others from your application.
The moose likes Meaningless Drivel and the fly likes Colonel Angus Big Moose Saloon
  Search | Java FAQ | Recent Topics | Flagged Topics | Hot Topics | Zero Replies
Register / Login
JavaRanch » Java Forums » Other » Meaningless Drivel
Bookmark "Colonel Angus" Watch "Colonel Angus" New topic

Colonel Angus

Jason Menard

Joined: Nov 09, 2000
Posts: 6450
From a Saturday Night Live skit. Read with southern accents.
Melinda.....Amy Poehler
Daddy.....Chris Parnell
Miss Anabelle.....Rachel Dratch
Farm Boy.....Jeff Richards
Bedelia.....Maya Rudolph
Colonel Angus.....Christopher Walken

[ open on exterior, Civil War-era plantation home, as members of a Southern family sit on the porch and reflect. A banner above the eaves reads: "Welcome Home, Colonel Angus!" ]
Melinda: [ sitting on the steps ] When's he gonna get here, Mama?
Miss Anabelle: [ setting on her rocker ] Anytime now, child.. be patient.
Melinda: Is he very handsome?
Miss Anabelle: [ chuckles ] He's been away at war so long, I don't rightly remember.
Melinda: Mama! Look! There's a carriage on the horizon!
Miss Anabelle: Oh? [ looking about ] Well, where, dear child?
Melinda: There! [ points ] Traveling down the road! Darting in and out of the cotton!
Miss Anabelle: Oh.. oh! Well, that must be the Colonel! Colonel Angus!
Melinda: [ excited ] Could it really be, Mama? Could it really be Colonel Angus?
Miss Anabelle: ..I don't know, uh.. We haven't seen Colonel Angus around these parts for years..
[ Daddy steps onto the porch, from inside the plantation ]
Daddy: Are you ladies out here talking about Colonel Angus?
Melinda: Yes, Daddy! I can't wait to meet him!
Daddy: Oh, watch out, Melinda! Once a woman is introduced to Colonel Angus, she'll settle for nothing less.
Melinda: Daddy, they say all the womenfolk just love Colonel Angus!
Daddy: Hmm.. I don't know why people make such a big fuss over Colonel Angus!
Miss Anabelle: I myself never much cared for Colonel Angus! He rubs me the wrong way. I'm not sure why.. can't put my finger on it..
Daddy: Colonel Angus is an acquired taste! Bedelia!
[ Bedelia, the maid, comes running onto the porch ]
Bedelia: Yes, Sir?
Miss Anabelle: Break out some fresh linens, Bedilia! We're gonna have Colonel Angus here tonight!
Bedelia: Colonel Angus? I don't know nothin' about no Colonel Angus!
Daddy: Well, get ready, Bedelia. If I remember correctly, Colonel Angus can be very messy!
[ at last, Colonel Angus steps onto the porch ]
Daddy: As I live and breath! Colonel Angus!
Miss Anabelle: Oh, Colonel Angus! You old Carpetbagger!
Colonel Angus: Anabelle! I fear my visit.. is an inconvenience.
Miss Anabelle: [ laughing ] Nonsense, Colonel Angus! We're always happy to see your shiny face!
Daddy: Colonel Angus! What brings you to these parts?
Colonel Angus: I'm headed.. down South!
Daddy: Hmm. Of course!
Miss Anabelle: Uh.. how far south are you headed, Colonel Angus?
Colonel Angus: Ain't really sure. I prefer the Deep South.. I like the heat.. the humidity..
Daddy: Hmmm.. sir, I do not!
Colonel Angus: [ ] And who is this.. little rosebud?
Daddy: This is our daughter, Melinda.
Melinda: Colonel Angus. The pleasure is all mine. I've heard so much about you.
Colonel Angus: Well, my dear.. don't believe everything you hear.. about ol' Colonel Angus. Colonel Angus might be rough.. Colonel Angus might not smell like a bed of roses.. but, deep down.. Colonel Angus is very sweet.
Miss Anabelle: Well, we hope you'll spend the night with us.
Colonel Angus: Well, thank you, Miss Anabelle. And if I overstay my welcome.. just tap me on the head.
Melinda: I always dreamnt of the day.. Colonel Angus would rest his head at Shady Thicket. I always begged my Daddy: "Tell me stories about you and Colonel Angus!" But he never will.
Daddy: [ chuckling ] Well, that's because all of my experiences with Colonel Angus end in embarrassment!
[ they all share a hearty laugh ]
Daddy: Colonel Angus.. I hear rumors.
Colonel Angus: [ sighs ] The incident.. at Big Beaver..
Daddy: Yes?
Colonel Angus: It's true, I'm afraid.. ten men were lost.. and I suffered a great injury.. to my jaw.
Daddy: Is it true you've been stripped of your rank?
Colonel Angus: Yes! It is. There'll be no more "Colonel Angus", ladies. Call me by my given name.
Miss Anabelle: Oh, Enal..
Melinda: I so love the sound of "Colonel Angus".. but I guess I could give Enal Angus a try.
Colonel Angus: [ to a passing farm boy ] You there, Boy! ride into town and tell the Postmaster.. that if anyone is looking for Enal Angus.. to come knockin' at the rear entrance.. of Shady Thicket.
Farm Boy: Euuuggghhh..
Colonel Angus: If you'll excuse me.. I'd like to freshen up.
[ Colonel Angus turns, and enters the plantation home ]
Miss Anabelle: Of course! We'll call you when it's time to eat, Enal! Bedelia lays out quite a spread.
Melinda: Well, I think Colonel Angus is delightful!
Daddy & Miss Anabelle: Hmmm....
Miss Anabelle: You won't.. after forty-five minutes.
Daddy: No-o-o.. you can only take so much of Colonel Angus.
[ fade ]
Michael Morris
Ranch Hand

Joined: Jan 30, 2002
Posts: 3451
Would Colonel Angus, by chance, be a pun on a certain latin term?

Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius - and a lot of courage - to move in the opposite direction. - Ernst F. Schumacher
Jessica Sant

Joined: Oct 17, 2001
Posts: 4313

I'm hoping you just cut and paste that from somewhere and didn't just play it over and over and over again so you could get the whole script... however, I don't think I'd put it past you... :roll:
I sawa this one on a re-run on Comedy Central not too long agol. Cracked me up. I couldn't believe they got away with it... hee hee hee
I agree. Here's the link:
subject: Colonel Angus
It's not a secret anymore!