Texan Joke(s)

[San Su]

I really enjoyed reading this one especially #7 comment.. More Texan jokes are welcome
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Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK,
who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

?Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a
chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at
the last moment, and I happened to be standing there
at the judge's table asking directions to the beer
wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other
two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be
all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have
free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.? Here
are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing
kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You
could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me
two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the
worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight
Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to
be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not
sure what I am suppose to taste besides pain. I had
to wave off two people who wanted to give me the
Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when
they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick.
Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili. A bit salty. Good use
of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA! I've located a uranium spill! My
nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone
knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I
ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm
getting shit-faced from all the beer.

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice.
Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good
side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a
chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue,
but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to
burn-out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing
behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is
starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm
eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers
freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very
impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili u! Sings of shredded beef; could use
more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a
strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my
forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted
and four people behind me needed paramedics. The
contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my
tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it
from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off?
It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me
to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.
Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers,
onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled
with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when
I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the
chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me
except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I
thought. Can't feel my LLLips anymore. I need to
wipe my ass with a snow cone!

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on
canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum. Tastes as if the chef literally
threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I
should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3.
He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the
pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the
sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made
of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili
which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are
full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At
least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me.
I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful.
Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I
need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole
in my stomach.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend
chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to
declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced
chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most
of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell
over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder
how he would have reacted to a really hot chili?
FRANK: -------------- (editor's note: Judge #3 was
unable to report)

[Paul Stevens]

They actually have a contest for the hotest sauce. I think Dave's Insanity Sauce won. It was really funny watching people try it. One comment was, "Why would anyone do that?".

[Michael Morris]

Originally posted by Paul Stevens:
They actually have a contest for the hotest sauce. I think Dave's Insanity Sauce won. It was really funny watching people try it. One comment was, "Why would anyone do that?".

I've seen this story before, and I laugh to tears everytime. I grow habeneros, serranos and jalepenos. Of course the habeneros are a fire hazzard, you sure don't want to go to the bathroom after cutting up one of those devils. The best all around chili for heat is the serrano. It is predictably hot, about twice as hot as an average jalepeno. With jalepenos you never know what you're going to get, sometimes they are not hotter than a bell pepper and sometimes they'll bring tears to your eyes. My favorite is the chipotle, which is just a smoked jalepeno, but real Mexican grown ripened (red) jalepenos, so they are very hot.

More Texan jokes are welcome
Two Texans are walking along a country road one night and come to a bridge about 10 feet above a creek. Both decide they need to take a piss, so each hang it over the edge of the bridge and let it go. The first Texas says "That water's cold" and the second one says "Deep too."

[Rufus BugleWeed]

A Texas family moved to Arkansas. Junior went to his first day in the seventh grade at the new school. He came home and Pa asked him how his day went.
Well, pa I'm the tallest boy in the class, in the softball game I hit the ball the farthest, and in the shower I had the biggest penis. Do you think it's because I'm from Texas?
No, son I believe it's because you are eighteen years old.

[San Su]

Originally posted by Paul Stevens:
They actually have a contest for the hotest sauce. I think Dave's Insanity Sauce won. It was really funny watching people try it. One comment was, "Why would anyone do that?".

That would be a real fun to watch . Where is it being held and what month/day?

[San Su]

Originally posted by Michael Morris:

I've seen this story before, and I laugh to tears everytime. I grow habeneros, serranos and jalepenos. Of course the habeneros are a fire hazzard, you sure don't want to go to the bathroom after cutting up one of those devils. The best all around chili for heat is the serrano. It is predictably hot, about twice as hot as an average jalepeno. With jalepenos you never know what you're going to get, sometimes they are not hotter than a bell pepper and sometimes they'll bring tears to your eyes. My favorite is the chipotle, which is just a smoked jalepeno, but real Mexican grown ripened (red) jalepenos, so they are very hot.

Sometimes back I was asked to go for a business trip to a small town in Ohio(for a month). The food really sucked(no pepper/chili). After few days I couldn't control myself and went to the local walmart and bought jalepeno bottle and eating it to keep the taste buds alive. After that trip, I never accepted more than a week time business trip to that place.

[Randall Twede]

a texan and a japaneese man are sitting in a bar and the texan is bragging about how tough he is. the japaneese guys says ok lets go outside and the loser buys the next round. well, they go outside and there is sounds of a scuffle and the japaneese guy comes in sits down and drinks his beer. the bartender asked how did you do that? the guy replies jujitsu. the texan crawls in and says i bet you cant do that again. so they go outside again and the same thing happens. the bartender asks the same question and the guy says karate. well, the texan crawls in again and says the same thing so they go outside again. all you hear is a thud and the texan comes in. the bartender asks how did you do that and the texan says tire iron.

[Paul Stevens]

Originally posted by Sankar Subbiah:

That would be a real fun to watch . Where is it being held and what month/day?

It was on the food channel. I think it was in California.

[Paul Stevens]

Here is a link to Daves site.

[Michael Morris]

Originally posted by Paul Stevens:

It was on the food channel. I think it was in California.

The World Championship Chili contest is held in Terlingua out in West Texas every year. What Californians call chili, we call bland stew. :roll:

[Michael Morris]

What separates a Texan from and idiot?

The Red River.

[Paul Stevens]

Originally posted by Michael Morris:

The World Championship Chili contest is held in Terlingua out in West Texas every year. What Californians call chili, we call bland stew. :roll:

It wasn't a chile contest. It was a hot sauce contest. There is also one in New Mexico every year National Fiery Foods Contest.

[Michael Morris]

Originally posted by Paul Stevens:

It wasn't a chile contest. It was a hot sauce contest. There is also one in New Mexico every year National Fiery Foods Contest.

Yep. In Texas we drink hot sauce to cool down the palate after eating a bowl of chili.