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[rated R] blonde jokes

paul wheaton
Trailboss

Joined: Dec 14, 1998
Posts: 20493
    ∞

(all of the jokes are rescued from another thread)
There has a be hundreds. I figure if I post one, you'll think of one and post it and that will remind somebody else of one ....
Blond Mating Call: Oh, I'm so drunk [giggle].

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been using the computer?
A: The joystick is wet.
Q: What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
A: Her ankles.
Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes twinkle?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.
Q: How do you get a blond out of a tree?
A: Wave
Q: Why don't blondes eat M&Ms?
A: They're too hard to peel.
Q: What do you call a blonde that stayed in the freezer overnight?
A: A frosted flake.
A blonde burnette and a redhead all agree that they are going to have a swimming contest to see who is the fastest swimmmer across a lake. they all agree that they are going to use breaststroke to race the redhead comes in first with an hour and a half the bunette comes in second with two hours and the blonde comes finally in last with 4 hours. she walks up to the judges stand and says i hate to be a sore loser but i think the other two girls where using their arms

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a solar powered calculator?
A: The blonde works in the dark!
A blonde, a brunette and a readhead are stuck on an island. For year and years they live there, one day they find a magic lamp.
They rub and rub and sure enough out comes a geenie.
The geenie says "since I can only give out 3 wishes, you may each have one"
So the brunette goes first, "I have been stuck here for years, I miss my family and my husband and my life-- I just want to go home" and POOF she is gone.
The the red head makes her wish "This place sucks, I want to go home too" and poof she is gone.
The blonde starts crying uncontrollably. The geenie says to her " my dear what is the matter, "I wish my friends were here"

A blonde is pulled over by a couple of highway patrolmen, one a seasoned veteran and the other a wet-behind-the-ears rookie. After checking the blondes license and going thru the normal routine, the older officer tells the younger "When you give her back her licence, unzip you pants, and pull out your pecker." Shocked, the younger argues momentarily but is eventually persuaded. So, he goes back hands the young lady her license, unzips and reveals his manhood. The blonde says:
"Oh shit, not another breathalyzer!"
Q: A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are all in the sixth grade, which one has the biggest boobs?
A: The blonde, she's 17.
Q. You know what you call a blonde in a tree?
A. Branch Manager.

A blind man and his guide dog enter a pub and find their way to a barstool. After ordering a drink and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, "Hey, do you want to hear a blonde joke?"
The pub instantly becomes quiet. In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb. blonde with a black belt in Judo. What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a weight lifter. Think about it seriously. Do you still want to tell that joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm going to have to explain it four times."
*******
Two blonde rednecks were in the woods hunting. One looked at the other and said, "I've got to take a shit." The other said, "Well go behind one of those big trees, and shit." The first one said, "But I don't have any paper to wipe my ass." The other blonde replied, "You have a dollar, don't you?" The first one said, "Yeah, I've got a dollar. That's a great idea-- I'll use that!"
He left and came back with shit all over his hands and clothes. His friend looked at him and asked, "What in the hell happened to you?" The first one replied, "Have you ever tried to wipe your ass with 3 quarters, 2 dimes, and a nickel?"
*******
A hair sylist calls for an amulance when her blonde customer's face and lips turn blue. When the paramedics arrive they pronounce her dead by suffocation. The stylist is shocked.
"What happened?" asked the paramedics. "I don't know" replies the stylist, "she came in and asked for a perm. She insited on wearing her headphones thoughout which was strange ... but anyway when she fell asleep I removed them so I could get the job done better. A while later she was like this!"
The paramedics look at each other, "Where are the headphones?". The stylist hands them to one of the paramedics. He listens, shakes his head, then passes them back to the stylist to listen.
She hears, "... breath in, breath out, breath in, breath out ..."
*********
A blonde and brunette in an elevator. A man walks in with really bad dandruff. The brunette whispers "Someone should give him some Head and Shoulders". The blonde replies "How do you give shoulders?"
Okay - your turn to add more ....


permaculture Wood Burning Stoves 2.0 - 4-DVD set
Richard Hawkes
Ranch Hand

Joined: Jan 28, 2003
Posts: 1340
A blonde attends an interview for a secretary position. She's the only female applicant. To reassure her, the manager says proudly, "We're an equal opprotunities employer, so you won't find us engaging in any behaviour which promotes stereotyping of any kind."
The blonde replies, "Well thank you but its okay, really. I can type with both hands you know."
Michael Morris
Ranch Hand

Joined: Jan 30, 2002
Posts: 3451
Q: Why don't blondes like to rake leaves?
A: They keep falling out of the tree.
Did you hear about the blonde that burnt her face bobbing for french fries?
Q: How do you drive a blonde crazy?
A: Put her in a silo and tell her the bathroom is in the corner.
A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. So she went to a playground, grabbed a kid, and took him behind a tree. "I've kidnapped you!", said the blonde and then proceeded to write a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and place it under the pecan tree next to the playground. Signed, A Blonde." The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show his parents.
The next morning the blonde checked under the tree and surely enough, a paper bag was sitting there. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"


Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius - and a lot of courage - to move in the opposite direction. - Ernst F. Schumacher
Michael Ernest
High Plains Drifter
Sheriff

Joined: Oct 25, 2000
Posts: 7292

A blonde called the Guinness Book of World Records. "My friends and I want to declare a new world record!" she exclaimed.
"In what category?" came the reply.
"Jigsaw puzzles!"
"Jigsaw puzzles?" the editor said. "How many pieces did your group assemble?"
"Oh we didn't even count them all," she replied.
"Well then," responded the editor, "how do you know you've broken a record?"
"Well it took us only three days to finish the puzzle," the blonde replied. "and the box says it normally takes 3 to 6 years!"


Make visible what, without you, might perhaps never have been seen.
- Robert Bresson
Kathy Sierra
Cowgirl and Author
Ranch Hand

Joined: Oct 10, 2002
Posts: 1572
Originally posted by Kevin Thompson:
Notice how that the original poster is a "trail boss".

Well, if I may reveal a deep dark secret here... Paul *wanted* to be the cowgirl originally, but I insisted that there could be only one cowgirl -- me. The blonde. So, in keeping with the ranch theme, he became the 'trail boss.' Every ranch needs one -- *somebody* has to lead the rest of the ranch hands, and bring in the herd.
As a *blonde* woman in the IT industry for the last 15 years, I have absolutely NO idea what the hell you're talking about! I LOVE it! And as for the user groups, etc., I used to run one in Los Angeles, and yeah, there were only about 3 women for every 100 men. Why do you think I started it?
The male members adored me
And going to JavaOne? For a single girl, you're better off spending the money to go to JavaOne than to join a match-making/dating service. The odds at a computer convention are about as good as it gets for us .
This is 2003 for gosh sakes. I couldn't possibly get any more respect than I already have in the IT world. In fact, before I met Bert, I found myself thinking, geez, is that all these men want me for? My Java expertise? Don't *any* of them want to flirt anymore?? (fortunately, yes, many still do).
I fell head over heels for the first guy brave enough to say, "I could care less how good your code is, because DAMN you have great legs!" (I actually don't, but you can see why I had to have him )
cheers,
Kathy,
the blonde


Co-Author of <a href="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0596007124/ref=jranch-20" target="_blank" rel="nofollow">"Head First Design Patterns"</a><br /> <br />Just a Jini girl living in a J2EE world.
Richard Hawkes
Ranch Hand

Joined: Jan 28, 2003
Posts: 1340
A professional person and a non-professional person are sitting next to each other on a long flight. While the employment, age, gender, race and hair colour of either person is not known, for the purposes of this joke it is generally assumed that the first person makes lots of money in a highly competative profession that has required many years of study to qualify for. The money is made sometimes at the expense of others and many people outside of the profession routinely question the ethics of this. The second person is generally considered to be not quite as intelligent in terms of book-smarts, or as wily or cunning as the first person for various reasons including, but not limited too, hair colour and gender.
Anyway the first person leans over to the second and asks if s/he would like to play a fun game. The second person just wants to take a nap, so s/he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The first person persists and explains that the game is really easy and lots of fun. S/he explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me �5, and visa-versa." Again, the second person politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The first person, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me �5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you �50!" figuring that, since s/he is a person normally assumed to be not as intelligent as him/herself by virtue that s/he him/herself is a member of the profession that s/he is in, and also by virtue the second person having the colour hair s/he does, that s/he will easily win the match.
This catches the the second person's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless s/he plays, agrees to the game.
The the first person asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The second person doesn't say a word, reaches into his/her wallet/purse, pulls out a five-pound note and hands it to the first person.
Now, it's the second person's turn . S/he asks the first person "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The professional looks at him/her with a puzzled look. S/he then takes out his/her laptop computer and searches all his/her references. S/he taps into the Airphone with his/her modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, s/he sends E-mails to all his/her coworkers and friends s/he knows. All to no avail.
After over an hour, s/he wakes the non-professional with non-disclosed hair colour and hands him/her �50. The second person politely takes the �50 and turns away to get back to sleep.
The professional, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the second person and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?"
Without a word, the second person reaches into his/her wallet/purse, hands the the first person �5, and goes back to sleep.
Michael Ernest
High Plains Drifter
Sheriff

Joined: Oct 25, 2000
Posts: 7292

50 blondes and 50 brunettes take a ferry ride together. As the ticket-taker starts coming around the boat, all the brunettes run to the bathroom. When the ticket-taker knocks on the bathroom door, they slide their one ticket under the door, and all is well.
The blondes see this all take place and admire the craftiness of their counterparts. So the next day the blondes arrive early and head straight for the bathroom once they board.
The brunettes arrive a while later and take their seats, buying enough tickets for all but one person in their party. The remaining brunette walks up to the bathroom door, knocks, and says, "Ticket please."
Bhau Mhatre
Ranch Hand

Joined: Jun 11, 2003
Posts: 199
A young and beautiful blonde woman in New York was so depressed that she
decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Hudson River. She
was about to leap into the freezing water when a handsome young sailor
saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying.
He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm
off to England in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on
my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."
Moving closer, he slipped his arm round hershoulder and added, "I'll
keep you happy, and you'll keep mehappy." The girl nodded Yes. After
all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in England would
give her life new meaning.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.
From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of
fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Two weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the
captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked. "I have an
arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a
trip to England, and he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."


-Mumbai cha Bhau
paul wheaton
Trailboss

Joined: Dec 14, 1998
Posts: 20493
    ∞

I got rid of the pesky non-jokes ....
Anonymous
Ranch Hand

Joined: Nov 22, 2008
Posts: 18944
Q. What did the blonde�s left leg say to her right leg?
A. Between the two of us, we can make a lot of money.
 
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