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Headlines you won't see in 2004

HS Thomas
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Joined: May 15, 2002
Posts: 3404
Jabba The Hut && John Prescott...are one and the same, (Open for debate)
John Prescott to play Jabba the Hut in the new Star Wars film

Great Britain joins the Euro ; everyone's so confused most think we have.
Brussel Sprouts gets renamed to British Sprouts
The coallition hand over power and move out of Iraq
Bush gets re-elected
Microsoft receives harshest possible EU penalty
Apple calls Microsoft penalty 'too harsh'
Record industry admits bad music not Kazaa to blame for sales slump
Ballmer: "I lost four stone on the Atkins diet"
Privacy groups back biometric ID cards
SETI project finds alien life
Spammers call it a day
UK pensioner wins �10m on Netherlands State Lottery... turns out it's genuine
Sophos' Graham Cluley "lost for words"
US government declares "We've backed so many terrorists.. uh.. Freedom Fighters over the years we're declaring war on ourselves."
British Government says "No!" to 'suggestion' from Bush.
Masses of world's criminals caught by government "snooping bills", not one complaint of infringment of privacy.
Microsoft confirms that they have finally secured all of their products and now offer a money back guarantee if a hacker proves them wrong.
Virus writers admit that they are paid employees of Symantec and McAfee
Nigerian money laundering scam is not a scam. They really do have money that they want to give you...
Bill Gates was cloned.
MS's Ballmer admits learning the 'screaming monkey dance' from Michael Jackson's pet chimp 'Bubbles' after attending a sleep over at MJ's Neverland.
Saddam found innocent.
Drunken hamster writes new freeware Operating System that looks and works amazingly like new Window's Longhorn OS. Microsoft promises not to sue.
RIAA admits that their tactics backfired and that a bad economy and high CD prices were the real reasons for lower than expected sales in 2003.
People stop buying crap advertised in spam e-mails
Church of Scientology finally admits that Ron L Hubbard died many years ago.
Gartner Group confirms that having Bill Gates as a major investor does influence their research findings
Microsoft announces that they are reducing prices because they don't really need any more money...
US Senators stop listening to high paid lobbyist and refuse to accept any further payola from software manufacturers.
Bill Gates has Ballmer cloned...
All religious and terrorist factions stop fighting and start putting their 'people' ahead of their own petty personal agendas.
[ April 21, 2004: Message edited by: HS Thomas ]
Max Habibi
town drunk
( and author)
Sheriff

Joined: Jun 27, 2002
Posts: 4118

Brussel Sprouts gets renamed to British Sprouts

DAMMIT, I SPIT UP MY TEA


Java Regular Expressions
Michael Ernest
High Plains Drifter
Sheriff

Joined: Oct 25, 2000
Posts: 7292

British Government says "No!" to 'suggestion' from Bush
Oh c'mon now, it could happen!


Make visible what, without you, might perhaps never have been seen.
- Robert Bresson
Joe King
Ranch Hand

Joined: Sep 02, 2003
Posts: 820
Originally posted by Michael Ernest:
British Government says "No!" to 'suggestion' from Bush
Oh c'mon now, it could happen!

LOL. Sometimes I wonder quite how two sided the "special relationship" really is. Certainly there is a lot of similarities between the UK and the US, and in the past the US had good reason to listen to the UK - the UK was an extremely powerful nation, and even now is economically influential.... but... I still get the feeling that the "special relationship" is only special as long as the UK wants the same thing as the US. As the US becomes increasingly competitive economically with the EU, not to mention politically divergent from many of its members, will the American opinion of the UK shift away from "elderly relative who used to be important, but is now just an old man deserving some respect" to "grumpy old has-been who is not worth listening to, especially since he's started hanging out with those other crazy old gimmers".
Here in the UK, the politicians quite often trump up the "special relationship". Is it even mentioned in the US news? If so, what does the average American think - respected ally, or simply a country worth being nice to for the moment because it is helping the war?
Anand Jayaraman
Ranch Hand

Joined: Jan 28, 2004
Posts: 104
U.S Troops in Afghanistan capture bin Laden.
Richard Hawkes
Ranch Hand

Joined: Jan 28, 2003
Posts: 1340
The term 'special relationship' is about as meaningful as 'special mustard' - its been bandied around so much with little qualification Solidarity exists on common goals and where both parties stand to gain something, just like with any other government. It just so happens this has been more common for the UK and the States in the past than with other countries it seems. Do people talk about a special relationship between America and Canada? I'm sure there must be one.
For Blair (currently) its important to show a measure of international support for a superpower that could quite easily go it alone - its important to present a united front against terror AND to reduce political fallout between Europe and the US in the future. He was quite explicit about it in one interview if I recall correctly.
In general terms the UK is as influenced by Europe as it is by the US and I think the UK will still have a politically and culturally vital role in the future as the so-called bridge between the US and continental Europe.
As for how much the UK can influence the US to do something it doesn't want to do just by virtue of being best mates, I'd say very little! Only in areas where the US is weak and the UK is strong and that will come to depend more and more on the UK's 'special relationship' with the EU. On that point however Blair has made it clear he doesn't support the idea of two opposing 'western' blocs.
Richard Hawkes
Ranch Hand

Joined: Jan 28, 2003
Posts: 1340
Bin Laden's son christened Elvis
Max Habibi
town drunk
( and author)
Sheriff

Joined: Jun 27, 2002
Posts: 4118
Nigerian money laundering scam is not a scam. They really do have money that they want to give you...
I wonder how much money's been made of that thing?
Ashok Mash
Ranch Hand

Joined: Oct 13, 2000
Posts: 1936
Osama Bin Ladan declares truce with US and warns Arab nations to be take a democratic route or face the consequences.


[ flickr ]
Axel Janssen
Ranch Hand

Joined: Jan 08, 2001
Posts: 2164
another one:
After 20 years of endless debate the germans finally have found a clear roadmap how to approach reforming their country.
[ April 21, 2004: Message edited by: Axel Janssen ]
Mark Fletcher
Ranch Hand

Joined: Dec 08, 2001
Posts: 897
Originally posted by Axel Janssen:
another one:
After 20 years of endless debate the germans finally have found a clear roadmap how to approach reforming their country.
[ April 21, 2004: Message edited by: Axel Janssen ]

Or -
Scotland actually wins sporting competition at international level...
H1-B'er admits that "There are plenty unemployed Americans with similar skillset who could do my job" but "Im just here for the fast cars and loose women!"
Osama Bin Laden admits he has "Messianic complex"


Mark Fletcher - http://www.markfletcher.org/blog
I had some Java certs, but they're too old now...
Don Stadler
Ranch Hand

Joined: Feb 10, 2004
Posts: 451
i Bin Laden's son christened Elvis
Do Muslims get 'christened'?
Joe King
Ranch Hand

Joined: Sep 02, 2003
Posts: 820
George Bush in shock coherent speech.
France wins spectacular military victory over Germany.
Javaranch political debate thread lasts more than three pages without mentioning 1)Nazis, 2)Communists or 3)appeasment.
[ April 21, 2004: Message edited by: Joe King ]
Max Habibi
town drunk
( and author)
Sheriff

Joined: Jun 27, 2002
Posts: 4118
Originally posted by Joe King:

Javaranch political debate thread lasts more than three pages without mentioning 1)Nazis, 2)Communists or 3)appeasment.
[ April 21, 2004: Message edited by: Joe King ]

dammit, I was hoping it would be this thread: thanks a lot Joe....
M
Mark Fletcher
Ranch Hand

Joined: Dec 08, 2001
Posts: 897
Originally posted by Joe King:

Javaranch political debate thread lasts more than three pages without mentioning 1)Nazis, 2)Communists or 3)appeasment.
[ April 21, 2004: Message edited by: Joe King ]

Will never happen, NEVER!
More likely:
Nazis, Communists and Appeasers gather to discuss the finer points of programming in Java and raising livestock.
Mark Fletcher
Ranch Hand

Joined: Dec 08, 2001
Posts: 897
Heres another one, although its a 2005 one.
Vikings Win Superbowl.
HS Thomas
Ranch Hand

Joined: May 15, 2002
Posts: 3404
Media held in high esteem.
Conider the headline : " Accused Spy is Cousin of Bush Staffer. "
Susan Lindauer allegedly became an agent for Iraqi Intelligence agency.
She is second cousin to someone who works in Bush's office. Before becoming an agent she worked for 10 years for the Dems.A fact hardly worth reporting. But, second cousin! hold the front page!
"The guy responsible for the Madrid bombings is the third cousin twice removed of Karl Rove."
Joel McNary
Bartender

Joined: Aug 20, 2001
Posts: 1817

Originally posted by Max Habibi:
[qb]Nigerian money laundering scam is not a scam. They really do have money that they want to give you...
I wonder how much money's been made of that thing?[/QB]

Too much. This has been a very effeciant scam...so much, in fact, that they need a bank accout to put it in. If you can just provide your bank account, you will receive a portion of this money....


Piscis Babelis est parvus, flavus, et hiridicus, et est probabiliter insolitissima raritas in toto mundo.
Max Habibi
town drunk
( and author)
Sheriff

Joined: Jun 27, 2002
Posts: 4118
Elton John decides he never really liked Diana all that much
M
[ April 21, 2004: Message edited by: Max Habibi ]
Mark Fletcher
Ranch Hand

Joined: Dec 08, 2001
Posts: 897
David Beckham dropped from Vodafone adverts.

No, wait...
Tony Alicea
Desperado
Sheriff

Joined: Jan 30, 2000
Posts: 3222
    
    5
Redmond, WA (API) - Microsoft Corp. (MSFT) today unexpectedly announced that it is releasing the source code of its Windows family of operating systems to the Open Source movement under the GPL license.


Tony Alicea
Senior Java Web Application Developer, SCPJ2, SCWCD
Steve Wink
Ranch Hand

Joined: May 13, 2002
Posts: 223
Originally posted by Mark Fletcher:
David Beckham dropped from Vodafone adverts.

No, wait...

Well at least now we know why he was smiling on those ads...
 
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subject: Headlines you won't see in 2004