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Odd instructions

Marilyn de Queiroz
Sheriff

Joined: Jul 22, 2000
Posts: 9053
    
  12
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
(Darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be how???....)

On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(But, it's "just" a suggestion.)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."
(well,...duh, a bit late, huh!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought???...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
(But wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(and...I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to...what?)

On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: maybe, uh...discard packet?)


On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)


On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Oh my gosh...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

On the instructions for a hair perm...."now place the plastic bag over the head"
(Hope not too many hairdressers followed that direction!!!)


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John Smith
Ranch Hand

Joined: Oct 08, 2001
Posts: 2937
On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (Oh my gosh...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

This one is pretty good.

I recently refinanced my house, so the lawyer came to my home to do the closing. I had to sign at least 50 different forms, and I asked the lawer about the quantity. He told me that each one of those forms was the result of some lawsuit against the mortgage company. It's just a matter of time before you will need to read and sign 500 forms to refinance, and I would not be surprised if I see some warning like "Causes home sickness if not occupied for extened periods of time".
Gregg Bolinger
GenRocket Founder
Ranch Hand

Joined: Jul 11, 2001
Posts: 15300
    
    6

A heard a comedian one time talking about how all warning signs stem from someone doing something stupid. One sign he mentioned was on the tarmack of a runway near the terminals. It stated..

All traffic must yield to aircraft.

He proceded to say that at some time, someone actually decided that the airplane would yield for him. Thus, now there is a sign. Pretty funny.


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Helen Thomas
Ranch Hand

Joined: Jan 13, 2004
Posts: 1759
Originally posted by Gregg Bolinger:
A heard a comedian one time talking about how all warning signs stem from someone doing something stupid.


A Chinese man was hospitalised after using his umbrella as a parachute. He thought his microwave was about to explode and jumped from the window of his second floor flat. He presumed the umbrella would enable him to land safely like Mary Poppins but ended up with two broken legs.

The Chinese word for "umbrella" is also the word for "come apart."
Similarly "sending you clock" put together in Chinese pronunciation is similar to "attend your funeral." In Chinese culture if people look down on someone, they often say, "Please look at your face in the mirror." So umbrellas, clocks and mirrors are taboo gifts in Chinese culture.

Umbrellas should come with a warning : These don't help you fly unless there is a force 7 gale. Funnily enough no one is keen to test this theory.

Instructions with the microwave on what to do if it's about to explode would help. Like, DO NOT jump out of a window with only an umbrella.
[ June 23, 2004: Message edited by: Helen Thomas ]

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Stan James
(instanceof Sidekick)
Ranch Hand

Joined: Jan 29, 2003
Posts: 8791
Another comic, Viet Nam vet, claimed that land mines had a warning on the bottom: Do not eat.


A good question is never answered. It is not a bolt to be tightened into place but a seed to be planted and to bear more seed toward the hope of greening the landscape of the idea. John Ciardi
Bert Bates
author
Sheriff

Joined: Oct 14, 2002
Posts: 8883
    
    5
Oh, you've all probably seen these but I couldn't resist:

Warning: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.

Warning: This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the Universe, Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a Force Proportional to the Product of the Masses and Inversely Proportional to the Distance Between Them.

Caution: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85 Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight.

Handle with Extreme Care: This Product Contains Minute Electrically Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred Million Miles per Hour.

Consumer Notice: Because of the 'Uncertainty Principle,' It Is Impossible for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both Precisely Where This Product Is and How Fast It Is Moving.

Advisory: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That, Through a Process Known as 'Tunneling,' This Product May Spontaneously Disappear from Its Present Location and Reappear at Any Random Place in the Universe, Including Your neighbor's Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not Be Responsible for Any Damages or Inconvenience That May Result.

Read This Before Opening Package: According to Certain Suggested Versions of a Grand Unified Theory, the Primary Particles Constituting This Product May Decay to Nothingness Within the Next Four Hundred Million Years.

This is a 100% Matter product: In the Unlikely Event That This Merchandise Should Contact Antimatter in Any Form, a Catastrophic Explosion Will Result.

Public Notice as Required by Law: Any Use of This Product, in Any Manner Whatsoever, Will Increase the Amount of Disorder in the Universe. Although No Liability Is Implied Herein, the Consumer Is Warned That This Process Will Ultimately Lead to the Heat Death of the Universe.

Note: The Most Fundamental Particles in This Product Are Held Together by a 'Gluing' Force About Which Little Is Currently Known and Whose Adhesive Power Can Therefore Not Be Permanently Guaranteed.

Attention: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found Hereon, the Consumer Is Advised That, in Actuality, This Product Consists Of 99.9999999999% Empty Space.

New Grand Unified Theory Disclaimer: The Manufacturer May Technically Be Entitled to Claim That This Product Is Ten-Dimensional. However, the Consumer Is Reminded That This Confers No Legal Rights Above and Beyond Those Applicable to Three-Dimensional Objects, Since the Seven New Dimensions Are 'Rolled Up' into Such a Small 'Area' That They Cannot Be Detected.

Please Note: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When the Consumer Is Not Directly Observing This Product, It May Cease to Exist or Will Exist Only in a Vague and Undetermined State.

Component equivalency notice: The Subatomic Particles (Electrons, Protons, etc.) Comprising This Product Are Exactly the Same in Every Measurable Respect as Those Used in the Products of Other Manufacturers, and No Claim to the Contrary May Legitimately Be Expressed or Implied.

Health Warning: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This Product, Since Its Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent on Its Velocity Relative to the User.

Important Notice to Purchasers: The Entire Physical Universe, Including This Product, May One Day Collapse Back into an Infinitesimally Small Space. Should Another Universe Subsequently Reemerge, the Existence of This Product in That Universe Cannot be Guaranteed.


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