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Computer ,Science and Maths Jokes

Helen Thomas
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Joined: Jan 13, 2004
Posts: 1759
An ad in an Australian periodical, back page, right-hand column: (copied without permission)

BANKING EXPR NOT NECESSARY
(4)COBOL PROGS.......To 434K++
Low Interest Loans
19 Day Month

Comment : Banking experience would soon be gained with that sort of money.



CAT and PET scanners previously only available to use on humans will shortly be available in vets practices.
[ October 28, 2004: Message edited by: Helen Thomas ]

Le Cafe Mouse - Helen's musings on the web - Java Skills and Thrills
"God who creates and is nature is very difficult to understand, but he is not arbitrary or malicious." OR "God does not play dice." - Einstein
Helen Thomas
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Joined: Jan 13, 2004
Posts: 1759
Maths jokes.

There's the one about three professors who find ways to fence sheep.

Another one about adders who can only multiply with logs.

These can get a smile, but are there no FUNNY Maths jokes ?
Michael Matola
whippersnapper
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Joined: Mar 25, 2001
Posts: 1752
    
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What? Hearing people say "maths" isn't funny enough on its own?

RD&H
Helen Thomas
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Joined: Jan 13, 2004
Posts: 1759
Originally posted by Michael Matola:
What? Hearing people say "maths" isn't funny enough on its own?

RD&H


That has to be one of the funniest. TIC
Michael Ernest
High Plains Drifter
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Joined: Oct 25, 2000
Posts: 7292

A firefighter, an engineer and a mathematician are each asked to put out a fire.

The firefighter gets one the scene, does a quick rescue search, lays his hose lines to defend the surrounding structure, knocks down the fire from the outside in, puts out any trailing fires, and salvages furniture as needed. Some damage, both water and fire, but it's out quickly.

The engineer approaches the fire with a notebook and scientific calculator. After studying the file for some time and taking several notes, he leaves the scene. He returns with a 24 oz. container of water which he pours on a precise point in the head of the fire. This act extinguishes the primary part of the fire, and the remaining peripheral fires extinguish themselves eventually in a chain reaction. Lots of fire damage, excellent conservation of water resources. No more than needed to do the job.

The mathematician approaches the fire with a ream of paper, a lunch, and several volumes on flame theory. He takes copious notes in a notation no one around can understand, consults the volumes at hand to verify his conclusions, and leaves the scene. He returns with a Q-tip and a thimble of water. He lights the Q-tip on one end and dips it into the water, snuffing out the small flame. "Aha!" he exclaims. "A solution does in fact exist!"


Make visible what, without you, might perhaps never have been seen.
- Robert Bresson
Damien Howard
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Joined: Apr 01, 2003
Posts: 456
The fcn f(x)=5 comes running around the corner when he bumps into e^x. 5 looks quite scared and is sweating profusely, so e^x asks him what is wrong. 5 replies, the derivative fcn is coming and he is mighty angry. He has been derivating people to extinction all day. I'm afriad he might get me next and then poof I'll be gone. e^x laughs, ha, he can't get me. I'm my own derivative and so he walks around the corner and runs smack right into the derivative fcn. e^x smirking says, I'm e^x.

The derivative fcn says, nice to meet you I'm dy/dt.
Gail Mikels
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Joined: May 07, 2001
Posts: 634
Constipated mathematicians have to

work it out with a pencil!


Gail Mikels
Max Habibi
town drunk
( and author)
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Joined: Jun 27, 2002
Posts: 4118
Originally posted by Damien Howard:
The fcn f(x)=5 comes running around the corner when he bumps into e^x. 5 looks quite scared and is sweating profusely, so e^x asks him what is wrong. 5 replies, the derivative fcn is coming and he is mighty angry. He has been derivating people to extinction all day. I'm afriad he might get me next and then poof I'll be gone. e^x laughs, ha, he can't get me. I'm my own derivative and so he walks around the corner and runs smack right into the derivative fcn. e^x smirking says, I'm e^x.

The derivative fcn says, nice to meet you I'm dy/dt.


That's awesome! I'll send it to my father(Ph.D in Math), as well as my sister(B.S in math).

M


Java Regular Expressions
Ray Marsh
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Joined: Jan 12, 2000
Posts: 458
Originally posted by Elaine Micheals:
Constipated mathematicians have to

work it out with a pencil!


Heard that one. ewwww!

Here's one that I've seen on this board in the past.

"There are 10 types of people in the world, those who can read binary and those who can't."


Anxiety does not empty tomorrow of its sorrows, but only empties today of its strength. – Charles Spurgeon
Helen Thomas
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Joined: Jan 13, 2004
Posts: 1759
How did the mathematician explain his parrot's death?
"polynomial, polygon"
Helen Thomas
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Joined: Jan 13, 2004
Posts: 1759
A group of mathematicians and a group of engineers weretaking a train to attend a joint conference. Each of the mathematicians had a ticket, but only one of the engineers did. The mathematicians were snickering about this when one of the engineers returned to the car and shouted, "Conductor's coming!"

All of the engineers hurried back and crammed into a restroom, and when the conductor came by, he knocked on the door and said,"Ticket please." The engineer with the ticket passed it under the door, and the conductor punched it and returned it. After the conductor left, all the engineers came piling out, and the mathematicians sat there in amazement.

On the return trip the mathematicians decided to do the same thing, so they only purchased one ticket amongst them. This time,none of the engineers had a ticket. The mathematicians were snickering again, when an engineer ran in the car and said "Conductor's coming." All of the mathematicians piled into one restroom and all of the engineers into another. The last engineer in knocked on the restroom of mathematicians and said,

"Ticket, please." He then took the ticket and joined the rest of the engineers.
Mapraputa Is
Leverager of our synergies
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Joined: Aug 26, 2000
Posts: 10065
Here is my favorite joke about mathematicians.

"An astronomer, a physicist and a mathematician were holidaying in Scotland. Glancing from a train window, they observed a black sheep in the middle of a field.

"How interesting," observed the astronomer, "all scottish sheep are black!"

To which the physicist responded, "No, no! Some Scottish sheep are black!"

The mathematician gazed heavenward in supplication, and then intoned, "In Scotland there exists at least one field, containing at least one sheep, at least one side of which is black."


Uncontrolled vocabularies
"I try my best to make *all* my posts nice, even when I feel upset" -- Philippe Maquet
Mapraputa Is
Leverager of our synergies
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Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall,
Aleph-null bottles of beer,
You take one down, and pass it around,
Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall.
Matthew Taylor
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Joined: Jun 13, 2004
Posts: 110
"So," stated Detective Johnson sharply, reclenching his pipe between his teeth, "tell me again of the circumstances regarding Miss Crenwall's passing."

The lanky Texan briefly mopped his sweaty brow with a handkerchief, then tucked it away in his shirt pocket. "It's like I've been tellin' you all along: she was drivin' on back to her house when her car ended up flyin' offa the road� somewhere 'round that repaved stretch near the Winnemucca Exit, I reckon. Ended up bein' nothin' but a twisted mess o' metal 'n glass� damn shame, for a lady like that. Damn shame." He stared off into the distance, frowning slightly, then let out a long, low sigh. "Can't believe sumpin' like this done happened again...."

"Again?" Johnson perked up at the mention of the word, his curiosity piqued. "What, praytell, do you mean by 'again'?"

"This been the second young filly we done lost in as many months, Mister Johnson," creaked the Texan unevenly. "I tol' 'em we been workin' 'em too hard, but in a big ol' fancy-dan corp'ration like this, ain't no one much inclined to listen to a saw from an ol' timer such as m'self. And all 'cuz o' that stupid dog...."

"I believe you have me at a disadvantage again, good sir," piped the detective. "A dog?"

"Oh, you're gonna love this one. Pick up a seat and prick your ears at this jobber:

"So Ted Grossman been the man who started Grossman Industries up in the first place. Hell of a man, I tell ya. Just him and Bobby Knull and Sam Glenwood back in the beginning, workin' in the back lot of Sam's place, usin' milk crates for furniture and what have ya. Ted's the nicest guy you'd ever wanna meet: polite to a fault, generous with ev'r'one who knew 'im, shakin' hands and kissin' babies 'til the cows came home. Prince of a feller, I tell you that.

"Only one weird thing 'bout Ted: he don't take kindly to dogs particul'ly much. Sumpin' to do 'bout an angry mutt damn makin' off with his leg when he's just a wee one, so I hear it. Sam'd do anythin' for a man he trusted, givin' 'im his bottom dollar while shinin' his shoes and smilin' all the while, but you ever tried to get a dog much near 'im, he'd snap like crazy and bite your head off. Had an official company policy 'bout it an everything, so the story goes.

"Anyhoo, 'round 'bout three months ago, Bobby shows up with this dog in tow. It's this German Pointer� friendly pooch, nicest dog y'might ever wanna lay eyes on� but Ted goin' ape-shit 'bout it nonetheless. He's all huffin' and puffin', steamin' 'bout 'What the hell you doing with that mutt here, Knull?' and 'That dog is against the policies of this company,' but ol' Bobby Knull ain't gonna hear a word 'bout it. He says that his pooch is just an ever-so-playful thing, an' that he ain't gonna hurt nobody� and besides, there been a company by-law sayin' he could have his pooch there if he damn well wanted.

"This gets Ted even more hot under th' collar� ain't no one gonna make a fool of him!� so he starts tellin' all his folks to start tearin' through all the company rules 'n reg'lations, lookin' f'r what so-called 'exception' Bobby seems t' be talkin' 'bout. It's a slow process, havin' someone crawl through reams of dense company code line by line and page by page, but 'at's the only way Ted's gonn' be happy 'bout such things. He starts keepin' folks later 'n later, havin' 'em scan through more 'n more, searchin' 'n vain for one puny li'l sentence 'bout a dog so he can get back at crafty ol' Bobby Knull.

"Just lookit this place," the Texan continued. "Done look like a twister been amblin' through these parts, way they got books 'n papers 'n forms all scattered 'bout. Miss Crenwall'd been here awful late rummagin' through things, even for her; at Ted's request, ain't been leavin' 'til two or three in th' mornin' most days this week. She... she jus'..." The Texan paused, staring at the ground, tears welling in his eyes. He moved his lips in subtle motions, but found himself unable to continue.

"Fascinating," murmured Detective Johnson, breaking the awkward silence. "So it's your belief that Miss Cromwell most likely lost control of her vehicle due to excessive physical fatigue?"

"Ayup," whispered the Texan through clenched teeth.

"Fascinating," repeated the detective quietly. "So I presume that no one's ever found the documentation that Mister Knull has been referring to regarding his canine?"

The Texan's face broke out in a sad, bittersweet grimace. "No sir," he iterated slowly. "That's the part that's most annoyin' by half. It's a fatal crash caused by a Knull Pointer exception that we just can't find."

(Stolen from www.antwon.com)


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Damien Howard
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Joined: Apr 01, 2003
Posts: 456
Originally posted by Max Habibi:


That's awesome! I'll send it to my father(Ph.D in Math), as well as my sister(B.S in math).

M


I'm glad someone liked it, my friends all thought I was a complete dork. Which I am, but that doesn't mean I want htme to tell me
[ October 29, 2004: Message edited by: Damien Howard ]
Svend Rost
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Joined: Oct 23, 2002
Posts: 904
(Found on the net)

At a recent computer exposition, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If General Motors had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, GM issued a press release stating: "If General Motors had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1) For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2) Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3) Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason, you would simply accept this.
4) Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5) Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive -- but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6) The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "General Protection Fault" warning light.
7) The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8) Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9) Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
19) You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
Helen Thomas
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Joined: Jan 13, 2004
Posts: 1759
Svend, I've heard that joke before and it still cracks me up.
[ October 29, 2004: Message edited by: Helen Thomas ]
Thomas Paul
mister krabs
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I hope everyone realizes that the Microsoft/GM joke is a joke and never actually happened.


Associate Instructor - Hofstra University
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Thomas Paul
mister krabs
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Posts: 13974
Originally posted by Rita Moore:
Really?


http://www.snopes.com/humor/jokes/autos.htm
Mapraputa Is
Leverager of our synergies
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Joined: Aug 26, 2000
Posts: 10065
"A mathematician is a machine for turning coffee into theorems"
Helen Thomas
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Joined: Jan 13, 2004
Posts: 1759
Good rib ticklers.

Any rib-crackin chortlers? Or else, one has to assume Maths does earn it's reputation as boring.

Originally posted by Mapraputa Is:
"A mathematician is a machine for turning coffee into theorems"


Mathematicians, don't sell yourselves short. People need coffee.

[ If you didn't hear about the Guardian employee campaigning for the US election- She siad "it is probably the most important thing I have ever done."
To which a US respondent replied, "Don't sell yourself short, kid. People still need coffee." ]
[ October 30, 2004: Message edited by: Helen Thomas ]
Helen Thomas
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Joined: Jan 13, 2004
Posts: 1759
1960's Arithmetic test:
"A logger cuts and sells a truck load of lumber for $100. His cost of production is four-fiths of that amount.
What is his profit?"

70's New Math test:
"A logger exchanges a set (L) of lumber for a set (M) of money. The cardinality of set M is 100. The set C of production costs contains 20 fewer points.
What is the cardinality of set P of profits?"

80's education reform version:
"A logger cuts and sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost is $80, and his profit is $20.
Find and circle the number 20."

90's version:
"An unenlightened logger cuts down a beautiful stand of 100 old growth trees in order to make a $20 profit.
Write an essay explaining how you feel about this as a way of making money.
Topic for discussion: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel?"

[source unknown]
 
wood burning stoves
 
subject: Computer ,Science and Maths Jokes