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Indian arranged marriages

Arjun Shastry
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Joined: Mar 13, 2003
Posts: 1874
. Those ranchers who had successful arranged marriages till now,what are the questions should be asked to prospective spouse?I can not think more than 10 questions which mainly sound similar to final interview by Manager in a company. .
For those who are not much familiar with arranged marriages in India:
After horoscope match(See the horoscope thread by Helen Thomas),either of family goes to another one.After that it generally goes like this:
1)Introduce each other with family members.
2)"Boy" and "girl" face the questions from opposite sides.These questions are generally rudimentary in nature like :"where do you work?",Where do you stay?,eating habbits,future plans etc.
3) Somebody from either side suggest "boy" and "girl" can discuss privately if they want.
4)"Boy" and "girl" ask series of questions/views etc to each other.
5)Guests depart and request the hosts the know their opinion in a week or so.
6)"Girl" and "Boy" discuss with their family and then decide whether to "go ahead" or stop there itself by responding "Views don't match" by calling other side.
7)If both agree to goahead,another interview can be conducted if either side wishes.If no need,then discussion on how to goahead for marriage starts.These include,financial expenditure to be incurred by either side,venue of marriage etc.
IMO,deciding the life partner in 45-90 minutes is little difficult.But reality is you have to or you can go for love marriage which are also now common.
So what are the questions that should be asked?


MH
Helen Thomas
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Joined: Jan 13, 2004
Posts: 1759
Originally posted by Arjun Shastry:

After horoscope match(See the horoscope thread by Helen Thomas


That was just a matching word game starting with the word 'match'.
Probably just as effective as matching horoscopes.

You : Hot
She : Potato OR She : Chocolate

You : Hmmm ....


Le Cafe Mouse - Helen's musings on the web - Java Skills and Thrills
"God who creates and is nature is very difficult to understand, but he is not arbitrary or malicious." OR "God does not play dice." - Einstein
Damanjit Kaur
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Joined: Oct 18, 2004
Posts: 346
Go for love marriage. It never gets into my head how can one decide about a life term commitment within 45-90 minutes, no matter how many questions you ask.
peter wooster
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Joined: Jun 13, 2004
Posts: 1033
Originally posted by Damanjit Kaur:
Go for love marriage. It never gets into my head how can one decide about a life term commitment within 45-90 minutes, no matter how many questions you ask.


I don't know if "love" marriages are actually any better. They are often decided by adolescents in the throes of hormonally driven passion, with very few words said by either side. Here, in North America, where this is the standard method, the success rate is appaulingly low.
[ January 30, 2005: Message edited by: peter wooster ]
K Riaz
Ranch Hand

Joined: Jan 08, 2005
Posts: 375
What I don't like is that fact that you MUST get married. What? Eh? Where is the rule book? That is why I hate my culture, its so stupid. Thank god I am not a women, otherwise I would have been pulled out of school at 14 and put on the conveyer belt to an unneccessary marriage because "thats how its supposed to be".

I am abit anti-marriage anyway, as again in my culture we have the old fashioned "you go to work and leave the wife at home" routine. And as much as I hate to say it, women need men more then men need women.
Damanjit Kaur
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Joined: Oct 18, 2004
Posts: 346
In India, arranged marriages are seen as successful but most of the time there are compromises and sacrifices on one partner's side and they continue with that till the end because divorces are frowned upon in our society. Marriages are considered as sacred ties in our society. whether that be love or arranged. So whenever there is some conflict between couples, its usually sorted out by relatives or friends intervention. But in love marriages, relatives usually want the couple to split up.
According to me love means a mutual understanding and willingness on both partner's side to cooperate with each other which I feel one can find in Love marriages because one gets enough time to understand each other.
Varun Khanna
Ranch Hand

Joined: May 30, 2002
Posts: 1400
Originally posted by Arjun Shastry:

So what are the questions that should be asked?


I remember a guy who came with a page having 15-20 questions. He took the girl to some other table (they all met in a restaurant) and started asking questions one by one (with paper in hand)

I don't think you can label a person good or bad in just 50-60 mins.
But yeah, you can definitely sort out priorities.

So you finally gave up ... getting married eh?
[ January 30, 2005: Message edited by: K Varun ]

- Varun
ammu vasanth
Ranch Hand

Joined: Sep 04, 2004
Posts: 47
Originally posted by Peter Wooster:
I don't know if "love" marriages are actually any better. They are often decided by adolescents in the throes of hormonally driven passion, with very few words said by either side. Here, in North America, where this is the standard method, the success rate is appaulingly low.




TRUE
Nick George
Ranch Hand

Joined: Apr 04, 2004
Posts: 815
Bleh!

This is where I find it hard to be culturally sensitive. Arranged marriages seem so fundementally wrong to me.


I've heard it takes forever to grow a woman from the ground
Alan Wanwierd
Ranch Hand

Joined: Jun 30, 2004
Posts: 624
Originally posted by Nick George:
This is where I find it hard to be culturally sensitive. Arranged marriages seem so fundementally wrong to me.


I think if both participants are happy with the idea that it seems perfectly reasonable.

If anything its a far more sensible way of basing a long term relationship than the common western approach of finding a partner via a drunken encounter in a darkened room with loud music with both participants pouring copious amount of alcohol down their necks!
R K Singh
Ranch Hand

Joined: Oct 15, 2001
Posts: 5371
Originally posted by Damanjit Kaur:
Go for love marriage. It never gets into my head how can one decide about a life term commitment within 45-90 minutes, no matter how many questions you ask.


Dont marry the person with whom you want to live but marry a person without whom you cant live.... whatever be the case, final result is same

It never gets into my head how can one decide about a life term commitment within 45-90 minutes
On other side: How much time you think is required to decide for life term commitment. Some options are
1 month
6 month
1 year
3 year
......
.....
:roll:


Damanjit Kaur :
there are compromises and sacrifices on one partner's side and they continue with that till the end because divorces are frowned upon in our society.

I think whether its love or arrange, whatever be the case some adjustment(call it sacrifice) has to be made.

But I do agree, divorce should not be treated as taboo on anyone, Alas.. that is true here

Where is that mail that compares Lova and Arrange marriages in terms of IT industry ..


"Thanks to Indian media who has over the period of time swiped out intellectual taste from mass Indian population." - Chetan Parekh
Arjun Shastry
Ranch Hand

Joined: Mar 13, 2003
Posts: 1874
Originally posted by K Varun:

I remember a guy who came with a page having 15-20 questions. He took the girl to some other table (they all met in a restaurant) and started asking questions one by one (with paper in hand)
[ January 30, 2005: Message edited by: K Varun ]


Two months back,girl's father arrived in my house,and started asking the questions and then wrote down the answers given by me on a paper.Girl was out of town so this was preliminary round!
What are the questions which should be asked so that I can guess her thinking pattern?or its impossible? I am tired of asking the questions like ,1)What do you for work,your hobbies,your future plans etc.I can not at all guage whether girl speking truth or hiding something bcos of parental pressure.
[ January 30, 2005: Message edited by: Arjun Shastry ]
ammu vasanth
Ranch Hand

Joined: Sep 04, 2004
Posts: 47
f the initial feeling and passion can last for all one's life, why the artists paint sorrowful autumn wind on canvas? - Ellen

( Courtesy : R.K.Singh's signature ; Thanx man )

This is true to the core. So, let the initial passion and feeling start from the time of marriage..( this happens if it is arranged..) By the time of marriage in case of love, half this feeling and passion deteriorates off. And also, in case of disagreeing parents, there's this add-on pain as well. so, think twice before love-marrying
Malhar Barai
Author
Ranch Hand

Joined: Aug 17, 2001
Posts: 399
Originally posted by Arjun Shastry:


Two months back,girl's father arrived in my house,and started asking the questions and then wrote down the answers given by me on a paper.Girl was out of town so this was preliminary round!
What are the questions which should be asked so that I can guess her thinking pattern?or its impossible? I am tired of asking the questions like ,1)What do you for work,your hobbies,your future plans etc.I can not at all guage whether girl speking truth or hiding something bcos of parental pressure.

[ January 30, 2005: Message edited by: Arjun Shastry ]



Hi,

I dont think there's any specific set of questions that you can ask, but the most important thing is your priorities. In India, still there are houses, where women are not supposed to work, would you like your prospective bride to work, then it depends what she has studied & where she would like to work. The way she answers your queries, you can know if she's career oriented & wants to make use of the knowledge she has, its best to know her future plans.

Be it love or arranged, partners need to have sound understanding & always need to make some sacrifices.

So go for it, let the questions flow, dont use a predefined set. But be sure to have your priorities & let the girl know abt it too...

Good Luck

MB
Jeroen Wenting
Ranch Hand

Joined: Oct 12, 2000
Posts: 5093
you mean the prospective couple is now involved actively in the proceedings?
Where are the days when a marriage would be arranged directly after birth?


42
Malhar Barai
Author
Ranch Hand

Joined: Aug 17, 2001
Posts: 399
Originally posted by Jeroen Wenting:

Where are the days when a marriage would be arranged directly after birth?


Those days are very-much non-existent now, though still prevalent in very few region, as those are still socially-backward regions & we do need help of few NGO to get rid of these custom. In fact the politicians are not interested in uprooting them, as they are potential vote-banks, so the onus really lies on the NGOs.

-MB
Helen Thomas
Ranch Hand

Joined: Jan 13, 2004
Posts: 1759
Originally posted by Arjun Shastry:


I am tired of asking the questions like ,1)What do you for work,your hobbies,your future plans etc.I can not at all guage whether girl speking truth or hiding something bcos of parental pressure.



Are you allowed to take her out a couple of times to see if you enjoy each others company ?
[ January 31, 2005: Message edited by: Helen Thomas ]
Arjun Shastry
Ranch Hand

Joined: Mar 13, 2003
Posts: 1874
Originally posted by Helen Thomas:

Are you allowed to take her out a couple of times to see if you enjoy each others company ?
[ January 31, 2005: Message edited by: Helen Thomas ]


. Not in arranged marriages.You can talk twice,at the most thrice to each other.Time duration is not limited.As discussed by others,people tell their proprities and see whether they match with their partner.After that you must tell whether to go ahead or not.If both agree,depending on priority,engagement is done,then couple can go whereever they want(only during day!) prior to marriage.This varies from region to region but generally in cities,this is the pattern I have seen.You can not take her/him for 1/2 months on "trial basis" and then say No.
Helen Thomas
Ranch Hand

Joined: Jan 13, 2004
Posts: 1759
Well, I guess you could ask her what she like to read and remember opposites attract?

So if you like reading Filmworld and she likes to read science books it's probably a good match.
[ January 31, 2005: Message edited by: Helen Thomas ]
Damanjit Kaur
Ranch Hand

Joined: Oct 18, 2004
Posts: 346
R.K. Singh
How much time you think is required to decide for life term commitment. Some options are
1 month
6 month
1 year
3 year


Lower time limit : more than 6 months
Upper time limit : Not Known

Jeroen Wenting
you mean the prospective couple is now involved actively in the proceedings?
Where are the days when a marriage would be arranged directly after birth?



Its the western media that is to be blamed. They keep showing all the time just the poverty of asian countries and nothing else.(I am unable to make out about the intentions of western media- Do they want to show pity on poor people or they want to help them by showing their miseries to the West.) Few days back I was seeing on TV5 channel a documentary about a poor man riding rickshaw in the Inner circle of Connaught Place(in New Delhi). Thruout the movie they just kept focused very closely on the foot or face of that poor man showing his misery. Now my Indian friends living in New Delhi can easily guess how old that documentary might be, because the rickshaw pullers were forbidden to ride in C.P. long time back.
Sania Marsh
Ranch Hand

Joined: Jul 12, 2004
Posts: 469
I don't think divorce rate in US is high because of love marriages. It would be even higher if the marriages were arranged.
In my old country we had both types of marriages, the arranged ones were left over traditions from pre-USSR period, but there were no traditions or sociar rules on divorce and divorce rate was(is) higher than in US.
I married my husband against culture and traditions. I couldn't be happier right now, I know him for 10 years and I'm married for 6. and I think it is only initial love that we had lets us get through arguing and misunderstandings we have.
And what's up with the sorrowful autumn wind on canvas?
Does it mean a painter who paints sorrowful wind is not in love? and he painted sun when he was? Honestly makes no sence to me..
Jeroen Wenting
Ranch Hand

Joined: Oct 12, 2000
Posts: 5093
Originally posted by Damanjit Kaur:

Its the western media that is to be blamed. They keep showing all the time just the poverty of asian countries and nothing else.(I am unable to make out about the intentions of western media- Do they want to show pity on poor people or they want to help them by showing their miseries to the West.)


It's indeed mainly that, showing how much better off we are and then in the commercial break comes the real message which is "give us money for the poor people/animals/whatever in Africa/Asia/South America".
Personally it sickens me no small bit and in fact this whole commercialisation of charities has put me off permanently from giving to any of them (which I used to do regularly).

Notice I did as where those days had gone, and was somewhat surprised when someone said that in remote areas it's still the practice today...

My REAL surprise is that arranged marriages are apparently still widespread at all, I guess you didn't understand my maybe somewhat sarcastic response as intended
R K Singh
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Joined: Oct 15, 2001
Posts: 5371
Originally posted by Jeroen Wenting:
My REAL surprise is that arranged marriages are apparently still widespread at all, I guess you didn't understand my maybe somewhat sarcastic response as intended


Personally I dont see anything wrong with arranged marriages if it is going be a marriage between two families.

But if its a marriage between two person then I think better go with love marriage.

And if you are lucky then two persons and families will both marry

And if I talk scientifically about arranged marriage then it will be too much for my friend Jeroen
Helen Thomas
Ranch Hand

Joined: Jan 13, 2004
Posts: 1759
Originally posted by Damanjit Kaur:



Its the western media that is to be blamed. They keep showing all the time just the poverty of asian countries and nothing else.(I am unable to make out about the intentions of western media- Do they want to show pity on poor people or they want to help them by showing their miseries to the West.) Few days back I was seeing on TV5 channel a documentary about a poor man riding rickshaw in the Inner circle of Connaught Place(in New Delhi). Thruout the movie they just kept focused very closely on the foot or face of that poor man showing his misery. Now my Indian friends living in New Delhi can easily guess how old that documentary might be, because the rickshaw pullers were forbidden to ride in C.P. long time back.


Bollywood films are known to go the other extreme and create gods from mere mortals. Apparently none of the realities of living in India will be covered in a Bollywood film.

I'm not sure the same applies to Hollywood films. Hollywood seems just as remote from European perspectives, too.

But boys will model themselves on Brad Pitt (some to the extent of having plastic surgery) or in India I expect on whoever the current Bollywood film stars are.
[ January 31, 2005: Message edited by: Helen Thomas ]
Damanjit Kaur
Ranch Hand

Joined: Oct 18, 2004
Posts: 346
Helen Thomas :

Bollywood films are known to go the other extreme and create gods from mere mortals.


Ya, true.

Film Industries tend to be more for entertainment purpose. Very few Film Producers dare to show the realities because if they do so then they have to be adventurous with their money investment.

There are some Hindi movies away from glossy picture but those are hardly seen by people. because the crowd also want to get entertained rather than get caught up in the same hard realities of life which we see in our daily lives.

One of my Russian friend told me how they feel about Indian movies in Russia. They say - There are three kinds of movies : bad, good and Indian Movies.
kayal cox
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Joined: Aug 19, 2004
Posts: 376
Jeroen: My REAL surprise is that arranged marriages are apparently still widespread at all, I guess you didn't understand my maybe somewhat sarcastic response as intended


It's a system that works, I don't understand why it should not exist. Arranged marriages make it possible for the families to like each other, they establish a certain level of similarity in traditions and customs and other compatibility issues.

I don't know much stats about the success rates of arranged marriages and love marriages - but I do know this. I was totally against arranged marriage, but since I just couldn't find anybody to fall in love with, I did have an arranged marriage.

Well, you know what, its turned out to be the best thing that could have happened to me. We spent about 5 months getting friendly with each other, chatting over emails, webcams, phone calls etc. I saw him just two days before the marraige, and we got a chance to go out for dinner before marriage etc.

But during the chat, we established certain likes and dislikes that we have. We liked the same kind of food, but not the same kind of music. I realized he was was very sensitive about his parents, and so I made it a point to never say anything even mildly critical. He realized I hate guys being possesive, and so makes it a point to give me lots of freedom to go out with folks other than him.. etc, etc

On the whole, by the time we got married, we were pretty well tuned to each other's wavelength.

But for any marriage to work, arranged or otherwise, the partners need to be willing to make some sacrifices, and need to know that are loved unconditionally.
I have somehow felt that the tolerance levels in indians are generally higher, and that contributes a lot to the low number of broken families (And having an intact family would, I expect, contribute a lot to the quality of life and support that kids have)
Varun Khanna
Ranch Hand

Joined: May 30, 2002
Posts: 1400
Originally posted by kayal cox:
I have somehow felt that the tolerance levels in indians are generally higher,

Especially in Indian females.

You will rarely hear any divorce case in any Indian village whereas in metros it's rising. Guys are almost same in both the places (in terms of mentality) but it's just the tolerance level of girl making the difference.

P.S. No hard feeling against Indian males [with me being one ], just my personal opinion.
Helen Thomas
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Joined: Jan 13, 2004
Posts: 1759
Originally posted by kayal cox:


It's a system that works,


Microsoft is a system that works but a high tolerance level is required. Leaves one feeling very needy!
kayal cox
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Joined: Aug 19, 2004
Posts: 376
Helen: Microsoft is a system that works but a high tolerance level is required. Leaves one feeling very needy!


For starters, the validity of this statement is quite debatable (which is a whole new topic in itself)

And then, even if we did accept it to be a valid statement, I am not sure it is an comparable analogy at all
Helen Thomas
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Joined: Jan 13, 2004
Posts: 1759
OK then, how about weepy then instead of needy.

But you are right it's not a good analogy for marriage, arranged or otherwise.

Though weepy begins to look appropriate for the abuse suffered through M$.
[ January 31, 2005: Message edited by: Helen Thomas ]
Varun Khanna
Ranch Hand

Joined: May 30, 2002
Posts: 1400
Originally posted by Arjun Shastry:
What are the questions which should be asked so that I can guess her thinking pattern?or its impossible?

Impossible
[unless you are Mel Gibson of "what women wants"]
R K Singh
Ranch Hand

Joined: Oct 15, 2001
Posts: 5371
Originally posted by K Varun:
You will rarely hear any divorce case in any Indian village whereas in metros it's rising.


Can you provide a word in any Indian language equivalent to 'divorce'.
The only word I know is 'Talaq', but then its a Urdu word.

I think rise[if you want to say so] in divorce in metro's is more because of financial independence women have and also little credit goes to nucleus famliy trend in metros.

I think its a total different topic to discuss whether high rate of divorce is good for society or bad.
R K Singh
Ranch Hand

Joined: Oct 15, 2001
Posts: 5371
Originally posted by Arjun Shastry:
. Not in arranged marriages.You can talk twice,at the most thrice to each other.


hmm.. Arjun, I think if both are in same city then there are more meetings and more outings.

AW I think these days enough time is given to undertsand each other.
hmmm.. for some enough time could be 6 months and for some it could 10 min
Arjun Shastry
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Joined: Mar 13, 2003
Posts: 1874
Originally posted by R K Singh:

Can you provide a word in any Indian language equivalent to 'divorce'.
The only word I know is 'Talaq', but then its a Urdu word.

Marathi: Ghata-sphot
Ashok Mash
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Joined: Oct 13, 2000
Posts: 1936
Malayalam: Vivaha-mochanam


[ flickr ]
Dave Lenton
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Joined: Jan 20, 2005
Posts: 1241
Originally posted by kayal cox:
Helen: Microsoft is a system that works but a high tolerance level is required. Leaves one feeling very needy!

For starters, the validity of this statement is quite debatable (which is a whole new topic in itself)

And then, even if we did accept it to be a valid statement, I am not sure it is an comparable analogy at all


But both involve a long term service agreement that one or other of the parties would probably like to get out of at some point


... and neither come with a sensible set of logical instructions either


There will be glitches in my transition from being a saloon bar sage to a world statesman. - Tony Banks
Sudharsan Govindarajan
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Joined: Jul 03, 2002
Posts: 319
Originally posted by R K Singh:


Can you provide a word in any Indian language equivalent to 'divorce'.
The only word I know is 'Talaq', but then its a Urdu word.


Tamil: maNa vilakku, vivaaha rathu


Sudharsan
[ February 01, 2005: Message edited by: Sudharsan G'rajan ]

Joy is a radiation
Dave Lenton
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Joined: Jan 20, 2005
Posts: 1241
Originally posted by R K Singh:

I think whether its love or arrange, whatever be the case some adjustment(call it sacrifice) has to be made.

But I do agree, divorce should not be treated as taboo on anyone, Alas.. that is true here


While some western societies often make comments such as "I don't think its right that people have arranged marriages, because they don't really know each other", the traditional western (in particular christian) model is not that much better. Under this model people shouldn't live together, or even spend a night together, before they are married.

The problem with this is that until people do spend some time living together, or do become intimate with each other, there are large parts of each other's lives that they will not know. Some people are lucky, but in other cases one person will only find out certain problematic aspects of their partner's personality once they are living together.

Instead of frowning upon "living in sin", it may be better to encourage it. That way couples can get to know each other before taking the next step and declaring their relationship in a more serious way.

I totally agree with R K Singh that divorce should not be so much of a taboo. While I agree that a lot of people don't take marriage as seriously as they could, and that spouses should work hard at making a marriage successful, if they have reached a point where they realise that the marriage isn't working then divorce is an acceptable route to take.

Marriages are long term relationships, and its unreasonable to think that people will not change over the long term. The young couple that get married in their twenties are not the same people as the older couple in their fifties. If they have grown together in the same direction, then that is great. If, on the other hand, they have grown to realise that they are more different from each other, then what is so bad about them both moving on to find happiness elsewhere?

The situation may be different when there are children involved, as in this case their well being comes first. This well being does not automatically come from having both parents living together though. In some cases, if the parents really do not get on, the children may be better off seeing both parents living happily separately then living unhappily together.
Helen Thomas
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Joined: Jan 13, 2004
Posts: 1759
Dave Lenton : I totally agree with R K Singh that divorce should not be so much of a taboo. While I agree that a lot of people don't take marriage as seriously as they could, and that spouses should work hard at making a marriage successful, if they have reached a point where they realise that the marriage isn't working then divorce is an acceptable route to take.

The problem is that it is an expensive route to take for all concerned.
Lawyers might make a lot of money though, from divorce cases.
Worse when people get back together for trial reconciliations.
[ February 01, 2005: Message edited by: Helen Thomas ]
R K Singh
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Joined: Oct 15, 2001
Posts: 5371
Originally posted by Ashok Mash:
Malayalam: Vivaha-mochanam


And I was thinking where have I heard this word.

We are still where where we were .. :roll:
 
It is sorta covered in the JavaRanch Style Guide.
 
subject: Indian arranged marriages