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The moose likes Meaningless Drivel and the fly likes Corny Joke Time..... Big Moose Saloon
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Corny Joke Time.....

Eric Pascarello
author
Rancher

Joined: Nov 08, 2001
Posts: 15376
    
    6
Two guys meet up in a bar. The first one asks, "Did your hear the news - Mike is dead??!!!"

"Woah, what the hell happened to him?"

"Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."

"What a horrible way to die!"

"No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones."

"What a way to go, that's terrible!"

"No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him."

"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"

"No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him."

"Man, what a way to go!"

"No no, he survived that, he survived that! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him."

"Now that is one awful way to go!"

"No no, he survived that..."

"Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?"

"I shot him!"

"You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?"

"He was wrecking my house."
fred rosenberger
lowercase baba
Bartender

Joined: Oct 02, 2003
Posts: 11168
    
  16

Three notes walk into a bar - C, E-flat, and G.

the bartender sees them and yells "Hey you guys!!! Get out of here. We don't server Minors!!!"


There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors
Eric Pascarello
author
Rancher

Joined: Nov 08, 2001
Posts: 15376
    
    6
Ah, I will add another corny music joke!

Q: Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens?


A: Because they kept saying "Bach, Bach, Bach, Bach, Bach"


The cornier the better!
Eric
Sameer Jamal
Ranch Hand

Joined: Feb 16, 2001
Posts: 1870
A New York woman was at her East Side hairdresser getting her hair styled
prior to a trip to Rome with her boyfriend.
She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded, "Rome?
Why would anyone want to go Rome?
It's crowded and dirty and worse yet, full of Italians. You're crazy to go
to Rome."
"So, how are you getting there"?
"We're flying on Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental"? exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline.
Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they're always
late."
"So, where are you staying in Rome"?
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's left side called
Trieste..."
"Don't go any further. I know that place.
Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive.
But it's really a dump. The worst hotel in the whole city!
The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're way overpriced."
"So, whatcha doing when you get there"?
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people
trying to see him.
He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours.
You're sure going to need it."

A month later, the woman, all smiling, came in for her hair appointment.
The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.
"It was absolutely wonderful," explained the woman. "Not only did we arrive
on time in one of Continental's brand new jets,
but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class.
The food and wine were wonderful and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward
who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel.
It was fabulous! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now
it's just a jewel, the finest hotel in the city.
They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's
suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser. "I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky.
As we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and
explained that the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors and if
I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would
personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Holy Father walked through the door and
shook my hand!
I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Really"? asked the hairdresser. "What'd he say"?

He said, "Where did you get that horrible haircut"?
David O'Meara
Rancher

Joined: Mar 06, 2001
Posts: 13459

A plate of fish and chips walks into a bar. The Bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve food".
David O'Meara
Rancher

Joined: Mar 06, 2001
Posts: 13459

[slightly ruder]
How do you make a pound of fat attractive?
Stick a nipple on it.
gov kur
Ranch Hand

Joined: Aug 30, 2004
Posts: 73
Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. Breaking the ice with his new audience, Stevie asks if anyone has a request.

An wizened old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his lungs: �Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!�

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie�s varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E-minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about ten minutes.

When he finishes the whole place goes wild, but the old man jumps up again and shouts: �No, no, play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord!�

A bit peeved by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B-flat minor chord and really tears the place apart.

The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise. But the little old man jumps up again: �No, no, no! Play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord!�

Now truly peeved that this little guy doesn�t seem to appreciate his playing ability, Stevie invites him up on the stage and says: �OK -
you start us off.�

The little old man grabs the mic and starts to sing: �A jazz chord, to say I ruv you��

Sameer Jamal
Ranch Hand

Joined: Feb 16, 2001
Posts: 1870
Q. Make a sentence in which one word is repeated twice.

Ans. If Lara Dutta Marries Brian Lara, She will become Lara Lara,
Mark Spritzler
ranger
Sheriff

Joined: Feb 05, 2001
Posts: 17249
    
    6

Originally posted by fred rosenberger:
Three notes walk into a bar - C, E-flat, and G.

the bartender sees them and yells "Hey you guys!!! Get out of here. We don't server Minors!!!"


Yeah, but C is a Major scale.

Mark


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David O'Meara
Rancher

Joined: Mar 06, 2001
Posts: 13459

But it has a Bartender in it.
Jeff Albertson
Ranch Hand

Joined: Sep 16, 2005
Posts: 1780
Originally posted by Mark Spritzler:


Yeah, but C is a Major scale.

Mark


Okay, E, G and B ... :roll:
fred rosenberger
lowercase baba
Bartender

Joined: Oct 02, 2003
Posts: 11168
    
  16

but the notes C, E-flat and G form a C-minor chord.
Michael Matola
whippersnapper
Ranch Hand

Joined: Mar 25, 2001
Posts: 1746
    
    2
Direct from the Department of Overanalysis...

> but the notes C, E-flat and G form a C-minor chord.

And that's what bugs me about this joke. You say three notes walk into a bar. But a note itself can't be minor (or major, diminished, augmented, perfect, etc.); only an interval or chord (notes in combination) can be minor (et al.).

So if the notes walked into the bar individually, there wouldn't be any problem getting served, right? (And there'd be no joke.)

But it sounds really stupid to say, "A chord walks into a bar..." Then, "Um, yeah, it was made up of three notes..."

(Oh, and I don't get Mark Spriztler's point either.)
[ June 13, 2006: Message edited by: Michael Matola ]
fred rosenberger
lowercase baba
Bartender

Joined: Oct 02, 2003
Posts: 11168
    
  16

perhaps i should have said "three notes walk into a bar together..."
David O'Meara
Rancher

Joined: Mar 06, 2001
Posts: 13459

You guys could take the humour out of a rubber chicken
Paul Sturrock
Bartender

Joined: Apr 14, 2004
Posts: 10336

Any of you hear about the magic tractor?

It was driving down the road and turned into a field.
[ June 14, 2006: Message edited by: Paul Sturrock ]

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fred rosenberger
lowercase baba
Bartender

Joined: Oct 02, 2003
Posts: 11168
    
  16

Originally posted by David O'Meara:
You guys could take the humour out of a rubber chicken


did you know rubber chickens are "seasonal items"? for some reason, a few years ago, i wanted to buy one. NOBODY had any. eventually, somebody at a Spencers, they said it was only available at a certain time of the year, although i don't remember when it was...

seriously, WHEN IS rubber chicken season???
Mark Spritzler
ranger
Sheriff

Joined: Feb 05, 2001
Posts: 17249
    
    6

(Oh, and I don't get Mark Spriztler's point either.)


Yeah that guy, who's last name is close to mine makes no sense at all. But what I menat was that I assumed that he meant they were scales, because of was just thinking of major and minor scales, and not thinking about chords. which is why I got the joke, but overlooked why it works or doesn't.

There's always room for rubber chickens.

Mark
Mark Spritzler
ranger
Sheriff

Joined: Feb 05, 2001
Posts: 17249
    
    6

A Rope goes into a bar and orders a drink.

The Bartender goes, "We don't serve ropes here"

So the rope goes home, ties its ends in to a know and frays it ends.

The rope goes back into the bar and orders a drink.

The Bartender says, "Aren't you that rope that was in here just 5 minutes ago"

The rope goes, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot"

Mark
Mark Spritzler
ranger
Sheriff

Joined: Feb 05, 2001
Posts: 17249
    
    6

A Horse goes into a bar and the bartender says, "Why the long face"

Celine Dion goes into a bar and the bartender says, "Why the long face"

Mark
Mark Spritzler
ranger
Sheriff

Joined: Feb 05, 2001
Posts: 17249
    
    6

Two atoms are walking down the street. One atom says to the other "I think I just lost an Electron", the other goes, "Are you sure?", so the first says, "Yep, I'm positive"

Mark
Deepak Bala
Bartender

Joined: Feb 24, 2006
Posts: 6661
    
    5

Two atoms are walking down the street. One atom says to the other "I think I just lost an Electron", the other goes, "Are you sure?", so the first says, "Yep, I'm positive"

A plate of fish and chips walks into a bar. The Bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve food".


I love those two ! hahaha.

What do you call a pig that does karate?
A pork chop.

Customer: There is a twig in my soup !
Waiter: Let me get the branch manager sir.


Customer: Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?
Waiter: I think it's the backstroke, sir.


And look at these ! hahahaha












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Michael Matola
whippersnapper
Ranch Hand

Joined: Mar 25, 2001
Posts: 1746
    
    2
MS: Yeah that guy, who's last name is close to mine

Hey, that's my first spelling error of 2006. June 13 isn't too shabby.

(It's "whose.")

Cp Baherwani
Ranch Hand

Joined: May 13, 2005
Posts: 41
MS: But what I menat was

I learnt a lesson. You should spell check your message when picking on someone's spell mistakes/typos
Stan James
(instanceof Sidekick)
Ranch Hand

Joined: Jan 29, 2003
Posts: 8791
An oldie (funny in 1910 or so) that I repeat with no provocation:

Heisenberg was stopped for speeding. The cop said "Do you know how fast you were going?" Heisenberg said "No, but I know exactly where I am!"


A good question is never answered. It is not a bolt to be tightened into place but a seed to be planted and to bear more seed toward the hope of greening the landscape of the idea. John Ciardi
Mark Spritzler
ranger
Sheriff

Joined: Feb 05, 2001
Posts: 17249
    
    6

Originally posted by Chandra Prakash Baherwani:

I learnt a lesson. You should spell check your message when picking on someone's spell mistakes/typos


No not really, I don't care or mind spelling errors, it happens all the time when you type fast. But when you can still dig on people that spell your name incorrectly. Especially, when you have a different last name that is easy to get wrong, like mine. I always tell people to think of a Wine Spritzer but with an L.

Mark
Jim Yingst
Wanderer
Sheriff

Joined: Jan 30, 2000
Posts: 18671
Sorry - you'll always be thought of as Mark Twizzler to me.


"I'm not back." - Bill Harding, Twister
Michael Matola
whippersnapper
Ranch Hand

Joined: Mar 25, 2001
Posts: 1746
    
    2
Especially, when you have a different last name that is easy to get wrong, like mine.

Me to. I often get "Natola" instead of "Matola." Or far more than necessary quantities of Ts or Ls. Or "Mottola" (OMG, RU like rel8ted to Tommy???LOL!!1111!)

The most bizarre was "Tctoleh."

I always tell people to think of a Wine Spritzer but with an L.

Winel Spritzer?
Bridget Kennedy
Ranch Hand

Joined: Nov 30, 2004
Posts: 84
Did you hear the one about the agnostic dyslexic with insomnia?

He lies awake at night wondering if there really is a dog.
 
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subject: Corny Joke Time.....
 
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