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arrange vs love marriage

ankur rathi
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Joined: Oct 11, 2004
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Please share your experience...

I don't have any...
trupti nigam
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What a boaring topic!
One thing is common, after 6/7 years it does not matter if it's an arranged marriage or love marriage. :-)
Both have the same result at the end. Everybody cries that "before marriage were the golden old days!"
agrah upadhyay
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Posted by TruptiEverybody cries that "before marriage were the golden old days!"

I wont!
ankur rathi
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Originally posted by trupti nigam:
What a boaring topic!
One thing is common, after 6/7 years it does not matter if it's an arranged marriage or love marriage. :-)
Both have the same result at the end. Everybody cries that "before marriage were the golden old days!"


Might be, something else is boring...

Okay, tell me about initial 6-7 years, what is the difference???
Ashok Mash
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Joined: Oct 13, 2000
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Parents emotionally blackmailing their son or daughter to marry someone that they like, irrespective of what their son or daughter want is one social evil that has overstayed its welcome by about a centaury! It should be a punishable crime!


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trupti nigam
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Joined: Jun 21, 2001
Posts: 613
Get married first. You will find the answer!

Originally posted by rathi ji:


Might be, something else is boring...

Okay, tell me about initial 6-7 years, what is the difference???
agrah upadhyay
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Joined: Sep 01, 2005
Posts: 579
Posted by Trupti
Get married first. You will find the answer!

No,U tell us!!
ankur rathi
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Joined: Oct 11, 2004
Posts: 3830
Originally posted by Ashok Mash:
Parents emotionally blackmailing their son or daughter to marry someone that they like, irrespective of what their son or daughter want is one social evil that has overstayed its welcome by about a centaury! It should be a punishable crime!


Just want to make a point. What a 20-25 years old boy look into a girl???
... and the vice-versa. So isn't it better, parents take this decision.


[ August 31, 2006: Message edited by: rathi ji ]
Ashok Mash
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Originally posted by rathi ji:
Just want to make a point. What a 20-25 years old boy look into a girl??? ... and the vice-versa. So isn't it better, parents take this decision.


To be honest, that is one of the fundamental and wrong school of thought that keeps such a horrible system still in place. A 20 or 25 year old, by all means, are well and truely grown up and is capable of making educated, rational and successful decisions, about themselves and others. You have twenty somethings out there driving very powerful machines on our roads, voting to decide who should rule the country etc, clearly shows they are not immature, or someone who needs looking after.

Select a partner for life should be as practical as possible, which seems to be the main argument behind "horoscopes" and detailed family history etc - and yet, how could that logic somehow ignore the simple fact that everyone is an individual, and has their own likes and dislikes?!

Another related point here is that, while the way Indian families stay close etc is great and all, at certain level, they do not give the young people a fair chance to develop their own individuality, own personality - Indian families overprotect their children until they are well into their twenties, and then natuarally, you can expect them to thik, 'Oh, I don't know whom I want to marry. Well, what will I do with someone of the opposite sex anyway!?, Oh, I will ask my mammy!'.

I am sorry if I sound like a rant - but I am at the recieving end of the 'horroscope/family/religion/caste/region/qualification/status' demands, and it hurts that no one cares what I really like (honesty and compassion to state a few!).
Gerald Davis
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Arranged marrage, I don't think much of it. Do you know that 1 in 7 of all arranged marrages end in a divorce
Deepak Bala
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Joined: Feb 24, 2006
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    5

Do you know that 1 in 7 of all arranged marrages end in a divorce


Where did you get that figure and what is the figure for marriages that spawn out of love ? Also... why is divorce a bad thing ? If you were a girl and your husband was a wife beater is it wrong to divorce your husband ?

Yes i agree with the point that people automatically start saying "Do you want to get married ? when are you getting married ? bla bla bla" when you are around 25. People should be allowed to decide if they want an arranged marriage, a love marriage or if they want a marriage at all. I wonder when the time will come when people stop saying " Lets get him married to some one, that should solve all the problems"


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Jayesh Lalwani
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Originally posted by rathi ji:


Just want to make a point. What a 20-25 years old boy look into a girl???
... and the vice-versa. So isn't it better, parents take this decision.



[ August 31, 2006: Message edited by: rathi ji ]


But, considering that in this generation of Indians, many middle-class boys/girls are much more educated than middle-class parents, is it possible for parents to have a meaningful discussion with the girls? Won't the boy and girl understand each other better because they share the same backgrounds?
Jeroen T Wenting
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Joined: Apr 21, 2006
Posts: 1847
arranged marriage is a disgrace to both partners.
Either both are effectively sold (which is illegal as it's slavery) or one is sold to the family of the other for money or favors (which is slavery).
It should be (and in many countries I think is) illegal (but rather hard to prove of course, except in extreme cases of 5 year old kids being married off to 60 year old partners).


42
Deepak Bala
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    5

Arranged marriages dont always involve money and the partners are not always sold out. I think it all boils down to the partners understanding each other and reaching an equilibrium, be it an arranged marriage or a love marriage. Of course marriages that are forced upon people are plain unacceptable.
Aj Mathia
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Ignorance is bliss,
Demonstrating it is hilarious though.
:roll:


You think you know me .... You will never know me ... You know only what I let you know ... You are just a puppet ... --CMG
Aj Mathia
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Joined: Apr 11, 2003
Posts: 478
Originally posted by rathi ji:
Please share your experience...

I don't have any...


Arranged or love
rather self arranged or parent/relative arranged
both lead to marriage.
How you handle it after that is up to you.
I feel your question should be �Please share your experience after marriage� or �Can I know what�s happening in your married life� or a similar personal question.
Eric Pascarello
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    6
(Isn't this what all your movies are about?)

Eric
Aj Mathia
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Posts: 478
Originally posted by Eric Pascarello:
(Isn't this what all your movies are about?)

Eric


Ouch
Manish Hatwalne
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Joined: Sep 22, 2001
Posts: 2581

Originally posted by Ajay Mathew:
Ignorance is bliss,
Demonstrating it is hilarious though.
:roll:


You bet!!! )
Funny & ayt times annoying to see prejudices & conclusions/statements coming from them despite repeated education on Inida, its culture and all that. Maybe I should start blog on that.....

Nevertheless, I had to give this link ---
http://www.coderanch.com/t/41260/md/Indian-arranged-marriages

Please read...

- Manish
Karthik Guru
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Joined: Mar 06, 2001
Posts: 1209
Originally posted by Manish Hatwalne:


You bet!!! )
Funny & ayt times annoying to see prejudices & conclusions/statements coming from them despite repeated education on Inida, its culture and all that.

- Manish


Oh yeah! That reminds me of 'discovery channel' doing a feature on Kerala proclaiming, "Elephants are very important to the Indian people".
R K Singh
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Joined: Oct 15, 2001
Posts: 5371
Originally posted by John Meyers:
Yes i agree with the point that people automatically start saying "Do you want to get married ? when are you getting married ? bla bla bla" when you are around 25.


So you also have social pressure


"Thanks to Indian media who has over the period of time swiped out intellectual taste from mass Indian population." - Chetan Parekh
Sandeep Ghosh
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Joined: Jan 23, 2002
Posts: 145
Arrange marriage. Yehi he right choice baby (this is right choice) at least in Indian context. We south Asians can�t mix with our prospective partner in a free manner. Our dating normally happened for few hours in some weekend in some corner of a restaurant. During that few hours we act like a perfect partner. Rest of the week we day dream and build a fantasy world where everything is perfect. Once we marry we find that our fantasy world is coming crashing down. We don�t get parental support and we started thinking other partner is hypocrite and all the problem start coming up. In arrange marriage you don�t have a fantasy world hence no chance of crashing down.
In the worst case scenario, you can always put the blame on the person who arranged it. They will be glad to arrange another marriage for you, just to prove they are not wrong every time.
Rajah Nagur
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Posts: 239
Love Marriage

* Resembles procedural programming language. We have some set of functions like flirting, going to movies together, making long conversations on phone and then try to fit all functions to the candidate we like.
* Family system hangs because hardware (called Parents) is not responding.
* You are the project leader so �U� are responsible for implementation and execution of PROJECT- married life.
* Client expectations include exciting feature as spouse cooking food, washing clothes etc.
* Love Marriage is like Windows, beautiful n seductive�. Yet one never knows when it will crash�.


Arranged Marriage

* Similar to object oriented programming approach. We first fix the candidate and then try to implement functions on her. The functions are added to supplement the main program. The functions can be added or deleted.
* Compatible with hardware( Parents).
* You are a team member under project leader (parents) so they are responsible for successful execution of project Married life.
* All these features are covered in the SRS (System Req. Specification) as required features.
* Arranged Marriage is like Unix �. boring n colorless� still extremely reliable n robust.


You can't wake a person who is <b><i>pretending</i></b> to be asleep.<br />Like what <b>"it"</b> does not like - <i> Gurdjieff </i>
richa shah
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Posts: 30
I dont have "experience" as such but i did meet a couple of guys for arrange marriage ! But i couldnt decide in 1 meeting whether i wanted to "go ahead" or not ! I mean all the guys I met where educated , ambitious..but there's got to be more than that to get married to him right ?
Gerald Davis
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Joined: May 15, 2002
Posts: 872
How does Functiona Programming Methodoloy come into it. Lisp programming language is the main language of Functional programming methodoloy.

I still have my doubts about OOP methodology. Wasn't Linux written using C.
I still love the way you explained it though.
[ September 01, 2006: Message edited by: Gerald Davis ]
Dave Lenton
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Posts: 1241
I am uncomfortable with the idea of arranged marriage because of the way it appears to focus upon status, education and class rather then love. Its almost as if the aim is to find a good business partner rather then someone to be happy with.

The idea that a couple could be blocked from getting married because of disapproving parents is also a pretty unpleasant one for me, and is exactly what happened to a couple I know. The girl's family come from Pakistan and her boyfriend is English. Despite being in a committed and stable relationship with each other, her parents declared him not to be a fitting match, and they broke up. It was very sad to see a couple who are in love with each other do this.

My opinion on this is most likely biased due to the fact that in eleven days time I will be getting married. I am lucky in that my parents like my wife-to-be and her parents like me. This doesn't change anything though - even if our parents did not approve of the wedding it would still go ahead. The most important thing to us is that we know we are good matches for each other and we will not let anything get in the way of getting married to each other.

The reason we are good matches for each other is that we had the freedom to choose each other. We got to know each other, moved in together and have spent several years finding out just how well we can form a long lasting partnership. I now feel totally comfortable going into the marriage in the knowledge that I have found someone I will be happy with and that we will form a good team together. I really doubt that a person chosen for me because of their status or wealth, and through a brief series of interviews given by my parents, could be someone I would be as happy with.

I'm not saying that my parents would choose someone bad for me, but how could any person possibly understand enough about what will make another person happy? We are all so different, and because of this surely the choice of a life partner must be a deeply personal one?


There will be glitches in my transition from being a saloon bar sage to a world statesman. - Tony Banks
Rajah Nagur
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Congrats Dave Lenton (in advance). Wish you a very Happy Married Life.

After all, Man cannot be always happy, he has to get married some time

btw, regarding the debate between Love and Arranged stuff--one thing I can tell you that the track record of Love marriage in India is not good.
It usually ends up in the boy eloping with the girl and the girl's parents hunting down the guy. So totally it will be a chaotic situation

In Indian tradition, marriage holds very very significant part. It has lot of rituals and poojas and appeasing many Gods. Lot of factors will be taken in account - horoscope, background of the families and castes.

There is quite a history behind this ..check this link

just my thoughts...
Ashok Mash
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Excellent post Dave, I couldn't agree more with you, and you have put it very elegantly too! The Pakistani girl�s case is being repeated all around the world with a lot of families with South East Asian origin � I am on the same situation myself, and hence the frustration and rants in previous posts.

Congratulations in advance on getting married! Delighted for you!
ankur rathi
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Joined: Oct 11, 2004
Posts: 3830
Originally posted by richa shah:
I dont have "experience" as such but i did meet a couple of guys for arrange marriage ! But i couldnt decide in 1 meeting whether i wanted to "go ahead" or not ! I mean all the guys I met where educated , ambitious..but there's got to be more than that to get married to him right ?


What extra do you need???
:roll:
Ashok Mash
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Posts: 1936
Originally posted by Rajah Nagur:
[QB]..one thing I can tell you that the track record of Love marriage in India is not good. It usually ends up in the boy eloping with the girl and the girl's parents hunting down the guy. So totally it will be a chaotic situation


Exactly, and it doesn't have to be that way! Its like the caste system - just because its there is not good enough a reason to justify it! The society as a whole should be more acceptable to the idea that a man or woman is free to chose what they want to do with their life, including selecting their partner, and parents should help with the right kind of advice and guidance and they should be happy knowing that the person is happy doing what he or she is doing!

PS: I just realized that the 'arranged marriage' is an extension of the caste system! Well, puttin it that way helps my side of the argument anyway!
Rajah Nagur
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Originally posted by Ashok Mash:


Exactly, and it doesn't have to be that way! Its like the caste system - just because its there is not good enough a reason to justify it! The society as a whole should be more acceptable to the idea that a man or woman is free to chose what they want to do with their life....


..the so called society is made of people..it is the people mind set that needs to be changed...I have seen many successfull love marriages in the same society as well as killings...It all depends on the education and open mindedness...You should also try to think by stepping in your parents shoes.
Do you agree or feel great suppose if your daughter/sister falls in love with say a truck driver?..Love alone cannot help..moreover the word love is abused a lot..this teenage love is more of kind of infatuation..and less of understanding...greatly influenced by stories and movies..
It would be very difficult in the long run for a hindu guy leading life with say moslem or christian girl..somebody has to compromise...the rosy days will be over very soon and reality starts biting.

Think before questioning the age old traditions of arranged marriage (the system is approx 5000 years old)
Love marriage is good..but arranged marriage usually works..(at least in eastern countries)

just my thougths..
Bo Yyempeti
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Joined: Feb 22, 2006
Posts: 111
Originally posted by Ashok Mash:
[QB]Parents emotionally blackmailing their son or daughter to marry someone that they like, irrespective of what their son or daughter want is one social evil that has overstayed its welcome by about a centaury! [QB]


Marriage as an institution has over-stayed its welcome by about a century - arranged or otherwise
R K Singh
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Posts: 5371
Originally posted by Dave Lenton:
The reason we are good matches for each other is that we had the freedom to choose each other. We got to know each other, moved in together and have spent several years finding out just how well we can form a long lasting partnership.


I think long back someone asked question here, how can someone ask for divorce after choosing his/her own partner?

AW currently I do not want to indulge in divorce.

For Dave:
You belong to different society, you can not foresee the negatives of love marriage from there.

For Ashok:
You are daring enough to take care of your wife when she is pregnant and about to deliver, go for love marriage.

I had to bring this society point here.
How much I understand, in India no one would worry or discuss why someone of age 30 is still livinng with his parents.

Arrange is good or love? I cant say anything.

But surely I would support Trupti.
In the end, it is just plane old marriage.
Dave Lenton
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Joined: Jan 20, 2005
Posts: 1241
Originally posted by Rajah Nagur:
Congrats Dave Lenton (in advance). Wish you a very Happy Married Life.
Originally posted by Ashok Mash:
Congratulations in advance on getting married! Delighted for you!
Cheers!

Originally posted by Rajah Nagur:
Do you agree or feel great suppose if your daughter/sister falls in love with say a truck driver?
Why should that be a problem? Would being a truck driver make a man less good as a husband? Would it make him less likely to love his wife?
It would be very difficult in the long run for a hindu guy leading life with say moslem or christian girl..somebody has to compromise
I agree that a difference in religion can cause complications, but it doesn't have to be bad. I have very different religious views to my girlfriend, and there are certain areas where we disagree. As you said above, compromise is important, and to get around our differences we have compromised on some issues. There's nothing wrong with that though - all good teams will involve compromises between their members.

I know that there will be issues in the future which may well be tricky for us to compromise on, but I'm confident that we will find a way to do so as long as we both respect each other's view. This will not be easy, but it'll be worth it!

Think before questioning the age old traditions of arranged marriage (the system is approx 5000 years old)
Tradition can be a wonderful thing, but on the other hand being an old idea doesn't always imply that its a good idea. Its kind of like the bandwagon fallacy - just because all those people in the past have done it doesn't mean that we should copy them. Certainly we should assess their reasons for doing so (as there may well be good ones), but we should also think about if the old traditions are still relevant in the context of modern culture and morality.
[ September 01, 2006: Message edited by: Dave Lenton ]
Frank Silbermann
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Posts: 1390
The trouble with love marriages is that years later people sometimes no longer feel in love and they divorce to the detriment of their children. They might not do that if they never expected to be in love to begin with. Also, with arranged marriages it's the families which are marrying, to an extent -- which adds to the commitment of extended family to help with emergencies.

I think horror stories can result no matter who chooses. Maybe one day we'll be able to have computers do a better job in matching people up.
R K Singh
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Posts: 5371
Originally posted by Ashok Mash:
PS: I just realized that the 'arranged marriage' is an extension of the caste system! Well, puttin it that way helps my side of the argument anyway!


Sometimes, I want to scream that if someone says caste system at present is bad it does not mean that it is really bad.

I was watching a series in NGC, where they were showing a village in South Africa, where inhabitants like eating monkey's meat.

And then there were groups who were opposing it. For them eating pork/cow/chicken/lamb etc is OK but eating monkey is not.
NOTE: Monkeys are not about to extinct.

My whole point is that, if something is not good for someone, it does not mean that it is not good for everyone.

What is the relation between arrange marriage and caste, is very much debatable also.
My family is orthodox and I tell you, it wont approve love marriage even in the same caste.

Not against love marriage but also not against arrange.
R K Singh
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Joined: Oct 15, 2001
Posts: 5371
Originally posted by Dave Lenton:
Why should that be a problem? Would being a truck driver make a man less good as a husband? Would it make him less likely to love his wife?


hmm.. thats why I was suggesting, one cant understand from so far what is going on here.

Life does not run on love.

The people whom you are interacting here on JR, I think they represent upper/middle class of India.
And truck drivers come under lower class (NOT caste, but economic class).

There is huge change in life style of these classes.
She wont be able to adjust for sure.

AW movies are there in which heroine marries driver, but I think it is good for movies only.
Ashok Mash
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Posts: 1936
Rajah and Ravish, let me answer the 'Truck Driver' scenario. In Rajah's comment, I am assuming that he used 'Truck Driver' as an example to show the extremely different situation and lifestyle, and how parents wouldn't be happy to learn their daughter has 'fallen in love' with a Truck Driver. Of course, Truck Drivers in the first world are ordinary people like everyone else, and are not below any other 'class' and are far from the typical 'Truck Driver' image in India - unwashed, uncivilized, often drunk and more often HIV positive.

However, before we compare an extreme scenario, can I ask you to take a second and understand how a �non-arranged-marriage� is supposed to work? A typical �boy meets girl, falls in love and elopes because parents would kill them� is a typical bollywood script and its just that. While I agree that probably is what�s going on in India too! Again the problem here is with the society not giving the young couple a chance to understand each other. Love at first sight is probably not the best mindset to decide a partner for life. A young couple in love should be given a chance to know each other better, figure out each other for themselves, and sooner than later, they would either hate each other or start liking each other better. Which then should lead them to take a sensible decision of to get married or to move on etc. If you apply this to your truck driver scenario, you will see who is wrong there � yes, the Indian mentality, which doesn�t allow �the daughter� to have the freedom to see, understand and decide if she really want to live with the guy or not. Trying to tell her that he is not good for her, when she sees him as an exotic, forbidden fruit is just isn�t going to work � common sense!
Rajah Nagur
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Posts: 239
What can I tell - Everybody is/feels correct from their perspective.
They feel so because they have seen life in a different situations.

But don't be blinded by love and try not to learn the hard way. I think the girl/boy is not worth if she takes away you from your parents/siblings the day she enters your life.

Imagine, if the marriage ifself starts with rejection/pain/fear/sadness/disapproval etc be it from parents/neighbours/friends then it would be difficult to lead a peaceful/respectful life, its not worth it.
Satish Chilukuri
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Joined: Jun 23, 2005
Posts: 266
Originally posted by Rajah Nagur:


Love marriage is good..but arranged marriage usually works..(at least in eastern countries)

just my thougths..


Yes arranged marriages work here. But is it always a good thing? What if after the marriage, the partners find out that they don't really like each other, or worse, can't even stand each other's presence? They can't split up, because the society will hang them (not literally, figuratively) for that. So they just live toghether for the sake of society and lead a life of frusrtation.

We talk about how bad it will be for children if the parents get divorced, but what about kids living in a house where the parents don't like each other and are constantly quarelling? Will they grow up any better?

Maybe divorces are more in love marriages because the persons invovled may have already chosen to ignore the society while marrying and can do so again if they think they can't live toghether anymore.

I think the best way is to take a middle ground. Spend sometime understanding the person you want to marry. Arranged marriages happen way too fast for that. Ask yourself if you can live with that person for the rest of your life. This is were love marriagas tend to fail. Attraction clouds judgement.
 
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subject: arrange vs love marriage