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church bulletin - a couple of good laughs

paul wheaton
Trailboss

Joined: Dec 14, 1998
Posts: 20484
    ∞

(shamelessly stolen from my e-mail)

Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:


The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

---------------------------------------------------------------

The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water."
The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

---------------------------------------------------------------

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

----------------------------------------------------------------

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

----------------------------------------------------------------

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.

Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

---------------------------------------------------------------

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

----------------------------------------------------------------

Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again,"
giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

----------------------------------------------------------------

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

----------------------------------------------------------------

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

---------------------------------------------------------------

The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."

----------------------------------------------------------

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church.
So ends a friendship that began in their school days!

----------------------------------------------------------------

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
Music will follow.

---------------------------------------------------------------

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

----------------------------------------------------------------

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

----------------------------------------------------------------

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

----------------------------------------------------------------

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

----------------------------------------------------------------

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

---------------------------------------------------------------

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

----------------------------------------------------------------

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park
across from the Church.
Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

---------------------------------------------------------------

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.

----------------------------------------------------------------

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

--------------------------------------------

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM.
Please use the back door.
------------------------------------------------------------------

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement Friday at 7 PM.
The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

---------------------------------------------------------------

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.

---------------------------------------------------------------

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours"


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fred rosenberger
lowercase baba
Bartender

Joined: Oct 02, 2003
Posts: 11149
    
  16

I went to a wedding a few weeks ago. On the marquee in front of the church, it proudly proclaimed "Divorce Counseling Wednesday Night".

i just thought it would have been nice if they would have waited until AFTER the wedding to put that up


There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors
John Smith
Ranch Hand

Joined: Oct 08, 2001
Posts: 2937
Here are a few pearls:





 
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