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Diet Hacks

David O'Meara
Rancher

Joined: Mar 06, 2001
Posts: 13459

I've been going through a change of diet due to skewed cholesterol readings, but it started me thinking about something else:

Say you wanted to reduce your own reading on the scales. Nothing to do with helium balloons or hanging from a rope, purely self-improvement, although possibly fooling yourself.

Taking off all your clothes/jewelry and taking a big toilet break is obvious, but what else would you try (keeping in mind your GP would probably slap you at the suggestion). How much would shaving all of your hair get you? Arms legs etc included? Dehydration is probably a bad idea. Enema? Amputation is again too extreme unless you can get the part reattached.
v ray
Ranch Hand

Joined: Mar 15, 2007
Posts: 223
Garlic? ha ha! Take a garlic bath ( or a garland like kraemer on seinfeld!)...
Anyway, why not just use some cholesterol lowering medicine?
OTC i think you get niacin or something which helps a little. Plus plain old early morning cardio works.
David O'Meara
Rancher

Joined: Mar 06, 2001
Posts: 13459

I get four months to clean up my act. To be honest there is nothing evil in my diet, skewed cholesterol seems to run in the family, sadly. I prefer to avoid medication as it would then be something I'm stuck with.
Anupam Sinha
Ranch Hand

Joined: Apr 13, 2003
Posts: 1088
Why would you want a false lower reading to start with. I would suggest the good old way. Wake up early go for a jog or try Yoga. Even better you can try both.
Jim Yingst
Wanderer
Sheriff

Joined: Jan 30, 2000
Posts: 18671
[DOM]: Amputation is again too extreme unless you can get the part reattached.

I would say, even if you can get the part reattached. But maybe that's just me.

You could always fill your lungs with helium. Depending how long you can hold your breath for.


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Paul Sturrock
Bartender

Joined: Apr 14, 2004
Posts: 10336

What about giving as much blood as you can tolerate? A litre of blood will be roughly equal to a kilo won't it? I don't know how much blood you can loose without needing transfusion - is two pints beyond a human's capabilities?


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marc weber
Sheriff

Joined: Aug 31, 2004
Posts: 11343

Originally posted by Anupam Sinha:
...Wake up early go for a jog or try Yoga. Even better you can try both.

That's the way to go. You will be healthier, and you will feel it (physically and otherwise).


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Sheriff

Joined: Aug 26, 2000
Posts: 10065
How about circumcision?


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v ray
Ranch Hand

Joined: Mar 15, 2007
Posts: 223
Originally posted by Mapraputa Is:
How about circumcision?


Not sure if he wants to lose fat and look lean there bwahaha
Barry Gaunt
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Joined: Aug 03, 2002
Posts: 7729
Beans to warm your heart, the more you eat the more you fart. Jet propulsion (in the right vertical takeoff direction) can help you "lose" weight.


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Jim Yingst
Wanderer
Sheriff

Joined: Jan 30, 2000
Posts: 18671
DOM, perhaps you can arrange to mount a powerful electromagnet above the doctor's office, then carry as much iron as you can conceal on your person. You will of course want to carefully analyze the strength of the forces beforehand, lest you overdo it. You may also need to activate the electromagnet just after stepping onto the scale, to use your weight to keep the scale from flying upwards. Of course that effect will end up adding to your weight, so again, analyze the forces carefully beforehand.
Barry Gaunt
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Joined: Aug 03, 2002
Posts: 7729
Jim said:
perhaps you can arrange to mount a powerful electromagnet above the doctor's office


Or to be more "natural", use a black hole instead of an energy consuming magnet.
Ryan McGuire
Ranch Hand

Joined: Feb 18, 2005
Posts: 988
    
    1
If you're trying to make your doctor THINK you lost weight, there are ways to cheat the scales.

Assuming it's one of those balance scales with the balance arm at about chest level (depending on how tall you are), you could just un-adjust the scales when the doc isn't look and hope he doesn't readjust them before weighing you. Let's see... you want the pointer to go down. That means you should adjust the weight more toward the pointer end.

One trick that I've seen used for high school wrestling is to stand on the scale platform with your feet pretty far back and to tilt back a little so that your weight is on your heels instead of the arches of your feet. Depending on the scales, you can lose up to twenty pounds like this. The tricky part is staying steady enough so that the weight reading doesn't fluctuate wildly.

Then again, you could just eat right.
David O'Meara
Rancher

Joined: Mar 06, 2001
Posts: 13459

Not fooling the doctor, fooling yourself
But meddling with the scales is a good one!
Deepak Bala
Bartender

Joined: Feb 24, 2006
Posts: 6657
    
    5

May be you could hire magneto from X Men instead of using a electro magnet or black hole. You can then substitute the metal diet with spinach. Its rich in iron so it should work out all right.


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Sheriff

Joined: Aug 26, 2000
Posts: 10065
Since my circumcision idea wasn't terribly popular, I revoke it and suggest appendectomy instead.
Amit Batra
Ranch Hand

Joined: Mar 04, 2006
Posts: 361
Wear less makeup if youre a chic or less jewellery if youre a bloke. Or if youre one of those metrosexual ones then both.
Hey Whaddya know thats a rhymer.

If youre particularly adventurous and aren't afraid of flesh wounds, you can attach an elongated hollow tube to your vacuum cleaner and do youre self some lipo suction. Doing it at home will help calm your anxiety about it. Ditto for circumcision and appendectomy.

hth
Ashok Mash
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Joined: Oct 13, 2000
Posts: 1936
Red Bull! And keep flapping!!


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Jesus Angeles
Ranch Hand

Joined: Feb 26, 2005
Posts: 2046
Has anyone advised already, shaving armpits?

Anyway, I hope you become a Loser!

As for me, Ill go get some non-diet stuff, sorry.
 
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