Jokes in English

Dear Ranchers!

I would like to ask you for some "funny" help.
My English teacher gave me a homework - I have to find an English joke.
I know that there is a lot of this stuff in the internet but I want to have short and unique one

I know that other people will look for this joke in the internet - websites.
Do you know any funny and short english joke?

Thanks for help!

When you say "an English joke" does that mean "a joke in the English language" or "a joke from the country England"?

Some might say "Gordon Brown" if it's the latter...

When you say "an English joke" does that mean "a joke in the English language" or "a joke from the country England"?

If its the first one, then you can use a joke in your native language, and translate it into English (Warning: the joke might not be funny after translation, you might end up making a Poor Joke (PJ) which might reduce your marks

)

A lot of "English" jokes (about the folks living in England) have a lot of side cultural references. Here is a classic one liner:

q: why to the Brits like warm beer
a: Lucas refrigerators

To think this makes any sense, you have to know that british cars in the 60s through 80s had Lucas Electrics electrical systems (radios, wiring, ignition, etc.) which were famous for failing. They would usually only fail when it really hurt, like the windshield wiper motor failing in the middle of the night in a rainstorm.

Sports car fans used to make lots of jokes about "Lucas, prince of Darkness" because Lucas headlights would go out at bad times.

So the Lucas refrigerators means that they never run, so beer is warm, so the Brits learned to like it that way.

The reality is that Brits have liked warm beer since before electricity was invented.

Thank you. I think about jokes with english sense of humor. Something like the above post - but it is hard to understand without explanation. Any other ideas?

knock knock!

No offense to anyone, but aren't Brits notorious for their lack of humor? I mean stiff upper lip and everything?

but aren't Brits notorious for their lack of humor?

I don't think so. I have seen some hilarious comedy programs while I was in Britain.

What has four wheels and flies?

A garbage truck

Bert Bates wrote:What has four wheels and flies?

A garbage truck

Garbage truck doesn't fly.

ankur rathi wrote:

Bert Bates wrote:What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck

Garbage truck doesn't fly.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pun

I found that:
What's the biggest ant in the world?
Eleph-ant!

At the level of the garbage truck and elephant jokes, I can recall a few we told when I was a wee lad:

Q: Why can't a bicycle stand up by itself?
A: Because it's two tired!

Q: Why did the traffic light turn red?
A: You would too if you had to change in front of all those people!

I believe that technically, these are riddles, and not jokes:

q: What's brown and sticky?
a: A stick.

q: What is big, red, and eats rocks?
a: A big red rock-eater

Supposedly a study was done to find out the funniest joke in the english language, and it went something like this:

A 911 operator got a phone call from a man in a panic. "You have to help me!" he said. "My friend and I were out hunting. He tripped, hit his head as he fell, and now I think he might be dead.".

The operator, trying to calm the hunter down, said "Ok. Try not to panic. The first thing you need to do is make sure he is dead before we do anything else".

The hunter said "Ok...hang on a second...", and then the operator hears BLAM!!! as a shotgun is fired.

The hunter comes back and say "Ok, now what?"

riddles are not technical but logical/imaginary one..

fred rosenberger wrote:
q: What's brown and sticky?
a: A stick.

My son loves this one!

Ernest Friedman-Hill wrote:

fred rosenberger wrote:
q: What's brown and sticky?
a: A stick.

My son loves this one!

One of the dictionary meaning of 'stick' is 'A small thin branch of a tree'. and tree branch is mostly brown. So in that way the answer is stick. Is this proper understanding?

One PJ from me,

Teacher : 'I am beautiful.' Tell me the tense of this statement ,students?
Student : Past Tense.

Vishal Pandya wrote:

Ernest Friedman-Hill wrote:

fred rosenberger wrote:
q: What's brown and sticky?
a: A stick.

My son loves this one!

One of the dictionary meaning of 'stick' is 'A small thin branch of a tree'. and tree branch is mostly brown. So in that way the answer is stick. Is this proper understanding?

Yes. Children, especially, will add "-y" to an English noun X to create an adjective meaning "X-like" or "full of X". So "sticky", according to this rule, means "like a stick". And of course a stick is pretty much exactly like a stick

Of jokes and riddles targeted at children, I like:

Q. What did the 0 say to the 8?
A. Hey, nice belt!

Q. What goes step, step, step, step, step, step, step, splosh?
A. An octopus wearing one sneaker.

Q. What goes ha, ha, ha, thump?
A. A man laughing his head off.

and also the interrupting cow knock knock joke.

Man, to doctor: Doctor, when I do this it makes my head hurt.

Doctor: Then don't do that.

(Although I suspect this may already be a joke in your native language.)

Maneesh Godbole wrote:

ankur rathi wrote:

Bert Bates wrote:What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck

Garbage truck doesn't fly.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pun

Got it. Thanks.

Lucas Smith wrote:My English teacher gave me a homework - I have to find an English joke.

Here's one that's more relevant than ever now that Oracle is buying Sun:

Q: What's the difference between Larry Ellison and god?
A: God doesn't think he's Larry Ellison!

Whoever rules in high places lets pray for the best for Java.

An Englishmen was reading a book on the Mt. Everest..

BBC reavhed there with a helicopter and asked : "Gentleman, What are you doing ? "

" Higher Studies !" he replied

An Englishmen was reading a book on the Mt. Everest..

Nice joke there.

the sign said "Beware the camel spits", and he was.
(be where)

ohh!

Lucas Smith wrote:I found that:
What's the biggest ant in the world?
Eleph-ant!

Too good

Ernest Friedman-Hill wrote:At the level of the garbage truck and elephant jokes, I can recall a few we told when I was a wee lad:

Q: Why can't a bicycle stand up by itself?
A: Because it's two tired!

Q: Why did the traffic light turn red?
A: You would too if you had to change in front of all those people!

Excellent EFH

could not control my laughter

Thanks for sharing!

David O'Meara wrote:the sign said "Beware the camel spits", and he was.
(be where)

Good one David!

Santa : "Tomorrow can I come to your home?"
Banta : "No one will be there at my home, so you please come".

santa went the next day and finds no one

(the house is locked!)

What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk.

ankur rathi wrote:

Maneesh Godbole wrote:

ankur rathi wrote:

Bert Bates wrote:What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck

Garbage truck doesn't fly.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pun

Got it. Thanks.

I didn't...

Flies are following the garbage truck. Bssssss

ohh....

knock knock!

Who's there?

Chris Baron wrote:Flies are following the garbage truck. Bssssss

Ernest Friedman-Hill wrote:Q: Why did the traffic light turn red?
A: You would too if you had to change in front of all those people!

Q. What do you call a deer with no eyes ?

A. No idea.

Q. What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs ?

A. Still no idea.

classic