Win a copy of TensorFlow 2.0 in Action this week in the Artificial Intelligence and Machine Learning forum!
  • Post Reply Bookmark Topic Watch Topic
  • New Topic
programming forums Java Mobile Certification Databases Caching Books Engineering Micro Controllers OS Languages Paradigms IDEs Build Tools Frameworks Application Servers Open Source This Site Careers Other all forums
this forum made possible by our volunteer staff, including ...
Marshals:
  • Campbell Ritchie
  • Liutauras Vilda
  • Paul Clapham
  • Bear Bibeault
  • Jeanne Boyarsky
Sheriffs:
  • Ron McLeod
  • Tim Cooke
  • Devaka Cooray
Saloon Keepers:
  • Tim Moores
  • Tim Holloway
  • Jj Roberts
  • Stephan van Hulst
  • Carey Brown
Bartenders:
  • salvin francis
  • Scott Selikoff
  • fred rosenberger

guilt

 
Ranch Hand
Posts: 18944
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
after taking her for granted for many years i have suddenly fallen in love with my wife.
at times i feel this irresistable urge to confess all my transgressions to her and
seek her forgiveness. i asked one of my buddies if i should. he says never confess to
a woman. but that is male logic at work. i cant ask any of my female friends because i
fear they may tell her before i do. what does female logic say ? should i ?
 
Sheriff
Posts: 7023
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
Hell no!
 
mister krabs
Posts: 13974
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
The only thing that confessing to her will do is make your conscience feel better and make her feel worse. If you love her that much then keep your mouth shut.
 
Ranch Hand
Posts: 229
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
Uhm...call me naive, but aren't we supposed to be honest with those we love?
 
Dirk Schreckmann
Sheriff
Posts: 7023
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
Hell no!
 
Ranch Hand
Posts: 3244
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
I refuse to answer on the grounds that my wife knows I come here and she might, at some point, read some of the threads I've posted in...
 
Ranch Hand
Posts: 2676
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
The question to ask is "what would telling her accomplish." When you tell her you are going to hurt her very deeply, but at least she then has a choice of loving the real you or leaving you.
 
Rosie Vogel
Ranch Hand
Posts: 229
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator

Originally posted by Dave Vick:
I refuse to answer on the grounds that my wife knows I come here and she might, at some point, read some of the threads I've posted in...


Right. And now she is SURE you've got something to hide
 
Thomas Paul
mister krabs
Posts: 13974
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator

Originally posted by Rosie Vogel:
Uhm...call me naive, but aren't we supposed to be honest with those we love?


I don't recall that being in the marriage vows!
 
Leverager of our synergies
Posts: 10065
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
Hey, if she doesn't ask, do not tell her!
If she *really* want to know, she will ask you herself, when she feel prepared to hear the truth, whatever it is.
 
Ranch Hand
Posts: 4716
9
Scala Java
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
dont do it dude...you will regret it if you do.
sometimes its just better to keep your mouth shut...this would be one of those times.
 
Ranch Hand
Posts: 72
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
Better not do that, that's what I suggest as a female. I feel really happy you love your wife deeply. that's the base for a beautiful family. if you feel guilty, then love her more. The only thing to make up is to love her now and in the future. I believe she will be happier and happier.
 
Mapraputa Is
Leverager of our synergies
Posts: 10065
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
After some deep thinking... Unfortunately general advices may not help in this case. Each woman is cranky about THIS in her own way. We all want to be appreciated, respected etc. but we all have different ideas exactly which behavior signals that we are. I remember my mother once said she would divorce my father if he had another woman and didn't tell her. For her it would mean that he is dishonest with her = doesn't respect her = ... I didn’t ask what would happen if he *had* another woman and *did* tell her, would it help? I myself is closer to the opposite extreme, since I still struggle to understand why is it so bad if a man had some fun with another woman when he had a chance
This is why dealing with women is so tricky - you need to learn each specimen um... each speciwomen? Dealing with men is much simpler - they all are the same, only names differ.
Ahhhhh... <- Map run away very quickly...
(let's see if they lock my account this time...)
[ May 09, 2002: Message edited by: Mapraputa Is ]
 
Ranch Hand
Posts: 346
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
. Silence .
 
Ranch Hand
Posts: 1879
MySQL Database Suse
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator

after taking her for granted for many years i have suddenly fallen in love with my wife.

Not really a valid statement. It is most likely one of these 2 possible scenerios:
1. Feel guilty because you loved your wife, but took her for granted for many years, and now you don't take her for granted
suggestion: congrats, tell your wife your situation, follow through by making her know everyday how special she is. She will definitely appreciate this.
2. you did not love your wife for many years, but have suddenly fallen in love with your wife,
suggestion: besides the fact that you should be ashamed of wasting your wifes time for many years, negating everything she thinks your marriage represents...anyways, for her sake( and I emphasize "her sake" because I couldn't care less if she dumped you on your ass ), I wouldn't tell her because it will hurt her than you could imagine. The best bet is to pretend like Case 1 happened and follow my advice for case 1. Why did you marry her in the first place? money? sex? her super fast computer?
Hoping it was case 1,
Jamie
 
Ranch Hand
Posts: 2823
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
Tell us how you really feel Jamie
 
Ranch Hand
Posts: 1936
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
Well, who knows the other side of the story? She might be posting similar question in some other ubb
IMHO, best time to confess is when the other party comes to you to confess.
Ashok.
(Hmm.. after writing this... I feel I am really a bad person...)
 
High Plains Drifter
Posts: 7289
Netbeans IDE VI Editor
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
Happiness, honesty, and love. If you can keep all three in balance at one time, I'm pretty sure the RC church will canonize you.
 
Randall Twede
Ranch Hand
Posts: 4716
9
Scala Java
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
let me relate to you a true story that happened to me when i was still a teenager. I had a best friend and we both had girlfriends who were best friend. my friend left town for a few days and while he was gone his girlfriend hit on me. she was very beautiful but i couldnt cheat on my girlfriend or my best friend. when he returned, i told him what happened. he didnt believe me and i lost all of them as friends. honesty is not always the best policy.
 
Ranch Hand
Posts: 569
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator

Originally posted by Mapraputa Is:
I myself is closer to the opposite extreme, since I still struggle to understand why is it so bad if a man had some fun with another woman when he had a chance


Map,
What about the fairer sex? Is it okay with you, as a woman, to have some fun with another man when you get a chance??? Funny, how I have this feeling many here are looking forward to your reply to this
Hema
 
Mapraputa Is
Leverager of our synergies
Posts: 10065
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
It's not Ok. This is a very frustrating point, because here (unlike in men's case) rational and irrational parts of me cannot come to agreement. The rational part tells that women should have the same rights, which also would be politically correct and even had a notion of symmetry; and the irrational part approves such woman's behavior from neither moral nor aesthetical point of view. Once it occurred to me that it's the same creative energy that I like in men that makes them look for other women - and it's not only about sex - even if they are (OMG ) married. It is natural in a good sense. The same quest is counter-natural for a married woman, not even so much for "moral" reason, something wrong with it on deeper level. I still need to work out a good rationale "why", to justify my unfair, skew, P-incorrect "philosophy of adultery"
 
Michael Ernest
High Plains Drifter
Posts: 7289
Netbeans IDE VI Editor
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
It's ok to call it a double standard. Not as one standard for women and another for men, but one for yourself (who believes in sexual fidelity to your mate) and one for other people (who may not hold the same belief).
This may not seem 'fair' or 'right,' but if it works between two people then so what?
 
Ranch Hand
Posts: 63
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
Just don't. ("Hell no" says it better). Just love her, make peace in your heart with the past, learn from it and move on. It will hurt her and it will damage the relationship, and it will most definitely hurt you, now is rather a time to rekindle love than to put it through big tests.
Yes, sure, you would have been honest and all that, but sometimes the truth is best if left unsaid. The reason why you have the urge to tell all is because you want to make sure she knows you will never do that again. Perhaps it isn't quite the way to do it: it is something YOU must know and the way she must know it, is by you living your love and showing it to her every day.
Now move on and enjoy being in love (AND you don't even have to win her over, she's already your wife!). If she ever does find out and is upset with you never telling her, you can always show her this discussion. In the same breath: only you can really know and decide what to do.
(as long as that is not telling...)
 
Ranch Hand
Posts: 65
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
If a lie can keep your loved one happy, then your choice is limited! In your case, u have to just keep quiet(need to know basis in play)! Silence is golden.
Pity Meaningless Drivel:JavaRanch wasn't yet born when Randall most needed it!
[ May 10, 2002: Message edited by: swaroop shastri ]
 
Anonymous
Ranch Hand
Posts: 18944
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
Originally posted by Ashok:


Well, who knows the other side of the story?
She might be posting similar question in some other ubb
IMHO, best time to confess is when the other party comes to you to confess.



Its not the same thing Ashok. When a woman is unfaithful she is
either expressing her individuality or trying rediscover her
feminine identity or some such crap. If a man does something like that
all hell breaks loose.

Originally posted by Jamie Robertson :


Hoping it was case 1,



I dont know Jamie. I hope it was case 1 too. The human mind is an extremely complex thing.
I often get this feeling, that, of all the people I know the one I know and understand the least is myself.
 
Ranch Hand
Posts: 68
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
If asked, answer truthfully, but never, ever voluneteer such information. It may be good for you, but bad for her, which is not good for you, which is bad for her, etc... See, it's all downhill.
 
Mapraputa Is
Leverager of our synergies
Posts: 10065
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator

Originally posted by Michael Ernest:
It's ok to call it a double standard. Not as one standard for women and another for men, but one for yourself (who believes in sexual fidelity to your mate) and one for other people (who may not hold the same belief).
This may not seem 'fair' or 'right,' but if it works between two people then so what?



I believe in sexual fidelity no more than I do in life after death or final victory of communism or fair reward for hard work :roll:
And it's no more "double standard" than if my partner likes to hike and I do not. I think it's Ok if he will hike and I do something else, rather than to say that his hiking "hurts my feelings" so he better forget about it
For not to hijack this thread, I am starting a new one...
[ May 14, 2002: Message edited by: Mapraputa Is ]
 
Anonymous
Ranch Hand
Posts: 18944
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
I find it difficult to respond to this question without waxing religious, but I will try.
From a strictly pragmatic point of view, I would not tell her if it was in the past. Too much hurt. 'nuff said.
From a religious point of view, I think there is much to be gained from a full disclosure, even if it ends up hurting (or even ending) the marriage. A person's soul is more important and lasting than any relationship its owner takes part in.
 
What's that smell? I think this tiny ad may have stepped in something.
Thread Boost feature
https://coderanch.com/t/674455/Thread-Boost-feature
reply
    Bookmark Topic Watch Topic
  • New Topic